Hey, my first question to the Goddess, this could be fun.

My life is basically long periods of boredom at my office surrounded by periods of complete chaos in my off hours life. Between being a coach/dad/husband/go to guy for everything, I'm spent. I'm constantly being pulled in a thousand directions so my big head cannot always relax when it's time for the little head to have fun. My hobby history consists of unbelievably wonderful encounters (when I'm relaxed) to frustration (certainly not the ladies fault and therefor not reflected in reviews) because I can't stop thinking about shit that you should not be thinking about in the presence of a wonderful woman who wants to please you.

Forgive me here LG, but sometimes I just can't fucking relax when its time to fucking relax! How do I turn the big head off and have a good time?

NSF

Thou art forgiven, notsofast,

And our collective empathy goes out to you! Aaah, the vagaries of modern life! The big head, constantly occupied, while the small head desperately tries to catch up .

Although I don't know what 'shit' you're thinking about 'in the presence of a wonderful woman' and getting your little head sidetracked, perhaps the content has to change to something a little more interesting than just manure. Then again, as you state, it's not always happening, so during those times, what's your big head doing then?

I'm also wondering what you're thinking during your intense periods of boredom at your office. Any sexual thoughts, perhaps? Phantasies? One way of getting the big head to relax is to continue fantasizing when you meet the lady, but also verbalizing those delicious thoughts. Talking dirty can be incredibly exciting for everyone involved!

Another way of going about it would be for the lady to give you a nice rubdown before engaging in the hot'n'heavy. Overwhelming research has shown that non-sexual, physical touch is relaxing and lowers the blood pressure. While you're being kneaded, start letting go of your thoughts. Begin to focus strictly on what's being done to you. Let her turn the rubdown into erotic activity. Let yourself be overtaken. Above all, let go of the notion that you have to 'perform' in some way. Sometimes a passive beginning is OK...you'll be able to switch into active mode easier that way.

Let's hear the other heads talking,
the Love Goddess

Tantra involves massage and more.  Deep breathing, bath ceremonies and manipulations of the body that are geared towards erotic response.

I'm a great believer in it.  Like you, I often found myself concentrating on minutia like the office or home while with a provider and felt that I was cheating myself out of the experience I wanted, even though the provider was gorgeous and very talented as well as willing.

Go to goddesstemple.com. There are over fifty goddesses who travel to major cities all over the US listed there.  There's bound to be one coming to your town soon; or try using the search feature on the TER review area for tantra.

I guess the shit I'm thinking about is the same stuff that keeps me awake at night. Most of it is unimportant, but some is legitimate, stress causing BS that normal working adults have to deal with. All kinds of thoughts rattle around my little brain.

Imagine me, after all the build up to meet this this hot, sweet, wonderful provider, then not being able to turn off these thoughts. Imagine laying back getting this great blowjob, and my mind starts wandering to a late expense report or tax appointment the next day or running a bunt drill a this afternoons practice (can't believe I just wrote that - Flame away, I deserve it). I just can't disconnect. This does not affect blood flow, if you know what I mean, I just think it diminishes my overall enjoyment.

And the dead times at the office, I'm a guy, all we do is think about sex and spend way too much time on this goddam website.

I have an extended appointment today with a true GFE provider. This is the first day in a long time that I have virtually no place to be and nobody needing a piece of me. I'm going to try my best to just relax and have a good time and let the little head do all the thinking.

NSF

But in this case, you may be right. Minutia perfectly describes the thoughts that flutter around, like white noise, always there. I could remove down and dirty sex in exchange for a truly relaxing experience.

NSF

Smoke a fuckin' fattie before each encounter!  

Works for me...

Sully

I'm always thinking about, and most of the time worrying about, something.  I've been like this as long as I can remember.  Not sure if you have any familiarity with the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicators.  I've studied their work and used their testing instruments several times.  Without spinning off on a tangent, I've taken the rigid battery of this test 5 times within the past 20 years.  Each time I display a strong personality preference of Thinker (instead of Feeler), Judging (instead of Perceiving), Sensing (instead of Intuition) while I straddle the Introversion/Extraversion line.  Bottomline:  I'm pretty much wired to be analytical and I am a prototypical Left Brained being.  Hell, my BS and MS degrees are in mathematics and I'm wrting my doctoral dissertation in the Human Resource Development field.  My thinking and deep thought patterns are really a part of who I am.  

