So I found some text messages that confirmed my suspicions that my wife is having an affair with her personal trainer.  It's been an on-again/off-again (mostly off) loveless marriage for many years now so I'm not the least bit surprised but I'm still hurt and angry.  I've confronted her about her personal trainer before but she just lied about it with one excuse after another.  Now that I have 'evidence' I'm contemplating what to do.... should I confront her with it (which she'll surely deny and lie about it) or should keep quiet about it for now and continue to gather intel?  I know we'll end up divorced so I'm thinking the more evidence, the better.  Thoughts?

I think you and your wife should divorce if you are no longer in love. Do not make it a power or money struggle (although that's pretty hard to avoid given the current legal divorce system). Just do what's right and fair and do not make it more messy than it needs to be.

And of course, take care of yourself. I know this has got to be a difficult time. Perhaps a nice "affair" of your own would make you feel better while you sort things out.

Best wishes either way.

should not throw stones.  

Are you kidding me??

lots of books and web site advice on how to prepare for a divorce. Google it and take action quickly.

Protect your assets and file first. If you have kids then be aware of there needs to.

Try to agree up front to the terms of the divorce before the lawyers get involved....they try to make it worse and divide people just to make more money.

good luck and my condolences.

Since at least 2003, see providers and even TS's and you are angry and hurt because she is cheating on you too? You will get no sympathy here.
You talk about evidence for a divorce, yet you have published over 20 reviews.

I am not going to criticize you for hobbying, but for being somewhat of a hypocrite.

Get the divorce, or suggest an open marriage if you have kids involved. Otherwise let her continue to have her affair especially if you are going to hobby.

some people may feel that hobbying is "cheating"... and some may not... because there are TWO BIG DIFFERENCES!!!!!

Hobbying = NO emotions involved at all!!

Cheating = LOTS & LOTS of emotions involved throughout the whole thing!

Not taking anyone's side here... just saying that in general this is my .02$ of what popped into my head when I was reading this thread!!

Have an awesome night everyone!!

xoxox

Alicia Hartoley!!

Your upset about her trainer.... Yet you have 20 plus reviews! Hmmmm I love it your my type of guy!!!


Kyla

The determination of fault to grant the dissolution  of the marriage will have little to do with the important stuff, da property.  So gathering intel just puts more salt in the wound.  To begin to heal your spirit, you gotta go thru it to grow thru it.  Start the process so that you can get on with her life. Divide the property and move on.  Equally, for YOUR benefit, forgive her and let her pursue her life's destiny.  Not because you are a punk, but because there is balance in the universe and negative feelings only hurt you.  

Best of luck and wishing you the best.

But like the others say , and I have to agree, you have been hobbying since 2003 you have seen multiple women , and yes we can say there are no emotions or  feelings but you still did it. She might have guilty feelings and it might just be a physical attraction on her part . So what. Her one affair isn't as bad as your 20 . Both of you are wrong and if you want your marriage to heal you have to make an important choice. Do you , CAN YOU step away from the boards and looking at girlie websites to focus on helping the matter? Seems to me your only focus in YOU and what YOU can get out of it as if your wife has started to divorce you already. What matters here is that you both have done nothing to help resolve the problem as to why you both are looking in different directions to find sexual relief, but for all you know , she might sense that you have been unfaithful .Women can pick up on those little things you do that you don't think she may pick up on but we do. I've heard some horror stories about how men were found out about online fooling around. If I were you , I'd clear my browser every single time I log off the net and girlie sites , email, chat logs because for all you know she might have her evidence tucked away in a lawyers office or better yet a Private Investigator, bank statements and be preparing for you to make one more oops before evidence is placed in front of you to explain. So before you start calling the kettle black , if you have any element of love left for your wife, you have a decision to make and that is where to get counseling for you both. Marriage counseling .

Angela  

I wonder if the OP would feel differently if his wife had hired a male escort.  One reason men hobby IS to avoid the emotional entanglements of an affair, and the other is that it is MUCH less hassle.  Perhaps his wife is having the affair for the same reason he's hobbying...variety and boredom.

