I don't know who to talk to about this,
some of my friends know I escort but they've never done it themselves so I am desperate for advice from the "community".

I'm very worried about him. He's been dispondent and made a comment about wanting to run till his heart explodes at the "thought of sharing me".
He was sexually abused as a kid & abuser guy gave him money to buy his silence, so I think that plays a part in his twisted view of the whole occupation. It makes me feel horrible thinking he's suffering, and if anything happened I'd never forgive myself.

Yes, he's married w/ a kid, we've carrying on for a year, and he says he loves me.
I know logically it's hypocritical of him to
ask me to stop escorting, when he's given me no time frame for a divorce.
He says I deserve someone who's single, but then admits that would hurt him as well.
So I haven't even looked at another man to date since we've met!
He said "I don't even think you care about me sometimes",...WELL I moved 3000 miles, put up with having my hand pushed aside when we are in public, and called names behind my back by his friends. I left his town, then he begged me to come back.

He expects me to stop my work, barely get by at an 8$ an hour dayjob, and wait 5 years until his kid is 18. He doesn't have a steady job, cheated on her before, and she's smart gorgeous & makes 90% of the money.

And yet I still love him like a fool.
And I question myself if he's right...Should I stop if I really love him?
Nobody has ever said they love me before,
he did take alot of risks & showed me kindness I didn't know existed.

I told mutual friends to please keep an eye on him for any suicidal moves. I told him I'd always be here & be his friend, and if it's meant to be it will be.
Part of me wishes his wife & him would reconnect emotionally after this, I think he's just avoiding talking to her about how they've drifted apart due to life stresses...I'm from a divorced home, so it's selfish for me to put another person through that drama.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest,
please don't flame me too hard for what I have done.

xoxox
-Tayler

Dear TaylerLakeFL,

No flames here...more like a volcano that's just about extinguished, but still emitting some poisonous gases, noxious to all involved.

First of all, your boyfriend has some serious psychological issues, among them TRUST being at the top. The sexual abuse most likely plays an enormous part in his ambivalence toward having a solid relationship with one woman. It would be one thing if he were just interested in sex, but clearly that's not where his focus is when it comes to you. It all comes down to a lack of boundaries, confusion, possessiveness, lack of career focus (for him), and dysfunction galore.

My best advice to you is to STOP SEEING THIS MAN, because it's not going to lead to anything positive for you. Yes, you may love him "like a fool," but even fools have occasional moments of clarity - as you seem to have when you say "Should I stop if I really love him?" The answer is that YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, in order to ascertain what's best for YOU. If that's not at the top of your list, then you will be as confused as he is, and your choices will reflect that confusion.

Please stop seeing this man and get your head screwed on straight again. It has nothing to do with escorting - you could be the CEO of a multi-million dollar company and I'd tell you the same thing; in fact, I'd tell ANY woman what I've stated above. This is some sort of sexual fixation on your part, since clearly, you wouldn't want to be in the place of his wife, given a choice. The woman brings in 90% of the income while he cheats and doesn't have a steady job? Hardly sounds like a winner to me. In fact, RUN and don't look back.

As to his view of your occupation - actually, I find this the most normal about him. What guy wants his loved one to sleep with strangers for money? What guy feels comfortable and happy about it? Very few, I would venture to say. And if they do, they have to be able to compartmentalize and/or be able to distance themselves from the entire concept to such a degree that I'd wonder about that too.

My question is, if you're a secure and successful woman, why are you involved with this kind of guy? Why do you "carry on" with a married man for a year? Maybe you need counseling as well, if nothing else, to learn how to set boundaries and protect yourself from the many dysfunctional men you are bound to meet in this business. Quite frankly, that may be the best and most sound advice I can give you.

Change your own tune and you won't be dancing to his,
The Love Goddess

My true love is Beverly Fisher, a wonderful courtesan in Denver whom I met from a board and started as a client.

