I held off posting this because I needed to get settled in a new place.  Many of you have seen my posts from my ex SB/GF who was crazy, was cheating and stealing from me.  It has been a year since I heard much from her but then she started stalking.  I actually moved to get away.  Now the police have an eye out for her and will make an arrest if she randomly appears in my new neighborhood.

So, tons of red flags that I missed.  Here are a few pointers to keep a crazy girl from messing up your life.  This is really a guideline on how to transition, the right way, from just an arrangement to something more.

1. Be very clear on expectations and have a way to keep up with it.  My expectations were she was not with anyone else.  But I had no real way of knowing until I found out from her family she was actually married.  What i should have done is pinned her down to what she was doing talking to this other guy.  Fortunately, she had some tells she was lying when questioned face to face.

2. Know where they live.  Now, since the lease where she lives is in my name, I have access to it.  And, as you saw in a previous post of mine, I have keys so I can do drop bys.  This is not meant to be stalking your girl.  But make sure it's in an area where you can do that from time to time.  I do a lot of outside marketing so I'm always driving.  Makes it easy for me to be in the area.  Also fun to pop in for lunchtime playtime.

3. Don't live too close.  So she can't drop in unannounced at your place.  Unless you don't care.  I'm an introvert so I like my alone time.

4. Social media.  Don't stalk her but check it from time to time.  If she's out with the girls a lot that's cool.  If there's a recurring guy, ask.  He's just a friend doesn't cut it.  That's where I messed up.  He was a 'friend' who was her husband and spending the allowance I gave her.

5. Go over budget.  She's probably shitty at it and could use someone to get her finances in order.  I made my current SB start an IRA and a savings account.  Now she isn't panicking Christmas presents and has the cash to buy stuff for her family.

6. Lots of good communication.  Not endless texts.  But talk a bit everyday.  She knows it mandatory and so do I.  It keeps us connected and she values what I do for work.  The time I spend on my career that allows me to pay for things.  She began to realize it takes a lot to make what I do.  And she now appreciate time we get together.

7.  Date night.  Every week.  I am on her calendar now.  She knows.  I know.  We move things for each other.  This is more important than it sounds. Before, we would get together when it was convenient.  Now it's the priority and other things are pushed so we get time together.

8. Listen to her expectations.  At this point, you will be meeting her friends.  Maybe even family.  Their first concern is always why is an older guy pounding my daughter.  Make it clear you are who you are.  That it may have started as this beautiful young woman was giving me attention.  But now it's more.  You got to know her and she's worth your time.  And don't talk sex.  Even with a very open family.  You never want to come across as a perv because they are already thinking that.

9. Find out what turns her on.  This seems like a no brainer but that changes a lot.  The excitement of an allowance and being treated to nice dinners has faded at this point.  Mine said she always likes my arms because I workout.  So I work those the morning of date night every time.

10. When you meet friends and family, look for flags hard core.  Really listen to what they say.  What I missed before with the crazy ex was the same things.  Like mentioning the other guys name but not in past tense.  If a lot of conversation is about her ex or.... Other guys run.  She's either still with him or has made it clear she's not over him.  In the case of my current SB, they talked a lot of shit about her last bf.  How he treated her poorly and they wanted to make sure I was nothing like him.  Also let them talk about her work and life.  If they mention how she's always out and they don't know what she's up to that's a flag to clear up.  If they are happy she's seeing someone again or happy she focused on work and school instead of a man.  Those are good signs. Mentioning how she used to be partying all the time or slept around but it's out of her system is also a good sign.  Not so much if she's still doing it.

My point here is, have a few ways to vet a crazy.  And have a few ways to get her to be yours long term.  No system is perfect.  But these are clear ways to get some red flags identified before you start going down a rabbit hole

Having been down the transition from "unofficial side-gig" to "meet my family" myself 2 times, I think you have captured some incredibly important points.  Although my mistakes did not rise to the level of grand theft, they did result in my spending perhaps thousands of dollars that should have stayed in my high-interest investment accounts.  

 
What did I miss along the way? Not a hubby, fortunately, but other issues that I should have seen coming:  

 
1. Bi-polar, alcoholic, and self-styled polyamorous: Wrecked my apartment, lost the debit card I gave her multiple times, disappeared for days at a time - only to break my kitchen window at 2:30 am when she got "home" having lost her keys "somewhere." That "somewhere' turned out to be a 4-day sex romp with some anonymous swinger couple - I think.  I had met the family, especially her "poly" father and mother. This included dinners at the parents' home with Mom's BF AND Dads GF in attendance.  (-With apologies and no disrespect to Papa Sweet- Side note on the "poly" thing: At some point I had a solo chat with "Dad" - I am 5 years older than he is - and got the story of how a 15-year marriage evolved into a poly relationship. He spun a story of mutual unrest, desire and open-mindedness. But the kernel of truth behind the story was:  He had been cheating on her since year 1. And when he finally got caught, he had an immaculate conversion to the Church of Poly. He convinced his wife and then sold the concept to their kids. My SB just didn't have the innate cynicism needed to see the reality of a cheating father.)  

 
2. Serial Prince Charming syndrome: When we started dating (She is AA, early 20's) she told me she knew when she got married it would be a successful, handsome, AA guy near her age (In other words: a "666" 6 ft tall, 6-figure income, and 6-pack abs). But after meeting her mother and learning about her father and siblings, well I had no idea what was instore for me for the 1st 3 years. Her Mom: Had been dating the same married man for 15 years. They had broken up several times, and she always went back. Her Dad was a retired judge with - sit down for this - 15 children by 13 wives!  After sugar dating for several years (I was paying her monthly rent, plus frequent cash and other gifts) she started hinting that she didn't want to end up like her parents and was looking to get "wifed up." If you have dated an AA before, you know this term and what it means...She started hinting that she was ready to get married and wanted to know my feelings about that. So much for the AA Triple 6! She had recalibrated on the older, white, fat, Jewish guy who had a rather large income and an even larger stock portfolio. Ultimately, I broke up with her (told that story in the past). But even after I pulled the plug on her rent payments and (she knew) I had started dating someone else, she kept contacting me as a friend - innocently enough, or so I thought. But after 3 months, she started showing up at places I would be.  My current SB realized what was happening and went full-on ballistic! I now consider myself a true-life crime stopper because at least one of them was going to be murdered by the other, until I stepped in and separated the two.  

 
So bravo, Netnoy! You went through the meat grinder and came out smarter and better.  

Lessons HARD LEARNED are lessons WELL EARNED!  

 
Life is good

 
The Cat

These experiences have the makings for a great reality TV show!

Lotsa worthy info in these cautionary tales!  I especially enjoyed the bit about conversion to the church of poly as a way to gloss over his cheating!  And just since I gotta say it, truly polyamorous people never cheat, are always honest, and make sure everyone involved is comfortable with the situation.  Just saying.