The Pope died and went to heaven.  
   
 He was stopped at the gate by a sleepy watchman who said, "Halt! What do you want?"  
   
 Great! I do 30 years of God's  work to get stopped by this clown, The Pope thought. Out loud he replied,  "Look I am the Pope. I have done many years of good work.”  
   
 “Got any ID?”  
   
 “I’m the Pope!”  
   
 The guard says, "Sorry, Buddy, I’m just kidding. Admin lost your orders, don’t worry we’ll get it sorted out.  Go over to the Transit Barracks and get some rest and we'll see you in the morning."    
 He then gives the Pope directions to an old WWII open bay barracks and a chit for the base galley. The Pope checks into the barracks only to find all the lower bunks taken and the only lockers left have no doors.  So he throws his gear under his rack and goes to sleep.    
   
 The next morning, the Pope is awakened by loud music and cheering. He runs to the window to see a long black limo with a US Navy Chief Warrant Officer in the back, smoking a huge cigar, hanging on to a mug of fresh hot coffee and with two beautiful blonde angels hanging on to him. The heavenly crowd is cheering madly, ticker tape fills the air, cherubs are singing, and the beer flows freely. Heaven is at Holiday Routine.  
   
 The Pope is furious.  He stomps down to the quarterdeck and says, "I'm a senior officer! I’m the Pope! I do 30 years of Gods work aboard the Vatican only to see some squid that probably did every sinful thing imaginable get treated like royalty while I spent the night on a lumpy mattress! What gives?”    
   
 The watchman shrugged and say, "Pope?  Big deal, we get a pope every decade or so. We got the complete set, all the way back to Peter. This is our first ever Chief Warrant Officer."  
   
 -----  
   
 Guy walks into a bar. The owner, seeing a new customer, sends over his best looking waitress. She gives the new customer a menu and asks "Can I help you?"  
   
  He looks at her and says "Yes, I'd like a quickie".  
   
 The waitress is annoyed, and says "Take a look at the menu and I'll come back for your order in a couple of minutes".  
   
 She turns a couple of minutes later and again asks for his order. He responds "I'd like a quickie".  
   
 Now the waitress is really miffed and says "I'll be back for you order when you've reviewed the menu"  
   
 About 10 minutes later she returns and says "Are you ready to order now?" The customer answers "yes, I'd like a quickie".  
   
 The waitress hauls off and slugs the customer, sending him sprawling on the floor, with the table on top of him.  
   
 A fellow at the next table leans over and says to the customer: "You know, I think that's pronounced 'quiche' ."  
   
 ---  
   
 Two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," says one.  
 "I'll have a glass of plasma," says the other. "Okay," replies the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."  
   
 ---  
   
 He said . . ."I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."  
 She said...."You wear pants don't you?"  
   
 --=  
   
 A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, at the appropriate point in the process told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password.  Something he use to log on.  The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.  So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p...e...n...i...s."   His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:  PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.  
   
 --  
   
   Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.  One complained to the    
 other, "Boy, business sucks.  If I don't sell more cars this month,    
 I'm going to lose my fucking ass."  
   
  Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.  
   
 Immediately, he apologised for his bad language.  
   
 "That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month,  
 I'm going to lose my fucking car."