I wish her the greatest success in her noble and honorable field and hope she has many, many customers.

No sarcasm here at all, just want you to know that is how I feel, and I don't think I'm alone (Though I may be in a minority, but what of it?)

By the way, I think the rest of your response to Taylor is right on.

Tayler, LG gives the best advice, I'll only add a few things here from  the point of view of a married man.  I'll bet the following:

1) Your boyfriend will never leave his wife; she's the mother of his child.  And he's emotionally tied to his wife in a very different way than most men:  Since she supports him, she's also a surrogate mother, the only stable thing in his life.

2)  By your own admission he can't hold a job.  And he has a problem with your job.  No, sorry, he's not going anywhere with you--unless his wife kicks him out.  

3) But let's say she does kick him out.  Good for you?  I don't think so, for the reasons LG has already stated.  If he's with you and she offers to take him back, I warn you now that he will leave you and go back to her, back to the comfy nest, back to the family unit.  

4) Love is irrational.  I believe you love this guy and that's very real and I won't denigrate it in any way.  But you're not going to be young forever, and I hate the idea of you spending a big chunk of your life waiting for something that will never happen.  I don't think your story has a happy ending.  My Magic 8 Ball foresees heartbreak for you.   Better to take the heartbreak now rather than later.

Sorry, --z

You seem to love drama.  I believe the issue is yours, not his.

Indeed mrfisher,
She may be your true love, but she lives in another town (presumably) and you don't exactly take out the garbage together every night.

There are many different kinds of relationships between people. My impression of the OP is that she seeks a somewhat conventional and proximal relationship, where both parties live together and care for one another in a much more mutually resource-based union than the one you have with an escort in another city/state. Or are you saying that Beverly also supports you financially?

Just checking,
The Love Goddess

my Husband of 6 years (partner of 9) fully supports my escorting and does not "compartmentalize" it, rather it's a source of pride and titillation for him.

we share a home and a complete life, including taking out the garbage (which is normally my job, so unfair! lol). He is also the Head of the household, controls the finances and makes all major decisions, and by leaps and bounds the primary breadwinner.

while he is definitely a rare man indeed, it should be known that it is not impossible for a man to truly love and value a woman in this industry, and to be fully accepting and encouraging of what she does.

since your escorting is "a source of pride" for your husband, I assume that he discusses this freely and willingly with friends, family and colleagues? And is completely open about the fact that some of your earnings may be viewed as an illegal source of income? If so, he's obviously not compartmentalizing and is ready, eager and happy to discuss his choices with anyone who asks.

Just curious, that's all,
The Love Goddess

You are correct perhaps that living in different cities may have a certain dampening affect, but the core theory is the same.  I simply see nothing wrong with being an escort (in fact quite the opposite).

I am fairly close to at least three other escorts who are married or have long term SO's who fully support the gal's chosen career.

It is mostly as a result of society's discrimination against sex work that most recriminations against the field come out.  To that end, I would agree with the statement that having one partner in a relationship perform sex-work could be a strain on their relationship and perhaps they should reconsider their choices.

All I want to establish is that there is nothing a priori wrong with this setup.

my Husband also considers our personal sex life to be a source of pride...however for some reason he does not consider it appropriate to share juicy details of our sex life with all friends, family and colleagues. that line of logic doesn't really hold water.

however, and this is a big however, his close friends are aware of my escorting, and with them he will boast and beam about it at every opportunity. we are cautious out of necessity, but there is no shame or guilt attached to this or any other life choices we have made as a couple.

Can he do anyone who's willing?

Anyway I would be way too worried about your safety.

