Seems like very board had some sort of review thread every week, usually about inflated scores or worse the fake reviews some unscrupulous folks submit in an effort to defraud the clueless hobbyist or boost a lady's average. Then ya have the only review that I feel is a laughing matter and which if I took the time to read my own submissions again I'd probally find myself guilty as the fellas I'm gonna crack on here. Not naming anyone or do I have anyone either provider or hobbyist in mind as I write this, just have the urge to try and get a chuckle out of my unseen audience, so for the sake of fun let's take a satirical look at the typical "I'm a porn star" hobbyist review. Y'all know the kinds of reviews I'm talking about the ones that make the average American suburbanite sound like a Roman Love God worthy of having a constellation named for him. " look kids!!! To the left of the Big Dipper!! It's Schlongula the Roman God of the horizontal tango." I've heard a few ladies comments on how us fellas write to make us seem John Holmes' and Peter North's man gravy was mixed in a lab before being inserted into 80's porn starlet Amber Lynn ( gotta give her props, first time I ever rubbed one out was one of her movies) to create a new breed of man a Robocop of the Kama Sutra.  So here are 2 sides of a review of a fictional lady "Molly McBigguns".

His take:

I had been eyeing Molly's ads for a while and was excited to see she was going to be in my area so I sent her an introductory email, I could tell she was enjoying our back and forth emails that followed as we communicated for several days. I knew she was going to be into me. The evening before our date she sent me her number to text the following day, we started texting the morning of our date all day finally ending with the text with the room number. The door opens and she greets me with a look that says "this is better than I expected" a dfk that lingered long enough to let me know she was into me.  
We chat for a bit and it's clear she is not going to rush this at all. We start to kiss and our clothes come off, she works her way down to my massive rock hard erection and pauses a second to appreciate the glorious sight of my swollen member. Finally she starts to work the head of my meat missle with her tongue and massaging my perfectly proportioned boys with her fingertips. She never actually deep throated me I guess she couldn't take it all it's not everyday a lady sees a trouser snake like this in person. I defied her mouth must be sore from the stretching I've gave it and lay her down and gently suckle her melons. I slowly work down to her snatch and slowly probe her musky sweetness with my tongue. While I'm doing this she cums at least 5 times as is evidenced by her cute girlish shrieks of pleasure. After giving her a minute to regain her composure after the through tongue lashing I gave her she applies the cover luckily I had brought my Magnums for the event. We start in CG and she takes a moment to work my love stick in her love pit. After getting used to my girth she slowly works her body in a circular motion that obviously pleased her as she had yet another O. She would stop every once in a while and slide off and look at my cock like she couldn't believe she was capable of taking such a magnificent tool.  Decided to go to mish where I pounded her like no tommorrow our bodies working in perfect harmony, while we watched in the mirror by the bed,  untill she screamed out in ecstasy letting me know I had fulfilled her to the point of no return as I emptied what seemed like a gallon into the Magnum cover. She got a washcloth and cleaned me up and we talked for a while really getting to know eachother and the mutual connection that only comes from the chemistry of two accomplished lovers who are totally fulfilled. She never watched the clock even though after as long as I stayed in the saddle and the time we spent talking we went way over. I would repeat and I only give her the 8 performance because she couldn't deep throat my massive meat whistle.  

Damn this guy is a stud!! Let's hear Molly's take on the turn of events,

"John" sent me a message inquiring about my upcoming visit to his city. I nearly deleted his message the subject line read "can you take it" OMG what a douche but car payment was due so I figured what the hell? It took several emails to finally get what I needed from him for screening. Then I made the mistake of giving him my phone number too far ahead of time so he literally blew my phone up all fucking day!!! Every 10 mins it was like "hey what ya doing" Jeez felt like middle school talking to this guy. He arrived 20 minutes early and I saw him making circles around the hotel, figured I'd let him in so he didn't attract more attention. Door opens and I stared dumbfounded he looked like that guy in the movie "Office Space", the annoying boss guy except he was wearing a leisure suit like Cousin Eddie in "Christmas Vacation". I just kept telling myself "damn I love my car" he leans in for a kiss and damn near swallows my head and I try and pull back I think the fucker bit my lip. He only booked an hour so I let him talk about his stamp collection and his expensive watch for a while hoping the actual physical part wouldn't last long, or maybe he would talk the whole time. Nope he ripped my dress off, had to get it repaired that dress cost more than twice what he paid me!! He lays on his back grinning at me like I'm supposed to be in awe of his crooked half flaccid penis. I start on the head (did I mention it was below average size I'm talking a 2 millimeter peter here) and I'm very gifted at oral but this odor like rancid cottage cheese was coming from his balls I just couldn't bring myself to go down there. Thankfully he finnaly wanted to go down on me, I thought " this won't be so bad, even the most ungifted partner can halfway do this right" WRONG!!!  mother fucker dove in like he was trying to win the pie eating contest at the state fair. I swear I think he bruised my damn labia!! Then he tried to stick a dry finger up my ass which made me scream. I just closed my eyes and went to my happy place like in "Happy Gilmore" only the midget was driving my BMW instead of riding a tricycle, don't know why but that always makes me laugh and gets me through a rough day at work. Then he whips out this wrinkled ass Magnum condom wrapper was sealed so figure hell let him keep his fantasy. He made a big production of "fitting" it over his semi erect penis. It was hanging off the end of him so much I kept stopping to make sure it hadn't came off. I rode him and had to keep moving side to side to create some sense of friction in the hopes he would finish, I'm often told how snug my vagina fits even an average cock but this was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. After about 2 minutes he wanted to go mish. He would watch in the mirror and I did as well but all that came to mind was that creepy ass scene in "American Psycho" where Christian Bale hired those two poor girls. Thank God I don't have Huey Lewis on my playlist or I would have ran naked through the lobby to escape that image!! He started making sounds like the principal in "Forrest Gump" he let out one final squeal and I knew he had finished. I did the usal professional courtesy of cleaning him up and disposing of the evidence which was surprisingly little in volume for the noise he made. Then he just hung out and showed me pictures of his toy poodle on his phone. Finnaly he left a hour after he should have so I could spend an hour in the shower and light some candles to get rid of the smell of cheap cold cuts his sweat left in the room

