I'm seriously thinking of a forming a real connection ( look, there's a C word, shudder!) with someone I have known a looooonng time- no sudden moves, however!... and while I would be ok not being with other men if/when we go down that road, the dude is a major chicken killer (have you seen Ron Whites special on Netlfix..hilarious) and the man will ALWAYS need strange.

I understand that.  Whatta surprise!

I can't stand being lied to.  Won't have it.  Lack of monogamy is not a deal breaker for me, but deception is.  Which explains why I have been SINLGE for so long!

So.  Negotiations would include some boundaries we would create together (and hodpefully he would honor).  I've seen couples who are very bonded, and very happy, that share their bodieswith others.  I'm not a bi as I would like to be, although I've long thought that would be something I would be comfortable exploring more in the security of a relationship...blah blah blah, you get where I am coming from and the input I am asking for.
This should be a good thread

You're thinking of forming a serious connection. OK, so it's not head over heels in love, you have to analyze and think through whether you want to love this guy or not. This sounds more like an SD/SB relationship than a serious commitment. Or maybe you're finally willing to settle on less than Mr Perfect, because you're not getting any younger?

I've known a few swinger couples and in every case they broke up because of jealousy from one partner. What starts out as fun and exciting invariably turns into one partner getting more action than the other or one partner enjoying a different partner more than her own. It seems to me that while we all detest monogamy in this hobby, when it comes right down to it, this is the only stable way to keep a relationship intact. Of course, the hobby turns that theory upside down but from the woman's side, she's still faithful and has no idea her mate isn't being faithful.

Just how much can you trust each other? Could one of you go on a business trip and rest assured that that neither of you are sneaking around on the other? With both of you having had many sex partners, can you live with only one dick for the rest of your life? The same ole, same ole, day after day, year after year after you've had the excitement of many different partners?

The bottom line is unless you're madly head-over-heels in love with this guy, you'll probably get bored after a while. Those of us who have settled in our relationships know this all too well.

...although I am not in a relationship right now, I've given polyamory and open relationships a great deal of thought, and when I have been dating people, open relationships have worked best for me.  Have you ever read "The Ethical Slut"?  It's a great book, and while I don't agree with 100% of the opinions expressed, reading it was very helpful in getting my mind churning about what kinds of boundaries and parameters I was looking for in an open relationship.  I highly recommend it!!

...and for me personally, it just doesn't work too well. I've been in several open relationships, and I'm as ethical about them as possible. The Ethical Slut is an excellent book, as Zoey mentioned, but ethical non-monogamy is as wide and varied as the people who practice it.  Experimentation and communication are key.  You have to find parameters and limits that work for you.

I have been in a few "open relationships" and in one now. He understands what I do here and also knows that I am a sexual creature. I feel that if everyone is honest with what they want then it is ok. I am getting him a girl for his birthday present because I think he would like it! I am very bi and enjoy the threesome effect but if he wants just him and her then that is fine too because he is coming back to me! Then he can tell me what was fun! I could do the same if I found someone to play with! It might not be for everyone but it is fun for me! I get to play all around!
Just make sure you are honest with each other! Best way to go!

Love
Zana

As for my response:  Pirate, I do love him.  Unconditionally.  We are great friends, have known each other since 12 and 15: the mofo was my first slow dance, the first 'boy' to put his arms around me!  He chased me for years and years (we didn't become lovers til 2009, when I finally acquiesced), I've seen him through 2 marriages, one of which was to my best friend and they almost friggin killed each other...and he has supported my myriad of dreams, ambitions, travels, adventures...if we connect on a deep level, finally Go There, it will last.  
IF he can be honest with me.  That's the point.

He's more conservative than I am, even tho he can be a great big slut.  I lead the charge in the bedroom and relationship, although of course he does whatever he wants.  I have purposely made sure he has never had to lie to me.  I won't let him ask me any questions and I return the favor.  
I just keep telling him that there are no double standards.  We respect each others individuality.

