I have been with my partner for 5 years.

We met through a mutual friend and the attraction was immediate and the fun both in the bedroom and out was sensational.

We partied,dined out had great times with friends.
We would have sex anywhere..in the outdoors,on the balcony,on the loungers by the pool,on the lounge floor on a sunday afternoon and a favourite memory was getting a BJ in the car while driving home from a night out.

This has disappeared...and now we have sex only in the bedroom and twice a month if you are lucky.
She says that she is still in love and wants to be with me and only me but I cant go on like this.
What to do??

Aaah the vagaries of evolutionary adaptations, wayneph,

The dopamine swings are gone...and humdrum reality has set in. Yes, she probably is very much in love with you, but her hormones are now primed for either a) a baby, real or imagined; or b) another guy to come along and tickle her brain chemicals.

This is such a common story that it has inspired countless theories, books, therapy modalities and attempted remedies. As a couples counselor, I do subscribe to the Schnarchian [don't you love that name] paradigm, which highlights the fact that sexual ennui is present IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP SOONER OR LATER.

The first thing to do is to discuss your dilemma with her and ask HER what you should do. What is HER solution to your sexual needs? Does she believe you should be jacking off once daily? Once a week? What is she willing to help out with? A mercy-fuck once every 3 days?

This becomes a joint effort in combating sexual fatigue, done in the service of keeping the relationship together. In polygamous societies, men just take another wife to whom they transfer their sexual attention. In our monogamous society, that doesn't seem to be possible. Hence, it's a tradeoff - if women want exclusive rights to their partner, they have to engage sexually, even if it's not always that fun. On the flipside, if your relationship is otherwise happy and there are no resentments, then what's the harm? Oftentimes women are reluctant, only to find themselves getting sexually aroused once the action gets going.

If you think the relationship is worth keeping then you have to begin an in-depth dialogue on the subject. Yes, it's difficult, but don't give up; talk, talk, talk, and GET HER TO STAND BY SOME KIND OF DECISION. That in turn will help you to make yours.

This is really tough, I know,
The Love Goddess

But "if it's not always not fun," as LG says, which is often an understatement, why do it?  In those cases, with an long-term SO, married or not, there is frustration, disappointment, and resentment, even if the SO is beloved in other ways.  But as for the frustration, who needs it?  Yes, people give in to the "larger good" and ratchet down their humanity, but we have only one life to live, and it's a difficult one rich or poor, and if we don't cut loose and experience the joy with compatible provider partners, who benefits?
This is a cry from the wilderness.

Then again, I'm the one who is one of the bigger proponents of divorce on this board, often going against the grain of many men who prefer to stay in marriages which are not based on sex.

One man's meat, etc.,
The Love Goddess

I'm married to a woman who can "take it or leave it" (her exact statement).  Menopause has not improved the situation.  She's become skilled at avoidance...  even though the children are grown, other activities fill her time & leave little or no time (or energy) for love making.  

IMHO, I agree with LG that you need to have a frank discussion that 2X a month is not enough.  I have read that one stays sexual by being sexual.   Tell her that you are a sexual being & you are not ready to give up such an important part of your life.  

You may not get the frequency you really want, but most of the time I've gotten back to once a week (with wife).  I never had the sponaiety but a planned date night is worth it if it ends with sex.

Best Wishes,
skb

in general is the problem?

If the former, then LG's advice and the rest is what you need.

If the former, then why not hobby along with the rest of us?

That worked out for me for many years (until I got caught.)

Would she, perhaps, even endorse it?  (Not that I expect too many women would.)

And the inverse goes without saying too- the longer you go without, the easier it is to not miss it, even for men.

There have been a lot of suggestions given on this thread and they're probably all worth a try.  But let me add a really "low-tech" one that's worked for me many times when I didn't really want to do something, even if it's not something you probably won't see in a text book.  From office work to housework, it's helped jump-start me when I didn't want to do something.

Essentially, the method is simple- start going through the motions until your brain catches up and starts getting into it.  Sounds simple, but it works. For example, I hate cleaning the house even though I'm a very clean person.  My solution is to start off with simple, easy tasks that I don't mind doing, like cleaning the mirror in the bathroom.  Then I use a little spray cleaner or start dusting etc. until I'm finally ready to face my nemesis- the vacuum cleaner.

And yes, it applies to lovemaking.  Even when I wasn't in the mood to have sex, I might start DATY, and after 5 or 10 minutes I'd forget why it was I didn't want to have sex (yes, it can happen to husbands too).

My recommendation is to start out with the little things you or your partner enjoy- the closeness, the holding, the caressing-  and in the process, rediscover the non-sexual pleasure of being with someone you love.

Then progress to little kisses- the affectionate kind, not the "I've got a raging boner" kind.  Go slowly and give her time to remember why it feels good to be with her partner.  Then, after her brain has had a little time to catch up and get in the mood, you can see if you can take it to the next level.  But you may need to spread the process out over weeks, not minutes or hours, so don't expect to have sex right away.  The key is to start rebuilding the pleasurable associations of being physically close with someone.

Essentially, you need to to allow time to retrain someone who has gotten out of the habit of having sex to start to remember why they might want it again.  But it's also important to realize that the high-energy, spontaneous type of sex that characterized your early years together simply isn't a realistic expectation for most middle-aged women.

In fact, it may very well be that her expectation that intimacy will lead to that sort of "power-fucking" you enjoyed when you were first married is part of what she's finding sex objectionable.  If you've got the reduced sex drive of a 55 year old, the very idea may be a turn-off, so make some adjustments.

So if that is your only objective or expectation, do not pass Go, proceed directly to the review portion of this site and pick out the lady of your choice, because you'll never recapture that type of sex with your wife. But if you want to rekindle a sexual desire in your wife that will eventually lead to intimacy, then it's worth a try.  You really have nothing to lose and you might just find your wife appreciates that you've evolved your sexual approach to reflect the way she now feels.  It won't work under all circumstances, but you might just find she's also frustrated and you just need to work it out.  In any case, nothing ever got solved by rolling over and saying "Good night."

to spice up the excitement in the bedroom. The cold against her with DATY (just the tip) provides a nice contrast to a warm tongue.  The thought of it may excite her.

Read a new book on cunnilingus or love making and discuss it with her and try the new techniques.  How about a neat new sex toy?  (Don't start with a butt plug first.)

Communication is great advice.  Keeping it exciting makes it so much better.  I have made love making at home more exciting with these techniques but I still hobby.

My wife has NEVER initiated in 20 years.  She has seemingly NO sex drive although she does warm to it & enjoy it once we get started. Lots of foreplay.  Has Os through DATY & intercourse.  The thing is to get an "appointment" with her.  
Do I hobby?  Yes.  Because there were certain experiences that wife does not do or does so poorly or incompletely that you'd rather skip.  With a Favorite Lady, I can enjoy the full range of my sexuality...  which is as much about giving as recieving.  
I have a degenerative Neurological condition.  If I want these experiences, I realized that I must have them while I was still able.  Perhaps my motivation is different than others.  
skb

Maybe you're not giving it to her... do you remember all the things you used to do to keep her sexually interested in YOU. Are you still doing those things? or do you expect all the hot sex to continue with out doing your part in keeping it hot, fresh and abundant.



-- Modified on 9/26/2009 9:42:48 AM

... I realize that we're on a hobbyist board, but I always wonder why it seems like guys always "blame the wife."  Sure, there are many times when this is true or times when the wife is on some sort of medication, but beyond this?

Yes... I am a guy, but lookin' at this from an outside perspective, it really seems like sometimes things never change.

You asked what to do?  You're on a board about prostitutes!!!!

You get one guess.........