I have heard a few girls say than dating while being a provider is more that difficult. First there is the issue of "do you tell him what you do" and the "will you date a client" issue as well. I, myself, have found dating hard before and after becoming a provider. Some guys are jerks, and some are wonderful. But often girls wonder could telling your wonderful guy you are a provider ruin a good thing.

Any comments? Gentleman, how would you feel if your girlfriend admitted to you that she was a provider? Ladies, do you tell, or keep your secret?


-- Modified on 8/17/2005 9:47:37 AM

Alot of guys would drop you if they found out you are a provider. It would take a special type of guy. There are a lot of trust issues that come into play.

If you truly want to date you should think about giving up the hobby so your views are not distorted about men. They pay because they want instant gratification.

In a dating relationship there is not instant gratification. Both people have to make it work into a long term relationship.

If you really like a guy to date and you think it has long term potential drop out of the hobby. If you devote as much energy into him as you do into this hobby he would marry you in a minute. You are a intelligent, attractive, good personality, and a good performer. These attributes should nail down a man very fast.

You might have to end up dating a guy somewhat older than you are. Many of the younger guys these days don't want to settle down until they are 30/40.

You will get caught if you lie - then its over.  If you tell him up front he will probably dump you.  Even if you date a former client he will probably want you to quit f#$%ing other guys so where does that leave you?

Good luck.

driver9/Oaktree

Depends what you mean by "dating". Most (not all) men simply can't endure the thought of the one they love lying with another man, regardless of the circumstances. What happened in the past is one thing; what's going on now is quite another.

Tell him now - you risk losing him.

Tell him later - you risk losing him AND having him dispise you.

Don't tell him - you risk having him find out some other way, in which case he'll almost certainly leave you and dispise you.

I would think your best bet would be to date someone who, if not your client, at least was a hobbyist at one time or another. He would be the least likely to judge you for your past.

All that said, there are some men out there who are so insecure they'll do/endure anything for a lady's favor -- but I'm not sure that's the sort of chap you'd want long term, is it?

-- Modified on 8/17/2005 10:19:47 AM

I see several ladies who are in "off duty" relationships.  Some work - some don't.  Just like everything else in life.  All you can do is swig the bat and see where the ball goes-- Se Ya in Vegas

Well, I understand you dilema.  I, personally, couldn't lie to someone that I was dating about being a provider.  I simply do not want to deal with the mess that it would cause when he did find out ( and he WILL eventually find out).

The other thing is that dating a "civilian" that doesn't or hasn't hobbied is going to be difficult. How the hell would you even bring it up tactfully ? Most men will not be able to deal with what you do.  Wouldn't that make for an interesting dinner conversation....."So honey, how was your day at work ?"  He proceeds to tell you about some screwed up account or something and you , well....don't really want to get into it because it will cause problems. It's only natural for someone who doesn't participate to be curious.  Hell, I would be.

I usually don't date when I am providing.  I just don't want to deal with personal drama...it would take away from my sessions (it's hard to be in a good mood when you just had a fight with your SO and just thought up of the perfect retort.  Nope, can't call now to finish the argument....you have an apt.  That really wouldn't be fair to whoever had the apt. I haven't met someone who can deal with my line of work althought there are several ladies that have and are truly happy.

I do date when I am on a hiatus.  I don't have to lie about what I do since I usually am doing my legit job.  I know that many ladies can juggle them. I just can't.

I know a few ladies that have chosen to have a "special friend"  that I can hang out with, talk to and get some wild freaky action when they are at home.

As someone who is currently having a 1.5+ year relationship with a provider let me give you my very humble advice.

I've dated five providers while being a hobbist, and am currently engaged to one.  The majority of hobbyist that date providers aren't entirely serious at the begining of their relationship (if ever at all).  Most would like either 1.)extra service that is not on the menu 2.)sex they don't have to pay for 3.)prove to themselves that they can get women even the ones that they pay for.

While I must admit that I started off as one of the above I quickly found numerous fabulous qualities to the woman that I am currently engaged to beyond sex.  I've learned that the ones that you truly care for it really hurts you what they do with other men, and the ones that you don't care you could seriously care less.

