I just read Puhnhog's post below.  He said "after years of fucking around on the only woman I truly loved".  I have always wanted to ask - guys, why if you are with the women you love do you fuck around, sometimes for years? Are you not afraid of getting caught and her leaving? Do you not care about hurting her? No judgments just would like to know what you men are honestly thinking?

-- Modified on 7/7/2010 11:28:00 AM

For me I really can't explain it. I am in love with my wife. I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine her finding out about my hobby. I know it would hurt her terribly. I don't want to do that. She would 100% leave and it would change our lives forever (not for the better). Everytime I get together with a lady I swear it's the last time. It's like an addiction. I know it's not the right thing to do but I get caught up in the moment, the feeling, the excitement. Do I feel quilty afterwards.....Yes! Do I swear never to do it again ......Yes.  Do I go back again and again.......Yes. Like I said in the begining...I can't explain it!

Honestly? Well, I won't call myself a 'hobbyist' like Puhnhog, but my wife and I lost a child a few years ago. Its been hard, but emotionally my wife is still trying to get over it. She depressed, and sex is just not on her radar. I love her deeply, and hope in time and therapy she will heal. Hormones, and the big M being around the corner don't help either.
Love my wife, very much attracted to her, and she's my best friend, and still laughs at my jokes, when she is having a good day.
I feel very torn seeing other girls, but justify it by realizing I have needs, and if I don't acknowledge them, I will only get bitter. It's not a perfect fix though, my Catholic guilt rears its head at times, and I worry about bringing home something I can't explain I got off a dirty toilet seat.  
Sorry. Didn't mean to bring the board down. This is my story.

I've been married to the same women for 40 years and the worst part of getting caught would be the pain I would cause her. Obviously I've got my game down pretty well so that the risk of getting caught is minimized.

The only reason our species has survived is because we are genetically programmed to NEED sex.

Men are PROGRAMMED to fuck several times a day -- as often as possible really which is why our brains THINK about sex every 15 minutes.

Women are programmed to only need to fuck when her egg is in position once a month and then to be very selective about WHO she fucks.

This is all very costly scientific research that figured this out.    But without this programming we never would have proliferated and survived and we actually not only survived but occupy and rule every point on the globe where there is land and pussy so imagine how powerful that genetic coding is.

Men are PROGRAMMED to never be monogamous.  So stop being angry about it.  We can't help it.  Women are programmed to nest and lay eggs and raise and protect the children.  

We are like lions.  The women group together to care for the young and are very selective about who they fuck and then men roam the land looking for females to fuck.

The females will also cheat on the father of their children any time a better male lion comes along.

It's the same with humans except humans seem to have massive brains and hearts so we all WANT to be loyal.  It's the programming that gets in the way.

Now a man can fall in love with a woman and marry her and want to only sleep with her for the rest of his life but a few years down the road and and she stops blowing him because she no longer feels the sexual urge to or need to and she even stops fucking him except for once a month maybe.

What happens then?  The male is still super horny and feels like his balls are going to explode if he doesn't cum every day -- you women don't have this pain and can never understand it but it drives men crazy so we gotta fuck or jerk off and jerking off gets really old.

So if a man has the money time or means he's going to get laid.  And if you're not fucking your husband then chances are someone else is.

He still loves his wife and wants to stay with her but he needs to get laid or he'll go crazy.  It's science.  Blame the scientists.

Hope that answers your question.

Here's one for you;  Why do women suck us off every night before bed until we marry them and then abruptly stop?

A lot of what jimmy dean has to say has a lot of merit.
 I lost my wife to cancer a long time ago and, to satisfy my sexual needs while avoiding any emotional attachment, started to hobby and it has been well worth it.
 About a year ago I met this wonderful woman, a real sexual dynamo with a lot of attitude, and we shared a lot in common. It was a perfect relationship as she is a make up artist for a well known band and is on the road a lot, so we didn't tire of each other and the sex was always great, and I could continue hobbying without any guilt.
 She once commented that I was a sexual 'tiger" and wanted to know how I kept myself satisfied, and I told her the truth. She was taken back at first, but commented that s long as it was safe sex, she couldn't complain, and that "well, guys are built like that."
 She came off the road and we started seeing a lot of each other and made a commitment to get married, and did so in February.
 It's been great.
 But she said that, when she hits the road for one of those three month tours, would it be a mtter of if, not when, I would hobby. I told her I didn't think so, but one never knows, and she read jimmy's post, and it made her realize, as if she didn't know, that men's needs are so much different than woman's.
 We don't just like to make love, we need sex, and there is a diffrence.
 So things will be very interesting, to say the least. But, in response to the original post, I really do love her and find it difficult to find any provider who would satisfy me any more than she does, and true happiness is being with the one you love. And marriage is the ultimate commitment and not to be taken lightly.
 So it looks like I'll be taking some road trips...

