I refuse to blame anyone but myself for my current sorry state.  Last week my wife and I had the discussion--you know, the one that precedes the divorce lawyers and the crying and the regrets.  Interestingly enough it was not because she finally caught me, though I would have deserved that too.  What happened was far more attributable to Karmic retribution.  In the last few months my wife lost weight, started dressing (justifiably) like a woman 15 years younger and started showing an interest in things she's never shown before (I guess in retrospet when you're wife's singing along to Eminem's I like Pussy and I like Weed you should take notice).  And suddenly we went from sex once or twice a year to every damned morning.  And it was great.  But I noticed she was also growing more distant, spending hours every day with her girlfriend (who herself is getting a divorce after many years).  And then last Saturday I got the "Something's been wrong for a long time and we just haven't talked about it; you're clipping my wings".  Remarkably this came from a woman who took vacation to South Africa with her girlfriend while I stayed home and who I have never demanded anything of than that she do what makes her happy; the reason we stopped having sex was because, as she readily admits, she totally lost interest (partly as a result of a drug regimen she was on).  But that's not the point of the story.  The point is that after years of fucking around on the only woman I truly loved tonight we're going to have the "let's talk about how we transition" talk (euphemisms are really popular right now).  So I'm getting my crying done now while listening to some Vern Gosdin.  No point embarassing myself and making her uncomfortable by crying in front of her.  And in my mind, I earned this full cup of misery.  Every fucking drop. I suppose there's a .0001 chance of saving my marriage but don't waste your money betting on it.  As my brother advised earlier today, my job now is to make myself stronger to get through this and to be better in the future.  Regardless, this will be my last post here ever.  I have quit and unquit numerous times because there was no consequence.  But while I don't want to come across as some naif believing in mystics I really do think that this is the ultimate consequence of my actions.  None of you have to believe it but it sure feels true today.  Like Flavor Flav would say: You built the maze you can't get through.  Good luck my friends and thanks for listening to this pathetic goodbye.  I wish you all happiness and better times than these.  As for me, I'm going downstairs to do a really good workout--I can't afford to wait until tomorrow to start making myself stronger.  Goodbye.

You made some choices -- hundreds of them over the past ten years -- and now you're crying the blues about the results.  Being a man doesn't just mean acknowledging that you "earned this full cup of misery -- every fucking drop."  It means accepting responsiblity without asking for pity from a bunch of strangers on an internet sex board.  You've already got a BIG self-pity trip going.

I was really rooting for the Netherlands today -- and they won.  I'm not sure why I'm being so harsh on old phunhog.

It's always easier to be the one planning the divorce than to be the one blindsided.  When it happened to me, my wife had already found an apartment, already transferred funds out of our joint account, and already had a lawyer.

By the time I found out I was like a deer stunned in the headlights of a car.  As a result, it took me much, much longer to process the emotions of the divorce.  I was on defense the entire time.  You'll probably find the same thing happens to you.

I think you're giving karma way too much credit.  You were seeing escorts for a reason, and she was losing interest in sex and drifting away for a reason.  If she thinks she's a lesbian, then there's nothing you can do to change that.  She's apparently going through a late self-discovery phase.

My ex-wife's new husband is a heck of a nice guy.  But his first wife left him for another woman after having been married for about 15 years and having had two daughters.  He's been a great husband to my ex and none of us think anything he did contributed to his wife switching to the other team. It was just something she was going to do in order to be true to herself.  

So quit beating yourself up, start dealing with the emotional loss, and do your best to keep the full range of emotions you'll experience under control.  

And BTW, to quote the oft quoted Sundance, there are no rules in a knife fight, and you're now in a knife fight.  So lock down your cash and other assets the minute you're done reading this.  It WILL get ugly, even if it hasn't happened yet.  The minute a lawyer gets involved and she realizes how much everything is going to cost her to start her new life, all bets are off.

I came home one night after work to a big fucking surprise.  She had a battle plan which she executed like Field Marshal Rommel.  By comparison, I didn't even know we were getting divorced.

believe in something, but having seen plenty of couples where one member switches teams after many years of marriage, I've seen no trace of karmic influence in the process. Just individuals coming to a point in their life where it takes too much effort to live a life trying to be someone they're not. Hope you get through this time stronger, wiser, and capable of experiencing joy in your life, once again.

You certainly had a nice long run in this hobby. Good luck getting through the divorce and starting a new life.

