Dear Love Goddess,

Can you tell me something about "sex addiction"?

I just watched a very fluffy TLC documentary, and it has left me with many questions.  Is it "real"?  What are the danger signs?  If it is something of concern, what is the best action to take?  How does one find a good therapist to identify and/or treat it?

It seems ridiculous to think that it is a problem to give in to one's urges.  Particuarly when you are a healthy man and that urge is to have sex with a beautiful woman.

But the program made me realize that I can be in a hotel elevator reciting to myself a long list of why I really should not be doing this, and telling myself that I will make an apology and immediately leave.  Then I will find myself, about an hour later, shaking my head and telling myself that that was gonna be the *real* last time.  And oh, what deja vu...

So I would appreciate some guidance.  Am I just giving in to media-fueled hypochondria?  Or is there something I ought to be doing?

I'm not Sex Goddess, nor do I play one on TV.  And I'll leave her to answer your question specifically, but I will say this... don't underestimate the media's ability to take any subject and present it as utter bullshit and complete nonsense.   And society's demand to have everything in small, simplified packages that have no bearing on reality:  Sort of like Chicken McNuggets.

many years ago and here is what I decided:

We are all addicted to something.  I think that is a normal state of affairs.

The problem comes up when the addiction causes some other neccessary life function to suffer.  For example, if you are addicted to cocaine, at some point, even if you can easily afford it, your physical and mental health will suffer great harm, and your ability to carry out your other life responsibilites will suffer.

Sex does not cause such damage (as long as you take resonable precautions) and so the two questions come down to:  1.  Can you afford it?  (For me it is yes.) and 2.  Will it interfere with your marriage and other familly relationships.  (It did for me and I got divorced over it, but I don't regret it.)

If you have problems with these two areas, then you should not hobby and if that creates uncontrollable problems, you should seek help.

If you can handle those two areas, then relax, stop worrying and enjoy the hobby.

My wife often complains about my weight.   Sometimes, I say that everyone is addicted to something, and I am just addicted to food.  Her retort is that I should be addicted to something else.

I told her that I would become a sex addict addicted to sex with beautiful women.  She heartily agreed.   If she only knew...

Fluffy documentary, indeed, non compus animus,
Yep, sex sells..even when presented from an aversive perspective.

We've had fruitful and interesting postings on the topic before. Check out the link and see what you think. If you need more, just do a search on this board for "sex addiction," set your search date back 300 days, and watch the postings pop up. I can't say if you are battling an addiction or not. I also don't know if seeing providers is your only outlet for sex, or if there's an SO somewhere in the mix, and your relations with her are impaired. Having regular sex is not an addiction, it's healthy. Having an unexamined, non-communicative relationship with someone is probably an area for inquiry. But it's still not an "addiction." So it's not a simple yes or no in this matter. If you would like to see a sex therapist for an assessment, I can refer you.

In the end, I think you have the answer to your question. Marty Klein, PhD, one of the most politically active sex therapists in the world, and a guardian angel of our tenuous political sexual freedom, (see www.sexualintelligence.org) ferreted out this 2006 quote by Doug Weiss, head honcho of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles:

"I'm treating more and more kids as young as nine who are porn addicts."
Sex therapist Doug Weiss

Has it gone too far? Has it trivialized matters for those who indeed have compromised dopamine pathways and who truly are sex addicts? Those who have impaired relations with their spouses and children, diminished attention/frequent absences at work, money problems, social isolation, depression, oftentimes other addictions accompanying the sexual behavior?

We are a nation living in fear. Much of that fear has been induced by political motives. And fear sells. I don't want to get into politics, because that's not my role here. But one of my roles is to normalize behavior that has people fearful of being abnormal and fearful of themselves. Somehow my hunch tells me that you became affected by TLC. Or are we a television-addicted nation, and no one is talking about it?

Watch out for that CRT/LCD in your living room,
the Love Goddess

That is an interesting perspective.