So my point is that some of us may be wired to be like this.  It does not mean that this tendency cannot be worked around but it might require effort of some sort. For me I tend to hit an internal 'pause' button that allows me to essentially postpone deep thoughts while I'm engaged in physical activity such as playing sports, watching games/movies, attending a dinner/concert or enjoying sex.  The funny part (or disturbing part if you will) is that I actually sometimes promise my conscience self that I'll return to the worrisome thoughts if I can get a mental kitchen pass to take a break and forget about life for awhile.  And I'm so freaking dependable that I actually keep my promise.  Yup, when I drive away from a great encounter with a lady, I sooner or later poison my afterglow with thoughts that are anything but erotic.  

As a side note...  I wonder if the Love Goddess ever thinks about how her or one of her colleagues retirement accounts could be bolstered if some of us ever vistited their couch ::  Oh the books she could write!!!!                      

-- Modified on 10/27/2006 5:34:47 PM

I real good hand job can beat a mediocre blow job just about any day, but there is so much more to tantra, and they'll nix the incense if you like, but the new age music stays!  

I've never had a true tantric experience.  I've been to a masseuse or two who've advertised "tantra" but it always wound up as just a poor massage with a mediocre happy ending; and I'd always go into those sessions a little tense because it was a new experience with a new masseuse and I never knew exactly what was going to be happening.

But I do subscribe to a damn good massage to check out of reality for even just an hour or so.  My favorite therapist always had some soft instrumental music playing in the background, the lights low, soft colorful, borderline festive fabrics adorning the ceiling and walls.  She'd excuse herself then I'd strip down, lie down on her massage table, and pull a cool sheet over myself.  Within just a few minutes of her return and the start of the massage, I'd be fast asleep and when I'd awaken, well, I was never more relaxed.  I always felt like I had the best sleep I had in months.  The massages were always from head to toe, too, all except for the privates, and I think that's part of why I was always able to relax so easily with her: there was never any tension, never any wondering if something more was going to happen.  It was always a massage, nothing more, nothing less, and always the greatest.

And now she's living in New Mexico, too far away for that weekend trip

Not So Fast,

May I suggest a fairly simple answer to your question, which I think will quickly solve your little mind problem here?

My suggested solution will cost you nothing, just your thinking very thoroughly about one of your own statements.

This was your question: "...Sometimes I just can't fucking relax when its time to fucking relax! How do I turn the big head off and have a good time?"

Your statement written above your question, the one which I am suggesting you think very carefully about, was this: "I can't stop thinking about shit that you should not be thinking about in the presence of a wonderful woman who wants to please you."

*Why* shouldn't you be thinking about "shit" (meaning your life problems) when you are with a beautiful woman?  

If you analyze it, your statement contains a hidden assumption: that sex should not ever be mentally associated with problems.

But (let me argue to the contrary) sex is, very often, definitely mentally associated with one's problems - as a temporary solution or relief to them!  

So that you can see what I'm trying to say here visually: go to www.beautifulagony.com  That site has hundreds of pictures of the faces (only) of women and men (mostly women) having orgasms. I'm new to that website, which someone recently suggested on a TER Board. There are currently two free 4-6 minute videos, of a woman and one of a man.  (You do *not* need to sign up, or give your credit card #, to see what I'm talking about.)

I would suggest to you that the people enjoying sex there were not hampered, as you apparently are, by the disabling thought that sex must be separated from life's anxieties.  On the contrary, I think most of people seen there, and men and women generally, are enjoying sex as a little *relief* to the daily anxieties they are/were already feeling.

If you keep trying, as you are, to *separate* sex from your normal, analytical, mathematically able, though worried, mind - that's *never* going to work.  And you'll keep getting more and more anxious about trying to get your mind to conform to what you feel is 'normal'.

So: try this little fun exercise.  When, in the next few days, you feel like masturbating, go right ahead and do so, just as you normally would.  But, as a personal experiment, instead of thinking about some 'wonderful woman' then as you normally do...try to think instead about all your problems...right at the very same time that you're feeling sexy!

That way, you'll quite quickly begin to associate sex with what it's meant to be biologically: *not* disassociated from your life problems, but, to the contary, as a relief to them.

Next exercise: the next time you're with your favorite trusted Provider, talk with her first, and tell her a little about your experimentation.  Tell her you'd like her to give you a BBBJ (or whatever else you really like) at the very same time that you are telling her out loud about some life problems you're having.  (Since she's a paid professional, she'll do that.  This is one of the advantages of our hobby.  You can have someone wonderful do what your SO or wife might not.)

