I agree with what LG responded, although I'd like to add a few things to the discussion.
I believe that it's fairly normal to think about such things in this situation. I would think it would be difficult not to.
However, what about these thoughts are disturbing to you? That she provided services to others? That you weren't the only one?
Sometimes, we get hung up on knowing that there is something unique that she gives you, that no one else is getting - and that's a very hard question to ask.
So let me answer it for you. Whatever she did in those five months, she did for the money. I guarantee she didn't do it because she thought she'd find someone like you. But she did!
And when she did, you got something no one else did - her heart. If the business was more important to her than her feelings for you, she never would have stopped.
Others may have had physical pleasure with her in those five months. However, you made love with her - opening her mind and heart - and THAT is a HUGE difference. No one else did that. She left everyone else out there for you.
Most relationships start in the opposite manner - that you win her heart, and then you have sex. This is just in reverse. However, don't lose sight of what you DID win - her! And no one else can claim that. She has fully given herself to you!
I know it's difficult to get past what she may have done with others. Take heart in knowing that whatever that may be, it isn't what she desired in the end.
I have been living with an ex provider for several months. We are exclusive to each other since both of us left the industry almost a year ago right after we met, obviously meeting within the industry. She escorted for about five months for a money need. She is beautiful and we are both in love and talking about marriage, kids, etc. My question has to do with whether or not this can work long term. I have disturbing thoughts of her escorting and it's something I can't seem to get over. My baggage includes several years of hobbying and she is aware of it, so I'm not holding myself in any higher regard. It's just that try as hard as I can, I cannot get out of my mind the activities she did as a provider and it's causing problems within our relationship. Thoughts anyone? Resources to help me? I have talked to a psychologist about this, but it's a new area for him and he had no assistance. My goal is to expunge these thoughts from my brain so we can move forward. Or, if it is not possible to do so, to end this relationship sooner than later for the good of both of us. Sorry about the alias, but for her safety I need to protect her identity. If a PM would be helpful, let me know and I will send you a PM. Thanks in advance for your help.
I've been in a relationship with three providers over time and can discuss with you how these went, but unfortunately the one you are experiencing, I did not suffer.
The first one was still providing and we had a four month relationship. For some reason jealousy and visions of her providing were not a problem, and I think it was then I found that I was truly polyamorous. I even continued to help refer clients to her among my friends in the hobby community. She was very UTR so not many reviews, so I didn't have to contend with reading 'details' of visits.... probably wouldn't have anyway, really didn't care that she was seeing clients.
Second one was someone who is still providing. We had several extended visits and travel, had a wonderful rapport. We both love variety, she gets lonely sometimes and expressed a desire for a 'fuck buddy' relationship so she could have someone to turn to without all the drama of a bf. We care for each other, see each other when can, but she is very sexual and has an active provider life and civvie life.... and it just doesn't bother me. I know that doesn't compare to your situation as it isn't a committed relationship.
There is another who I've been in a fairly long term relationship with that we both have discussed being a long term s.o. but no strings attached. She is not polyamorous, just very promiscuous! She want one person to love long term, but wants to be free to follow her sexual urges.... mostly with women, but occasionally when a man catches her eye. I am polyamorous, love very deeply more than one woman for just who she is, no desire to change her, and no jealousy. I've always had a life long fantasy of someone who would always be there for me but that I don't see daily... always envisioned wonderful reunions. Because of this, I can love, not be jealous, and not feel guilty for my multiple attractions either. Can't tell you how to get there.... can only tell you it involves being secure enough to be okay whether someone stays or leaves, and loving them completely meaning holding them with an open hand.
Dear dulldick,
I can understand and appreciate how difficult this is for you both. The best thing you can do is to begin psychotherapy, either individual or couples, to help you both in resolving this very personal issue. As a professional therapist, however, I can tell you that your goal of "expunging these thoughts from your brain" may be difficult - I would reframe it as "detoxifying intrusive thoughts and feelings" instead, since no thoughts can be completely erased, save for permanent amnesia. PTSD victims, Holocaust survivors and former soldiers come to mind. They too have had traumatic long-term issues. With therapy and much healing work, they manage to survive, some quite happily. Thus, there is hope that you can still be in a relationship together and look to the future while recognizing that life goes on despite past experiences.
