I'm a 52 year old guy in above average physical shape and, up until 2 years ago, rarely had any sexual issues. That was when I discovered that my wife of 20 odd years had been carrying on an affair.  She swore it was a mistake and we went on.  Never had any sexual difficulties.
Fast forward to early last year and I find out again that she is carrying on with the same guy and possibly someone else.  Now my wife is an attractive 45 who got married too early (her insistance) and I'm sure if she had to do it over again wouldn't.  We have two kids and I think she still cares but she doesn't love me.
Again, I forgave but started to hobby out of revenge.  It's gotten out of hand in that I'm doing it far more often than I should.  My wife and I still have sex.  I'm attracted to her (and, much to my detriment, still love her) but, lately, after all the dust has settled, find that I'm having ED problems with her (even when using the little blue pills) almost every time out.  
We haven't talked about her infidelities and, as a result I still have suspicions. We haven't DFK'd in three years.  What I want to know is why, after all the bullshit has run under the bridge, am I having ED issues now.  Now I use the pills for every session because I'm paranoid that I won't be able to perform.  As a result, my sessions are super performance wise.  But there is still the matter of sex with my wife.  Is it mental, could it be physical?
I would be thankful for any advice.

-- Modified on 1/27/2007 9:13:18 AM

Just my theory and suggestion,,, only you know what's right for you in your total-life spectrum...

(But do you see what I mean... I'll bet you're getting a boner already just thinking about the prospects...)   ;>




-- Modified on 1/27/2007 10:16:09 AM

I'm 55, in generally great health (although high blood pressure is controlled by moderate medication). In the last 5 years I have had some ED problems with the wife. We have no big relationship problems, married 30+ years, very stable. On the other hand, not terribly exciting. So I figured if I was going down hill I should see what else was available and started hobbying. Found that generally I had more ED issues with providers than with the wife! Performance anexity I guess. So now I do Levitra or Viagra from all provider appointments, with mixed results. If the big head isn't into it the "better living through chemistry" doesn't cure everything. When it works it can be great. But ageing happens, and differnetly to all of us.

Good luck!

The cat is out of the bag, so to speak.

Why not see if a relationship where you each contribute to the household and raising the kids, etc, as well as having occasional sex, and seeing other people (you, your escorts and she, her lover) will work?

Would you accept it or do you feel that any wife of yours must be faithful?

I don't impunge your judgement, but consider what that judgement may be costing you.

It appears that your wife may be willing to opt for the open reltionship model.

Acceptance of this just may offer both of you a lot of freedom and peace of mind.

Oh dear Everyone Has One,

Talk about disappointment, unspoken bitterness and covert rage! No wonder your sex life is compromised!

I don't know everything about you, but I truly believe your erectile difficulties stem from bottled up emotions. What happened during those "fast forward" years? Did you both make commitments toward healing and repairing the marriage with your hearts and souls? Doesn't seem like your wife did!

I'm wondering why your wife is still married at all. She insists that she got married too early, she carries on with the same guy and possibly someone else...but she wants to stay in a marriage. And you are settling for this? Well, the body doesn't lie. It doesn't want to cooperate naturally, because underneath all that artificial cooperation is a raging, hurting soul. Just the fact that you don't even engage in the very intimate act of kissing speaks volumes.

If you decide to continue the situation and the marriage, please, at least get some competent counseling to help you both. Of course, you can continue with the ED meds. But just know that your difficulties stem from massive disappointment and nothing else. If you feel brave one day, get with your ATF and try a session without the pills. It may be a scientific experiment you might enjoy.

Sheesh...some women sure love to lead inauthentic lives..
the Love Goddess

It amazes how everything that is wrong or unhappy in your life is a result of an outside force. How everything that makes you unhappy is a result of someone else's actions.

Your worst pathology is how you surrender your power to control you own emotins when others aren't even trying to affect you. This is a huge weakness and leads to the death by suicide of your spirit.

Your inability to accept the consequences of your actions has taken a huge toll on your existence, and relegates you to an un-evolved stage of moral development.

Of course you will not understand how the subject line of your post reveals all this and you will deny it all.

As long as you continue to let others decide your emotional being, you will continue to be unfullfilled and unhappy. (And probably have a drinking addiction)

Sir im only 20 and i have ED issues. The girl i called my heart cheated on me with my best friend while i was out visiting family. For the longest time i had issues that could only be resolved by thinking of her. sorta the opposite of what your feeling, yet so similar because both of our problems are in our head.
    That was someone you trusted, and she broke you. Us guys are funny, we deal with emotions differently than females, by hiding them. That might be your problem. Confront these issues with the misses and if she doesnt get it and is still seeing other men, take mrfisher's advice and try and have a new kind of relationship with your wife.
    Remember that feeling you used to get in the begginning of the relationship, the indestructable affection you two had when it all started out? Revive that feeling and i think your problem will be solved.
      Mine went away when i forgave her for what she did. since than we dont really speak much anymore, just occasionally if not on accident. Like i said, our cases are opposites so i doubt you will have the same outcome as me but i believe if you confront the issue, maybe try new things, your relationship can be revived, as well as your performance.

          Another thing could be that the fact that shes been with another man, or a few, has simply just turned you off from her. Maybe try voyerism to test that theory, that is if you can handle that, and if you find yourself cringing at the idea than youl know where the problem really lies...jealousy
                     I hope this helped or made at leaste a little sense. I just know thinking of other men with my girl helped me get over her, so maybe it can help you. Take care

I posted this here to get unfiltered feedback and also because I have chosen not to discuss this with anybody else.  Lots of interesting points especially from Mr. Kohlberg. Nice of him to drop me a line after being dead for 20 years but that doesn't lessen the quality of the advise.  BTW, nice stab in the dark on the drinking addiction.  That isn't an issue.  However, sex addiction is my real concern.  
LG, you're correct in that we either need to seek counciling or move on.  Mr. Kohlberg was right about one thing. Not taking personal accountability for this situation is leading to suicide of the spirit.