Good luck.

yes safety is a concern for absolutely anyone in this biz, and fortunately the way that i carefully select and screen clients and the other safety measures we take help assuage those worries quite a bit. my Husband does help me screen and if he has even the slightest negative feeling about a potential client, i will not see that person. if he feels a particular client has become unsafe or overly attached, he will step in and cut off all my communication and contact with that person. so he is very much involved. to be honest i would never in a million years pursue this hobby if i were single and did not have a Husband who both supported and protected me.

also we are not sexually monogamous, never have been, so i am with other men sexually outside the hobby and he is certainly free to have sexual relationships with other women as he pleases. the reality though is he is not one who craves variety in partners, someone really has to tickle his fancy and connect with him mentally for him to be sexually attracted. when he does find someone he likes, he will stick with that same person for quite some time. which means that while i have been many dozens of men in the 9 years we have been together, he has been with only a very small handful of other women.

there is some sound advice here... RUN from this guy... it's really that obvious.

Issues... plenty all the way around.

Not your boyfriend, of course, but I am married and am the boyfriend of a provider.   Yes, we love each other, and spend enormous amounts of time together.   But I can see things from a different point of view.

First, I would be very surprised if he ever leaves his wife.   I am not about to leave mine, and my provider-girlfriend does not expect me to.  There is a strong bond in  any marriage, and when there are children involved, they will always be consdiered.  In his case, it also appears he is not an earner, and he wants to do all he can to prevent you from earning a decent living.

Second, I can't really understand why he has such problems with you and your business.  I used to be jealous, and then realized that my girlfriend has no feelings for the men she deals with professionally.   It is, as she puts it, just a job.   if he can't separate those, then I suspect he is too possessive.

He sounds like a man who wants his cake and eat it too.   You may love him, but love will not pay the bills.   And I fear you are in for a bad fall if you rely on him for love and marriage.

somehow you have the best of both worlds.

I salute you.

OK, like LG said you can't talk with everyone about what you do, but that seems like an acceptable trade off. If we lived in Europe you could be more open, it seems arbitrary.

I've been in a caring relationship with a former provider for over 2 years now and I came very, very close to leaving my marriage in order to be closer to her.

What I found in my little journey is that you need to be very careful of any commitments made when the 'safety net' of the marriage is there to prevent those commitments from being acted on. When that safety net begins to disappear and you're faced with actually following through, one or both of you may find that you feel much differently. Another issue for you both is the guilt that will show up. If he doesn't exhibit any of that guilt, then he will be pretty likely to treat you the same way he's treated his wife.

The big red flag that others have mentioned is that he's using his wife's money to pay you to have sex and become intimate with him.

LG you should write for a major newspaper or be on a talk show, I've admired your style of laying advice (and needed tough love) in a unique, creative way since I've joined.

I also got many PMs with similar experiences from both sides that made me feel not so alone, Thank you all.

The lowered communication is getting easier everyday. He's calming down as well, not so sad or saying scary things.
I know there are some issues for being attracted to unavailable men I still have to work on no doubt. I decided to not change anything right now, stay distant friends, focus on work & my own social circle. It's not as hard as I thought.



Just to clear some things up if they weren't...He was never a client, I always paid my own way to visit, etc.
And to the high horsers who said I "love drama" and I'm basically the heartless demon Lilith while he's "just being a guy" and deserves a pat on the back for cheating...You're welcome, so glad I could assist you two get another notch in your post belt for thinly veiled misogyny.

the heartbreak u may suffer now is wayyyyyyyy less than what you will suffer the longer u let it go on.  there is NOTHING healthy in the situation you describe.  nothing supportive or functional or helpful to you.  

if u are healthy enough to be ok with this profession .... u dont need someone else sabotaging your good mental state.  

besides ... therre are sooooooooooooo many other fish in the sea .... throw this one back ... please for your own good.

"And to the high horsers who said I 'love drama' ...so glad I could assist you two get another notch in your post belt for thinly veiled misogyny."

If I was a misogynist, you'd know it.

