LG and collected contributors

I find myself in a situation that I have been in before, and it is uncomfortable and confusing.  I'm not too active in the hobby, been with maybe 5 providers, it seems to hit once a year.  Each time, after the meeting, there are bouts of guilt and concerns about STDs etc.  First time, it racked my mind for over a month, with numerous STD tests and ancillary guilt and nerve issues.  Each time it is easier, although there is still depression, guilt and health concern ramifications.  Married for over 10 years, with a kid, with a generally good home life.  Sex is OK, not that frequent and not that wild, routine is probably the operative word.  My cup of tea is not my spouses cup of tea in the bed category.  

Its been about a year since the last time, and the fever started to set in again.  I try to fight it, and actually set myself up to fail (i.e. not giving enough time to get a good appointment with a lady), although the thrill of the conversations and potential rendezvous is exhilarating. The fever builds and I find myself being distracted by the process of setting up appointments, researching here, and all that meeting someone requires these  days.  The ironic thing is that the few times I have actually seen someone, I can't really get physically excited, even though I'm at full attention with my wife with not alot of work.  Don't get me wrong, I completely enjoy the sessions.  Lots of DATY, and my hands get me close to finishing, and the ladies complete the task, either with their hands or orally.  (never had intercourse except for the first time, which ironically was not that good, although the johnson responded better).  The adrenaline is pumping leading up to the meeting and also throughout.  

So this time, I try to fight the urge, and cannot get an appointment with a lady that I want (probably subconsciously subverting my chances by not giving myself enough time).  So I decide to go to a strip club instead.  And lo and behold, get propositioned there.  Too weak to resist and pay much more for a hand job than a decent provider would charge.  Again, did not perform without assistance from my hand, which she finished quite nicely.  This may sound strange, but I don't think she gave oral, just a lot of spit, although I cannot be 100% sure because of all her hair.  Post event, some guilt, anxiety and health issues going through my mind again.  

My question is, why do I find myself here again.  This cycle almost seems addictive to me.  The idea of being with a beautiful young woman is so powerful.  Porn feeds it and I want to experience some of the porn qualities of lust (which I have never had with GFs or my spouse).  But when its time, there's no action down under without my assist.  I would just like to leave the hobby, but it seems to always come back.  Either that or I should just swing through the ball without thinking and enjoy myself.  Thanks for reading my long diatribe, it helps to write it.

Indeed, troublefightingit,

I feel exhausted just reading your posting...aaaalll this guilt, anxiety and negative emotional energy spent on something that should be uncomplicated and FUN - but clearly not for everyone, and perhaps not for you.

There isn't really a special way to approach going outside the marriage and paying for sexual intercourse. You either choose to handle it, or you leave it alone. But for you, it seems that it's not even the actual deed - it's the spinning thoughts, the searching, the phoning, the arranging and then finally the meeting, which then becomes fraught with performance anxiety and then later on guilt.

My advice to you is to lay off all paid sex for a while until your marital life really sucks and you either get a divorce and become single again, or decide that your sex life at home is so crappy that you can't handle it any longer. I suppose if you become desperate enough, you'll start seeing providers with some frequency. But for now, you are absolutely right - it's some sort of compulsion for you, and you don't necessarily feel good afterwards.

I wouldn't call you a sex addict per se - I don't believe in the sex addiction model. But I would say that there is some stimulation missing in your life, and you are trying to fulfill it by engaging in "thrill-seeking behavior." Whether it's with sex workers or by bungee jumping off bridges, clearly, your brain is in need of something that your daily life cannot provide.

I really would suggest some counseling/life coaching for you. With the help of someone compassionate and understanding, you may be able to figure out what that missing ingredient is in your life. If you need a referral, write back with your city/state, and I'll do my best.

Hobbying isn't always the answer,
The Love Goddess

I can relate to what he feels because this is how I felt in my early years of hobbying.

If it works to think of it as an addiction, then so be it, but what worked in terms of allowing me to enjoy the hobby was surrendering to it and not fighting it.

At first I was sure that what I was doing was wrong, and would ruin my life, so it caused a lot of anxiety, etc.

When I finally came around to thinking that maybe this wasn't so bad, and maybe even good for me, then the anxiety faded and was replaced with the natural excitement that a good sexual encounter should engender.

I freely admit I have an addiction in that if I stop hobbying, I am unhappy.  To that there is no doubt.

But I say so what?

The point, mrfisher, is,

that the OP doesn't seem very "happy" doing what he's doing. His discourse is permeated by some sort of compulsion driving his actions. As I've stated before, I'm not one to promote the addiction model, but there can be plenty of compulsive behavior involved in commercial sex. The most important question to ask when "diagnosing" anyone is: "Is it distressing to the person engaging in the behavior?" It seems that it is distressing to the OP, although the excitement factor must never be denied.

If you "freely admit that you have an addiction," it's probably not an addiction, since you seem pretty happy and content with the outcome of your behavior.

These are not semantics but diagnostic criteria,
The Love Goddess

It was not to get involved in defining what addiction is and isn't.

Instead, it was to point out that I was able to cure my anxiety by allowing myself to accept that hobbying was a good thing, not a bad thing.

To that end, the question can be raised as to whether an addiction can be "cured" that way.  But the answer to that question is not necessary for me, anyways.