If a provider were to review you, what do you think they would say about you? Also, what type of rating do you think you will get?

To quote the late, great Douglas Adams I think my review would be short and sweet.  It would read...

"Mostly harmless."

Since ou mentioned the late great Douglas Adams:
I did once have a break-up date where my suddenly ex-GF said "So long and thanks for all the fish." We almost always ate at various sushi bars (she was more of a fan than I was). I laughed aloud as she calmily walked out on me. She'd later admit that she had not yet then read the book and thought of me as an Asshole.

OP's question: How would a provider rate me?  

That means that I would have enough insight into the mind of a woman to speculate as to what she was actually thinking.  

My life experiences are that such speculation always ends poorly. I'll go with "5/6

Love the mostly harmless.  

Mine might be close to the same but you could probably add "cute" due to my age and demeanor.  

As far as performance? I shudder to think.

It will be interesting to see the replies here. I'm not sure us clients would be nearly as brave as the providers to allow ourselves to be openly critiqued like they are. I know that is part of the gig, but it can be rough I'm sure.

I'd probably be somewhere in a 4/4 situation.

LOL.  Well, great minds think alike.
My second favorite choice would've come from another great mind...
"(He) is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma."
But that one was way too serious for me...
 

The score would probably relate more to the attitude of the provider and
her approach to her job.  That is most things being equal the hobbyists would
probably score well with most providers that look upon clients as patrons rather
then customers or johns.

I could be wrong though.

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ord) back in the day. I also survived the 80's. Lots of fun. The kind of guy you marry but do not fantasize about. Business cute is what one told me. Funny is what I hear from allot of the ladies and easy to deal with. Very clean and groomed. I have never had a bad experience in the hobby. Knock on wood. That's why I love TER. I do allot of recon before I see a lady.

Given that I only do BBBJCIM with the ladies and no DATY (you sick bastards) the performance would be lacking. But as Eve Cantrelle told me. "it is your time, do what you want with it." And I want my cock sucked.  

6/3

Ok so here's how I think a lady might review me.

Appearance: 4- Ok If You're Drunk
Performance: 3 - Barely Worth the Effort
Attitude: "thought" he was horny
Atmosphere: Perfect (my incall)

General: Last week I was in the mood for a much more sleazy kind of client than my usual Millionaire/Billionaire... so I decided I'd return one of Harry's daily emails. I've received about one PM a day asking for an appointment for the past 6 weeks so I knew this guy had to be ready. I checked out his p411. He didn't have an references there but I knew of him from TER so I thought What Could Go Wrong? I soon learned the real reason he had not posted a pic of himself online. Non VIPS: bring your beer goggles, wear your tequila contacts and put on your best stage performance. VIPs read on....

Juicy Details: Emails exchanged and gave him my incall address. On the day of his appointment, Harry called about traffic and was about 10 mins late. No big deal to me. Soon I buzzed him up and left the door slightly ajar as I waited anxiously behind it in my favorite LBD. I remember reading some of his Board posts, so I was imagining a distinguished middle aged man of medium height and build with thick cock and a thicker wallet to arrive. What came through my door was Not what I had in mind. He had the presence of a bear cub, He was short for a man, even a woman for that matter.  He had an extremely hairy face, with a long nose and stubby ears. His back and chest hair stood higher than the pooped up collar his faded blue IZOD. Even his knees had hair! I know because they showed through the rips in his acid washed Levis, and that was only held up by a pair of suspenders. He walked in, laid a big bank envelope and a brown bag on my kitchen counter and asked if he could freshen up. I said sure. The envelope had the right fare in it and I thanked God when I saw the bottle of wine he had brought in the bag. As he came out of the bathroom wearing a towel, I realized how desperately I needed a drink if I was gonna perform with this guy. Definitely a bear. I started to make a joke about him taking his sweater off and making himself comfortable, but thought better of it. We opened and enjoyed the bottle, well I did since he had a glass and I finished the rest. Buzz Achievement Unlocked! Time for Mama to go to work.
His breath was ok, his kissing skills were pretty good then we went down on each other. His tongue felt good on my labia and my clit and he took the implied No to anything anal. I, OTOH, had to find his pencil dick in a sea of thick aromatic, ok stinky, pubic hair. Needle. Hay Stack. No Metal Detector. Eventually I found the right one because he made those moans and groans I enjoy hearing as I worked it. He said he didn't want to finish this way so I grabbed a trusty female condom and quickly inserted it. I knew this guy was not gonna be able to use any other kind of rubber. We started Doggie but I wasn't feeling any chemistry (or anything else) but I put on a good show for him. Suddenly, he wants Mish where he claimed he finished, but I couldn't tell. He said he was close, but as I looked at the clock it had been what? 2 mins of intercourse? I've had longer voice mail messages than that. Then we talked for a bit, but he was basically boring me to the point that I asked if he was Up for Round 2. Of course he was! Round 2 went pretty much like round 1 except he "couldn't finish" after he thrusting his hips like Mick Jagger for a whole 4 mins! Ladies, YMMV. Harry is a nice enough guy overall but unless you're hard up for cash... look elsewhere. I will likely not repeat.    