If I could give you any advice, if this man is a former customer then I would suggest being open with him, I'm sure he might have his own stint of jelously and will probably check your reviews (if he is a TER member), but you will be better off (and he should have known this before he got into a relationshio with you in the first place).  However, be careful of hobbist/boyfriends that are just in it for the fun (it's OK if you have the same intentions), but don't evolve feelings for him unless you are sure he has the same.

If this man ISN'T a client, I would keep it a secret.  I know that I personally would absolutely hate for a girl to have a secret like this from me, but there is almost no chance it will work out otherwise. No matter how sexually/metally open a man is, there is no way that his ego would allow his woman to be pummeled by numerous men without hurt if he cares about you behind his back.  Sorry, from my experience that's just how it is.

I know a lot of provider friends that have had successful relationships inside and outside the buisness, but just make sure you know what he and yourself really want from the relationship before you make any rash decisions.

I have dated a provider as a matter of fact I have been with her for over three years first you have to be understanding and let what ever happened in the past stay in the past next you have to put yourself in their shoes some are providers out of nessecity not because they what to. Its a means of life they are doing this to make due at times. We choose to seperate that part out of our relationship when were are home or out on the town we don't speck of it.  She knows I still see providers for the want of fantasy I can see providers so I can live out my dreams.  I can explore my sexuality without gaining emotional and physcal bagage from other females. So I have to say it almost better than having a normal girlfriend

I became sexycarolina..One thing I do know..Finding a Gentleman who you feel comfortable with...compatible...isn't easy....
So...I am content with being sexycarolina..Someday when I least expect it...he'll walk into my life..or I might fall into his arms!!!!
xoxoxo
sexycarolina

PS
I think I think I would keep things on the Dl. until I knew there was something worth exploring.

...I really don't want to know about her sexual past unless she has some VD I should know of.  I accept that most women I would date are not virgins, and honestly I feel it's counter-productive to know much more.  

the guys who are reading and responding to this post have a unique perspective on this subject so we may not provide the best answers.  Then again, I'm certain many of us have had reason to ponder this subject more seriously than others who don't know about this game.

If you're dating someone in the game, there's a good bet he knows who you are already, and how you two choose to handle things is up to you.  If you want his love, think retirement.

If the guy is clueless, and you come clean, the relationship is over.  He'll perceive it as cheating, and feel humiliated.  If he really cares about you when you break the news to him, he's going to be fucked up for a long time, and you're still going to break up.  

Personally, I've had enough bad relationships that while I'd be hurt and disappointed, I don't invest myself emotionally like I used to, but I would still move on.  I just don't want it as a constant fixture in my personal life.  

I assume you want to know if any of us have been with someone we would date if that were an option.  I can think of several who have really gotten to me.  But it narrows down to only one or two when I think of realistic possibilities.  And nothing ever came of them because the steps one would have to take in order to have a decent dating relationship are rather drastic and would introduce a lot of stress early on, which is a point when most are likely to jump ship due to stress.  

Do I think the right personalities can pull it off?  If they want it bad enough they can.

I say now that I would prolly be OK with it but like ggreality said, no man's ego can handle that. While I'm at work, I would think about you getting it on with Lex, Jeo or Slip and that would prolly drive me nuts. [Jeo already drives me nuts cause he gets the jump on all the newbies.]

I'm thinking two things right now...Any guy that truly cares for his girlfriend would not be OK with that.

BUT maybe if he is extrememly open minded and gets off on that then maybe it would work.

It would not bother me because when you are dating there has to be more than sex. There are things that you will share with him that you wouldn't share with anyone else. If your relationship is based on just sex than he should just be a client or a f***kbuddy. If he truly cares about you then he should understand. Well that's my two cense .

Guys are not that open minded when it comes to their partner seeing a bunch of other guys.

If a customer relationship turns into a serious dating situation, and the "provider" role ended - then that is a workable situation.

If the guy does not know, then don't tell him unless you are absolutely secure about the relationship. Be prepared to deal with the eventuality that he might find out later, especially if there was a web presence with undeniable identifiable features.

In my experience the ladies in this biz have developed a cynical view of men - that they cannot be faithful, that they can be easily manipulated, that they can be easily seduced by someone else, that they think with their dicks.  This totally (cough) unfair view makes it difficult for them to even want a long term relationship with a man.

