A bit of background.

My regular work keeps me constantly on my toes. Anytime, anyplace, I have to be ready to make good decisions or take action. 24x7x365. I even hired outside contractors to sort of "back me up" so I can have some slack. I am a leader in the workplace. Every word I say has to be carefully parsed in advance. People depend on me to keep them employed.

I am also a sort of intellectual leader of certain outside interests such that people attribute considerable significance to practically anything I say -- all over the world. Even bored intelligence agencies parse my words and write speculative reports.

Meanwhile, the spouse has had a condition for several years that requires delicate handling. Every word, tone of voice or even facial expression must be perfect to keep her on an even keel, even if she awakens me at 2 a.m.. On those few occasions where I have messed up, the results have been unpleasant.

I do not mind responsibility -- if anything, I seek it. Responsibility, for me, is a path to change the course of the world and even people's lives positively. But I don't feel I can afford to have any blunted edges for even a short time.

I have my spouse's explicit permission (close to a mandate) to engage in intercourse with escorts under certain conditions.

Trouble is: I don't enjoy it. I sort of make myself do it about every 6 months. (Just often enough that I can claim with a straight face to have done so.) It's pleasant enough and the ladies, I can tell, are doing exactly what they are supposed to do.

I have no trouble with the basic anatomical aspects. Pretty woman up close lots of kissing. The physical arousal is certainly there. And there is no trouble with the basic physics or having an orgasm pretty much exactly when I decide I will have one.

And that, I think, is why I don't enjoy it so much. I don't NOT enjoy it, but I seem as unaffected beyond the physical as though I were shaking hands with a business associate. I feel like I am acting, being a third person not myself. At worst, I feel like I am trying to provide a convincing Boyfriend Experience so the provider doesn't feel she has failed.

One provider picked up on it and stated that I could do calculus in my head while having an orgasm. That's probably true. I'm wound rather tightly.

Most of the time, I need to be -- and that's fine.

But when I can't even relax enough to enjoy a little sex once in a while -- that's a problem. Obviously, it decreases my motivation to bother.

How do I manage to unwind enough that I can actually enjoy an hour of fun with a beautiful woman? If it were more enjoyable I'd probably do it more often; to the benefit of lovely ladies in the area as well as myself.

Certain things are totally out as a possible solution -- such as alcohol and drugs as I am tested for these things. Besides, I don't want to have to rely on artificial means.

I DO make absolutely certain that I am backed up at work and at home so that, during the time I spend with a provider, I don't need to worry.

Any ideas?

LG will give you a much better and in-depth response. But, in simple terms, how can you expect to shift from a mental and physiological state of being "wound rather tightly," to a state where you are relaxed and open to pleasure in only one hour? Perhaps finding someone who will give you a massage for the first hour, and then play the second, would be a good place to start. But, in the long-term, you need to learn to tolerate moving from the state of doing (working and being responsible to others), to doing (activities like playing games, sports, meditation, yoga, Qi Tai, yoga, the arts. If you can't, you just might be a workaholic.

Well you sure are WoundPrettyTightly,

There are so many shoulds and musts in your life that making screwing one of them surely kills the deal. Reminds me of the Saint, who in his previous marriage was assigned to cooperate with all sorts of fertility maneuvers and ended up ejaculating 7 times a day in a cup. That marriage ended and I suppose I'm the beneficiary of a guy who is just so relieved at NOT having to perform on command, LOL.

But back to you: My idea is this one. Stop seeing escorts. Yup. Just stop. Because you don't like it. It's not often that I recommend this "remedy," but in your case I do think it's the best solution to your problem. First of all, if you really want to make a case of it, having sex every 6 months isn't going to do anything beneficial for you either way. Dunno how old you are, but my guess is in your 50s (since you have a wife with "a condition," and you've achieved significant success in your field.) The fact is that you are supposed to clean your pipes almost daily for prostate health. Optimally, it's to be done with a live partner, but in the absence of that, jacking off is perfectly acceptable. At least you won't have to face another human being who is trying to put her best foot forward while she notes your lack of obvious enthusiasm.