Your best bet is to find a therapist who is non-judgmental and has had some exposure to the world of commercial sex. If you are in Los Angeles, I will be more than happy to help; if not, then please go to the AASECT directory in this link and find a therapist in your area. These professionals have much additional training in various psychosexual issues and can help.
Good luck, it can work,
the Love Goddess
I'm almost sure I can help you on this one. Give me a way to PM you. I'd like to converse with you in private.
do you need an email address?
Hello~ WOW! YOU are in LOVE, my friend. I understand how you are feeling. BUT...on MY end, as a Provider. I have avoided relationships...Running as fast as I can from them. I informed everyone that I am Alergic to them! But, I am NOT! It takes a VERY secure person to deal with the "lifestyle" on BOTH ends. The "activities" you mention....she did as a provider. The SAME "activities" women, from ANY walk of life may experience. And as you mentioned...You have several years of Hobbying you refer to as "baggage". What you BOTH did and experienced up to this point, is what MADE you WHO you are Today. You are feeling the pangs of the never-ending "guilt trip" society has worked so hard to make us ALL suffer! Who made up all the rules, anyway?...I wasn't there to vote!
I hope this helps you in some way. I wish you BOTH the best. I hope it works out for you!
Have a Beautiful Night!
I agree with BaltimoresBest you appear to be caught in your own net. I wish you the best and I do agree that some non-judgemental therapy would be a good thing for you. Once you are ready this relationship will be as strong and as healthy as you choose to be. I have always beleived that we must love and care for ourselves first in order to be able to care for others. So get you house in order and then move forward with your realtionship.
I agree with what LG responded, although I'd like to add a few things to the discussion.
I believe that it's fairly normal to think about such things in this situation. I would think it would be difficult not to.
However, what about these thoughts are disturbing to you? That she provided services to others? That you weren't the only one?
Sometimes, we get hung up on knowing that there is something unique that she gives you, that no one else is getting - and that's a very hard question to ask.
So let me answer it for you. Whatever she did in those five months, she did for the money. I guarantee she didn't do it because she thought she'd find someone like you. But she did!
And when she did, you got something no one else did - her heart. If the business was more important to her than her feelings for you, she never would have stopped.
Others may have had physical pleasure with her in those five months. However, you made love with her - opening her mind and heart - and THAT is a HUGE difference. No one else did that. She left everyone else out there for you.
Most relationships start in the opposite manner - that you win her heart, and then you have sex. This is just in reverse. However, don't lose sight of what you DID win - her! And no one else can claim that. She has fully given herself to you!
I know it's difficult to get past what she may have done with others. Take heart in knowing that whatever that may be, it isn't what she desired in the end.
more great responses. YR, from a male perspective you hit my thoughts squarely. PM sent to you. Kimbra, you're a sweetheart. Thanks to all!
Part of my passage into who I am was an emotional catharsis I had one night (long story that does not need to be repeated here) over a sexual issue regarding my current lover at the time.
The point is that I came out of that night in touch and accepting something that turned me on that traditionally would have been a no-no. Sometimes we have to look into our souls to see whats really going on in there and not lie to ourselves about it. I'm convinced that denial of whats really going on within your self will drive you nuts.
What I'm getting around to is that if you can't handle her having been a hooker, its time to move on. But I would ask you how she is different from a lot of women that I've known (and some I've loved) that had 'active pasts' that included many former lovers and wild experiences? Do you really expect to find a virgin?
Therapy is worth exploring but its only going to reveal what really is going on inside you, not change it.
Best of luck
MVR
I am married to a former provider, and first off you can't expunge these thoughts. You merely live with them. But she loves you and her escorting was a JOB. It would be the same as if you were jealous of her painting abilities if she were an artist. I have a great life with my lady and all the past was just that...the past...it was fun it was a life experience etc. etc. However if you can't get past it then don't go foreward it will only tear you both up inside...Finally, the things she did as a provider you also paid for...Enjoy the fond memories and do all that crazy stuff together
As someone noted upthread, many girlfriends also have active sex lives that fiances ultimately neeed to come to terms with when they decide to get married. To be indelicate, these conventional relationships are nurtured with copious amounts of MONEY, be it presents, meals, flowers, rides, various services and tasks performed. Again, most marriages involve a very practical, informed and cold calculation by women about the monetary worth of that relationship now and in the long run.