I posted originally thinking of friends who have issues with dating, or dating guys who know about their profession. I have managed dating pretty well I think. No worse off than when I was dating and not a provider.
As for being a provider distoring my view on men. I feel it has done the opposite. I have met so many great guys who aren't afraid to say how they feel. And I have guys I can ask for advice (on relationships and sex). Plus, having a few admirers here and there is a boost for a girl's confidence. And everyone knows confidence is attractive. Since I started this biz, I have began to feel less and less that I need a man in my life. I think that has made me a bit pickier for the better. I no longer waste much or any time on losers. If a guy isn't as sweet or respectful as one of my gentleman, then he has to go. LOL The hobbyists set the standard. See how great you guys are!!!
I am not worried about getting a man. Rather, which man will get me?  (And my friends - who know who they are - will say I am vain, but if I don't think highly of myself than who will?)

-- Modified on 8/17/2005 10:30:32 PM

Remember that you look very sexy/fine when entertaining in front of a mirror. Especially in doggy style on all 4.

in fact, I have found it easier!  When I used to date - before I started in this hobby, we would go out once and I would decide if I would see the guy again, if I would, I didnt date anyone else, didn't keep my options open and things progressed to intimate quite quickly (like 2 or 3 dates in)... results were not promising and often a few dates after that and we were over.

Now, when I date, I am not looking to eliminate every other possibility after the first date, and imitimacy hasn't happened yet at all, no one has been worth it to me.  

Now, this is not a money thing, it is about, why should I get initimate with a guy I am not certain it will work out with?  I went through the 2-3 month relationships already and looking back, I really already felt that it wasn't going to work out, I was clueless about how long I should wait, etc... So I did what I thought was expected.

I would quit the business immediately if I felt that things were progressing to a more intimate level.  As for telling him what I do while we are dating, I guess it would be a lie of omission, to be filled in later.

I am not sure about dating a client, only because I am not sure how you can take a step back to where you are not intimate yet.  You know, dating without boinking - I am a creature of habit, once I have had intimate contact, I want it everytime I see you.  Oh well, old habits die hard!

xoxox
Anik

The real issue is not do you tell him or not. It is he is now dating his ultimate fantasy and can't believe it. When do you shock him with the granny panties, head rollers and scarf just like a real girlfriend. LOL. Actually I saw a popular provider not too far back. After our session we had a long conversation and I found out she was married with children. Her family lives in another state. Her husband knows what she does and her kids say mommy is away on business. I guess it's not impossible

Yeah mp, and then when we get even older we want to come out of "settle down" mode and party like there's no tomorrow.  Guess what?  At my age, there won't be all that many more tomorrows.  Not that many QUALITY ones anyway.  Guess that's why the "grand finale" at the fireworks show is always the BIGGEST display.  Go out in a blaze of glory.  Once I get in that nursing home, I'm going to regret everything I wanted to do but didn't.  I'm working hard NOW to cut that list down to be as small as I can.  Nothing in life I love more than the ladies.  Just tough to take that after reading Marilyn's Diary, not as many as I thought liked me.  Such is life.

Very well thought out and comprehensive reply scenarios, Emperor.  BTW, what are your posts like when you post as Darth Sidius, or don't you post as your DARK SIDE??

Gee nick, d'ya think?  If we didn't USED to, how can we NOT believe it now, after reading Marilyn's Diary??  Of course I know a handful of wonderful ladies in the profession who are more than notable exceptions to that "condition".  Guess that goes a long way into explaining why they are my ATF's.

Vanica, I will put up a quote from your post which I feel raises a VERY interesting point: "Since I started this biz, I have began (sic) to feel less and less that I need a man in my life. I think that has made me a bit pickier for the better."  My point is that it was difficult enough for men to "get to first base" with a wonderful lady (such as yourself) BEFORE.  Now, it's gonna' be just about damn near IMPOSSIBLE!

Vanica, I have read through the very many WELL thought out posted replies to your inquiry (and have replied myself as you can see) to some of those posters.  I am often glad when I sort of come along at the "tail end" of these discussions because I get to read and absorb the thoughts of so many others first, and then can even better fine tune my own thoughts and reply.

