So a guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, He orders a margarita the ostrich orders a glass of wine. The cat says I want half a beer but I ain't paying for it. Guys tab is 13.85 he takes his wallet out flips it over and exactly 13.85 falls out. Bartender chalks it up to a coincidence but thinks its pretty cool. Guy comes in next day orders 2 shots of Jack the ostrich wants a Margarita and the cat says I want half a beer but I ain't paying for it. This time his tab is 16.76 flips wallet out and exact change falls out. This amazes the bartender so he asks how come you always have perfect change? Guy says he found a lamp with a genie in it and that you got to watch those genies with what you ask for so he wished that whenever he bought anything he'd take out his wallet and have exact change everytime. Actually pretty smart says the bar keep. So what did you get with you're other two wishes? Guy nods at the ostrich and the cat. Says yep the genie screwed me after all I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy!!!

That was a groaner. . lol

Another groaner

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.

The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die, but we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the dog comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked brunette. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it!

P-O-S-S-E!"

ok, how about this:

"what's black and white and read all over?"


answer: a newspaper.


Now, if either of you think your joke was funnier than mine, you need therapy.

I'm serious guys, talk to somebody. For all of us.

                             

And I thought that I was gonna have to go to bed tonight without a big smile on my face---LOL

Julia, please, we know the blonde in the "joke" is you, and we know you've fallen for it more than once. Please, have some dignity, just let it go!!!

Why is it that they never tell us to do something productive: (whisper) clean up the house! lose weight! get some exercise! get your master's degree!

Why is it always: (SHOUT) ORDER another pizza! blow your tax return on blackjack and hookers! call in sick and play world of warcraft all day! steal a car and go on a five-state killing spree!

Oops... uh, did I say that out loud?

An older lady is feeling very lonely, so she decides that she is going to go out and pick up some guys! She takes off her all clothes and puts on a trench coat.  She walks down the street and enters a bar and sees 3 guys drinking.  She sets her sights on the youngest one and approaches him 1st, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!"  He screams, "Oh, my God, that's disgusting!"  Undeterred, she walks up to the 2nd guy, opens her trench coat, and says, "Super sex!"  He looks at her and smiles, and turns back to his drink.  She then goes to the 3rd, and oldest guy, opens her trench coat once more, and says, "Super sex!"  He carefully looks her up and down, then pauses for a moment and says… "I'll have the soup."

So a girlfriend makes her boyfriend watch this 'chick flick' on Lifetime Movie Channel, and he's not happy about being forced to watch it, and he's constantly complaining.  The movie is about expressing and recognizing your feelings, so he looks over at his girlfriend, and says,

'I just don't understand how something can make you feel both happy and sad at the same time.'

She says,
'Oh really?  Well, how about this, honey, out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.'

The blonde sister says, "You slut, how many is a brazilian?

For a man's 80th birthday his wife hires an escort for him.
When she arrives at the door the man looks confused seeing the beautiful woman.
She tells the man , your wife hired me to give you super sex for your birthday.
The man pauses a moment and says , "i'll have the soup"

thanks for the smile...I needed one today !