What actually happens to the dynamics of a 33 year relationship (married) when sex and any form of intimacy what so ever dries up completely for an ongoing period of time of just over three years.
Continuing to live in the same household together somehow seems logical to her and doesn't bother her as it does me. I am still very much attracted to her but fairly certain that the feelings are not reciprocal. Divorce is not in her vocabulary and doesn't enter her mind. She has an excellent career and does not need my support. The children (23/26/30) have all moved on with their own busy lives.
LG, I guess what I am asking is, after three long years, once the feelings begin to fade, the closeness that we once had is no more and that special bond that we shared sexually is gone, what is expected of our future ?
I'm very interested where LG will go with this. Traditional or post-modern.
since she MOVED IN.LOL
All joys/regrets/indecisions are relative Romeo. Some folks have made great points about 'what will happen as the sexual frequency levels-off/stagnates' within my current scenario. I'm not so naive that I'm going into this with rose tinted glasses on. I do,however,refuse to submit to the 'doom' factor that some are suggesting is a given. That is one way that this hobby taints our viewpoint. We recognize that our frustrations can be squelched 'elsewhwere' if not at home. This hobby gives US no reason to make valid attempts to salvage our present situation.
It is true that currently i'm on a very high emotional plateau. Look me up three years down the road and tell me again that you envy me.
Good luck brother.
focus on one aspect that also needs examining which is the economic aspects of a break up.
Since she has an excellent career, she may eschew divorce on account of the fact that she may have to pay you support instead of the other way around.
Just saying is all.
In my own case, we were able to find a place to start rebuilding the relationship into something other than what it was. It took some real searching, though.
IF you can't find a way to rekindle the relationship, not restore it because you're not 35 any more, then you'll have to ask yourself if it's worth continuing. It's not a fun question to inquire into.
I know that this is not the forum to seek marriage counseling, and that's really not really what I am looking for.
This relationship of ours has become a "room-mate" existence. We live together, we argue more often than before and we are gradually drifting further apart.
A counselor told us years ago that a marriage without the sexual bond and intimacy is doomed.
I'm simply wondering what to expect.
Dear romeogolf,
Anyone who purports that there is an answer to this question without the input of the other party in the equation is just as doomed to failure as the marriage your former counselor was speaking about.
We don't know anything about your wife beyond what you are stating in your posting; were we to speak to her, the picture might be completely different.
I will say this, and that is that a woman who is post-menopausal oftentimes has zero sex drive, does not feel the need for physical affection and can remain perfectly satisfied with zero physical intimacy beyond a peck on the cheek. If you want her to be more like you, then you have to MAKE her more like you and have her administer significant levels of Testosterone, Estrogen and Progesterone to simulate enough androgens for sexual desire and somewhat of a Luteinizing Hormone (LH) surge to promote raw sexual interest.
If there are other issues such as sexual and romantic boredom with the same partner (33 years is a very long time with the same person) but that two people can remain platonic friends inside the marriage, then that is what awaits you in the future...until one of the partners decides to either make demands or check out of the relationship.
So back to your future - you are in charge here. If you want a different future than the present, then change it. Make demands, get divorced (since when is it obligatory that divorce be desired by both parties?), or hang out in a sexless and physically barren marriage.
Some people manage to reevaluate their sexual needs and sublimate them into something else; if you're that kind of person, then go ahead. It seems to me that there are plenty of folks out there who don't feel that sex is the glue that holds marriage together. I beg to differ, but then again there are plenty of guys on this site who wouldn't dream of leaving their wives - as long as there is paid sex to be had. Sartrean bad faith? For sure, but that's how most people live their lives anyway - by justifying lying to themselves and others.
My vote is for Testosterone and a happy marriage,
The Love Goddess
-- Modified on 4/7/2010 12:58:41 AM
LG I wonder about this menopause thing...I am almost 51 and have hit menopause and am hornier than ever. However, when I was with my partner of 5 years and the weight was packed on...not me, him...I lost all interest. It had zero to do with menopause, however i did use that as an excuse I must admit. But the truth was I was just not into him.
Right partner and Bazinga!!! Personally I feel the whole menopause thing is used as an excuse, as there are treatments and therapies out there to help manage this...first sign of a decreased sex drive and I am knocking down the doctors door begging for something.