The lack of monogamy is more his issue.  I just know him so well, and know MEN so well.  If he were traveling I would dial a ho. what's the big deal?   A threesome every now and again, yee ha!  IF he could contain himself in the boundaries we establish. That's the big question.  
I've listened to lies roll off his lips for years; he is an accomplished and an astute liar, and it's always about his 'cheating'.  
I'm not going to be on the receiving end of that.  No way.

I have seen couples successfully navigate open relationships, as some of the ladies here are pointing out.  I'll check out the book, and keep researching, figuring it out.  As I said, I lead the charge in our relationship...he is very successful powerful busy and I am his safe place to just lay it down.  We established that soon after we became lovers, and it was our interaction that lead me to sensual domination in my business life.  I love nothing more than to dominate a successful powerful man.  it turns me on like nothing else.  Get em all tied up and blindfolded....ya baby!!

I am taking this very seriously; yes, I am getting ready to be truly READY to share my life after years and years of being very happy as a Single...I have a Rock Star life, I do whatever I want and enjoy each and every day.  However, times are changing, I have changed, it's just getting to be Time...and he is my first choice...not my only choice, tho.  
And he's the one throwing around the M word, not me.  I'm just paying very close attention and giving it the consideration it deserves.
Who wouldn't want to be married to their best friend, someone who has proven themselves over and over again to Care, Respect, Nurture and Appreciate you?  
That the sex is always rockin, steamy hot and fun as shit def helps!!  
I couldn't be in a relationship that didn't include fun, hot and plentiful sex, no way.
We both have very high sex drives.  It's critical for couples to be on the same page that way.
I'm the one that brings the experimentation to the bedroom (or couch, kitchen table, car, restaurant bathroom...)

Nope the only issue is his chicken killin, and to me that ain't a deal breaker: it's all about respect, honesty and containment.  
Ok, enough of my personal life on this fuck board...tho I am very appreciative to have you good people to bounce this off of...now everyone have a fantastic day and post or pm me if you have more input, it's mucho appreciated.

xoC
oh look- a 'c' word...ahhhh!!!!
 

The blonde (wife) and I have been together for 34 years. We have been involved in the Lifestyle or swinging for the last 10. We have a circle of couples that enjoy sharing each others company and at times bodies

The sex is almost secondary. The friendship is the main attraction of these people. In some ways we are like a large, kind of weird,  family.

The rules are pretty simple. If they are in the circle you have permission.  Outside of the circle and its a conversation. Either one can veto and subject is then closed. Once in a while we get the urge to go hunting and its only sex we are looking for.

She gets more action than i do. That's not a concern since she found out she likes girls as well as boys.

So far of our couple friends only one has been divorced. Some decide to leave the Lifestyle but stay married.

 
I would say communication and a  clear understanding and agreement of what you are doing is key.

Hope this helps.

I developed a relationship with a former companion and we went through consistent periods of struggle because of lack of trust when it comes to monogamy. Even though I hadn't seen or been with anyone during our two year relationship she couldn't help but remember how she met and and vice-versa. Trust needs to be for a relationship to last.

I honestly don't know.  We will discuss it of course. I know he chased and chased and chased me- hauled me out of the back of a bar and almost raped me one drunken nite. Jumped into a taxi when I was trying to escape another- he was married to my friend!!   The dude cannot take no for an answer.  It may very well be the chase
If it s Strange, that can be contained.  Next time I see him I am going to arrange a threesome to,actually see him with someone else and see how I react- then I'll know what I am willing to negotiate.  

However , if it's the Chase- wtf, right?
I'm just setting myself up for disrespect and deception and I simply will not live that way.