Sorry, I don't mean to come off as insensitive during a painful time for you though I don’t necessarily get the impression that your wife is switching teams and instead may want to play for both sides…after all she was doing you “every damned morning”. You say you still love this woman, so maybe you should define what “clipping her wings” really means and that the “transition” you two should be exploring may not be divorce. I know a couple who had that kind of relationship, except in his case, he knew about it going into the marriage and enjoyed the aspect of his wife who was very attractive, bringing home other hot women for both of them.  Note that I did refer to his wife in past tense and after a run of several years, she decided that she liked women more than men.  

In any case, I agree with G2 in that you really need to stop beating yourself up over this karma thing…your reason for having been here is typical of a lot of guys on this board!

Yours truly,

Dr. Laura


-- Modified on 7/6/2010 10:31:34 PM

Same thing happened to me bro -- a long ass time ago!!!  

You will NOT believe me but there is a MUCH better woman in your future that God has waiting for you but he needs to make some room for.

I really thought my first wife was the only woman I would ever love and a decade later I now see I'm so much happier now.

My guess is your wife is going through a mid life crisis -- that's what it sounds like from your description.  Let her know you love her and that you fully support her happiness no matter what she needs to do to find it.  If she wants to get a corvette and attend eminem concerts then you'll go with her and learn all the words too.  Or if she really wants to be single again then you'll fully support that too -- what ever it takes to stay her friend.

I told my first wife no matter what it takes I want to stay friends and she can have anything she wants.  I was really hurt to catch her cheating on me but it made me realize women need sex more than men do -- in her case it was for validation.  Men don't need validation like that.  We know we're ugly and we're fine with it.  

Anyhow if you didn't get caught hobbying then this has nothing to do with that, unless you stopped fucking her because you were fucking escorts.

Regardless I wish you the best and I promise you what is meant to be will be.  Trust in that and join match.com right after you move all your money into a safe deposit box she doesn't know about.

Plus the trip with her GF.  I guess we'll need clarification.

Either way it sucks to have to go through that.

Phunhog,

You were on adventures in life and they must have made you somewhat distracted during the last number of hobby years. But that doesn't mean you incurred a huge karmic bill on the hobby's account. Bottom line, I don't think we are designed for the long haul in a relationship. You hobbied to find enjoyment and solace when shit wasn't that exciting at home. That's bound to happen in any long term relationship. Maybe your hobbying stretched out your time with your wife and gave you both more years together. Maybe if you hadn't had fun dog, you would have parted ways long before. Very sorry your life is being changed so drastically and suddenly, but in all negative things there is some major good that can come from it.... New life awaits. Best wishes on your next adventure!

you need to do what you need to do.  i understand that.
i hope that you will find strength and happiness but i do have an opinion about the idea karmic retribution.

but you know recently i had some medical issues that really kinda messed up my life.
when i think about why it happened to me, it really made me realize that we as humans sometimes have this idea of fairness or a just world.

we can talk about karma, heaven and hell, etc.  but where's the karma in children getting cancer, or an earthquake killing thousands in haiti, a place already ravaged by poverty.  

i dont think there is a god and i think bad stuff just happens sometimes and life is many things but fair isn't one of them.

anyway just my 2cents and something to consider :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_phenomenon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Problem_of_evil

good luck with everything

I think one reason I do a lot of hobbying is for validation.  And I'm not that ugly.

Thanks for saying that.  I thought I was slower than I am, thinking "where is this she's a lesbiam coming from?"

the same girlfriend your wife has been taking trips with? I confess, I didn't see the lesbian thing at first either. But, now I am wondering if your wife and her girlfriend are in a serious relationship. Don't know if your wife is bisexual or not. Doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is where her heart is.

Have you thought about stalling this divorce by going to counseling with her? Would she be open to that? If so, find a good therapist.

The weight loss, dressing younger, interest in new forms of music are all signs to me that she was interested in someone else. What I don't understand is why she was having sex with you every morning?!?

All the posters who told you to get a good lawyer are quite correct. You may think you can trust her and that this will be a simple procedure, but it won't. Never is. No divorce is easy and without pain.

Doesn't sound like you and your wife have kids, which is a good thing.

Good luck. Think about the counseling. It never worked for me, but it might buy you some time and possibly a reconciliation, if that is what you want.

Lancer

Ya, I guess it was the reference of the trip with her friend, and the lyrics to the Eminem song that sent me down that path to that assumption. In themselves, they are not evidence of switching teams, but that he choose to bring them up seemed to imply such.

Ask me how I know.