Partly for the pure entertainment value of the whole thing and partly because I'm bored, I've spent some time recently browsing some online personal ads.  

 
Particularly, I would say that in a crowd of people, the mere suggestion of meeting somebody over the internet would draw at least as much interest as it would draw nervous laughter. Like porn, nobody admits to it, but somehow the industry keeps raking in money hand over fist.  

 

While I find it comforting that people are embracing this new medium to the level it was originally intended (sex), I worry that we are also becoming slaves to the bulletted list. In the span of 250 characters or less we try to describe our personalities in keywords and questionnaire responses in hopes that it will draw even the slightest attention from potential future mates.  

 

The first thing I notice is that everyone, every single person is either bizarre or normal. In reality, there's no such thing as a bizarre person or a normal person - everyone is bizarre. The most bizarre people are the ones who think they are normal. The most normal are those who think they are bizarre.  

 

Let me provide a couple of examples (based on very real profiles) to illustrate my point:  

 

"I am the typical girl next door, love to dance and swim. During the summer, I am a lifeguard. I want to work with animals, which is why I am studying to be a marine biologist."  

 

First of all, the typical girl next door is overweight and pregnant by the time she's 20. If you're a dancing, swimming, lifeguarding marine biologist, you are anything but "typical".  
I'm not sure if you are oblivious to this or if you're just trying to blend in, but either way, you have some serious self confidence issues. What are you going to do after marine biology? Are you going to just do the regular thing and become a neurosurgeon like everyone else?  

 

Next  

 
Keywords: country music, crazy, dancing, drinking, fun, music, partying, softball  

 
"Hey Guys!! My name is Jenny. I love to party and have a good time. I'm one of those "crazy" girls. So if you like to party, you'll have fun with me....I'm 5'6 with blue eyes...so just click yes, and drop me a note"  

 
Ok Jenny (name changed to protect the lame)... there is nothing crazy about you. You sound like the dullest person on the face of the earth. "Look at me, I'm crazy, I'm drinking and listening to country music!" Good christ in heaven, somebody put this girl out of her misery. What about you is even remotely interesting?  

 
You like to "party"? You like to have "fun"? I thought the whole concept of "fun" was that, by definition, it is stuff that people like to do? What kind of person doesn't like to have fun? "My name is Bart and I enjoy being miserable." Why not just say that you like being happy? I think nuclear war is bad! Go watch cartoons, dimwit.  

 

Anyway, while I was going through some online profiles looking for good examples, I put together a small list of phrases that people use in their profiles along with their translations to the real world. Enjoy.  

 

"I am from DC" - I own a gun  

 

"I am from the southeast DC" - I own several guns  

 

"I go to school in wheaton" - I've been couped up in an ultra right wing christian suburb for too long and I'm ready to rip the clothes off the first man I see who isn't wearing a puffy knit sweater  

 

"I am into tattoos and piercings" - Look at me! Over here! Somebody! Pay attention to me! I'm cool! Look! Look!  

 

"I like to meet new people" - I live with my parents  

 

"I prefer honesty" - I don't put out, so my last boyfriend cheated on me. I'm looking for some poor sap whose most redeeming quality is "honesty" so that I can yell at him like a little boy.  

 

"I like people" - please  

 

"I am fun" - no, you're not  

 
"I know how to have a good time" - I have no self esteem and have had a lot of one night stands  

 

"I love going out" - I am 13 years old  

 

"I am up for anything" - as long as it involves virginity and Catholic church  

 
"I love to party" - I dropped out of high school  

 
"I can't describe myself in so few words" - I have so little to say about myself that I wasted half the space talking about how there wasn't enough space, and I *still* didn't hit the 250 character limit  

 

"I'm just looking for some new friends" - I am a slut, but my parents might read this  

 
"I like to have fun and hang out with friends" - I am extremely boring and unmotivated. I wear a nametag to work. Please somebody talk to me. Somebody. Anybody

 
"I would love to meet you" - I'm a paid escort  

 
"I am shy until you get to know me" - at which point I turn into an overbearing psycho bitch  

 
Where is the reality of it all? Who are you people trying to impress? Do you really think that anyone cares that you drive a mustang or that you like shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch? If someone does care about those things, is that really the kind of person that interests you?  

 

Let me close, not with my own personal ad, but with the ad of a woman I've never met. I just hope she exists somewhere in this "crazy" world:  

 
I'm a 5'8" blonde blue-eyed 24 year old girl of Eastern European descent. I am currently learning how to speak Japanese, how to fly a plane, and how to bake ginger snap cookies. Right now, I'm working as a lawyer for a small startup, but this corporate culture just isn't for me. I don't mind travelling alone, but I'd prefer to spend the time with somebody close to me who shares my interest in joining the mile high club. A live band beats a CD any day of the week, Hugh Grant is a pu*sy, the designated hitter is the greatest travesty ever bestowed upon the American public, and the only thing better than an expensive steak dinner and fine French wine is a cheap case of beer, a pack of cigarettes, and an old detective movie.  

Peace and good night