Stating an observational opinion does not deserve an implication of that sort.  The fact is by your post it's quite obvious you do actually seek out drama.  You even just stated "I know there are some issues for being attracted to unavailable men I still have to work on no doubt."  In other words, you know that you seek out unavailable men - what else would you expect other than drama?  So if you do it anyway, then you're willing to swim in such drama in order to satisfy your urges.

Is he going to support you if you quit providing?NO
Is he leaving his comfortable marriage?
NO
Is he still having sex and sleeping in a warm bed with his wife?
YES? even if NO, he's lying!

If he leaves his wife in 5 years (or whenever)
he is still going to be the possessive, jealous a-hole he is RIGHT NOW!  Not worth waiting for something that just ain't gonna happen!

AND he will use this emtional blackmail on you every time you do something he does'nt like or something that makes him "feel bad"

YOU can't fix this one! END it now.....

YOU are better than this!

AND read the book "He's just not that into you"

Wow, I read the beginning but not all the posts.
This guy sounds like the classic passive-aggresive manipulator. His veiled threats to run or harm himself are selfish attempts to manipulate you.
Not at all the same, but I just got out of a 9 year relationship with a woman, who in many ways, did the same types of things. It's never easy to change the status quo, but in the long run you deserve better!
Really, Good Luck

Tayler,

Much good advice already offered.  But I would like to expand on one particular point.

The very fact that this guy has made overt or even veiled references to suicide if you do not comply with his wishes is enough grounds to end the entire relationship.  A very long time ago, I was the subject of just such threats.  And I mean it when I say "threats."  This is not a cry for help so much as emotional blackmail.

At the time, I was young (teens) and had to struggle a little while until I was able to realize what was really going on.  This person was playing on my sympathetic and caring tendencies in order to manipulate me to act as they wished.  The fact was they were playing the ultimate "atom bomb" card of, "I will kill myself and it will be all your fault" if I did not comply.

I chose to gently inform her that I was not going to do as she wished and that I wished her all the best but would no longer be associating with her.  Guess what?  She didn't kill herself.  She went on and found another object of her obsession.  For all I know, she tried the same kind of things on him.

The point is, you are not responsible for anyone's happiness except your own.  You can help contribute to someone else's life, but only they can determine whether they will seek joy, drama, or misery.

Conversely, no one else can truly "make" you happy or sad.  You simply have to figure out how much influence you will allow others to have over your moods and thoughts.  Some people are definitely worthy of this regard.  Most are not.

I wish you the best and hope you will make some decisions with consideration of what will truly (not simply superficially) make you happiest in the long term.  You seem like a caring and thoughtful person.  You deserve better.  But only if you chose it for your self.

Good luck.

Very well put lilli.

Awww Sweety,

Do me a favor? Don't be so hard on yourself. We really can't help who we fall in love with, however, we can help how they treat us.

Your married lover has absolutely lost his mind. He cannot be MARRIED and be jealous of any aspect of your life. He is in no position to be jealous of anything you do. His "jealously" issues are none of your concern. His past issues are not any of your concern either. Those are for his wife to deal with......don't allow him to put you in a position of his life saver. That is a job for God not you.

His attempts to tell you how you should make a living are bells and red flashing lights for you to move on. Unless he is volunteering to pay all your bills and completely support you finacially.....you have to do what you have to do to maintain.

Baby, he is NEVER going to leave his wife. That has nothing to do with you at all, he is a cheater...end of story. If he were going to leave his wife, he would have been gone. If he really KNEW how to care for anyone besides himself he would not be dragging anyone else in his drama.

I may be a little cold and non chalant about the whole situation, but set some boundaries for him and don't allow him to cross them.


Allure`

Tayler,

Having met you and knowing how sweet and innocent you are it is easy to understand how hard it is for you.  You see all the red flags about the relationship but you are love blind to them.  I've been in those situations where you see there is a problem but can't act on the negative red flags.  Follow your mind, not your heart.  RUN and completely cut all ties with him.  He will only hurt you worse if you stay with him even if it is only as friends.  Once a relationship goes sour you should always cut all ties.  He has his own problems and he is including you into those problems and causing you grief.  You are wonderful young woman and deserve much better than what you are getting from him.  There a thousands of good men out there who will understand and treasure you for the wonderful person you are.