 

What you have just read is a piece of Fan Fiction. I'm really quite a Stud in every conceivable way any one could imagine.
Harry

A hobbyist is only eligible to earn up to a 6, unless he is willing to deliver one or some of the following during a session:  Good Hygiene,  Satisfies the Lady,  Books More Than Enough Time,  Brings a Gift,  and Leaves a Tip.  For each of these enjoyments that are offered, his potential max score is raised by one point, with 10 as an absolute maximum.

RATING  -  PERFORMANCE  
10   Best Session I've Had All Year
9     Reminded Me Why I Love My Job!
8     Satisfied Me
7     Fun Time
6     Nice
5     Neutral
4     Somewhat Annoying
3     Unpleasant
2     Intolerable
1     Dangerous or Violent

-- Modified on 6/2/2015 7:24:24 PM

I could change my score from before according to this one.  I like this rubric!

Simply "tolerable".

Wow, I thought for a second you lost a unicorn!  A woman that has read and appreciates Douglas Adams is probably more rare than a unicorn.  Right after you laughed out loud, you must have felt the pain of losing such a rare, perceptive, intelligent, woman that could laugh at herself and muse on the quirks of mankind and its place in the universe with humor.

You must have felt such elation to discover she was none of those things!

My scores would be: "As pretty as an airport/42"

One review I would show up exactly on time, with an expensive gift; the next I would be late, with no gift; the next would be NCNS!

I would eat out one girl for the whole session and not even fuck and slurp up all her squirt, then the next girl I would go straight to the ass with no lube!

I would fuck one for 60 min with no breaks and the next I would be a flaccid tool that needed constant oral fluffing!

I would DFK one girl and refuse to kiss the next!

One day I would be as fresh as a daisy and the next I would smell like a soldier after a week in the bush!

AHHHH, what fun I would have FUCKING with their minds!  I would create such anxiety and confusion, and frustration.

AHHHHH, YOUR (just YOUR) milage may vary!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

 
I would even consider putting into my P411 profile that I am a PSE, and then I would do straight missionary, no kissing and no oral!  BWAHAHAHHAHAHHH!

I would also describe myself as exotic!  Because it's just possible YOU (and only YOU) have never been with a fat middle aged white guy with brown hair and brown eyes! BWAHAHAHAHA!

I know what my scores would be

Managed to skewer the TER scoring system at the same time.

That response is priceless

Well, now that I know I can buy points (gifts, tips, etc.) I'm suddenly feeling much better about myself.  

Hey Zoey - I give a mean massage, that should be worth a point, right?

Because "Satisfies the lady" - whew, that's an awful lot of time and effort to spend for only one point.  LOL

Thanks for sharing the super secret "Girls guide to reviewing clients".  I've never seen this before, great info.  I hope you don't get into trouble for divulging such classified information.

Guys - awesome news!  I don't see any requirement here about being good looking or having really big dicks!  Unless it's in the fine print somewhere...  Now I'm just being paranoid.  *nervous laugh*
 

Ginger, you're the sweetest.  I will agree with you that us guys have NO CLUE.  

In all seriousness, it's good to know that us gents are valued as clients whatever our score.  And generally thought well of by our provider friends.  Respect certainly is a two way street.

And thinking about all this scoring and review stuff I'm really glad our roles aren't reversed.  Because you ladies work too hard...

Looking pretty, scheduling hassles, dealing with picky clients, sexual gymnastics, watching the clock without actually watching the clock, laughing at all our jokes, enjoying our lame conversations, making awkward moments disappear...  I have an all new appreciation for the ladies now.

