Please learn from my mistakes - it could happen to anyone...
Last night I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop in Burnsville that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Tennesse Jed looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Jed (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised, Am I wrong???

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ?
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Jed looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumb ass," reasoning that a one - second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jesse the Body ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The dog was standing over me making crying sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-Bitch...

That hurt like Fuck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.   How did they get up there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

Dude you get my nomination for the best post of the year by far. I can't stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god that is too funny (provided you are OK now). Thanks for sharing. That's even better than my neighbor who tested her dog's shock collar on herself before putting it on the dog. Luckily for the dog, animal control later confiscated said collar.

You're going to make me tinkle in my panties a bit if I keep laughing this hard.

Best story EVER.

Good Christ!  Taser testing takes balls!

Apparently literally!!

You outdid yourself with that one.  It took me an hour to stop laughing.  You're in the wrong profession (whatever that is).  You should write or do stand-up.  Tell you what....when you get your testicles back.....some of the girls and I will re-attach them for ya.

Too Funny!!!!

-- Modified on 12/30/2009 8:31:56 PM

This should go without saying but after reading this I have to bring it up.  DO NOT give this thing to your wife.  She may enjoy using it on you.

-- Modified on 12/30/2009 6:45:42 PM

LOL Good read.

That is one funny story...Marie is right...I would pay to come and see you.  Keep us laughing!

That was one of the funniest fucking things I have read ever!I don't care if it's actually true or not!You have to post it on the National board.Laughter like that needs to be shared!

OMFG! I was seriously laughing so hard I was crying and could barely breath... I think I lost MY testicles I laughed so hard.

I sincerely hope yours found their way back to you.

-- Modified on 12/30/2009 9:12:45 PM

not likely to happen to anyone with half a brain...from someone in the public safety industry... border line creative writing and incredibly stupid/insane if even remotely close to true you get wat u deserve...otherwise u have too much time on ur hands, especially for wat this board is about this lengthy inane post is a complete waste of time and space...

Even to ogres like you yourself Unbelievable,   Happy New Year to everyone.

Except for the pain part, thats exactly how I felt after the first time I spent an hour with Bridget when she was still in town.

Ok Johnny Public Safety Industry leader - e.g. Coper...where is your sense of humor? Yes, I have half a brain, I'm taking up your breathing space, but come on man let's have fun - laugh a little dude!! It can't be all about Sex all the time...well, maybe it could but....

Wait you could be Mall Security Person (MALLCOP) also, I don't think they give you guys guns, but you could get a taser???

Plus I'm the village idoit, but at least I don't hind under an aliases...plus it's your right to agree to disagree so no problem here!! See you in jail!!

That just made my day. I feel like that's a story that should end up on failblog or something like that.

hilarious

My God!  That is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time.  Your description of the dog's look is just precious.  I am still laughing.