Please forgive me if this has been covered,
I haven't been on in many months.

My last big drama with my married boyfriend
cause so much feedback here, much being very comforting knowing I was not alone in my sadness,
I hope some can offer help on this area.

I wish I could find someone who I wouldn't have to hide my past/current with.
It's kind of hard to explain how you afforded certain things or traveled, giant gaps in employment, or in general have a more mature manner, in and out of bed, that comes from interacting with older men. I don't like lying, in fact I suck at it, and it's emotionally exhausting.

I'm sticking my feet into the waters of civilian dating & it feels like I've entered bizarro world.

It's as if I skipped the chapter of human interaction 101 & went right to
abstract quantum sexology (I started providing at 18)

I feel like nobody, unless they've been in the hobby or sex industry, will ever be able to see past my line of work to other aspects of me.
Either they'll run for the hills, or start behaving like a pimp.

I've made some amazing friends out of clients... would my future mate forbid I maintain contact
with those clients even if no sex was involved with them?

How & should I even broach the topic? I believe the past can't stay hidden forever & eventually his friend of a friend would mention they saw me on some website & then the shoe hits the fan!

I dream of a warm domestic household (cue: Somewhere That's Green song, lol) with someone I really respected, a cool as hell partner... and not some sugar daddy I appease out of fear of not having a safety net. As for kids? I adore them, but don't feel they have to be
my own biologically to love.
I wouldn't even mind if future mate was polyamorous, as long as I was emotionally front and center.

Am I expecting too much from a guy?
Must I have to lie for any chance of a real relationship?
Maybe more men should quit marrying the proper and cookiecutter gals & hitch up to a provider, (she's who they end up sneaking off with 5 years later anyway! lol)

Thanks for reading & your advice,
Tayler

Quite frankly, TaylerLakeFL,

I believe you are ripe and ready for some growth-oriented psychotherapy where you will find the answers to these questions yourself. As long as you keep asking searching for such in-depth answers from others, you will never find the solution to some of these problems/issues. If you started providing at 18 and have not really had any "civilian" relationships, chances are that you will need to accommodate your new learning experiences to old cognitive schemas - and that can be harder than you think.

It's easy to provide pat answers your questions: yes/no, you are/are not "expecting too much from a guy" [doesn't it depend on the guy??] and yes/no, you do/don't "have to lie for any chance of a real relationship" [it depends on the relationship and the persons in it]. Do you see how arbitrary these answers are? To some people, what you write mean one thing and to others these things mean something else. We are all guided by our own private and personal experiences. This is a board for the general population, but your questions really require answers that you will only be able to find through in-depth psychological inquiry.

Get to know yourself in the context of philosophical and psychological inquiry - once you do it, you will be on your way to finding the experiences and then the answers.

Find a psychodynamic therapist with some capacity for metaphor and begin your journey,
The Love Goddess

Relationships are challenging enough when you're just trying to get to know the other person, but nearly impossible when you're also trying to get to know yourself.

It may sound trite, but if you don't know yourself and enter a relationship on sound emotional and psychological footing, you're likely to pick partners that just feed your own dysfunctions.  Relationship choices tend to say a lot about who we are and the state of our emotional and psychological health.  This is why we so often see repeating patterns, even when we know on an intellectual level that they aren't what we want, and may even be destructive.

It took me a long time to understand this in my own life, and until I did, my relationships and my partners were simply filling unresolved emotional needs from my past.  This may initially feel comfortable on one level, but it rarely leads to the sort of stable, happy long-term relationship most of us seek.

I thought I was pretty self-aware and introspective, but it was only after my own failed marriage and the 9 months of counseling that followed that I began the ongoing process of truly understanding myself.  Prior to that, I just was just traveling on the momentum of my upbringing and childhood experiences- and I was in my 30's!

Of course, being a provider has its own set of relationship challenges, as you indicated.  But if you follow LG's advice, I think you'll be surprised at the sort of men that you start attracting.  It is possible for providers to have good relationships with good people- I know from first hand experience because I was in one.  I dated a provider for six years and were were both stable, educated, and accomplished people.

As always, my comments are based on life experience and not professional training, but I think LG is giving you very sound advice.

Years ago, I was going thru a rough patch, and went to a therapist. It was one of the best investments I ever made in myself.