My question is this: What DO you like sexually? Or don't you have time to think about it? If you don't, that's OK too. There's nothing that says that you MUST engage in sex. From an existential standpoint, you've made your bed, so what else can you do but to lie in it? If you want to focus more on women, sex etc., then you'll have to slow down, and clearly, you seem far too achievement-oriented to do that.

My hunch: The only thing that will shake you out of this one is a love affair with a civvie, not a paid relationship by the hour. You need to hike the Appalachian trail leading to some soulmate's pussy in order to recover. Yes, yes, I KNOW it's awfully controversial, but I think that's the only thing that will change things for you. The whole spouse thing is ridiculous - your tone in describing your relationship, her "condition," all of it. My suspicion is that you're about as passionate about her as an iceblock while living on the North Pole, and I don't just mean sexually.

Brutally, frankly: Get a divorce, go live alone, figure out what you want to do with your life and fall in love with someone younger, healthier and way more exciting. Trust me, the work situation will sort itself out.

Really, Mark Sanford's not THAT crazy,
The Love Goddess

Hi LG,

I'm actually in my early 40's though a bit of an overachiever.

I'm a bit standoffish about my wife because I want to make sure her privacy is assured. But I am definitely passionate about her and if sex with her were possible, I'd love it. Always did before and had no trouble letting go.

Her condition is psychological -- she's physically healthy and a bit younger than me. I've recently assembled a sort of "team" to work with her intensively so she can hopefully be put to rights. (Second time around.) But I love her enormously and would never abandon her so divorce isn't really an option I'd consider. (I would consider it only if I felt it were in HER best interests, and right now I don't think that is true.)

The same goes for a love affair. In fairness, there are a number of civie women available for such activities -- all I have to do is ask. Some seem rather eager. But not only would that violate the conditions set by my wife, it would expose an innocent third party (the "other woman") to something that could only end in her wasting her time. That would be unconscionable, IMO.

I like most ordinary sexual things. I'm not into stuff like bondage or some of the more "out there" stuff. I *think* about sex, so that's pretty normal too, and I notice pretty women, etc. I genuinely like and appreciate women and have always -- until about 4 years ago -- had no trouble enjoying sex. I think that's where the not being able to let down even at home anymore may have wound me up a bit too much.

I think it may be akin to the wife who works a full time job, takes care of the kids, does all the housework and then her husband is shocked (shocked!) that she isn't feeling feisty. WHile the details are different, I think I may be in that structure.

But between you and Mattrad, I think I have an idea.

Forget the escorts for now -- that makes sense to me. I mean, why in the world should I pay for something I'm not enjoying? Maybe there is some "special" escort out there who could "flick the switch" but I doubt it. They aren't miracle workers. And I shouldn't let myself feel pressured to do it either. I cannot allow others to construe permission as obligation.

Then I need to hire someone to take care of my wife for me for a few hours a week, say one weeknight and a weekend day, so I can go do whatever -- hike, fish, etc. And I'd bring in the folks I've hired to back me up at work during those times as well. Anything where I can ditch my Crackberry for a few hours without worry and don't have to have absolute control or a tight schedule.

There are 168 hours in a week. The world will survive if I steal 12 of them.

I've no idea how long that sort of thing will take to unwind me enough that I'm not an automaton.

But once I AM unwound, I think Mattrad's advice makes sense. I think he has hit on a couple things -- one directly and another indirectly. I've been trying to go from 60 miles an hour down to zero and then back again within 60 minutes -- and that just won't cut it. I'm wound up way too high. There's just no way I can pull that off. If, in a few months, I can get unwound enough to venture into that, it would have to be with a longer appointment. I need to ease into it a bit. I think Mattrad hit on something that rings really true to me there.

And indirectly he brings up something else: my comfort level with the person. Even way back when, when I had precious few responsibilities, I couldn't sleep with a civie girl on a first date. I needed a comfort level. The whole one-hour thing doesn't work with that. That's part of why it feels forced and artificial -- it is completely outside my character for even civie girls. If I'm going to enjoy sex with a provider, it would likely require a non-sexual (paid, of course) encounter first, or at least a relatively long appointment.