 So here goes.  I feel there is NO pat answer to your question (any more than there is a pat answer to any OTHER questions about human relationships and social interraction).  Nothing about life is perfect, and there are NO perfect answers to anything.  The situation (and answers as best as we can derive them) are unique with each person and their background, each coupling, and the specific circumstances of the time (which can and DO change over time).  As the saying goes: "Nothing is constant but change".

 Over my lengthly hobbying "career", I have encontered three gals who I fell in love with (and even more that I admired greatly).  Although the ones which I loved admired me very much, none of them could reciprocate.  That is not unique to the hobby; that is a general condition of life.  In retrospect of course, I will NEVER know if any or all of these "non-relationships" were for the best, or not.  Chances are, it was for the best (but who knows?).  One thing I DO know.  When we ultimately had to part, it HURT like HELL (and continued to for a long time).  So what else is new?  There is one gal who I am deeply in love with NOW who I know will also not be able to reciprocate.  That leaves me with two choices.  The first would be to break it off NOW, before my emotions get in deeper.  The second is to deeply cherish each moment I have (and apparently WILL have with her for a while) in the backdrop of this very brief life, and mentally (as best I can) prepare myself for the inevitable.  When it does happen, I know that it too will HURT LIKE HELL.  But life always marches on.  As you might have gathered, I am choosing option number 2.  Far better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all (or prematurely given it up).  This gal is just TOO special and precious.

 Okay, directly to your question.  My PREFERENCE would BE for a provider (whether or not she was continuing to provide).  To me, I would FAR MORE prefer to have one HUNDREDTH of such an incredible woman than one hundred percent of the "garden variety" polyanna's who largely populate the pool that is OUTSIDE of the hobby.  I want a woman who is totally sexually liberated and highly experienced in all aspects.  Outside of the hobby (or show business), that is a very RARE thing indeed (to the level which I desire).  The key is, I would want total HONESTY up front and constant attention to detail on the most important issue of TRUST.  Of course, if I could have her all to myself then ALL THE BETTER.  However, long ago I gave up on having "delusions of grandeur".  Just to have the relationship at ALL would exceed my greatest hopes.  I would NEVER want to try to smother her or keep her from whatever fulfills her destiny as WELL.

 Of course, I would not have felt this way when I was younger.  However, this is the way I have come to feel in my unique personality and experiences in life.  Many other men would be quite different (out of necessity) of course.

-- Modified on 8/18/2005 6:32:36 PM

Where is ole Lex, BTW?  It's just never quite the same when he's NOT "in here"....

Of course with you living in Miami and my living in Baltimore, it sure would be tough.  And, that BEFORE considering all your touring!  Wow, guess it wouldn't work with us huh?  If it could, I would do it with YOU in a heartbeat.  BTW, the only "drama" you would have with ME would be in the bedroom.  All right, the kitchen table, the living room floor, the chandelier, the airliner bathroom in the "mile high club" etc., etc., etc....

I should have said "many" instead of tarring all the ladies with this cynicism. I too know a handful who have not been infected by this affliction.

That is why you have to have a good head on your sholders before experiencing the ultra gfe. It can be addictive because it is for real and so natural. It is a very seductive way to get you cuming back. Two songs come to mind "Cherish the moment we have" and "I can stop loving you, thinking about it".

It might be best to not see the same provider all the time. Rotate your ATF's.

...particularly in the summer months.

mp, I agree with you to a degree.  I AM rotating, thanks.  I know it will eventually end (perhaps sooner than later), and I need to do everything I can to get ready.  BTW in my current case, I am SURE that it is about a whole lot more than getting me to come back.  This gal is way too genuine and honest for that.  If the truth be known, SHE might feel I am getting too close and coming too often (as well as you do).

 Why don't I hobby out more from my ATF's.  Well, lots of reasons which I can't discuss here.  I WILL tell you that Marilyn's Diary has turned me off to trying to meet all that many more new people.  I don't need any more of THAT abuse and drama.  As it has been said, the hobby should be FUN.  MD has changed that to a great extent, for me.  So, I stick with my ATF's these days, and rotate as you say.  At least it is a good half dozen ladies that I am talking about.