Tim

Good Lord Tayler

Step back and read your message as if it written by a friend of yours. THE MAN (if you can call him that) IS A LOSER.  He is just using you--he is using his wife. The guy can't hold a job because he is a loser.  Can't you see that. Hang with him and you become a  LOSER.  

It is nice of the Love Goddess to try to give you all the professional help-she's great.

You need to break all ties--move to any city that YOU want---label his phone number on your cell equating the Devil and never answer it---get on with YOUR LIFE---if anything get a councelor to talk to so this doesn't happen to you again.

I know where you are at, to suome degree. I spent 2and a half yrs battling in a sense with myself. Torn in a relationship one that truly had no future.
I unlike you kept all this biz from him which caused me a great deal of stress trying to keep him at a distance, thats for another post though. Yet at the same time he was attempting to be controling, which would just never work for me to begin with.
Through all the BS I have had time since some of the dust has cleared to see where I allowed his behavior to affect me. Yes I allowed it.
Theres something you ARE getting out of this relationship, damaged or not. Thats what you need to figure out. If you are staying in this half in half out relationship as a haven for you, its not what may be best for you.
I have come to realize thats what I was doing. This can be a very lonely business. Not always but often enough. Many who work in this biz are ver  y passionate woman, we crave that passion and desire having true intimacy in our lives. Yet its difficult to find a man who IS ok with what we do. Are you settling for him so you can have that much wanted "connection" you so crave? I know with me I tolerated more than I normally would have. I put up with more than I ever have, as far as trying to manipulate the situation. Not abuse and such just a warped relationship. One truly with no long term future. I did and still do love him but know it was not right for either of us. I can not be one dependant on him alone. I am a free spirit I like my friends and my life as it is. He can never be one who allows me to just be myself. I gave up a great deal to have that intimacy I so craved. It was there but it wasn't true. It was only a piece of what I need. In this biz we may over compensate for our loses by being way too accepting of others short comings to get what we need in the long run we are only doing ourselves more harm.
I can't say thats what is going on with you, only you can. But I know I have now had time to reflect and I see why I allowed it to drag oon for so long. No matter what my job is he and I are not meant to be is all. Sorry to have rambled on...
Good luck what ever you decide to do.

Do you really want to be controlled in such a way. He is really saying, "I can't control you. There is something I want from you that I will get or you will feel bad and I might even die because of you"

I got to tell you, my last boyfriend asked me if I was impressed by the way he did not make any issues about me fucking everyone under the sun, my words not his.

I said, "Some girls blame themselves for their boyfriends inability to make healthy decisions when it regards prostitution. They go out and do any number os sill or stupid or dangerous things in reaction to their feelings. but I NEVER allow some guy, no matter how nice to dictate or attempt to dictate to me what I can and can't do with my body. It does not impress me that you don't bitch about how I live my life."

Your boyfriend has a healthy choice he can make: He can tell you and behave in such a way as to show you that he does not want to be involved with you as long as you continue in _____________ fill in the blank. It could be use drugs hooking serial killing going to church what ever. The minute he makes you responsible for his decision to do ANYTHING you have a guy that is trying to control you.

In my experience the guys like the high  minded free spirited independent woman that I am when I am working. But as soon as they clip my financial wings and I am now dependent upon them for ANYTHING I change and they dump me.

No get on with your life.

Im just reading this and sadly it sounds like a mess! hes not being fair to you! Hes probally NOT going to leave his wife either. Dont waste your years waiting on this man who is obviously playing hjead games with you.  One day you will see...free yourself of him move on, and find someone else better! You deserve it. Make yourself happy now, its YOUR turn!

 Sincerely, Sidney Starr