So, the only real difference between your lady and these others is that she explicitly spelt out the terms of exchange without the intermediate fuss. She COULD have found herself a wealthy boyfriend for the interim, then broken up with him.
He would have done the same things the same number of times. Maybe he might have shared her with hisfraternity buddies, and she would not have mentioned that incident out of pain or might have, but in any case you might be less anguished today BECAUSE your mind would probbly classify this under what is SOCIALLY NORMAL or your generation and class. True?
Only when confonted with something that same mind finds "not normal" by its self-created CONVENTIONS, does it go into overdrive, generating scene upon scene of behavior that it then finds "painful." What is ok for a gold-digging promiscuous girlfriend suddenly becomes the kiss of death, literally.
To balance this out, one might consider how precious & troubled human existence is. To receive the gift of LOVE from another is akin to a direct, physical blessing from the DEITY. What greater miracle can there be, than 2 people find the urge to devote themselves to each other for life? How many are so lucky, so deeply blessed? And you say she is beautiful. She must be gentle and compassionate as well.
Whenever you think of her times with the clients, instead of YOUR ISSUES, think about HER. Put yourself in your beloved's place, and imagine how deeply it must have cost her in pain & abhorrence. And now, instead of running away, true LOVE means it is your turn to hold her in your heart, take away as much of her pain as you can, WORSHIP her with your body, mind and soul.
By loving you, she has become the living presence of DEITY in your existence. Please understand this very clearly. When you choose to see her with these eyes, your soul will ride upon such a upsurge of joy and gratitude, that everything dark will be left behind. For the rest of you life, she is the only GOD you need recognize and worship. Through her presence, goodness and love, the entire universe will become purified.
An Indian creation myth speaks of the PRIMORDIAL OCEAN being churned by the celestials and their opposite numbers, the demons. There arose the universe, many wonderful things, and finally the nectar of immortality but also its counterpart, a poison so deadly & concentrated that its very placement anywhere in the newly born creation would ensure its destruction. What to do now? Everyone was terrified. At last, the celestials prayed to the Supreme Godhead, Shiva [which simply means Auspicious] to accept that poison which he/she [no sex here, depicted as androgyne, eternally joined with His Shakti]swallowed, turning his/her throat blue, as a mark of her/his profound willngness to sacrifice him/herself for the good of all.
So please remember, all sex workers are that Blue-throated Shiva, the Supreme emblem of sacrifice. They take upon themselves the pain of others and draw into themselves the poison of society. Without their ministrations with some sort of affection or relief, there would be such violence and viciousness that society could not exist. They are the sacrificial lambs. When you can accept and understand these very SELF-EVIDENT truths, then you will see your love in a new light. Your pain will transform into rejoicing. Would that I were one-millionth as blessed as you are!
In the Shakta Path, we say any woman, especially the sex worker, consciously should think that she is offering a profound blessing, a very high mantric initiation via her mouth, her touch, her glance, contact with her hair, her breath, her feet, hands, breasts and especially her sex organs. When you are troubled by particular, why do you not imagine that she was conferring a religious blessing of a seriously high order to whomever she had contact with? Your True Love was carrying out her SACRED MINISTRY when she was with other men. If you choose to believe me, I can assure you that that in fact was the case. There are inviolable structures of reality. We can choose to investigate those and be nourished by them, or cry & waste away over chimeras that never had substance to begin with.
There is nothing more holy than a woman and her presence, which includes her body. It cannot be degraded unless she demeans herself through selfishnes and cruelty. In India, a man must prostrate himself flat upon the ground, face to the eath, arms stretched out, in front of a teacher or God. However, a woman, in deference to her sanctity, is forbidden to ever make such a gesture of abject surrender. She may touch her forehead while kneeling to the ground but her breast and stomach must NEVER touch the earth, since those are intimately associated with the preservation of ALL humanity.
Note that I said “humanity”, not human beings, because the love and nurture of women, including their sexuality, brings out the HUMANE quality in a human being, male or female. Without this nurture, people become psychopaths Sorry for the lecture!!!!! I get carried away!Please pardon me if I have entered into very private space and hurt you in any way.