So guys- if you were my very special fucktard( oh he has many nicknames) and I was to lay this out for you, what would your reaction/ response be- besides that you had hit the lottery??

agreed, we have been in lifestyle for 20 years. and communication about all feelings is key,
Keep lies and jealousy out of it. that just comes from insecurity and if you communicate about it and you keep each other first in all that you do the lifestyle can be incredible as well as the wonderful people you meet

The jealousy. I'm a jealous and hard core lover, which is why I know I can't be in a relationship while in this gig. Because if I can - he should be able to as well, and I don't like that lol. Hypocrite? Yes, definitely.

I do have a few FWB that I can call on to take care of me while I'm taking time off. I'm fortunate to have them, but we both know what the deal is - only sex. Then we don't even talk until it's time again lol. It's kind of nice, but feels weird and does hurt at times.

Before I discovered the hobby as we know it 7 years ago, I did some swinging with couples who were looking for a  
Man (the bull) for the wife.   Kind of a community called hot wives.  I found the relationships fascinating  
The couple that had been together the longest and seemed to be the most together shared your philosophy -
No lying.    So their rules were they always do it together.  Either one could pick someone for sex, but the act(s) had
To be in the presence of the other.   Helps if the woman is bi of course.    Their other rule was no overnights.   Hope this helps.

I would be cool with him being with a professional I would set up-  
I have no idea how many side dishes he has.  
This is all helping very much

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships  
by Tristan Taormino 2008 might be a useful read. Check an online site that sells books, like one that starts with an Am .It has 110 reviews posted. Hope this helps.

Blurb: Relationship expert and bestselling author Tristan Taormino offers a bold new strategy for creating loving, lasting relationships. Drawing on in-depth interviews with over a hundred women and men, Opening Up explores the real-life benefits and challenges of all styles of open relationships — from partnered non-monogamy to solo polyamory. With her refreshingly down-to-earth style and sharp wit, Taormino offers solutions for making an open relationship work, including tips on dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, finding community, parenting and time management. Opening Up will change the way you think about intimacy.

This guys sounds like a real hound dog, so you have to let go of any feelings of sexual possessiveness. This is really the hard part for most because our romantic conditioning is all built around trying to own a piece of our partner.  

From what you posted, I'm betting that even some of the boundaries you are considering will eventually be breached. The second he feels "trapped," he's going to run. The best you can do is lay the expectation that he will be absolutely truthful to you, and that he will be there when you need him. Good luck!

-- Modified on 9/15/2014 7:37:03 AM

I will def. check out the book, thank you!!
This is all very helpful and exactly the input I was hoping for.  I chose the Chicago board because you guys are a wise bunch, and more 'united' in supporting each other than other areas of the country.  I thank you for indulging me: I am finding this very supportive and educational.  
I really don't believe people-esp men- are wired for monogamy.  I have an interdisciplinary degree in social science and I've been in the adult biz for years-come on, lets get real!

Of course, everyone is different, and with a lot of men, this wouldn't be an issue-at least on the surface.  I don't want a neutered pet, as Bill Mahr puts it.  I actually WANT someone to do what they want to do!!  
But I'm not a surface person, I like rolling in the deep recesses of the soul, I will have only True Intimacy and it must remain untainted by deception/disrespect.
Or- watch me walk.
And he knows that.

Goddess knows I get hard jobs, and if Prince Charming (nick-named by my former trainer, who was a 70 year old former Hell's Angel enforcer) really is my man, after all the pushing him away, all the other men I have tried to make a go of it with, then it's going to take a whole lot of communication, understanding and acceptance of flaws and all.
I agree he will probably fuck it up.  The good thing is, he's very accountable.  We both are.  
When he fucks up he will admit it.  He takes a good bitch slap.

You know the saying men should have as many cars and women as they can afford?  Well, last count he had 18 cars-ridiculous, but he's good looking, charming as shit and has a Midas touch like I've never seen-he doesn't know how he does it!

