this may have been beaten to death already but I"m curious as to what people think of a guy being in a "new" marriage - less than a year old - and hobbying?  It seems to me that the same thoughts apply - that it is cheating but in a "better" way than picking up a woman at a bar. It also seems to me that it is
"more" wrong - I mean, why get married if you can't keep your dick in your pants even for a little while.

Full disclosure - was at a bachelor party and things got out of hand...I'm so hung over I can't sleep...

I am not sure how one can define morality or separate mental love for someone from the act of physical love making.  I know some people who successfully keep those aspects of relationships separate.  They seem to have a great chemistry in all aspects except in the love making area where they have totally different ideas on the act itself.  So even while they were dating and getting married they were looking for women who were willing to fill the sexual gap without commitments.  Even though this goes against the grain of the Judeo-Chritian morality, they felt they were loyal and loving mates to their spouses and good fathers to their children.  So they did not carry any guilt feelings about their extra curricular activities.  Another way to look at this is everyone is not expert at everything.  For example, even though I understand a lot about electricity and circuitry, if I need to have electrical work done, I always hire a certified electrician. Many people will disagree with me on this statement, but the physical sex act falls in this same category.

my view on this may be a bit different than most

I was raised in a POLYGAMOUS household and I don't personally believe MONOGAMY comes natural to men.

People get married for all kinds of reasons, not just to have sex with one person for the rest of their life.

The bigger problem in a case like this is the question of HONESTY, I believe HONESTY can resolve alot of issues, and DISHONESTY can create alot of issues.

Mind you, I'm an IDEALIST, but before getting married the guy should have spoken with the person he was marrying and let them know that he requires "variety" or whatever reason it is that he decides to "hobby"

I have to agree with Vickie, however, I personally don't think Monogamy comes natural to anyone, men or women.  Women are taught monogamy from the day they are born they are told to look for the man of their dreams, while teenage boys are praised for their conquests. Women are told "save yourself for marriage" men are told "get as many as you can while you still have time"
Most women cannot handle not being the "Only Woman" we are raised that if a man needs to look elsewhere then WE are obviously doing something wrong.
I prefer a man who sleeps with other women, especially since what's good for the goose is most definately good for this gander!   I have no problems being in a relationship where both parties have "outside" interests, too bad more women cannot be the same way.

Ok, I am done rambling......Of course this is all just my opinion and not meant to offend anyone.

Ashley

i do believe that I can be monogamous in a MARRIAGE, but I would not expect that of my HUSBAND, I think that is just setting us BOTH up for failure and dissapointment.

i would require HONESTY from him, not to say I'd want him to come home and tell me all about his conquest, cause I'm not THAT open hearing all that, but I just would not want him to lie to me about it or anything else for that manner.

as long as he treats me respectfully, is attentive, appreicative, grateful, is not abusive, and we love each other etc.. etc.. the MONOGAMY thing is not important.

This is certainly one of the most interesting posts I've seen here in a while.  I think the comments about honesty are certainly important.  However, let's face it, not everyone can handle the truth.  So, you might have a marriage partner who was compatible in many important ways but not in terms of monogamy, which could be a big problem.  I definitely feel I could be monogamous if my partner wanted that and if the sexual part of the relationship was very good.  I find that my sexual experiences are much, much more rewarding when I have developed a rapport with my partner and care for her.  For me that far outweighs the novelty of a new partner because usually the fantasy is much better than the reality in that type of experience.  I'm actually someone who had a long term marriage that broke up because of sexual incompatibility/personality conflicts (they often overlap), and my attempts to balance things out as a hobbyist, in secret, eventually destroyed the relationship.

I totally agree with hothotdog, vickinboston, and bigblondie! My opinion on the subject is also this It doesn't matter if you've been married a day, a week, a month, a year, ten years, or 100 years....it's better to see a provider than to have an affair and ruin your marriage. I'm not a fan of Charlie Sheen, but he once said, "I don't pay women to have sex with them...I pay them to say good-bye." Boys will be boys

Love and kisses,
Marcella

-- Modified on 6/20/2004 1:35:52 PM

I don't see the difference between picking up a "bar fly" or a whore. Cheating is cheating . IMO if you have a good woman who takes care of your needs,and you're having sex with someone else, you are scum. Men can be manogomous if they have a good woman at home. It's BS to think we're not meant to be with one woman. Those that think this way have never been with good woman. A real woman knows how to take care of her man so he doesn't go astray. This may be a lot of work to some, but to the true sexy women it's a breeze

-- Modified on 6/20/2004 4:13:21 PM

I'm sure that most women who have been "cheated" on would agree with you. However I think you would also be surprised at how many very good women have been cheated on by their men. It would be nice to think that love is enough but it often isn't. Honesty would be the next best thing but is also generaly in short supply among people who are stepping out on their SO's.

