Could use a pick me up. If anyone has some really silly or funny jokes, post them here. I am awful at telling jokes so give me soemthing even I can deliver haha  

I could use all the laughs I can get.

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
 
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
 
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
 
"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
 
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
 
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
 
"What about your third husband?"
 
"That one was a DEMOCRAT", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

would you hold it against me?

(ba-doom)

They both complain that he is suffering from ED. The doctor asks the man to step outside, so he leaves.  

He then asks the wife to take her clothes off. She asks why. He says he needs to check something that might help her husband get an erection.  

So, she strips off, lays down on the table and the doctor walks around her a couple of times and writes some notes in his charts. He then tells her to get dressed.  

The doctor walks out and says to the husband, "It's not you, she doesn't get me hard either!".

......and slaps $1000 down on the counter. "Give me your ugliest hooker and an overcooked steak!"

The madam looks at the trucker and says, "But sir, for that money you could have my best girl and a fine meal"
The trucker replies "Listen lady, I'm not horny, I'm homesick!"

Today's society would.

A female police officer tells the guy she just arrested that anything he says will be held against him. He replies "your tits and pussy".

Two cowboy buddies are hangin' out, knockin back some brews and talkin' about their sex lives.

"I tell ya, Clem...." says Travis, "I love the fuck outta my gal, I really do, and we have the best sex ever but there's one thing I wish we could do but it ain't ever happened yet. We ain't never had us a simultaneous orgasm. I'd give damn near anything  if we could both cum together, even just one time."  

"Aw hell, Trav, that's easy! Me and my gal cum together all the fuckin time!  Here's what we do. We'll be sexin' it up, humpin away like crazy and right when we's both gettin' close I just pull out my Colt 45 and KABLAM!! Fire that sucker off and we cum together every fuckin time!"

"Sounds like just the thing, Clem, I'm gonna give it a shot!"

A week or so later Clem is drinkin'  a beer and he see's Travis through the window limping toward the saloon looking like death warmed over. Poor guy could barely walk.

"Jesus, Trav, what the fuck happened to you?!?!"

"Well, buddy, last night I did just like you suggested with my gal, hopin' for that simultaneous orgasm. We was both grindin' away, humpin like fuckin' crazy....she got to moanin' louder and louder and I knew she was gettin' close. And I was too so I pulls out my gun and KABLAM!!! And I'll be goddamned if she didn't bite off my dick and shit right on my face!!!"

Meant to tell you this last time I saw you, Mads, and I forgot! But don't be getting any ideas for our next date, okay? I don't have a gun and its just a joke. LOL!

Omg thank you! That made me laugh out loud. Read this one first bc I like truckers hahaha

Haha that'll get a ya nice taze lol
.

Ouch. Lol

Omg hahaha don't worry hard limit! You're friggin terrible lol.

...when the Devil appears & tells the first drunk that he will grant him any wish if he can tell the devil any task that he can't do, or he will be vanquished to hell. The first drunk challanges the devil to pass an elephant through the eye of a needle & to the drunks horror the devil does it & the first drunk is vanquished. The same offer is made to the second drunk who challanges the devil to get chocolate milk direct from a cows udder & the devil does this quite easely, vanquish drunk #2. The same offer is made to drunk #3 who replies with a big nasty fart & tells the devil to catch that & paint it green.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What do women and noodles have in common?
Both wiggle when you eat them.

 
I did not write these

Beyond a doubt, the greatest statement of all was made by Democrat House Speaker Sam Rayburn at the first Congressional session after Ted Kennedy was caught, on camera, having sex with one of his aides on the deck of his yacht  ... "Ah see that the good Senatuh from the great
state of Massutwoshits has changed his position on off-shore drillin. "

...five dicks and a joke?
.
A: You're Mom can't take a joke.

Great story, but Sam Rayburn died before Waterbed Ted entered the Senate.  The quotation is, I believe, properly attributed to Sen. Howell Heflin of Alabama.

Thanks for the critique.  I knew that Sam Rayburn was speaker when the US declared war on Japan, but I didn’t think I’d encounter any historians on this duck board, so I didn’t fact check.

As I understand it, there were four pictures published. The first showed Ted and the gal on the yacht, the second showed the gal jumping into the water, the third showed Ted diving into the water, and the last and famous one which precipitated the quote, showed them having sex onboard. Another famous quote which came about referred to the third picture which showed him diving into the water. It went along the lines of "it was the first time anyone could recall Ted Kennedy diving into the water after a woman".