I say, divorce her if you don't want to live with her anymore, or confront her and deal with it.  But don't be hypocritical.  If I found that my wife was having an affair, I'd say Hallelujah! Then we could openly and honestly discuss our issues, and decide what to do next.

What's good for the goose is good for gander.

I really have never understood that saying.  But stealthreviewer has a very valid point.  Sucks, but these are the sand in the hourglass in the days of lives.  Haha!

XXX-Giselle

We are all conflicted beings.  That was why Tony Soprano was such an endearing character.  We have SOs and we hobby for various reasons and we resolve that dichotomy daily, otherwise we wouldn't do it. My advice was not about being hypocritical, its about recognizing the relationship is over and its time to move on.  So yeah perhaps she got involved with the trainer because she found out about his hobby. Regardless, time to move on.

Call Joey Greco!!!!

Now, I hope you ALL know why I don't kiss and tell...

What do you want from us "love2rim"???

YOU have 23 reviews and your pissed cause you found a text message.  (Really?)  You come on to a escort discussion board and YOU want advise from us (and I'M SURE your freaking out) on how to deal with YOUR CHEATING wife. (Really?)

My advice... Get a divorce (Really.).

If you had to go outside of the box 23 times (at least) then why are you with her?  Money???

Secondly, who are YOU to be the judge of your wife's actions?

We all entered into this world with knowledge that it's not a healthy environment.

Point is... This is the wrong venue to be looking for marital advise from.

You shouldn't be on TER.  You should be talking to a good lawyer.

That's my .02

SP

Hi,

Yes, your wife cheated, but you are doing the same thing!! Plain & simple!!

Hi Giselle,

As a guy I can say I enjoyed them back in the day of Luke & Laura on the run, General Hospital!! Nina & Cliff was a good story line on All My Children!! I gave up on soaps when the story line became Implausible on GH!!  Someone built a freeze machine & threatened to use it on Port Charles!!! :o( It sounded something like Mr. Freeze on the old Batman series!!! I never watched DOOL, but Macdonald Carey's Intro was great!! ))

I. Knew the hypocrite argument was going to come out... To be clear, I'm not saying what I did is any less wrong and I'm not even saying I don't deserve it.  We're both guilty and I am NOT looking for sympathy.  Truth be known, we actually started messing around while she was married to her first husband (I was single at the time).... My question is simply can I use the text messages to my advantage in the divorce?

If that's the real point (finally I get a divorce without being the bad guy) then there you go. Get one or have an open marriage. If you are looking for sympathy or comradere here I believe you you will be disappointed.

Women are VERY instinctual creatures, if she feels as if you are already gone, or if you aren't giving her the emotional needs she craves she will look to where she gets the most attention. A lot of time the physical is second and is given as a reward for all the attention and nurturing another gives.  Its not usually the first thing we set out to look for to supplement a marriage.

Lamen terms: if you aren't making her occasionally feel like the hottest thing since sliced toast, someone else will be buttering her bread!!

Xoxo
VC

If you're going to partake outside of the marriage, then you have to allow her equal opportunity to seek out whatever makes her happy and/or satisfies her physical/emotional needs. Otherwise you're a hypocrite. You say yourself it's a loveless marriage. Why stay married? Sounds like you've been having problems for some time. It could be that she discovered your history of seeing providers and decided to seek out her own fun. What's the problem?

Be civil with each other, respect that you're different people and suggest an amicable divorce or at least an open marriage. The only thing each of you has to gain is your freedom.

-- Modified on 3/4/2012 7:09:06 AM

I wonder how the hell your wife would feel if she found out you were taking a side order of the sausage.
Like the old saying goes you made your bed now sleep in it. And you are hurt ? what a joke.
She also has feelings to pal

"Hobbying = NO emotions involved at all!!"

Kidding right?

Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

CW

Posted By: aliciah

some people may feel that hobbying is "cheating"... and some may not... because there are TWO BIG DIFFERENCES!!!!!

Hobbying = NO emotions involved at all!!

Cheating = LOTS & LOTS of emotions involved throughout the whole thing!

Not taking anyone's side here... just saying that in general this is my .02$ of what popped into my head when I was reading this thread!!

