Please bear with me, I might be a little long winded but you need to know some background about us first.

I've known this lady for almost 4 years. Yep, that's a long time and I'm sure we've broken some records here. Anyway...we have a great rapport to say the least. Always love to see one another, which is about once a month or every other month. Sex is always hot and passionate and very affectionate with each other in between too. A one hour session is always two.. a two hour session could be the whole afternoon together. Hope you're getting the picture here...we know 99.9% everything there is know about each other and are very close..but not in love. Emotions and love are there but we both are just very close friends. Another time..another place and I'm sure it would be different.

Here is my problem. About a year ago the DFK seem to stop. Now DFK only happens on rare occasions, usually in a fit of passion while engaged in sex. LFK is even getting rare while warming up. Mostly it's just a lot of regular kissing...which is nice and I'm not saying it's just pecks here and there either. Total lip to lip sensuous kissing but very little if any tongue action going on. She has many reviews and all state DFK with a complete stranger on the first date.

This is something that is very important to me. It's not a hygiene thing either. Others DFK with me all the time. Besides we know each other too well to not mention something like that and laugh over it anyway. So what the F gives here ? Are we like the old married couple or something ? That would make sense, except for the sex is still hot and heavy. She's the best...but I just don't get it ?

-- Modified on 11/14/2006 2:41:39 PM

ReFK and an ATF

Understandable that you are...wondering,

It is, however, very difficult to make projections or conclusions without ever having spoken to the lady in question. Since you know 99.9% of everything there is to know about one another, how about asking her why she thinks the DFK has stopped? It could be something so simple as HER perception of a hygiene issue - or maybe she is really bored? Who knows? Only she does.

Now she may or may not tell you the truth. But since she is a seasoned professional, chances are the DFK will come back, for your pleasure.

I'll just throw the following in as an afterthought; it has less to do with your posting in particular, and more to do with "the ATF syndrome" in general: Emotionally speaking, a client who falls for his ATF is in a more vulnerable position than his lady. By this, I mean that such a client will defer to the ATF and frequently let her take the lead as far as the specifics of the sexual interaction is concerned. So if she doesn't feel like kissing [for whatever reason,] the client doesn't make waves or insist. The relationship can take on a subtle hint of...well..."an old married couple," . Granted, providers are professionals, but they are human too. So, if your ATF starts to feel a little too comfortable, it may be because she takes your presence for granted and lets the fireworks slip a little bit. It happens in many service-based relationships, not just in the sphere of commercial sex. Hence, the message to all you ATF'ers out there is to "ask, and most probably, ye shall receive." But don't be afraid of communicating...lest you'll really end up like a married couple.

LAK [light air kisses]to all of you ;-D
the Love Goddess

I posted about a similar situation back in July (see link). I've been there myself. Maybe I'll write an update in another post. Right now, here's my advice. Say "Hon, I really miss the DFK. It has been a wonderful, important part of our relationship. How about we go back to it?" See what happens. In the final analysis, you are a customer in a business transaction who deserves to be pleased. I have a feeling she'll respond positively. Good luck!

-- Modified on 10/28/2007 11:36:25 AM

Somehow I feel like we're in the same shoes. Your situation sounds all too familiar. Like you, I feel like I deserve something better, being a long-time regular of someone I consider my all time favorite. I've been seeing her for two years now by end of November this year.

Though I don't see her exclusively, I do see her a lot more often than others. In two years, I see her on an average of once every three to four weeks. Though it's a paid "relationship", it's a relationship nonetheless.

Just as in your case, our sex was always very passionate and intimate. I found myself falling for her last December but had to not tell her because I was afraid that if I did this relationship might end. I couldn't help thinking about her a lot but she didn't know. A few times she dropped hints about how she felt about me but I either pretended not hearing them or changed topics so I didn't have to respond to her. I think she got upset once or twice when I ignored her.

If I have to rate the best thing we've ever done and the most passionate acts in our sessions, it would have to be the kissing. I think kissing more than sexual intercourse best communicates the deepest feelings you have for someone. I'd say sex with her is by far the most intimate experience I've had with anyone in my whole life (I'm in my fortys) due mostly to the passion I felt when we kissed. Sure, there were days when she was off a little but 90% of the time it was very passionate.

Later, she met someone and told me about it. I didn't take that news too well and felt rather disturbed by it. I actually cared for her and was also happy that she's found love somewhere else but sad that our sessions would be different from then on. At first, not only did things not change, much to my surprise, we actually had the most passionate sex after she started seeing this guy. That night I couldn't hold back anymore and told her how I truly felt about her and how I fell for her. She broke into tears and said she had no idea. But I made it clear to her that I wanted her to be happy with this guy cause' she really thought he was the one. At first I didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other anymore and told her so but she disagreed and wanted to see me again. I actually stopped seeing her for a while and decided to go back because I really missed her. Then it was she who thought it was a bad idea seeing me because now she knew there were emotions involved and it would feel like she was cheating on him. But then I told her I could handle it. Then we were seeing each other like before. Things were like before and everything was fine. But the last two times I saw her, I could feel the change; the passion is now gone. I waited two sessions like these before I actually asked her. She said that it was hard to explain but having sex with someone is one thing but being intimate with him is something else. When she was single, she had no problem being passionate with me because that's how she truly felt about me. Now, she's in a serious relationship. She can't give that anymore which I totally understand. I decided to end the relationship while the memories are still sweet and fond. Though she still wants to see me, I've decided that as long as she's in a committed relationship, we shouldn't be seeing each other, though I understand she needs to keep working because she needs the money.