I agree with all the lovely ladies, and gents out here...btw, Happy Fathers Day!

Kisses and licks to all the Daddys on board here

Mel

-- Modified on 6/20/2004 6:48:20 PM

absolutely true Bostonguy
women do believe that there is something they can do to stop a man from needing variety sexually or that it was their fault if the man cheated on them, but I've learned there just isn't
we are tought to believe a man is a dog if he wants to be with more than one women when in fact he is just doing what comes naturally, if women would adjust there way of thinking to be more in line with NATURE I think alot of people would be happier and have longer marriages.

I think if they did a survey of married men in this hobby you would find that most are doing it out need not some primal urge for variety.The difference between humans and animals is we have the power to reason and make choices. One of those being self control.

Providers wouldn't have half the buisness they do now if a guy had a sexy woman at home waiting to care for him at least once a week. You would have to be insane to want to spend hundreds of dollars a month on someone who doesn't give a damn whether you fall down the elevator shaft on the way out! It took me 2 yrs of agonizing before I stepped out on my wife. I would never have even thought about it before. When I would come home from work, sometimes she would greet me not in sweats, messy hair and no makeup ,but a sexy dress , heels and nylons.... If it were not for a medical problem things would still be same.

Well lets put aside newlywed, because i think that regardless of how long you have been married it is still cheating right..

Even I will admit this, as I am married 3 years now and for the last ear and 1/2  I have lost a lot of intrest sexually in my wife for some reason. I love her and my child to death and every other aspect of the relationship is perfect (except maybe the inlaw thig too) but I think about other girls 24-7.

she is very willing and in fact good in bed, so I cant say she doesnt take care of me like others described. Mabe because I am still young (28) she thinks its because she gained weight but really she gained a little but she is still far from chubby and still is very beatiful (she has guys hit on her all the time, even our friends) maybe I cant help but see my mother in law in her (who she spends way to much time with)

I will occasionally see providers and I guess in a way I DO feel its better than an affair. i BELIEVE IN equal rights for women and all that stuff but sometimes I cant help feel that maybe its just a man thing, we like freshness and variety and nothing can take that urge away, Im young and still good looking and like to have sex .. just not with my wife

I know its sounds really horrible but this board is fo truth and if any men or the ladies can relate or just want to say how much of a creep i am , Ill take any of it because i am realy confused and all of it would help

for some reason people always have thisidea of what my clients look like or are like
they think they are all desperate losers who can't get a woman

MOST, meaning the MAJORITY, of my clients are married and tell me they are still IN LOVE with their wives

some tell me they cheat cause their wife won't let them do a certain act

some come to me because their wife is very thin and they want to be with a voluptuous woman

but most just need variety

also ALOT of my clients are gorgeous college kids and they are always saying "aren't you glad I'm not some ugly loser" and I'm like "listen kid, most of my clients are not ugly losers, they are usually really attractive, conservative older men, and that is hott"

Anyway, this is just a case of us having different perspectives,

We are taught in this country to be happy 100% all of the time and if you aren't happy you have to work towards being happy. As a result we cover up our emotions  overconsuming with food, pornography, drugs, and alcohol. That is why some Americans have issues with overconsumption and addiction.

Sully, sex is complex and desire in a relationship can not be considered separate from the rest of the relationship.  From the little you said I suspect that it might be more a fear of intimacy and commitment.  Let's face it, too, that one loses a lot of the fantasy associated with a lover when you see her all the time in the mundane of everyday life.  You are just starting out in your family life and there are a lot of positives from what you said. If I were you I would consider finding a good therapist to get help in sorting out why you are risking losing your family before it's too late.

Hunk's advice is good. You have to work at keeping the passion alive,too. Try doing it in different places. We have a very private yard and have had many a steamy occassion there Also be honest and communicate with her. She might be willing to try a little swinging. Rememeber this, as she enters her thirties she will be beginning her sexual prime. As an attactive woman who "guys are hitting on" she might just look elsewhere if you aren't taking care of her needs. After all turnabout is fair play.

and childless but argue and seem never come to an understanding. But the sex gets better and better as time goes by. This relationship has existed for 6 years and both are in their 20s.Most relationships from what I understand become less sexually exciting but in this relationship it is vice versa. What does this say about the relationship?Isn't sex important in a relationship and shouldn't that and wouldn't that dictate the intensity of a commitment for a man assuming the woman in this couple adores the man

thanks to hunk and romancist for your truely genuine advice and I have thought deeply about what you both wrote.

Just curious are either of you married? Do you and yours swing?

if so how did you pass that off?