How messed up am I?  Is it time to walk?  Find another hobby like wood whittling?  I have sads and I don't even know why.

wake up and do it again. lol

I was on a trip to Europe a few years back, on business in Munich. I had the option of spending time with an old girlfriend but then surprised myself by making excuses to my friend and paying to see a reputable provider. Zero baggage and zero hassle. Never going back to the civilian world. Provider or not, free sex is never free, IMHO.

P4P isn't drama free as we end up realizing after too much time in this hobby. I'm wondering the same thing you are and I know I'm more messed up than you.

What i'm reading is that you were offered free sex from one provider but chose to pay to see another provider.  This boils down to four things to me:

It's definitely not about control.  That doesn't do it for me.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the first one has a lot of emotional baggage and, even though the sex is good, I leave feeling depressed.  It's one of those situations where solutions are simple but they don't want to do anything about it.  

You can't have sex and expect no drama.  You can pretend for a little while.  You can even lie to yourself for a while longer but eventually it will surface in one form or another.  The problem isn't the drama.  The problem is coming to terms on whether or not we seek it.  I think I do.

One way or another, drama eventually creeps in where men, women, and copulation are concerned. The fantasy of drama-free sex is a goal but one that often falls short of the ideal. Except for CTP, he seems to have found the secret sauce of drama-free sex with over 200+ served LOL.

No, this is not my alias, LMAO!

Thing is, I've only been doing this a few months.  It has served it's purpose though.  I don't have any complaints.  I've realized what my problem is though.  I can't enjoy it unless there is mutual attraction and of course that mutual attraction leads to drama because these are not ideal situations to be meeting under.  I'm going to start getting my fix somewhere else and I think I know where.  I've got one more appointment already booked and based on that, I'll see if it's the last one.

Don't see a provider more than once.  There are enough providers in the market that one could go a lifetime without repeating.

and wish you good luck. There are gems out there, found one myself a year ago.

No better way to ruin a great appointment than writing a review with less than the mandatory 10/10 scores. I jest, most are happy with 9/10 or 10/9. I jest again, some are even happy with 9/9. I'm still jesting but not by much...