Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

tried to call my mother to read your joke to her, but my dad said she was making a  mad dash to church and couldn't make it to the phone.  I thought it was hilarious! My parents are elderly so I try to stir things up for them (in a fun way) now and then.

1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2) Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6) The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!

7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11) Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13) Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.

I'll have to share this with my sister as she and her husband are avid golfers.  I think #7 and #12 are especially funny!