I've yet to receive a returned call or email from any of the Asian agencies in the area (discreet story, top luminous, etc). What gives? How do I actually book with them?

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Total mystery to me.  I've submitted forms, sent emails, and called.  No response, no answer.

There is something weird going on. No answers from the agencies, and even some of the independents wont return calls or emails. I have even offered just to have a drink with them on the first encounter, so they can check me out and no possible legal hassle - still no dice.

My advice, use the Asian agencies on Backpage - I have never had a problem other than sometimes their English isn't too good. But a couple of them have become regulars and I enjoy their company.

Ditto here

and getting behind it is a b*tch - they must have plenty of customers because they don't make it easy.

...they only want people with experience, but how do you get experience without that first job.  The K-agencies put a lot of stock in hobby experience within the Korean hobby community and give little or no weight to other experience.  If you don't have such experience, they probably will ignore you.  That said be patient and keep trying -- not so much at to be a pest -- just every so often.  You might also try some of the Asian independents in NOVA, like Elizabeth Moore, EroticBebe, and MeganErotic, try to build up some history, and try again.  They do have a large clientele, so they can afford to be choosey.

Really? Are these the ads that all have ridiculously gorgeous pictures, only offer outcall, are available 24/7,  and mostly have a 571 area code?   In the few reviews I've seen for these girls they seem to say the pictures are not real.  Seeing as that's a pretty big deception, I would never have imagined things would go well from there.   Regardless, I haven't seen any listings for Asians that mention agencies in a long time.  Any you could recommend? Also are they at least partially GFE? I.e., nice, friendly, not throwing you out the door at the first opportunity?

Yes, the pictures are never who you get. Who you get depends on who they have - sometimes you get a 10, sometimes a 6 - but so far no dogs, and every one has been nice, clean, and no upsell (tho I tip well for a good job), but generally not great English.