I've never met with a provider, but have read many reviews and visited many web sites. I'm 46, have been married for 15 years and have only been with my wife. I got a late start and want to know what being with someone else feels like. While I really want to try it once, I am worried about STDs.

Being married and bringing an STD home would not be a good thing. How would I tell my pre-teens, mommy and daddy are going to die of aids, because daddy couldn't keep his pants zipped.

What is the risk if I use a condom and avoid BBBJ or DATY. While I know I would enjoy both, the risk is too great.

I've been saving and now have the means, I've always had the motive, and next month I'll have the opportunity when I go to Vegas for a convention. The only questions are what is the risk and can I live with the guilt.

Maybe I should just take up shuffleboard

Thanks for listening

The majority of men in this hobby are married and have had the same concerns that you have. First keep in mind that the Providers that you are dealing with on this site are not your typical street walkers. They are professional, mature and intelligent and are probably more concerned about STD's then you are. After all, this is what they do for a living.

You get what you pay for, and these women are very concerned about their safety and health. Use this site as a resource, then visit the individual websites on what you think you might like and want.

Times have changed and these women are not what you have been led to beleive, they are very intelligent and know how to take care of themselves and their clients. I know that this can be a unsettling endeavor, but once you take the leap you'll be hooked. Be smart, be safe and use your instincts.

I personally prefer Providers over 30 who have the experience and expertise in dealing with most situations. Once you've gained some experience you can then start exploring some of the younger Providers, if that's your thing.

Good Luck

The only way to ABSOLUTELY ensure safety from STDs is abstainence from sex and insulation from all blood products.  That having been said, however, there are ways to reduce risks to a level most men feel is acceptable without abstaining completely.

Condoms are a male's best defense.  They're not 100 per cent effective, but they're up in the high 90 per cent range.  Education is another important area, and many posters on this board are very good sources.

HIV (the family of viruses that causes AIDS) is clearly your biggest concern.  Fortunately, there are some things about HIV that may soothe some of the sting:  

First, HIV isn’t easy to get.  The virus is not hearty at all, and dies shortly after exposure to molecular oxygen.  It takes a reduced immune system plus a significant dose of the virus to actually become infected.  It's also harder for females to pass HIV on to males than the other way around.  This is because the fluid flow is generally greater from male to female, but also because the concentration of virus in male fluids is so much higher than in those of females.

Second, certain unprotected activities have a greater or lesser risk than others.  Anal sex is, by far, the riskiest.  This is because blood is ALWAYS present (albeit, in minute quantities) when anal sex is performed.  The reason lies in the structure of the rectum; it doesn't stretch in all directions the way the vagina stretches.  So, when something big (well, hopefully) is inserted into the rectum, there will always be miniscule tears in the tissue.

Vaginal sex poses a lower, though still significant, risk to males.  An infected female's vaginal secretions contain HIV, but not in as high a concentration as in blood or seminal fluid.  The risk increases exponentially, however, if there are any cuts, wounds, abrasions or open sores on the penis.  Keep in mind; these imperfections don't have to be visible to be large enough to permit infection.

Oral sex (male on female) is the least risky activity.  Yes, the male is exposed to the female's vaginal secretions, but saliva is toxic to the HIV virus.  Again, open wounds in the male's mouth increase the risk by several orders of magnitude.  These wounds can be caused by biting a cheek or tongue, or simply brushing one's teeth too vigorously.  In fact, it's a good idea not to floss or brush your teeth within one hour of performing oral sex on a woman.

Some men use dental dams or similar devices to add protection during male-on-female oral sex.  These do increase protection, but there is some question as to what degree.  It becomes a matter of the law of diminishing returns:  Does adding this protection to an already low-risk activity really return enough to warrant the cost (lack of pleasure, in this case).

Keep in mind; there are other STDs out there besides HIV.  While the others aren’t necessarily fatal, they could make for a shorter marriage than you may have planned, so be sure to do your research.  The internet is an amazing resource.  Also, as I said earlier, there are quite a few well-informed members of this board who will be happy to offer their help.

I am 30 years old, and I just had my first experience in May.  I've been very careful and all, but HIV is always on the back of my mind.  Gonnorhrea is easiest to get I hear.  I went for a STD test last month and I'm 100% clean.  But it takes up to 6 months for HIV antibodies to show up, so I've been advised to take test again in December.  

My daughter is going to be 2 months old next week.  Sometimes when I look at her, I think about how devastating it would be if I contracted HIV from this hobby. It would destroy my family, and it would ruin her life. I can't bear to think about it.

Overall I think this hobby is great.  The providers are absolutely wonderful.  But for now, I will abstain from this hobby until my baby grows up.  Hopefully by then I can still get it up.

I envy you hobbiests who are either single or have no kids.  If I had no family, I'd hobby 4X per month!!!

Wow, thanks for the information. I wasn't as informed as I thought.

I am still wrestling with the desire to find out what it's like with someone else versus putting my wife and family at risk. I love my wife and kids very much. I also have this empty feeling because I never experienced any other women. Plus 2  kids, 20 years and 50 pounds kinda dull the desire at home. (not that I stand up as straight and tall anymore either)

If there were no risk of catching or transferring an STD to my wife, it would be a no-brainer. But since we are in a monogamous (or is that monotonous) relationship, we haven't used condoms since my vasectomy. It'd be kind of awkward to suggest we start again now.

I've gotten close to meeting a provider three times so far, but each time I get cold feet. It's because of this damn STD issue.

Again, thanks for the info and listening.

You sound a lot like I did a few years ago.  My wife and I were married at eighteen.  She was my first, and I was hers. My son was born five years later.

