Hi NYC Hobbiests,

I was hoping for your thoughts on the following.  I met "Fred" last fall thru an appointment. We hit it off (he's single, me too)--he, fell really hard for me, and I did like him very much, and so we started dating.  I immedately stopped providing, which was just my PT job that I've dabbled in now for the last three years.  

Flash forward four months to the present.  We've spent a lot of time together, maybe too much, just returned from a week's vacation, and I didn't have the best time (when we spend a lot of time together he gets real quiet--stops talking/responding to me).

So now I tell him I want to downgrade our intense relationship... start out slowly again, try to work on our friendship, make sure we are really compatible, etc.  

At first he was pissed, said he was "played" because he spent so much money on me--$5,000 sez he, which included Xmas stuff, the vacation, stuff for my place when I moved in November. Then when I got mad at him for saying that, he is all nice and is now happy to just start out slow with me again...

Oh, but he is also a little pset because I told him I need to start taking appointments again because I will be broke next month as I have college tuition coming due which my day job doesn't cover... But I told him, #1--I won't ever take money from him again, and #2, it's not his business as we aren't "dating seriously" anymore...

He's a really good guy, but I've never heard of a relationship that went from "hot" to "cool" back to "warm" again... have you?

Cheers,
Northern Girl

-- Modified on 3/5/2005 6:18:19 AM

Why would you date a client you meet while providing? That is just unethical. Never mix play time with work time. The 1 hour sessions are only a fantasy. When you understand that then we can go on.

different than civilians.  If the chemistry is right trust you instincts..  There is no hurry life will go on and so will your relationship.  You never know what will happen...so be cool and give it a chance

Generally, when a relationship goes cold, it stays cold.  One side usually can't accept the cooling off period, plus the need to "start over" is typically an acknowledgement that it's not working.  But there are rare instances where it heats back up and stays hot.  However, given his response to your request and likely response to your re-entry into providing, this might be a real challenge in your situation.

If none your advice is a waste.

-- Modified on 3/5/2005 7:23:30 AM

There may be some other underlying problems that appear overtime (i.e. his withdrawn behavour after three months). You may want to ask yourself how well you really know him? There may be a reason why he saw you in the first place. Like an inability to hold onto a meaningful relationship.

I have fallen in love with my fair share of providers but always kept it a business relationship. Since I have an SO and great relationship I wouldn't even consider dating a provider outside of this hobby is out of the question. On the other hand if I was single I would probably give it a good college try to entice a few into dating. Being a realiest I would doubt the relationship would last overtime. The two sides are in this for various reasons. Me I like the fun. A provider likes the fun to but I think the money plays a much larger role then building intimate relationships (not paid for) meant for the long haul with clients.

My $.02

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I'd just love a date wuth you.Mother Supererior won't mind chaperoning either.

You have mail! XOXO

I can't wait.

Please say YESSSS!

I agree with you that it's important to work on your friendship. That should always be the basis of a good relationship. Therefore, I feel that cooling off the intensity and concentrating on what should keep you together is a wonderful idea. If you're true friends, it should heat up again.

I have to admit, however that the still providing thing could be the death knell. This is particularly true if he's a jealous type of person. How do you think he'll react in the long run if he tries to hook up with you and you're busy with appointments? Will he use your acive status against you in an argument? How will you handle it if he does?

I think you should talk it out thoroughly in advance, like two adults.

Best of luck to you, young lady. Leave my two cents in the cup, please.

It sounds like you fell just as hard for him as he did for you.  And that's OK, or you would have not given up providing.

When you made the decision to stop providing how did you plan on paying for college?  Makes me wonder????

When he stopped talking/responding did you ask him what's wrong?  Maybe something is going on in his life that is on his mind.  Maybe there's an issue with his job?  If you really care you would ask.

As far as him making the statement he was "Played" because he spent so much money, he is out of line.  That is a decision as an adult you make on your own.

Relationships are a funny thing.  There are no fast and hard rules.  You have to work at it.  Both parties need to give and take.  When the work out weights the fun you need to reevaluate the relationship.

For you married guys and girls-----
Fact:  Statistically the numbers of couples that divorce and remarry are unhappier than if they just stayed married.

I guess the grass is not always greener!

even though u r a provider and he was a hobbyist, your relationship problem don't sound any different then the relationships problems we all go thru.  i used to end up in the same dead ends after picking up or meeting girls at bars, kinda like the song says, u were much more fun when we were drinking.

you took a chance, kudos to u, put it behind, experience, look forward.  and remember any guy that is adding up what he has spent to date, well he ain't no long term thing,  hell i don't even like hanging  w/guys like that when i am on drink'n partying binge, if he counting cash while have a good time, imagine how he will be in a bad time w/out cash

go have fun w/the next day of your life and let him suffer w/dollar bills

my 2 cents

Thank you much for your thoughtful replies.

Answers to a few questions:
Q) When you made the decision to stop providing how did you plan on paying for college?  
A) I was thinking my savings would last longer than they did, but I've had a lot of unexpected expenses was also thinking I'd get a small loan if I needed to.  I'd just rather not if I don't have to.

Q) When he stopped talking/responding did you ask him what's wrong?  ... If you really care you would ask.
A)  I did ask him!  Lots of times, very nicely... he said two things, that he doesn't always give 100% to the relationship and that he's really not that talkative. Which was news to me, since when I would usually see him just once or twice a week, he was very chatty.  

Q) How do you think he'll react in the long run if he tries to hook up with you and you're busy with appointments?
A) I would never be taking appointments if we were to get serious again.  But you're right, me taking appointments again is probably not the smartest thing to do if I am serious about working it out with him.  I guess right now I just don't feel very attracted to/interested in him, and so no loyalty.  But he is good company... he's coming over tonight and we're going to talk more.

Q) Will he use your acive status against you in an argument? How will you handle it if he does?
A) Indeed he might, but if we are only being friends, I will tell him that I appreciate his concern, but at the moment he has no say in that part of my life.  But if I was dating him again, I would not be active.

Finally, a last question for you all:
Q)  What if I'm just not physically attracted to him anymore? I was never super attracted to him (my friends who met him say he's cute)--I was more attracted to his heart and his sense of humor.  But since all this trouble, he does not seem funny or sexy to me at all. Is that going to come back?  

Oh, and I better add a pic of me, just to be fair!  

I hope that wasn't my e-mail you deleted.

I'll make you write DELETE 10,000 times.

I love Buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Modified on 3/5/2005 2:28:02 PM

It's great to ask for advise.  And it's always easier to answer when your on the outside looking in.  In the end only you know the right answer.  Do what's right for YOU!