And here I was thinking being a provider was only about looking hot and liking to boink.  A lot.  LOL.
 

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Good riddance, that one. Though she did end up marrying an acquaintance that became a decent friend. He broke her into Nerddom.

I almost have a 20 questions type interview process for civie SOs that includes such things as "42", "Kobayashi Maru", define TARDIS, why is BATMAN not the baddest bada$$ in DC, could an elevator lift Mjornir, as well as any familiarity with the works of people like Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, and Dennis O'Neill.

I have found a few Unicorns, but fewer still have the ability to jet full rainbows out of their respective arses. Thus, the Great Hunt continues...

ga_kosh

-- Modified on 6/3/2015 1:54:42 AM

END OF MESSAGE

LOL of course you can BUY performance points as a client... but remember, they needn't be expensive.  Even a handpicked bouquet of flowers can count as a gift.  

"Satisfies the Lady" is totally objective.  It might take an awful lot of time and effort, or it might be relatively effortless.  It's not just a euphemism for "make her orgasm", by the way, although it certainly could be.  Giving a massage could be deeply satisfying to a lady, particularly if that's just what she needed that day.  Since the lady is reviewing, it will be up to her whether she was "Satisfied" and you qualify for that point.  You might think about asking her what she enjoys or what satisfies her if you're curious.  If it seems like too much work to you, well, you have other ways you can earn points.  

Being "good looking", of course, is covered by the appearance score and not the performance score.  As we both know, sometimes appearances do affect performance scores because of general factors surrounding chemistry, but a gentleman's appearance would not DIRECTLY affect his performance score.  I think us ladies care a lot LESS about appearances than you guys think.  That's not to say it doesn't matter at all, but it's generally lower on our priority list than whether you're good at washing your ass, for example.  Any idea how many venting threads I've read about guys not being able to wash their ass properly vs. guys being too ugly?  Literally hundreds of the former and I can't think of any regarding the latter.  It just doesn't matter much.

(Insecure guys-  Stop worrying about your looks and spend more time focusing on making sure you're excellent at washing your ass.  The ladies will love you.)

Having a really big dick will not earn you any performance points in and of itself.  It may aid your appearance score or aid you in Satisfying the Lady, but not all women enjoy big dicks, so this would be purely subjective on her part how your dick size impacts your appearance and performance.

Ah yes.... the "Super Secret Girls Guide to Reviewing Clients"... that's a fun fantasy!  But I wrote it over hummus and pita while I was waiting for one of my girlfriends to get off work.  

Zoey you're the coolest - thanks again for the "inside scoop".

Like most humor - there are nuggets of truth in there to reflect on.  Speaking of nuggets...  Proper ass washing is something I'm pretty sure everyone can benefit from.  In and out of the hobby.  This guy in the next cubicle over - man, the smells that waft over sometimes.  It's enough to ignite your nosehairs.  But I digress...

I'm all for Satisfying my Lady but if she asks me to do her dishes then I'm outta there.
A man has to have some dignity, right?  LOL

Appearance: 1 - I was terrified!
Performance: 1 - Fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed.

Gory details: He walked into my incall location out of breath and flatulent, and his breath would have stopped a locomotive. His first words were, "I need to poop and pee!" When he came out of the bathroom, he had his clothes wadded up in his arms and asked me, "Now what am I here for?" He plopped down on the bed on his back and immediately began rattle the walls with his snoring. I tried to massage his stomach, but the fat moved around so much, it was like washing a car. After I coaxed a tiny orgasm out of his shriveled member, I washed him up and helped him put his clothes on. He belched, then asked me  to call him a cab, and to remind the cabbie that he had to be at the Home by 8:15. After steering him out, I immediately took a vow of poverty, and now live in a convent.

Zoey, I'm sure all of the clients would appreciate a step by step post outlying a proper cleaning routine before seeing a provider. You'd be great for that! Complete with very detailed pictures of course. Or video, video works too..    

-- Modified on 6/3/2015 12:22:01 PM

...some guy washing his ass...wait...oh...you meant Zoey make the video washing her ass and demonstrating how it should be done. Yep, I'm all for that.

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Hmm... you two just might get your wish!  That idea fits in very well with a project I've been working on.  Thanks!