The trouble is that what is (for example) affordable today may not be affordable tomorrow.  If something is an _uncontrollable_ compulsion, one never knows when it will suddenly become a serious problem.  And, when that kind of situation develops, it will be too late to fix the problem before it creates serious problems.

Maybe that is being too paranoid, but that kind of risk analysis is an important aspect of my line of work and it has become something of second nature to me.

Thank you for that link.

Your comment, in particular, about sex addicts that do not seem to be "highly sexed per se" and instead being involed in all of the ancillary stuff" strikes very close to home.  For me, it is not every night.  It is not very frequent at all -- perhaps monthly is closer to reality.  However, when the urge strikes, I find it all but uncontrollable.  That is, when I am in the mood, I will take every free opportunity to research and make contacts -- at home, at work, even wirelessly on my commute home (via mass transit).

Because of the infrequency of this urge, I do not feel it significantly impacts my relationships with my wife or my friends.  However, the talk in the program about the compulsiveness of the thing resonated with me and has made me uneasy.

I'm addicted in the sense that I sometimes spend money I should be using for other things. But I don't have an SO and cool providers is my only sexual outlet besides a self inflicted orgasim. I just wish I could afford to do it more often.

SG,
you write:"We are a nation living in fear. Much of that fear has been induced by political motives."
I could not agree more. Permit me to add, 'though that over time (say 2000+ years) the religious establishment has busily nourished and spread this fear as a means of control. Evidently not only in this nation. And the political establishment relishing any means of exerting control has been, and busily is, colluding with the religious establishment to perpetuate this fear, hence their control. The Europeans - by far a non-uniform lot - have to varying, but important degrees found some distance from the purityrannical moralizers.
Whether "the religious establishment" has its "home office" in Mecca, Jerusalem, Rome, Canterbury or Salt Lake City does by no means change the basic premise.

I myself, as a result of divorce and other matters, haven't had the same amount of disposable income as I used to and while I do hobby quite a bit, it is much less than I used to.  I do get frustrated at times, although so far the only real symptom has been some tooth marks on the furniture and I can always blame that on the cats.

The key statement in your posting, non compus animus,

is the "when I'm in the mood" issue. It has been my experience that addicts rarely talk about being in the mood per se. In fact, most of them are not in touch with their "moods." They are in touch with their "wants, needs, musts," and it's a lot more frequent than "infrequent."

Yes, maybe your job has made you risk-averse and "concerned." As far as feeling the compulsion to have sex monthly, you and I are in the same boat, I guess. My problem is called "ovulation" - or what's left of it, in this fiftyish body, LOL. As to your priapic urges monthly, I'd almost call that monastic!

Monitor the unease please, and see where it leads you,
the Love Goddess

The best definition I ever heard for addiction was any elective activity that interfered with your life that you could not stop totally at any chosen time.  There was no corelation with amount or length of activity - i.e. someone who drinks rarely but binges when they do vs someone who had to have that "noon bloom" every day.  If you or someone wants you to stop and you cannot, you are addicted.

This a a great thread. I have spent almost $250,000 on this hobby. You name it, I found it and then hired it. I treid to stop on numerous occasions but could not. I was having this addiction debate inside my head and after some research, I determined that I met the criteria for an adict.

So I am in a hotel...getting dressed after having another great time and there was a loud pounding on the door. It was the manager with a bell-hop coming to "evict" the escort because the bill had not been paid. I am tring to get dressed to get the heck out of there under the bemused eye of the manager. I was mortified!

Initially I thought that it was the police. I scared the shit out of me enough to get me to take 3 weeks off and counting! I have only been window shopping ever since.

for so courageously sharing your story. Yes indeed, that would qualify for sex addiction. You tried to stop,  you wanted to stop and couldn't.

Your incident may have been of the 'hit-bottom' variety. Or, you may just have been scared off, and become triggered to start again. It might be worth checking out a Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous 12-step meeting in your area to keep it up.

Please let us know how you're doing,
the Love Goddess