Had to trim a bit to adhere to TER limits, figure I may have pissed someone off along the way, hope not that wasn't the intent just a fun over exaggerated look at how both sides look at the same encounter in and out of the hobby. And I'm sure most if not all of my experiences have involved some Academy Award winning performances from some very talented ladies!!!

Hey dude that is MY review!  And she didnt say half those things you said she said.  Well a 1/3 of them.........  well ok but it is closer to 3 millimeters. i just checked.

You have been reading to many reviews and making friends with to many providers.  What makes it so funny is every once in a while that is true.

I don't care who you are that's funny

Really makes you wonder if its ever went the other way.  Provider was like "wow that was pretty good"  and the guy leaves going "what a dead fish, not repeating that train wreck"  I know right now anyone who read that is going "YEA RIGHT!"  but Im sure it happens probably more often than you think.

if the ladies wrote reviews on us.  I often discuss with my dates that outside of knowing that their date is not LEO, or some kind of wierdo, they really don't know who is going to show up.  Could be some 800 pound gorilla like myself.  I feel lucky that I have found some really nice friends in this hobby, who put up with me.  Especially one gorgeous young woman

Hope everyone has a great weekend !

Sparky

Ah, she looked so pretty in her photos and her reviews were most acceptable.  I could not wait for the wonderful moments and chased my double dose of Viagara with a couple of beers, a whisky, and watching a few porno flicks on the Internet.

A gentle knock came at the hotel door, I opened it and there stood the maid service.  As I prepared to ask her to return later, she replied: "Hi, I'm Josephine.  It is so nice to meet you." and then she grabbed my face and planted a big sloppy kiss on my lips.

I almost gagged.

She came in and we sat down to talk.  As I tried to regain my composure she reached down to my once throbbing manhood, rubbed it gently, and asked if I was glad to see her.

Next she removed her blouse exposing her massive breasts, carefully tucked in a humongous bra.  The old woody started stiffing up again.  The she removed her bra and her breasts fell below her waist.  Woody shriveled to little or nothing.

Feeling embarrassed, I tried to will an erection with little success.  Yes, her lips moved to do the same and I noticed her wig was about to fall off.

With my drawers falling off I excused myself to pour her some wine and me a "stiff" one, but I tripped on the drawers dangling around my ankles and hit my head on the bar.  Yeah, here is a "two bagger," one for her head and one for mine.  Meanwhile, she was thinking . . . "I've got me a gay boy trying to go straight."

Well, to make a long story short, we were equally repulsive to each other and mutually agreed to throw up the truce flag and depart  

Anyone ever wanted to write that kind of review?

-- Modified on 9/19/2014 12:41:33 PM

I tell you what I ABSOLUTELY love reactions when providers see me for the first time, for completely other reasons.    Its the shock factor, then the sympathy game, then the shock factor again (at least sometimes) after the session.  It never gets old and I play the card to my humor every single chance I get.  hehe.  It also always makes the ladies genuinely laugh.  At least it seems genuine.

I can now "cut and paste" for my next review!

This will makes my life easier.

Funny as hell!

Bossman

That yours is better than mine.  Cause your purty but looks better and dayum you look great in leather chap

I am absolutly positive when they get that less than totally happy review and they thought is was a great date they are thinking just that.

I used agencies back when the interwebs was so new they still had spiders crawling all over em. The last time I did was when I finally decided it was enough. Called and they sent this young lady to my house. She was cute with really long hair that was braided in about 100 little braids with beads and stuff in it. She walked in and asked for the donation. I put it on the coffee table and she picked it up and counted it. Then looked me in the eye and said. This is just not going to be enough. I said what the hell do you mean? That's the price the agency gave me. She said she wouldn't do anything for that amount. I asked her if she had maybe told the people at the agency about her difference in pricing and she didn't answer. Just told me it would be another 100. I said well that won't work. She said well then I'll just be leaving. I said not with that money you won't. I took my money back from her purse and let her out. Wished her a wonderful evening and luck finding suckers that would put up with that shit.

Called the agency and told them what happened. They were like..un huh..ok ..I never called another one and have no intentions of doing so.

well done! I love a good story, or movie or real life when you get two different perspectives on the same thing. At least I like it when they are well done, and you got it. And this type of satire can teach a thing or two…

Thanks for posting!
Jim