Certainly a story worth retelling, horny24,

My heart goes out to you and all others whose emotions get entangled in this most human fashion. It is not easy to be on either end of a relationship where the intent is mainly carnal. Feelings bob up and down on the sea of Eros...and sometimes we sink right along with them. You are obviously swimming against the tide, of your own choice. Luckily, you still have a long way to go and many more love/lust stories to experience in your life.

Thank you for sharing with us,
the Love Goddess

and I have been seeing this UTR provider for over 16 years.

We are great friends, and we tell each other all our secrets and goings on with others, plus have dynamite sex. (and she gives a terrific massage!)

About two years ago, she told me that she really doensn't like kissing, at all.

I was surprised and asked what's wrong, I even inquired about my breath.  She said that's not it at all, it's just something she would rather not do.  (Up to that point, she would engage in it half-heartedly at my urging.)

I've given it some thought and decided:  Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.

We have a great time without it, we enjoy each other's company immensely.  I decided not to make any kind of issue over it or even dwell on it.

I have other favorites whom I see and one of them could remove my tonsils with her tongue.

I have blessings enough to count.

On another matter:

Horny, that is a hell of a situation you had there.  I think breaking it off was the right thing to do, but I also think it deserves a bit of a post mortem.

There's a cautionary tale for all of us in there.

To get the ball rolling, I think that you should have addressed her directly early on when she began saying things that indicated her deeper interest in you, rather than ignoring the comments in hopes of her just dropping the issue.  She must have internalized her feelings at that point and thus ensued a game of emotional ping pong until the relationship became so unstable that it was time for it to end; which is kind of sad.  You two seemed to have a nice thing going.

I had a somewhat similar relationship with another UTR provider and it ended the same way except that it was she who ended it.

Thank you for sharing.

ReFK and an ATF

Asking her about it is something I've been avoiding. Just hoping the situation would go back to more dfk. I don't want her to do it just for the sake of doing it either. Not my style, she or any other provider has to be comfortable doing the things they like with me or else I'm just not going to be into it either.

Well..I'll just have to ask because it's bugging the hell out of me. Could be as Mr. Fisher says..I know she likes to kiss but maybe just not all that crazy about deep kissing....or it's the ole married couple syndrome Strange thing is she has been giving me these lingering regular kisses (even lfk the time before last) and very tight intimate hugs when we say goodbye lately.

But it could've been worse. The ending was inevitably. I wished I had followed my instinct about ending it that night when I told her how I truly felt about her. I wanted to end it that night due to the very fear that has now become a reality. Our time together is not the same anymore. It borders on disappointment. When confronted with the issue, she was very candid with me about the problem which I anticipated all along right after I learned that she's met someone.

Frankly I wished that she was the one that wanted to break it off. At least I wouldn't feel that she wanted to stay in the "relationship" just for the money. One reason why I had doubt about her true feelings for me is that she continued to accept my "donation" while we're seeing each other. I mean, how can a true intimate relationship be built upon money? I sometimes wished we could go out for lunch or dinner off the clock once in a while. I'm not a cheapskate and make good living working as a professional. I could certainly afford paying for her time. There were occasions when I would pay her more than her regular rate when I saw her. I wished that for once perhaps she would say no to the donation; the truth is that I would insist that she kept it even if she'd said that.

It was great and memorable while it lasted. We're meant for either to enjoy our company but not meant for either to keep. I got a sense she felt the same dilemma and frustration I did but I can't be sure exactly how she truly felt. Again the money kind of got in the way and put doubts in my mind.

namely, money.

It is easy enough when hobbyist and providers stay well on their sides of the line and the money is the guarantee that the line remains bright and clear.

But what to do when both parties feel like crossing that line?  

What of money then?

It is probably the knottiest problem there is, even in marriages. (Money is more often a cause of divorce than infidelity.)

This topic should probably get it's own thread (maybe its own board?) but to kick it off I'd like to go on record as saying that a hobbyist and a provider can establish a loving SO relationship, and that money can still be exchanged without diminishing that relationship.

I think that the equasion has to be balanced on the has versus needs question.

I'm not saying I have all the answers by a long shot, but so far it seems to be working well with Ms. Fisher and me.

I would love to hear what others think.

Thank you Horny for presenting the particulars of your affair with such aplomb.

I agree that the line/boundary/love topic should have its on board.  I does come up quite frequently.  I am sure you are aware that you are very lucky to have a friend like ms fisher.  To have relationship with a lady in the hobby, the key is balance and understanding which can be quite challenging to obtain.  Even though one may cross the lines of the hobby, there still has to be a gray line.  What I mean by gray line is some type of agreement or rules to go by,  Which is no different than in any relationship, civie or hobby.

A provider who does not advertise herself in any way.  Instead she relies on a group of clients that she has built up before she went UTR, or perhaps word of mouth, reviews; or some combination of the above.

Often a provider who is trying to get out of the buisness entirely goes through this phase to ease the transition.

At the risk of sounding cynical, I'll repeat something I posted elsewhere on this site about this ATF business.  Sure, she's your ATF;  but are you hers?  While she may genuinely enjoy your company -- perhaps more than most of her clients' -- it still doesn't mean she wants a relationship.  I really think it's that simple.