I have found many providers worthy of a "real" relationship perhaps more so than a civi. Real has many definitions. For me we all change over time and while a split with a current spouse may be desirable, financial considerations may not make it possible. I have met 2 providers I could envision a relationship with but that is just my perspective. It takes two to tango. And while I am married I will not pursue such ideas with them. My personal opinion is "Marriage" is not a "real" relationship. It is a expectation society puts on you and give you a set of rules you are expected to follow to conform to societies expectations. I do not care what other people think either they accept me for who I am or not.

When I got married I had many lady friends. Pressures from the SO made me sever those ties and soon I became lonely and started to hobby. As humans we are social and to ask anyone to give up their past friendships shows the other it is not real.

Unfortunately it took me many years to learn what I wanted in a real relationship. Perhaps the one thing I want is my partner not to loose sight of who she is and to live her life. If I can be a part of that in a way I could live my life it would be real.

I think trying to conform another to your goals is a asking for failure. So for you, be honest and if you find someone who can accept you for who you are you can have a chance at something real. There are guys out there that will find you desirable.

Just ask anyone who judges your past if they have ever had sex with someone else and why you should not judge them for that!

There's no yes or no answer to the question of whether *you* can have a relationship. Of course you can. The question is whether your past closes some doors to you. I've polled my friends on the questions of whether they'd ever date a stripper or provider. My friends are liberal educated people from the northeast. I was surprised and disappointed that virtually all said that that being a stripper or provider would be a disqualifier to a relationship. I personally would date/have a relationship with a provider but I would be displeased if she waited too long to tell me. I would prefer to be told pretty early on. Like after the first time we have sex or something.

And I mean that sincerely.

I think it can be difficult for people who entered the hobby young enough that many of their early relationships were centered around 'instant intimacy' and the accompanying dopamine/endorphin/oxytocin cocktail. "Real" relationships generally happen much more slowly as we become more and more vulnerable to the other person.

Personally, I would recommend that you tell the other person about your time in the hobby when the time is right. It's difficult to maintain respect for the person you are keeping secrets from and the consequences of him discovering the secret are probably severe.

Tayler,
Indeed, every one of us is capable of a real loving caring relationship.  LG is very right that your inner turmoil needs to be embrased & you need to come to terms with who you are & what you want out of life.  No one else can do this for you.  You should probably initiate steps to move in the direction you choose, to accomplish your goals.
Is this as a Provider?  That's not for anyone else to say.  Being an active provider (as opposed to retired/former provider) does have it's challenges, but I personally know several who are in secure relationships.  Others choose to leave the business.
This is likely not your whole life...  there are fewer "mature" providers...  so there life after sex.  Again, you should position yourself...  like a car being in the right lane to exit...  with the right finances, education, what ever else you desire to have a complete, full & successful life.  
It is easy to get too busy with work to have a social life.  I did this myself...  and woke up & realized that my business success had kept me from dating my peers and now my group was largely already attached.  I married a divorcee...  it didn't work.  I remarried, a widow with young children... another set of issues.  
You must know your own goals for yourself.  You need your own hobbies & interests.  You can not form a relatiojnship with someone else until you have a relationship with yourself.  There is a saying "Love yourself first."  If you are not happy with yourself, how can anyone else be.

I wish you all happiness,
skb

You may be looking for this "real" thing from the wrong guys. It sounds to me like you are ashamed of what you did/do. Before you go further you must come to grips with that. Too many of us spend our lives living or actually failing to live up to someone's expectations. This has no age limit. I disappoint people everyday in many ways. I do not like it but I understand it. If you are not good to yourself nobody else will be. You sound like a fantastic young lady with a very bright future.Stop getting down on yourself, let your inner-beauty come out and like majic you will meet someone who wants to spend time with you no matter what you do/did.

Yeah, I used to have a friend (she hasn't called me in a while so I don't really know if she is still is or not) who was very much like yours.  She's usually pretty tolerant when it came to lifestyles but she writes off ex-strippers or ex-provs as permanently damaged goods.  She claims to have seen it over and over again.
Those kind of remarks sounded pretty shocking to me coming from a person like her, who's (usually) one of the least judgmental people I know.

In my humble opinion; you need to find a guy who can accept your past and not judge you for it. They do exist. Some might even find your past exhilerating. That being said...many would be uncomfortable with you maintaining friendships with former clients. Also, you need to find out if this civie guy is going to wonder if you've been with every guy who looks at you.  If he's horribly jealous the relationship won't work even if he can accept your having been a provider.  In short, don't lie about your past, but don't give graphic details for him to fanatisize and worry about either.  If I was the civie...I'd be concerned that you've had so much experience that I couldn't keep you interested, or...that you would be burned out on having sex at all after a while.