Sometimes there is more to it than you think.  I was monogamous with my wife for 14 years no problem and we still have a great relationship.  However about a year ago I almost died. I mean I came within breath of being on a plane that crashed and killed everyone. I attended the funerals of the other passengers who were close friends of mine.  I notice something very interesting. Hurrses do not have luggage racks or escorts in the back seats. When it’s over it’s over and nobody knows when it’s going to happen, and you take nothing with you.  After many sleepless nights after the accident I realized that I could not leave this planet without experiencing other women.  I just couldn’t do it.  This has nothing to do with my wife; it has everything to do with me.  Readers of this may say it’s just another excuse to fuck around. Well all I have to say is when you come within 15 seconds of getting on a plane or not getting on a plane and 30 minutes three of your close friends are dead. Let me know how you feel.  It’s a life changing experience. The smell of death is something you will never forget as long as you live.

You're a very brave, and either crazy or brilliant man to let your wife read this website and to know your TER handle.

And you're a very LUCKY man to find a woman wise enough to not blame you and hate you for being a man.

Men are PROGRAMMED to need sex.  Yes we have big hearts and fall in love and WANT to be faithful.  But when the wives stop fucking us what choice do we have???

Should we cut off our balls or go insane and bitter from lack of sex and grow to hate the wives?  No instead we should find a way to take care of our needs where no one gets hurt.  We call it the hobby.

If you don't GELD the balls of a stallion he will go insane and kill anyone that steps into his territory.  It's true.  And the same is true for men.  Women just don't understand we produce sperm every day that creates a physical and mental pressure that makes us to CRAZY FUCKING things even risking our lives just to get laid.

It would be lovely if women were more understanding but they are not because most women are ALREADY INSANE.  Ask any woman and she'll tell you it's true.

It's not a perfect world.  No one ever said it was.  It's supposed to be a challenge and it is.

Good luck to all of us because it's all over way too fast.  Try to be as happy as you can for most of it.

HA HA!  I agree you gotta LIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE, but

dont' talk about the smell of death unless you've smelled a body burn or picked up the shattered head of a best friend or held your own guts as blood gushed from your belly.

Glad you're alive but you didnt' come close to death.  You just realized how much you need to live.

Well, I've had the experience you've talked about, and I've had one's like what Scorpio77 had. And, I've had the experience of having a doctor talking me a may have cancer. They all had the same effect, in that they were all wake-up calls getting me in touch with my own mortality. That is all he was saying, and you've made the issue about about you and your experience. How about sitting down, shutting up, and leaving some space for someone else. It really is not all about you!

The old getting in touch with one's own mortality can do it. After over 30 years of being faithful in two marriages, I had a similar incident happen. I realized I had been walking into the candy store, being to good boy, and always picking the same thing, despite the desire to have a taste of all the others. I am extremely careful when I do hobby, because I don't want to hurt my family. And, my wife is from a country where a man's participation in the hobby is sort of expected. Faithfulness is not so much a matter of abstaining from other women, but rather returning home to her at the end of the day.

I won't try to duplicate what she's said, but it essentially comes down to the difference between the evolutionary needs between the male and female of the species.

Our social constructs and mores try to alter this, but for many people it's simply too strong of a force to be ignored.  Modern society takes us further and further away from the behaviors that are deeply ingrained within us from an evolutionary standpoint.

That's not an excuse, just an explanation of something that's been happening for a very long time and will continue to happen for a very long time into the future.

Escorts provide a relatively harmless outlet for the desire of males to go out and "spread their seed" amongst as many females as possible.  For a society that still treats being a normal heterosexual male as one of the worst things in the world, that's a very important service.

I have clients who readily admit that their wives still fuck them silly after years of marriage & STILL they come see me, often before a hot date with the wife.

It's the one thing this industry has taught me that I am usually sorry I learned and sometimes so grateful I learned.
I hope I can be mature enough to carry it into my next relationship.
I'd rather a guy I loved see escorts than have an emotional affair which I do believe is the most fucked up thing you can do to a woman you married and are not divorcing.

Some things are sacred,  detached sex really isn't.

You're right as far as you go, Brennan, but you may have discounted wives' frequent inability to distinguish between a simple liking of physical variety and an emotional affair.

