it would seem that "true and successful" negotiation of fidelity would by default eliminate the concept of "cheating" insomuch as the parties to the negotiation would be concerned, if in fact the agreement is truly and successfully negotiated and mutually agreed to.
Holly Hill wrote a book entitled 'Sugarbabe', in which she states that loving partners should be willing to negotiate fidelity. She feels that it is not natural for human beings to be monogamous.
She claims that if one partner is not interested in the physical portion of a relationship, that the other partner should be allowed to seek physical release elsewhere.
She feels like it is benerficial to all concerned to cheat as long as you have your partner's okay to do so. She thinks it is healthy to allow your mate to cheat and that it will ultimately lead to less incidences of divorce.
As a provider, I am able to see firsthand that sometimes it is very necessary for men to seek companionship outside the constrains of their marriage and/or relationship. I feel that providers offer an escape from the stresses and pressures of a "normal" day for some gentlemen. Providers are not going to bother a hobbyist about a home project or balancing the checkbook or driving the kids to sporting activities. We simply provide an oasis in which the only thing that matters is having a great time. It seems many of them go back to their mates rejuvenated.
I am not married, so I am unsure how I would feel about negotiating fidelity with a partner. I think it could have some perks, though I think it could cause some problems as well...
What do you think of this idea? Were we meant to be monogamous? Do you think monogamy is "old fashioned"? Would you be willing to let your partner "cheat" with your knowledge? Do you feel like negotiating fidelity is a good idea?...pros? cons?
I don't believe in letting your partner cheat. Maybe Im "old fashioned" but thats the way I was raised and that is what I believe in. If im in a relationship, im not going to see other people and I would expect the same out of my partner.
Maybe if I was married I would have a different idea on the monogamy situation. If I was with a lady and having trouble in the bedroom, maybe some time away from eachother sexually would make the relationship better? Im sure their are couples who can negotiate fidelity and probably couldn't be happier. If my partner said she would like to see another guy, I would probably be in shock lol.
So for now im gonna stay old fashioned when Im in a relationship only one woman at a time. But im pretty happy being single and free for now! I have plenty of life to live and see if i change my mind.
Love is love and sex is sex. We read too many posts about guys that still love their spouse, BUT. If I found myself in that situation, it sure would be nice to be able to have an easy fix. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, so if she needed to go get some, have at it.
We know a whole bunch of both types of couples.....
The swinger couples we know have all been happily married for decades....why? The point of cheating is removed from the deal breakers.
The vanilla couples don't stay married very long bc someone cheats.....and neither one is in touch with reality.
I would not advocate the swing lifestyle for everyone.....but I do think couples would do very well bringing "strange" into their bedroom from time to time.
I have always wondered how providers that are married have a healthy relationship.
Do you have a understanding ? If so I have many other questions to the so called loving man that would want his lover / wife or girlfriend risking herself.
We face many different challenges everyday and no matter how safe you are and how much you screen there can always be that one person that ruins it for all.
As far as having a open relationship ,that would be the only way to go. How would it even out if you partner is only doing it for fun and your doing it for a profit ?
I'm sure many providers have relationships and how well it works I don't know. I believe you can make anything work no matter what the situation.
I would think no matter what being honest is the most important part no matter what type of relationship you have.
Monogamy is a choice and comes with more pros than cons in my opinion. It's only viewed as old fashion because its value has been somewhat diminished today.
I can't count how many times I've heard "I feel guilty" yet it changes nothing. (Haha..random thought) Negotiating may work for some couples during some stages of a relationship, but for the long haul, I can't see it working. Though I'm sure there are many couples who could prove me wrong. The main reason I feel this way is because one person will always tire of this dynamic and leave the other person out on a limb.
In conclusion, would I allow it with full knowledge? No ma'am, not in this lifetime or the next.
"I would think no matter what being honest is the most important part no matter what type of relationship you have."
That's spot on, April. And I agree, great questions, Samantha.
From someone who has been married a few times, a couple of other observations---although there are too many variables to be comprehensive.
One is you both have to be emotionally stable and mature, absolutely no game playing. And Power is huge here. Let's face it, the woman always has the upper hand. And who makes the money? Is there a big disparity there?
Why do people commit, with or without a church/state marriage? At my age I am of the opinion that the only valid reason involves having kids. But most people "in love" also do so for security, the belief that commitment means not being abandoned...forever and ever...as unlikely as that may be. If, after the honeymoon, one or the other has "needs" that are not being met in a monogamous relationship, then I think it becomes time not to "cheat" but to be honest and explore that.
In my late 20's, married, my wife and I had dinner with a neighbor woman friend. The friend suggested a 3-some. My wife wasn't interested. As the friend was about to leave, my wife said, "go do what you gotta do." I did. One needs that kind of a partner or a swinging "let's do this together" partner for anything like that to have a chance to survive, I imagine.
As a guy, I can only imagine doing it together or not at all. That's the honesty part, and without that I don't see what you have.
Been in the hobby for about two years. Seen quite a few ladies in Vegas and LA. I think the experience has made me a better husband and an over all we rounded person. My wife thinks I have become much better over the past two years but does not know why. I think we (providers and Hobbyists) are on the cusp of a revolution in human behavior. I think that seeing providers is a much healthier out let for stress of everyday life than crawling into a bottle of Vodka or other drugs. A Very young and popular provider in Las Vegas once told me If she was in a relationship or even married. She would have no problem allowing her SO see escorts. She said "it's really no big deal" Food for thought.