Sexual possessiveness-for some reason, and no, I haven't drank the coolaide so this could change-I'm not jealous of him.  I've been jealous/possessive with other men I've been in love with in he past, but I don't know why it's different here-maybe it's because I understand him and know what is between us isn't something he shares with anyone else-the level of friendship, understanding, acceptance even-we are such good friends, so much history, and he has been there to support me unconditionally, has my back whenever I start to fall, offers help when he sees I need it, often wo my asking-he's just always there for me and I have never, ever had that before, not in a relationship, not my weak-ass parents, no one has shored me up during difficult times like he has/does.  He invests in me- supports my dreams, ambitions, wants me to be Whole and happy, fulfilled.  He'll ask me about my motivations and plans, and then gets behind me.  He believes in me.
That makes me feel loved and cared for as well as wanting to suck his dick every single morning and throughout the day.  So there ya go.
 
Respect.  What dos that mean to each of us?  To me, it's giving me the truth, straight up, undiluted, so I can make my decisions based on facts, not some bs you are spewing to manipulate me with.  It means doing what you say you are going to do, or communicating Change of Plans.  
It means coming from a place of Courage, Heart, Honor.  Loyalty-ok.  Of course.  Wanting to make someone happy?  Yes.  Growth.  Evolution.  These are the things which are important to me, not whether he ever sticks his dick in someone else.  

Sigh.  Ok, I got stuff to do-I tell myself no body is perfect, not even a perfect stranger and it's all about finding the right kind of crazy.  I'll check into the materials you all have so generously provided and see what turn the conversations takes when I see him at the end of the month.  
this is helping me figure out what is most important to me, and again, thanks so much.,
I'll shut the f up now!
Have a great Monday!!!
 

I don't mind, just tell me the truth, etc.

CAVEAT:  I run in pretty open minded circles, but there are definitely more open minded people who may be able to do this.  I'm also not including swingers, which is 100% different (because both are present every time, etc). That does seem to work often enough.  But otherwise:

Here's the problem: when a man is ga-ga in love with you, he doesn't want to think of you as someone who would tolerate that.  Also, the old "You make me want to be a better man" line- they do.  Bad.  And even if WE know that for some people, some things are inevitable, that isn't ok with them.

After breaking three engagements over the issue, I didn't get it.  Now, I get it and would prefer the truth but I wouldn't let fibbing get under my skin the way it did before.

BTW: I'm talking about overall traditional, successful men.  Which makes sense because being successful requires constantly raising the bar for yourself.  I also know equally successful men who are off the chain wild with no intention of settling down (again), which will last until they find someone they're ga-ga for.

I guess you should go for it but keep your eyes and ears open. Hobbyists aren't the trustworthy type and I speak from experience, LOL. But if the sex is great and you keep him satisfied, he probably has no reason to cheat. Since you're open to threesomes, you're giving him an opportunity for a little variety and that will definitely keep the excitement alive.

I wish you the best Claire and if this makes you happy, go for it. If you do, I don't want to see you back posting on this board in 3 or 6 months like so many others end up doing. Deal? -)

PP

Awesome possum

I am involved with a former client and we occasionally hire girls to add to our fun and thanks to my professional history, we always get a deal!

So...

Wait, I forget what the topic was cuz I started remembering hot times.  Oops. Ummm yeah, open relationships rock!!!!

XXX-Giselle Park

Awesome possum pretty much sums it up

Who the F knows what will or won't happen, at least I am thinking about possible dynamics that we can discuss.  
Marie said something that struck a chord- he is pretty traditional, despite being a great big whore-opps did I say that>>>
I honestly think the best thing for us would be to play with another woman together occasionally, and have it be a pro, or someone we pick up out of town.

However, that will not stop the lying issue.
I'm going to have to be very, very clear that is something I will not tolerate, and no, I won't look the other way.  Nor will I become a private detective.  

Right now, it's nice to be on separate coasts and not have to deal with this discussion as of yet!
Maybe he'll marry his teenager and I'll be off the hook