I guarantee that you will find, as you're thinking about your problems, even saying them out loud, your "little head" will take over your "big head".  Sex (as you'll see clearly on the website) is a beautiful build-up of tension...followed by release of that tension.  So let sex be associated with your life's tensions.  That's not something to be avoided, but perfectly OK.

I've been through a long and expensive psychoanalysis.  You can try that route if you like.  But why not try first what I'm suggesting here.  It's a lot cheaper.  You have nothing to lose.  I'm 100% confident it will work for you.

Let me know any questions.  (LG, by all means, let us know if you disagree with me.)  And let us know, please, if it works for you.

In summary: you don't have to force your mind to remove your tense problems to enjoy sex.  On the contrary, sex is a natural resolution to tension.  The more tense you are, the better sex can make you feel.  It's nature's free psychoanalysis.

You may want to reflect also on the sociological pressures that led you to feel you have to purify your mind and feel 'relaxed' before you can enjoy sex.  That's a lot of malarky, in my opionion - currently popularized, but wrong.

Sex is the best drug there is.  It's meant to be enjoyed, whether you're feeling relaxed or worried.  Don't try to fight whatever you're feeling.  Just feel and enjoy, at the very same time.

All the best,

BG

I agree with the assesment that some of us are just wired this way. I've never taken any personality tests and quite frankly, I don't want to. I think in that respect I'd rather have my head in the sand than face the reality that I'm a worry wart kook.

I've got so many character flaws, quirks and addiction issues that even the mighty Love Goddess may throw herself out the window if I was ever to spend any time on her couch.

NSF

Well Greg, what can I say, thanks for taking the time to write your ideas and opinions.

I will look in on the site that you've suggested and will try not to fight these feelings of anxiety as you've correctly pointed out that I should. I think that the underlying problem is this doesn't always happen. I've had bouncing off the wall, no holds barred, three pop sweat filled sessions where my undivided attention was centered on my partner. I've also had these anxiety filled sesions where I could not concentrate and had trouble even finishing the first pop. In both cases I feel that I've gone into the session with a good attitude, but for whatever reason I lose the momentum and start thinking too much.

Now, as far as your suggestion of verbalizing my troubles while a trusted provider is giving me a blowjob or whatever as an exercise....Well, lets just say that one of my strongest personality traits is my sense of humor. There is no way I could keep a straight face or keep from busting up if I did that. Just thinking about verbalizing these thoughts while getting blown is cracking me up: 'That feels good, deeper. I fucked up the budget on that contract...Oh that's good...Little Suzy missed the steal sign again goddammit..Oh, I'm cumming..'

Thanks again for the advice..

NSF

Why not whiff an 8-Ball of marching powder while I'm at it? You can go forever on that shit. really though, I was more of a paranoid fucker than I already am, when I used to visit Mary Jane. Pass the Doritos..

NSF

NSF, Thanks so much for commenting on my suggestion to you.

Let's try to analyze (as we did before) this latest statement of yours: "There is no way I could keep a straight face or keep from busting up if I did that."

*Who says* (or what in your head says) that you have to "keep a straight face" while having sex?  It might be great fun for you *not* to keep a straight face...just as you say in your following sentences.

My point is: just go with the flow.  Whatever you may wind up thinking while you're having sex is absolutely 100% OK.  Even if you were to think about *murdering* somebody, it's still only a thought (for which there is never a jail term, the last time I checked).

Ask yourself, "What in my personal or social background might have led me to come to believe that I have to think only certain thoughts while having sex?" That belief is clearly causing you a lot of pain.  And that requirement (that you must feel relaxed, or straight-faced, or whatever) will always and forever be unachievable, because it's not how human beings are wired.  So: just decide that you're going to abandon your dominating 'correct thought' requirements...and just enjoy yourself, whatever thoughts may pop into your big head while your little head is busy. You can practice this at home, if you like, to see you really can do it.

Hope this helps.  

Always have fun (whatever you may be thinking).  

BG

Well, NSF.  You may not want to hear this, but if you lie awake at night worrying about things, you may be a "victim" of clinical depression and anxiety.  My dad used to do that, and I did that for years.  I'm kind of amazed I didn't fry my brain.
You might want to talk to a "health care professional".  

I'm not being flippant, or a smart-ass.  When you get to the point that you can't enjoy sex,  one of the best natural stress-relievers, you could need help.  

Okay, flame me.