What do you think?

this is a very interesting situation and while i like mattrad and LG's ideas your response indicates even more complexity in your situation.

mattrad suggests mediation and various activities that are meditative in nature. but it seems to me that not all meditative activities are equally well suited.

when you are doing your usual "wound up tight" take care of the world routine are you immersed in it? or can you watch yourself doing it? if the former question is answerable as yes then perhaps you need to develop the capacity to say yes to the second question too. there are meditative practices and activities that promote a relaxed-analytical-observing state rather than a relaxed-blissed-out state.

my idea is that as a relaxed observer you would be able to negotiate switching between being a fully engaged analyst of the situation to a more relaxed condition where you could shift your attention to a more body-centered observer.

in the latter state you might find an encounter with a P4P provider more successful? it would also help if you found a provider who was expert in helping you focus your attention on the physical and coould help you keep it there.

i am sure that there are ladies willing to help you with your progam as you have outlined it in your post or with other modifications of your choice.

WPT,
Thankyou for the additional information.  I can certainly relate.  With your professional & home responsibilities, there's no way to unwind in 60 minutes.  I think you are wasting your time & money trying to squeeze unwinding into 60 minutes.

You might find classic escorting to be more to your needs.  12 to 24 hours.  Wine, dinner, some sex, a long relaxing sleep, wake up sex & breakfast!  Return to work relaxed.  

The issue is that many ladies would be interested in such an arrangement, it should NOT be agreed upon (by them or you) until you've had successful shorter dates first.
 
Try "dinner & desert" or some such.  3-4 hours.  Expect to pay for all the time (though overnights generally are less per hour because of sleep time).  
skb
PS Park your Blackberry for the duration...  Perhaps you need an alternative contact method (disposeable cell) in case there's an atomic attack ONLY!

becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you don't spend the time getting comfortable for pleasure, you can't have pleasure. So, what I imagine happens for you is, when the time comes set up another appointment, you can't imagine having a pleasurable time, since you've not had one yet. And, you then feel dread at having just one more chore to do, while at the same time worrying about whether all your bases, at work and at home, are being covered. Your point about transitioning to back-to-work mode is important also. Finding ways to ramp back up is important, rather than having to jump back in the car and rush back to work. Soaking in the experience and sitting with it for a bit can help with enhancing your anticipation for the next time.

Hmmm...WoundPrettyTightly,

Not only are you wound tightly, but you are an overachiever and a control freak as well. The whole thing about "I need to hire someone to take care of my wife" sounds like the film "Gaslight" to me. You've "assembled a team?" You'd consider divorce if it were in HER best interest, but right now you don't think it's true?" Huh? Doesn't your wife have her own will at all? What do you think she would say if she read your posting?

My suggestion - which I'm sure you wouldn't be able to cope with in the long run - is to have a long discussion with your wife and let HER tell you what she think is wrong with your marriage and your relationship. Because based on what you've written, it seems like there's only one overfunctioning decisionmaker in the home - you. She tries to control what she can, and I guess sex would be it. The whole thing about "the condition set by my wife" sounds so contrived and so disingenuous that the false selves and the psychological artifice in your story are just overflowing.

The way I see it, your marriage is not based on two equals, particularly since one has "a condition," and the other one is maneuvering left and right around it. There is something vaguely paternalistic about the whole setup, and that never bodes well for anything.

Quite frankly, I hope your wife recovers and either gets on equal footing with you - and I really mean this, in the most classic, feminist sense - or else you're both doomed to living out the rest of your lives with inauthenticity and failed solutions.

Get real with each other, please,
The Love Goddess

What I married was an equal. Not "equal" as in "identical" but equal in ability to control the outcomes of her life. In fact, that's a good part of why I married her.

Imagine, for a moment, a woman with supreme self-confidence, high intellect, ethereal beauty, love of sex and an achiever in her own right. That's what I married. And, frankly, that's what I want.

But, imagine, if you will, that woman barely hanging on to stay out of a freakin' institution because of shitty psychological care in the wake of trauma inflicted in the form of gang rape. There's your authenticity LG.

Imagine this woman afraid to leave her home. Afraid to live, afraid to die. And imagine the impact a bunch of drug-pushing Freudian psychobabble "professionals" had. They made her worse and worse.

Now, LG, just IMAGINE the conversation you think I should have with her.

