Ok, I have to say that this has crossed my mind more than once, and for different reasons.  I have made quite a few friends during my 8 years as a provider.  Some of them I do consider dear friends, even though we have client/provider boundaries to keep in check, and my friends and family have not met them, or even know that they are remotely a part of my life.  

Well, I had a close call over the weekend while I was up North for a fishing weekend.  I was stung by a hornet, a wasp, or something, which caused a very severe allergic reaction.  I lost consciousness en route to the hospital, my body started to shut down, and I nearly died.  I actually thought to myself "this is it, I'm going to die now"!

Thankfully, I did make it it time to get an EpiPen shot, but the doctor on duty said that I had maybe two more minutes before it would have been "more difficult to revive me"....

Upon returning home and back seeing clients this week, I realized that, if I had died, how many of my client friends (or other provider friends-the secret people) would even know about it?  Would they just find out after a few months of people asking where I've been, and by chance, someone might have an answer??

That is a disturbing thought to me.  I have a couple of clients who I've asked to put my name and phone number in a safe place that would allow me to be contacted if something were to happen to them.  I hate the thought of not knowing or being contacted if such a terrible thing were to happen and I was left unaware...

I know this is a morbid topic, but it's one that I would like some input on, if you have any thoughts...?

Thank you,

Alantra

First, and above all else, I echo others' comments... Thank goodness you are O.K.!!!!!!

Boundaries, boundaries... it can be so difficult to discern and respect the boundaries.

I don't have an answer. I wish I did.

I had a friend in the business. I even know her real name.She has a daughter in the business as well.Alas she moved to Des Moines where I was able to contact her for a while but lately,nothing.I just hope she's okay.

I"ve thought that many times and even disscussed it with a lady.  It"s the not knowing.  Or thinking you have beeen stood up or the other way around if something happened to me.  This lady knows who I would want told amd said she would do it.  I"ve been gonna set someting up, but naturally haven"t gotten around to it.    bigdell

To add to my earlier post.   Recently a lady friend got busy and hadn"t added to her blog or answered eamils for about a week.   Well human nature being what it is (mine anyway)  I started to hope she was only in jail after a couple of days.  It"s the not knowing.

First of all: I think I can speak for the all the men and women on this board who have met you when I say that we are all glad to hear that you are alright now. You are such a vibrant individual and I'm not sure you realize how many people you matter to.
       I had an accident a few months ago, and thought "what would the people in the hobby think if I suddenly disappeared?" I'm sure most wouldn't even notice, a few would wonder after a couple of weeks what happened too me, an a small group might even be concerned.
       The whole "client/provider boundaries" thing is complicated when there is an actual connection. I can honestly say that a truly care for and  about the majority of the providers I have met, and I'd like to think that some of them truly care about me. It would be nice to know that in the event of something tragic, we could have a system to provide closure to those that matter.
        That being said, I don't know anyone, even my closest friends, that I would trust with a directive to start a communication thread should something happen to me. The accidental discovery of a "little black book" would be problematic to the same people we are hoping to consider.
        I reached the conclusion that I can't die till I figure this out.....

Well, if there's that much of a personal connection, get her personal phone number and tell someone you trust to contact her in the event something bad happens to you. She should give you that number if she truly cares about you that much.

What a frightening experience.  It was very fortunate that you were able to make it to a hospital in time.  You are supposed to be here!

Stories like that, along with having a very unwell best friend at the moment, are reminders to me of how precious and fragile life is.

I do have friends I would very much be concerned about if they went missing.  One in particular shared a Caring Bridge site which relieved some worry during his illness.  I appreciated that.  Although there are without question boundaries we observe in this lifestyle, it is still a very personal and human connection we make.  It is natural that if we are kind, loving and compassionate people that we will worry about those who have touched us and made even the smallest impact on our lives.  Each one is significant and special.

