Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

-- Modified on 2/11/2013 3:06:47 PM

-- Modified on 2/11/2013 3:07:00 PM

A guy is driving home from the golf course and sees this lovely lady with a flat tire on the side of the road. He pulls over and changed the tire and in doing so makes a mess of himself. The lady insists that he come back to her place to clean up. Reluctantly he agrees and he washes up at here place. While doing so she has opened a bottle of wine and changed ito something more comfortable. So one thing leads to another and they end up making love all afternoon. He realizes how late it has goten and says his goodbyes and drives home feeling very guilty.

Not being able to handle the guilt he confesses the whole thing to his wife. She stares at him with an icy glare and says "You are a fucking  lieing bastard. You played 36 holes diddn't you!"

Here's one I like:
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat...
As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?". She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer.", she says " I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."

If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.  =)

It is now the retired general's board, where old jokes go to die.

The Chicken and the Egg are in bed. The Egg is smoking a cigarette and says, "I think I came first."

The most hard-core T-shirt I ever saw was on display on Duval Street in Key West years ago.  It said:
"Slap me,
Kick me,
Beat me.
Come on my tits,
then get the fuck out."
The T-shirt of the ultimate liberated, topping from the bottom woman.  Or maybe guy.

-- Modified on 2/11/2013 4:13:55 PM