That's nice for you literbike,
Are you a provider? I would think so. Also, it doesn't seem that you have really reached menopause, meaning that your body no longer produces any estrogen whatsoever. In addition, for some women, being peri-menopausal does mean hornier, since the testosterone levels are unopposed by now declining estrogen. However, most women (and I really mean MOST here), are not very motivated to change their situation once menopause is completed. This means not only keeping up with intravaginal sex, but also not going on hormone therapy to keep up soft skin, wet vagina, etc.
Menopause is neither an excuse nor something unfixable. It is a fact of human female life, although sadly, it affects the brain so profoundly that what you don't have, you almost don't miss. It's AN EFFORT to get into hormonal treatment and to figure out what works. Not to mention, most women do NOT have access to bio-identical hormones or physicians willing and competent to prescribe them.
We bio-identical hormone proponents are yelling and screaming as much as we can, but we are drowned by big pharma on one hand and cancer research on the other. N.b. that all the cancer data comes from women who were administered artificial hormones; the PEPI trials were based on so many overweight nurses with other issues.
Menopause is a complex issue if you want to return to pre-menopausal sexual desire levels. It takes dedication, effort and above all, some true affection for your mate. Here is where I think you, "literbike," hit the nail on the head: if your mate no longer excites you, for whatever reasons, then what motivation do you really have to change things around?
It's really a two-way street. In my own marriage, The Saint really hopped to it. He's 55 and in better shape than ever. But yes, it took a few visits to the plastic surgeon, Botox, Invisalign, Propecia, regular hair appointments with a top stylist, a complete change in wardrobe, bio-identical hormones, including a low dose of growth hormones, two hours a day in the gym, and a macrobiotic diet to change things around. And yes, I find him super-attractive and other women do to. He's never been so noticed and smiled at by other ladies - and I love it. That, and his willingness to do all these things to please me. You bet he gets BBBJs regularly!
It's all about the work to reap the rewards - on both sides of the fence,
The Love Goddess
Yep, you said it...I am now even more stringent about my diet, exercise, looking into botox and will take what is necessary to keep things working very well. Love that you're a proponent of bio-identicals as when the need arises I will do my best to grab whatever I need. And I think you're right, I may not be totally in true menopause...only one year without a period. Actually would it hurt to add a tiny bit of testosterone now or wait till I have zero estrogen?
Geez I have to as I'm seeing a 37 year old and he is not complaining either about the bbbj's...lol.
Good girl, literbike,
Although with your period completely gone for one year, you may get some hot flashes in the not-too-distant future.
I don't think you should add T without E. You could end up sprouting whiskers on your chin 
. And always add Progesterone if you're playing with the other two. But I am not a physician and cannot give this advice. You will need blood tests to establish proper levels.
I am recommending you to read anything by Uzzi Reiss at www.uzzireissmd.com. His books are full of great info. Don't know where you live, but if you are anywhere close to Beverly Hills, I do suggest consulting with him. If you live elsewhere, his office may have a recommendation. Either way, bio-identicals are safer than manmade hormones.
Enjoy your BBBJ's,
The Love Goddess
since menopause it's been zero. We've only been together for the last 20 (she's 65 now, me 59). In the 5 years between loss of husband #1 & me, husband #2, stated no sex desire... (her 40-45 yo).
In my opinion, sex is the glue which holds a relationship together...
I am far to sexually interested to just quit and roll over and die. It is so difficult living with someone that you have such deep feelings for who is not at all interested in intimacy.
When menopause was over for her she was a different person all together. Her personality changed in that she became insensitive, less caring and a harder woman to see eye to eye with.
A close personal friend who is also our family Physician begged her years ago to go on hormone therapy but she would not. Her belief is that it may lead to breast and uterine cancers.
Being a part of this hobby has really helped me by taking the edge off of this tough situation that I am in but sharing intimacy with a stranger for an hour or two is NOT the answer in the long term.
Thank you LG for your candid and especially expert advice.
In my case, money, social triangulations and an otherwise well managed home is the glue which binds the ties in a sexless, passionless marriage. If I could take off without those complications, I would. I agree, even hours with GFE providers did not replace what I miss in the physically loveless homesite. However, once a very limited provider retired and kept me on as a compensating FWB, my sexual and emotional problems have been resolved. I know I am trying to skate on a knife's edge, but its working for now.
If I where in your shoes especially with adult children, I know what I would pursue. I wish the best for you!