Yes, I've assembled a team. Because I want her back the way nature intended. I did it, because she can't do it herself -- or at least claims to be unable. She lives in constant paralyzing fear and awakens in the middle of the night with nightmares. Yes, indeed, she needs someone around her when I cannot be readily accessible. She won't even answer the phone for anyone but me and her mother.

No, LG, I don't have control issues -- I have responsibility issues. It's what real men do: take care of wives who have been brutalized by animals.

I hope to whatever God may exist that she does, indeed, regain her equality. But NOT for the same reasons as you.

I do not deny that we all live with a certain degree of inauthenticity and self-deception. It's the human trait that allows us to ignore the risks inherent in driving to work in the morning.

So I am imperfect -- and so are you, though I appreciate your effort and thought.

Dear WoundPrettyTightly,

If your wife has been gang raped, then it's to be expected that neither one of you will have a "normative" marriage unless you both get some qualified help. I don't think that this forum will give you the answers that you expect, nor the counseling that you need. Even if your wife is undergoing extensive psychotherapy, clearly, you need some too. There is excellent therapy and there are wonderful therapists out there - not just "drug-pushing Freudian psychobabble professionals."

I really hope you both can enter into competent counseling,
The Love Goddess

and that is EXACTLY the sort of team I have assembled.

While wonderful therapists exist, I have discovered -- much to my dismay -- that they are not all created equal. I sat with her (because she wouldn't be left alone) while the first one told her that rape was only to be expected because all men have a raping impulse. I'm not a psychiatric pro, but even I'm smart enough to know better than to believe that's the sort of information you give a woman if you ever expect her to feel comfortable alone again.

I am unfortunately aware that in most cases where a wife is raped, much less gang raped, marriages end in divorce. That is one reason why I have put so much diligence into this. She is a superior woman and deserves a superior life. And, yes, certainly, I will need some (additional) counseling as well, individually and in tandem; because there are a lot of issues there.

But I think this has inadvertently highlighted the real issues why I have such a hard time enjoying sex with an escort.

Having sex with a woman whose real name I don't even know feels vaguely violative. It probably wouldn't feel like that to me if my wife's rape hadn't occurred. It isn't rational, but that's the feeling.

And I love my wife. Permission or no, I am uncomfortable screwing some other woman while she suffers. I can't allow her to make me feel obligated to do something like that because she has some sort of misplaced sense of guilt that she shouldn't feel in the first place.

Yes, I am a high achiever and yes, I am highly stressed. And yes, I need to deal with that. And maybe some of that is misplacing a form of intensity from one place to another and is unhealthy.

But as you point out, there are other fundamental issues.

I still agree with your first point: leave the escorts alone, at least for now.

given the details of your situation, leave the escorts alone. tough it out, be devoted to your wife and the healing process for you both. it may not end well hopefully it will. but you don't strike me as the sort of person that could live with settling for less than a complete and full effort to assist your wife with her healing and the both of you with healing your relationship.

i sincerely offer my best wishes in your journey. may you and your wife be free from suffering.

not just an hour.

You're dealing with so many major issues swirling around in your life that there's no way you'll ever enjoy anything until you can get your head into it.

I'm guessing the joy has left your life in most areas and that the sex is just symptomatic of the bigger problems you're dealing with.  In the meantime, rather than being an enjoyable oasis and release of stress, sex has just become one more thing with which you must deal.

I've never had your specific issues in my life, but I do remember executive job stress being so intense that I paced back and forth on my deck while on vacation, totally unable to disconnect from the problems I had supposedly left at the office.  I also tried having escort sex while in that state of mind, and while it was a lot of things, satisfying wasn't one of them.

It took a life-changing set of circumstances for me to see myself and what I'd become, and it took me years to process it all and emerge as the person I am today.  I think you're going through that phase right now, so I hope you're able to successfully navigate the rough waters ahead of you.

In the meantime, make your life simpler, not more complex- leave the escorts alone for a while.

When getting laid is a chore, it probably isn't someplace I need to be right now. I need an escort like I need a hole in the head. Not that they aren't nice enough ladies, but just not the right fit at the right time.

But I definitely need some serious decompression.

...relax and/or take your mind off all the stress, even for a little while?