Have an awesome night everyone!!

xoxox

Alicia Hartoley!!

Well, you have to agree your post implied a double standard. She would probably be crushed if she found out about your hobbying. Seems from your posts that you believe that you are ready to declare your marriage dead, so my advice will proceed with that assumption.

As has been stated, but lost a few times in the replies: get an attorney ASAP. What you are asking for is legal advice. You can use any information, but whether it is to your benefit to use a set of given information is going to be based on your unique set of circumstances. This is where you need legal counsel.

If your goal now is to end the relationship and get a divorce, you have to understand that you are to immediately consider that you are in an adversarial position to your wife. You get to play the role of "scum bag" in the divorce. Don't confront her, as that will tip her off and prompt her to retain a lawyer before you make your move. Follow your attorney's advice on how to protect your assets, money, etc. in the proceedings. If the type of information contained in the text would be useful in the case, you might also need to hire a PI.

The quicker you move to obtain good legal advice, the better your position will be.

Hi,

I can't answer that question, for I'm not a lawyer!! I sure hope you will not try to "stick it" to her by trying to get money out of her!!  That is dirty pool!! If she will try to get money out of you, then the gloves should come off!! Two wrongs don't make a right!! Thank goodness I'm single!!!

Hi,

I'm of the opinion that a woman & a client can have some emotion, so long as you keep it in check!! It makes a session that much more fun!!

Posted By: aliciah

some people may feel that hobbying is "cheating"... and some may not... because there are TWO BIG DIFFERENCES!!!!!

Hobbying = NO emotions involved at all!!

Cheating = LOTS & LOTS of emotions involved throughout the whole thing!

Not taking anyone's side here... just saying that in general this is my .02$ of what popped into my head when I was reading this thread!!

Have an awesome night everyone!!

xoxox

Alicia Hartoley!!

As I said before, these message will have no affect in the overall outcome unless your wife was the primary bread winner and you gave up  your career as a brain surgeon to stay at home and care for  the kids and now you have emotional distress.  Just get a good attorney that will fight for the best split of the joint stuff.

Its funny how eveyone on this site is some sort of moral police.  The very fact that u r on the site, makes all ur so called morals irrevelent as far as Im concerned.

He asked for more or less legal advise, not a dressing down by the moral police.

Maybe they'd let you watch. You could serve as his fluffer. Feel better now? All things work out for the best.

As for the kids, you'll get weekends or every other, slip up the holidays, say goodbye to the house and 1/2 of your pension/401K and move on. You'll only hurt yourself by fighting and using lawyers instead of just calling 2spades, 2spades and using a mediator to chop up what's left.

Result to a pissing contest with lawyers and you can kiss 30% of what's left good-bye. Sometime cutting your losses is actually a win.


Xoxo
VC

To me Hobbying is nothing but a Business Transaction, it starts when you enter the room and ends when you leave the room. If you have ATF and seeing her twice in a week then you not Hobbying you getting emotionally involve even though you are still a $$$ transaction for the Provider and she is Damn good in making you believe that she really really Loves you and blah blah...when you leave the room the first thing your ATF do is to count the $$$ to make sure you did not short her !! ( happened to me once with my ATF who I had seen at least 50 times calls me while I was in an elevator, Honey you 20 short. to me it was an honest mistake and she never calls when I leave xtra 50 so many times. I went back slide a 20 under the door and never saw that B**** again)
Now their are exception where few providers carry these to next level (and I know of at least 3 of them in last 5 years) and marry the Clients but most of them are not out of Love but another long time Business decision so they can get out of providing and into Housewife's.. God bless them!!

If you have ATF then you should not be accusing your wife she doing the same what you doing.
If you don't have ATF and not attach emotionally to any one and your wife is attached emotionally to this Dude then yeah try to get as much evidence as you can it wont hurt to have that evidence when your lawyer will negotiate a deal with hers Lawyer and you just pray that she don't bring in your 20 Reviews on the Table...If she did then you are Screwed..

If your wife is calling a Gigolo every night then I wont blame her at all she has every right to do that as you have done it yourself for many years.  

Happy Divorce !!!!