A husband's rationalization ("I love your cooking but I like a restaurant meal now and then") is only half the equation if a wife perceives "detached sex" as being the same threat as a love affair.

I probably offer a different perspective.  Many guys here are middle aged or older, are married, have families, & look at hobbying much differently than I.  For me, it's about sex without emotional connection.  Simply put, pleasure in it's purist form.  I personally have had great fulfilling relationships with women, but sadly a great relationship doesn't necessarily lead to the instant gratification a grown man needs from time to time.  So I enjoy hobbying every so often for the fun of it.

I'm of the school that hobbying is like any other activity.  Some people like to travel, some like sports, & I like blowjobs.  I don't hobby often & only review providers who say they would like for me to provide a review.  However, when I do hobby, I look for sexual performance over anything else as I want a professional giving me pleasure.  & I would bet most girls who provide will tell you that after a few months, they know ways to get a guy off they wouldn't of otherwise.

Now, I realize most of us keep this hidden from our SOs & for good reason.  I think most women who don't understand the hobby see it as a degrading thing to them that their man has to get sex from another source.  Honestly, they really shouldn't.  It is a way for a guy to get pleasure without an emotional attachment.  I look at it like this.  Many of the providers here are professionals who have seen 100s of guys in their lifetime & know how to pleasure a man.  Most women in the real world go off of hearsay, friend's advice, magazines, & blogs to gain sexual prowess.  Sex, like any other skill, isn't something you just happen to be good at.  It needs practice.  I'll admit sex with the same partner can be fulfilling, but people change overtime, so the hobby is a good way to mix it up with someone who knows what their doing.

And I also agree about your comment about the emotional affair being the real relationship killer, not a casual encounter with an escort.

As JD said, men are fulfilling a physical need when the have sex with other women, and they typically don't see it as damaging to their primary relationship.  Women, of course, see it entirely the opposite.  They see any violation of monogamy as identical- whether it's a casual fling or a deeply emotional affair.  This is fundamentally where men and women differ.

Something that I've struggled to understand is my grandmothers and aunts all understood this and even joked about it- men will be men, that's just what men do, men have needs etc.  I remember them saying those exact words.  What I don't understand is how is it that women born between 1890-1925 seemed to understand that, and today's women don't.

I've even spoken about this with my two sisters and they both agreed that despite the fact these ladies were very religious and went to church almost weekly, they seemed to have a much more worldly view of sex than today's women.

Is it possible that today's women have been brought up to believe they not only can have it all, they can control all aspects of their life?  And that includes their fertility, their periods, and then men.  It's just my theory, but something has clearly changed.

I remember from my many trips to Japan and Korea that as long as the man paid the bills, came home at night, and didn't bring shame to the family, pretty much all else was forgiven.  And that certainly included seeing escorts.

The wives may not have been thrilled about it, but there was an unspoken understanding when the husband would say he was going out to entertain a client.  Of course, that has been changing as the male-dominated culture of the past is slowly giving way to a more western-style approach.  But very few women in Korea would want to get a divorce and destroy the family just because their man came home drunk after fucking a girl from a hostess bar.

The matriarchs in my family were of the same mindset. I find myself old fashioned in that sense, too which is why I don't think marrying for money & stability is a bad thing either. It's our nature.
Like the story of the frog & the scorpion.. you knew I was scorpion when you met me. I do believe men need to go to great lengths to keep secrets secretive though. No need throwing it our faces! Use a fake name, leave the zip code where you live and for God's sake don't fall in love, hahaha!

We're all works in progress!

BB

Thank you to all who have replied.  Very interesting to hear your thoughts.

The difference is not the women.  The women are the same.

The difference is that today's MEN are fucking pussies and are ashamed of their needs and WHO THEY ARE and therefore women do not respect them.

And if a woman does not respect you she will never love you.

I swagger into a room chomping my gum and you either hate me fear me envy me or maybe you're confident enough to like me and not feel threatened I'm going to fuck every girl in the room.

Every where I go people ask if I'm a cop because I have a swagger that says I'm not afraid of anyone in the room and I'm very capable of fucking every girl in heat.

Girls can sense it.  Men can too.  We're not that far removed from the animals.

I love women like you:  

"I don't think marrying for money & stability is a bad thing either. It's our nature."

You accept who I am as a man and I will accept who you are as a women.

The rest of the world does pretty well with this -- it's the new American bible belt Christianity that set us back so far.

Men; find you balls and everything else will fall into place.  Your career will improve and women will gravitate to you naturally.

As long as you feel shame for your own genetic code you will never be happy in your own skin.