I hear a lot of statements that "monogamy" is not natural but they seldom have accompanying supporting evidence. There are many examples of monogamy in the animal kingdom, so why not in human?
Were we meant to be monogamous? The question is not meaningful. The fact that humans are largely monogamous and have thrived suggests that it is probably beneficial in propagating the trait, and without doubt it is natural.
The answers we get depend on the forum where the questions are asked, and on TER it is not difficult to guess what the majority of the answers may be.
I have not read the book but I wonder if the author is engaging in bad science to support her thesis.
Excellent question! I had a friend who espoused the theory that marriage should be a renewable contract say every three years where either party could opt out without the messy side of divorce or they could re-up for another three years. At first I thought the idea to be far fetched but with the divorce rate at 50% there is some merit in his argument and in Samantha's post. Are we truly meant to be togther for life or is the animal inside us too powerful for monogamy? I'm not sure of the answer to that question but there has to be a complete unbiased by in by both parties if they are going to allow each other to "cheat" and I believe there was another post which stated this truly wouldn't be cheating if both parties agreed. Once again I don't know if cheating is the right word but as a married person who has known my wife for 2/3 of my life I would not mind if she experienced someone else, this could be gulit talking because I have experienced a few someone elses but if I can do it than she should be able to do it as well. It goes back to honesty I certainly have not disclosed my "cheating" ways because that would casue undo harm; however; it does work both ways and if I don't believe that than I am a fraud. Yes, experiencing a provider is a great distraction to everyday life and living the "fantasy" for a few hours does help recharge my battery and I do believe I am a better person for it. Variety is indeed the spice of life and it should work both ways, thank you for the very intriguing question.
I would like to think a couple could have any relationship they desire as long as there is respect, dialogue, honesty and transparency. Shouldn't a relationship have these anyway? Sadly many do not....
There has always been a diversity of relationships in life. There is cultural and religious based monogamy, polygamy and polyandry. In nature there are mated pairs, loners and herds. I would argue that no one system is correct or better, but that there are many ways for the circle of life to proceed as necessary. Judeo-Christian customs assert that monogamy is the only method and this permeates western culture but this view is not shared by a large part of the world population. As we become more enlightened people, we can define what works best for us.
In my own case, I adore tall beautiful blonde ladies. But occasionally, I like to spend time with a cute little asian or a brunette etc.. I am a romantic and would like to believe that there is a woman someday that could blow me away such that I would want to see and experience only her... That when I close my eyes and dream, I dream only of her. Until then there is TER.
Were we meant to be monogamous? The question is not meaningful. The fact that humans are largely monogamous and have thrived suggests that it is probably beneficial in propagating the trait, and without doubt it is natural.
Um.....where do you get your idea that humans are "largely monogamous"?? I think that has become an idealized version of what marriage/commitment is supposed to be about, but I wonder how many married man are truly faithful over the entire span of their marriage??? I suspect a minority of them, a pretty small minority in fact.
Some animals practice monogamy, but it is by far the exception in the natural world, not the rule.
After a couple of failed marriages and then being in this business, I have decided that my next SO will have the opportunity (if he chooses) to have 2 providers a month. He can make me a bucket list and then I get to choose the 2 flavors of that month - I'll need to check them out of course and also, I may just want to somehow participate (probably won't though). I feel that guys love a variety and what it boils down to is that it is just sex - not love.
I often wonder if a guy has the go ahead to do this if it would take away from that excitement of sneaking around. I agree that it is all about the communication!
I would like to have a person who accepts me for me,all of me.That's why being honest from the start is always the best.
That way the people involved can either proceed on with the relationship or not.
If you love someone and they have been honest with you about your likes , dislikes and what you do for a living ect. Then your partner is going to have a idea of what you need.
Communication is so important in personal relationships and work related relationships. If you don't let something build up there is no space for conflict.
I will make sure that when I am on the hunt for my other half that they know the real me. There is much more to me then just a provider. That is one of the great perks of getting to know your clients and vice versa. You understand eachother better and once again communication is key to have a great time with a provider or hobbiest.
In my late 20's, married, my wife and I had dinner with a neighbor woman friend. The friend suggested a 3-some. My wife wasn't interested. As the friend was about to leave, my wife said, "go do what you gotta do." I did. One needs that kind of a partner or a swinging "let's do this together" partner for anything like that to have a chance to survive, I imagine.
As a guy, I can only imagine doing it together or not at all. That's the honesty part, and without that I don't see what you have.
do tell how this came up. I mean was it like she said - "oh could you please pass the salt - and while you at it could I eat your wife out while you fuck me in the ass?"
Seriously? Don't know how old you are, but in your younger days you were never with a SO and another close woman friend who was bold enough and open enough to be clear that she was hot for you? And would be interested in a 3-some? Geez! Too bad.
This did occur in the 70's, but I can't imagine that it doesn't happen today, even more frequently.....at least I would deduce that from being a long time and current reader of the Playboy Advisor.....hehe!
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