Over the years, my wife blew up pretty large.  But then, I was no prize, either.  We had our ups and downs, but over all, there were more ups.  During the latter half of our marriage (my wife died in 2002), we both began to take better care of ourselves.  We started having a lot of fun and rediscovered sex.

During my thirty year marriage, I never strayed.  I didn't even KNOW about this hobby until after my wife's death.  If my wife had lived, I can assure you, I'd still be unaware of all this -- but quite happy, nonetheless.

Please, go with your gut.  I suspect there's more going on here than just a fear of STDs.  If you have something good, work on improving it.  This hobby is fun, for sure, but it requires that you develop a mind set different from that of most young, married men.  Without such a mind set, you can wind up feeling empty, guilty and very confused.

Buy your wife some flowers.  Work on becoming her best friend.  TALK to her.  Tell her how you FEEL.  Tell her what you WANT.  Tell her how much you LOVE her, and how important she is to you.  You may be surprised.

Will you be missing much?  Well, my wife gave a better BBBJNQNS than any provider I've ever met.  She also loved greek and DATY, and she squirted so much she'd wet the bed.  And when it was all over, I was sleeping next to my best friend.

had my own scare recently.  The providers I have seen have indicated that they test regularly for their own sake and the sake of their clients.  My news of a possible STD was taken matter-of-factly and I received emotional support from these ladies.  Luckily the tests came back negative...whew!

If you proceed and visit the lovely ladies, you can minimize you risks by doing everything covered and not DATY.  Just let them know; they will make sure you have fun despite your apprehension about being protected.

Do a search of the national discussion board going back as far as you can, there are lots of threads about STDs from the providers and guys points of view.

Good luck with you decision.

...very thoughtful responses with much  patience that stopped me from writing my original post which was more like "...life has risks and so does this hobby.".  While this is true, you should probably wait this out, continue reading TER boards including this one and see how you feel when the next occaision (free time away or when the family is away) arises.  I found this to be true in my case.  I think what made me jump in at the end were posts by providers such as sedona (General Discussion Board) and others which were smart, intelligent and clearly from women who value life and good health as much as I do.  You will find that probably 50% of us hobbiests also share(d) your exact concerns.  Your time will come.  IF it doesn't, that will be ok too.

With no risk of STDs, it would be a no brainer?  It doesn't sound to me as if you think the greatest risk to your family comes from STDs.  You planned on being very careful.  You know the risk isn't that great.  If you're having cold feet, maybe there's another reason.

Maybe you're more concerned about the harm that can come to your family and the damage that can be done to your relationship with your wife by the act itself, whether you get caught or not.  To some, it's worth the risk.  It's a no brainer.  Some have regrets.

Maybe you're not ready.  Three times??  Maybe hobbying isn't for you.  But then again, maybe it is.  Only you can decide if it's worth it.  I have no regrets, but I'm not married.

Oh, and please don't make appointments unless you're sure you'll go through with it.  Being a "no show" is not cool!

You guys are great and give excellent advice.

I'm 53, soon to be 54. Been married to a very great lady for 33 years. I've been hobbying for the past 4 months. I've had some very good experiences. Nothing charges the ego like having an extremely cute 20 something tell you your dick is big!!! But in the long run, it would be great if I could get my wife to say that to me once in awhile. She's extremely sexy, but she just lays there. It must be something I said or did early on in our marriage. Regardless, I'm into this hobbying thing now. I'm having fun. I'm protecting myself (and God I hope her in the process) and I'm having some experiences that I wouldn't have otherwise. It's a difficult decision. And it's one you can't take lightly. Use protection, get tested often, and if you have any reservations, as stated earlier, work on your marriage first.

It all depends on your risk aversion, for sure.  But IMO, it's possible to control & manage the risk.

For me, I always go for covered acts, except BBBJ, which I've allowed myself.  Covering and using proper methods greatly reduces risk.

I already have herpes anyway, so I can always say I've always had it and it's nothing new that I just got.  I don't do DATY or DATO, nor LFK or DFK, so the only act for me that has highest probability to catch something is BBBJ.  And that'd be most likely herpes.  I believe other STDs are just very minutely possible with BBBJ.  And if perchance you should get those, you just get yourself treated --- on the sly.

HIV, on the other hand, is a biggie.  That's my roll of the dice.  But risk is greatly reduced by checking the providers you select.  If someone has a penchant for crack ho's, then yeah, there's going to be high risk there.

wait... you have herpes, and you get BBBJ from the provider, thus spreading your herpes?  I bet if the provider knew you had herpes, she would request to protect herself!!!  Oh man.... This is not very encouraging...  I guess I won't hobby again till they find a cure for herpes, or HIV?  I have time tho.... as mentioned in my previous post.  I won't hobby again till my baby is grown up, so that's 18 years to wait.  I'm confident that by then, there will be no more herpes or HIV....unless the government halts the research to prevent people from being promiscuous. hahhahah...

And this varies with each individual.  For some, herpes may be dormant for the entire life of the person.  Others, it appears once a year, and for others, it might be monthly.  For myself, it's like every 2 years, and it's mild.

When herpes resurfaces, it's visually apparent.  So if you have it, you would know.  At that time, you cease sexual activity.  

Herpes is not curable, but Valtrex will control it.  If you anticipate a herpes breakout, you take Valtrex and it may not even appear.

BTW, more than 45 million Americans have herpes.  So it's not like a strange and unique issue.

Even when you do not have a break out, you are always continually shedding cells from the infection sites and those cells can infect someone. This is called 'viral shedding', do a search on it to get more information.

Yes. To be honest with you, the amount of time that she performed BBBJ was very short...maybe 10 seconds tops. Since I am always cautious and use a cover, I totally freaked when she did what she did.