They say funerals are held for the comfort of the living, not the deceased. If a provider is keeping things separate in life, she likely wants that to continue. Many a sitcom has featured unexpected visitors (extra wives, lovers, etc.).  It's never a good outcome and, of course, mayhem ensues.

If some friends are excluded or never know, it's not the worst thing that could happen. If it's truly important to you, I suppose a will with specific, secrect instructions for the executor could be drafted, but even that might entail some risk.

More likely than not, word would get out to those friends anyway, at least in the case of established providers. I guess if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't worry about it.  Life goes on.

PS About that close call. Now that it's over and you're fine, isn't it "fun" to have had such an interesting life experience?

Many/most of the ladies we frequent we don't know their real names. This is understandable, but if something fatal should happen to one, I hope there is a way for us to know. I've told my family to make sure my Strib obituary has a picture of me, maybe ladies should give the same instructions.

But it all depends on having someone in your life whom you trust to contact these people and will behave discretely if ever called upon to make these calls.

I am grateful to still be here, and know that there will be more "Experiences" to share, for sure!  

Thank you all for the input.  It does touch my heart to realize that there are people who care....as I do, too.

Alantra

I do wonder the same thing.

We have not met, but just knowing you think like this makes me want to come out of retirement to meet a new friend!

Its hard for me to imagine how I would leave instructions on people in the hobby to be contacted directly if I were to suffer such a demise.  

I think one way might be to have a "hobby" buddy who would likely become aware locally based on an article in the local paper or perhaps would learn directly some other way.  I might ask that buddy to then post something here, assuming I had also given him my hobby identity.

Your comment is well taken; it's a bit "too soon" to be talking about this event as one might in hindsight.

But down the road, I'm guessing it'll be one of your better stories and part of what defines you. It'll be a/an "amusing, boisterous, convivial, diverting, enjoyable, entertaining, lively, merry, pleasant, witty, good" exciting story, filled with details and poignancy. Just trying to avoid the "F" word.

All the best to you!

So glad you are OK and I hope you now carry an epi pen with you through the fall "bee" season. Take care beautiful!

One of my ATF gentleman friends had a heart attack and was in the hospital.  When I did not hear from him (he was seeing me every 1-2 wks at the time), I knew something terrible had befallen him but I did not know what.  Of course, I do not make it habit to call my gentlemen friends so was left wondering.  How would we know what happened to our hobby friends...both men and women?   Who would tell us ?  
Would we just disappear quietly from the hobby to never be thought of again?   There must be a way ...but how?  Perhaps tell one trusted hobby friend your true identity and then trust that she/he would only tell in the event of our untimely death?  I think, perhaps give a sealed envelope with the name and  phone number of your ATF client/provider and instructions of notification to your attorney and have him open and follow the instructions in the envelope in the event of our untimely death, thus notifying your ATF?     I think this is the safest way.

Very good post, Alantra.  Thank you.

...and I've often thought that I would give my daughter instructions to, in the event of my death, send an email to a couple of providers who might give a shit and actually attend my memorial service, or, at least want to know whatever happened to me. My kids know I am nowhere near being a saint and would hardly be surprised by the revelation that I hobbied. They would be cool with knowing what I've been up to in my travels.

Best topic ever, Alantra!

Alantra,

I had a brief scare with mortality a few years ago and I realized that there was some planing I needed to do prior to kicking the bucket.  I have a  list (on paper and electronically filed with my kids) of people who should be contacted after my death.  This list includes friends and family that my family is likely to know, present and past business associates that may want to know, and people in various hobbies (music, sports, woodworking, this) that would like to know and who could post the information on various places.  This list includes directions for some people as well as some people who could help in the disposal of some of my hobby related items (none from this hobby).  In addition I have talked to a couple of providers in this hobby (mainly retired) to ask if they could spread the word around if they hear from my family about my demize.  The list is nothing out of the ordinary and doesn't peak any interest with my family.  I figure when the time comes you fine folk's will find out eventualy.