Yeah -- I like ham radio, weightlifting and stuff. And I haven't had time for any of it in a couple of years. That's why I think hiring someone to watch the homefront for me for one weeknight plus one weekend day will be a good idea. It will give me a little space to do something outside of serving others.  

All responsibility and no play make WoundPrettyTightly pretty tight. But weight lifting involves some pain. (Not too much if you are doing it right, but some.) That, I think, can wonderfully concentrate the mind. It has to work better than trying to squeeze an escort in between meetings.

This escort thing is a wakeup call. It was a symptom, but not the problem.

It's like in the plane where they tell you to put the mask on yourself first and any kids next to you afterwards. You have to take care of yourself or you can't take care of others.

I can't enjoy an escort for a lot of reasons, some related to psychological garbage I need to clean up, concern for my wife, etc. But another is that sex is a two-way thing, and the savings account of emotional content has run dry.

So you're right BigPapasan, I need to get myself enough slack that I can enjoy a basic hobby so I can decompress and start putting stuff in the savings account again. I need some slack so I can get some perspective.

Thank you to all for your help!

1) HORMONES
You say it was not until 4-yrs ago that you began to lose enjoyment of sex.  Another way of saying this is that your libido has dropped.  

A reduction in free testosterone occurs in men as they age and typically starts to affect their libido in their mid-40s--an effect which can be more pronounced among highly stressed men such as yourself.  

Perhaps it is not emotional trauma resulting from your wife's condition, feeling too "wound up", or discomfort with the impersonal nature of a 1hr quickie with a stranger.  Perhaps it is simply a hormonal imbalance.  A blood test would give a clear answer.

2) NSA RELATIONSHIP
There's another solution between the Scilla and Carybdis of having no sex with your wife and disappointing sex with providers.  A no-strings-attached relationship with a "sugar baby".  Seeing a girl on a regular basis who is "kept" might offer you the physical and emotional intimacy you want without compromising your marriage.  And you seem like the kind of guy who would enjoy helping out a young women while you enjoy her company.  The tricky part is finding the right woman.  But with the right one, I would take that over fishing or weightlifting any day.  

Of course LG is right to suggest that the best course is to repair things with your wife and "live authentically".  But to the extent that this may not be possible or take a long time, these two options may be worth pursuing.

I'm not sure about the testosterone. I have the normal drive and perhaps a bit extra. But I can have the doc test it on my next physical next month. That might not tell much tho b/c men's testosterone is highest in august. I'm not mid 40s yet.

The sugar daddy thing has some appeal as something that might fit. I'll skip it for now though because at this point I am chaste until I can square away other issues. (i.e. no sex outside the marriage = no sex at all.) If, after other stuff is fixed, I'm still in the market for NSA, I think that has a lot of potential.

He is in control (or thinks he is in control) of EVERYTHING.  Giving up total control and being at the mercy of someone else may be different enough to ENABLE him to relax.


Maybe even with a gag-ball!!

-- Modified on 7/19/2009 11:06:34 PM

YMMV, but having a lady whose name I don't even know make me helpless isn't my idea of a good time. Not enough trust there.

My wife used to enjoy having me tie her up because it gave her "permission" to enjoy herself. I used it as a tool so she wouldn't feel obligated to participate so I could concentrate on her pleasure. (So light bondage but no domination or s&m) So I can see where you're coming from. (I can't see THAT ever happening again, tho.)

Maybe, down the road, when other stuff is more squared away, I'll look into it. I just can't picture having an anonymous woman tie me up as being anything but scary. If anyone were to tie me up, it would have to be someone I knew very well and really trusted a lot.

Calculus and sex in the same sentence is obviously an oxymoron.  There are millions of men out there who would love to have a wife that said go out an enjoy a provider when you are out of town.  I think you have two choices; 1. Give up the providers and wait to be home with the wife which is what you seem to be wanting, or 2. Pay those providers and enjoy them to the max.  Those girls are doing it for you - don't waste your cash feeling guilty.

i agree more time and i also suggest a massage provider. massage is a natural way to relax the body and ease tension with follow-up action or not.  It also stimulates blood flow over the entire body increasing enjoyment and performance of sexual acts.