To diminish invalidate or diminish someone else's personal experience is one of the harshest and most hurtful things to can say to someone who has experienced trauma.  There is no such thing as the Sufferer's Olympics and there is no medals.  Each person has their own experience and perception.  What you said  to him shows an incredible lack of sensitivity and awareness.  I suggest you study a little about psychology and trauma.

Was I ever really in love?  The word is thrown around by everyone.  Some providers even start off with it in the initial emails or phone conversations!   When the Icicle lost interest in sex 6 years ago I started to masturbate more.  Finally got tired of it and sought out professional help.  Yes, Providers.  I started with a FBSM girl because I figured that "really" wasn't cheating.  Then I stepped up my game.
Started with one lady and figured I would just see her.  She was the one who introduced me to TER.  What a great place to spend my time and learn more about my new "hobby".

I've had some great experiences and some not so great.  I met a wonderful lady who is my ATF! Even though I see her just once a month we trade emails through out the week.  Some silliness some serious.  Just two people who have some common interests and who enjoy spending time with each other.  This is not a reply just about my ATF, though when something special happens in my life I share it with her first.  New job, promotion or just I met a new incredible lady.  She never says "I have a headache" "I'm just not into it tonight"

You ask do I care about hurting her?  Hurting her would be to throw it in her face.  It's better to just go about my fun and not bother her with stupid questions like "So you think you want to tonight?"

I can only take rejection for so long before I start to take it personal.

Last xmas I spent more on her than I did the spouse.  Why because she makes me feel great!  During that 1 hour of fantasy I get someone that wants to please me.  With the only string attached is a white envelope.  Seriously I could go on and on but in the end, My feelings and thoughts really don't matter.  As told to me by my spouse.

Why do I stay?  If I were to leave I would probably spend all my earnings on providers and wind up living in a shoe box.  You LADIES are the best!!!!

Yeah I'm sorry I didn't mean to diminish his FEELINGS.

I was just trying to cheer him up and say snap out of it you did NOT have a near death experience -- all you had was a near airplane ride experience that would have turned into a certain death experience.

But he was not on the plane and he did not have to witness any of it.  He didn't actually SEE any of it.  It's just all his imagination and shock that he ALMOST rode on a faulty aircraft.

I've spent a year of my life in a hospital bed recovering from the wounds I've suffered from being shot and shelled and stabbed in combat.  And many many years in therapy to deal with the shit I've lived through and friends I watched die.

But yeah having all your friends or coworkers or whoever die at once in an airplane is for sure freaky and I'm sure he dwells on it from time to time.

I had all my friends burn to death in the back of a C130 that was shot down.  Good thing I didn't get on that airplane huh?

Again my many apologies to any feelings that were hurt by my insensitive attempt to cheer him up.

you're absolutely correct.  Once women get what their way, they lose respect for you as a man and contempt soon follows.

We've spent the last 30 years apologizing that we have body hair, that we need sex, that we don't smell like a flower garden, that we perspire when we work, that we have 5:00 o'clock stubble etc. etc.  It's the way mother nature made us and we should quit apologizing for being men and quit trying to be fem men just to make women happy.  Because it won't make them happy!  It will just cause them to have less respect for you because you're a wimp.

I don't swagger, but I also don't apologize for being a man anymore.  And I have a woman I dated almost 20 years ago to thank for showing me how to retrieve and retain ownership of my balls.

EXACTLY MY POINT> WELL SAID!!! eom

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Well, I will have to agree, We are Mammalian, and, our sex drive was a way to keep Your Bloodline alive. We were born to fuck, that's Biology. Funny, My Daughter is a Grad Student, Biology/Chemistry, and, brought that to My attention Years ago, before I became an escort. Judea-Christianity, has put so many ideas about what Marriage, sexuality, and behavior should be like. Pre-Christianity, indigenous Religions, used sexuality for Magic, and, embraced it, as, I feel it should Be embraced. I'm 51yo, and, in Years past, society has said that, I should act a certain way at My age, and, that, I would no longer be sexual, would dry and wither away. Well, that is so far from the truth! I was Married for Years, and, not so open minded, but, I have Daughters, and, I share My ideas with them. They know what I do...(its putting them through School) But, I encourage them to be more open, and, enjoy the bodies our Creator gave us. Sexuality is meant to be explored. If You are in a long term relationship, and, can't be open about Your sexual drive, and, Fantasies...that would be an individual and personal choice. But, obviously, an escort, discreet clean fun, is the way to go. That's certainly what I would want. In fact, If I had even known anything about the "Hobby" during My Marriage, I think I would have given Him the website address, and, gave Him My Blessing.