I'm having a problem. Performance anxiety. Bad.
Had the problem when younger, but overcame it after being in a good relationship for a bit with a patient girlfriend. One day I managed to complete the act, and there was no looking back. Never happened again, though there were early signs of ED even as a fairly young guy (late 20's).
Now in my 40's, and Viagra (and later exercise and getting in good shape) did the trick in taking care of the ED. But I admit it's been a long time since I'd been with anyone (by choice, not necessarily lack of options). Starting off, I had zero problem maintaining erecion for the BJ to completion. After a couple hours break, we went for FS. I'd taken a 1/4 tab of Viagra which usually leaves me hard as I could want to get. But when it came time to do the deed, after penetration I quickly lost my erection. Completely shocked me as performance anxiety was the absolute furthest thing from my mind at the time.
I now realize I'm not a young stud anymore, and a second pop via FS with condom was probably not very condusive to maintaining an erection. But the lack of performance rocked me, and not in a good way. Now it's on the brain all the time, and I'm having a hard time maintaining an erection at all, even with the "help" of Viagra. It's the old "self fulfilling prophecy" at work. It's taken me over, and instead of looking forward to my next meet with a very lovely provider who I'm very comfortable with, all I do is fear it because of worries about performance.
It's not so much a physical problem, in as much as Viagra has completely taken care of that aspect of it...for all and anything but FS.
Tips or suggestions? Willing to try about anything. Even thought of trying hypnosis out of desperation! Spending that kind of dough on relatively infrequent visits with a provider, and not being able to "seal the deal" is extremely frustrating. The more I think about it, the worse it gets, and then I worry about it more, etc., etc., etc. It's pretty much all consuming at this point, and I've no idea how to climb my way out of this without a patient woman sharing my bed nightly. Groan.
What to do?
Indeed, bobbik,
One of the things you can do is try paradoxical intention, i.e. go to your appointment with the intent of NOT getting erect. In fact, defocus on it completely. Thinking that you HAVE to perform because you are paying for it is probably the worst thing for this issue.
Another is to meet with the same woman over and over again strictly PLATONICALLY (some ladies have a non-sexual rate) in order to habituate yourself and to excite yourself "naturally." If you really want to get over this, "infrequent" visits with providers are definitely not going to cut it, since the lack of frequency sets up expectations that become difficult to fulfill.
Another issue is the expectation of a shorter refractory period: "Starting off, I had zero problem maintaining erecion for the BJ to completion. After a couple hours break, we went for FS." With age comes longer refractory periods - for some guys, it can easily take a day or two before they get get erections anew. It may be that this is what has changed for you, I don't know. But calling it "lack of performance" does indeed sound very negativistic and self-defeating. I don't see how this could be the case, when you stayed erect through the BJ (covered, I assume, since you're not calling it BBBJ) to completion. You may just need to take longer before upping againg. There's nothing wrong with it. If you keep thinking that it's so catastrophic, how are you going to deal with getting REALLY old and experiencing different ejaculatory patterns? Nothing stays the same - we have to remind ourselves of this fact. And that's why our psychosexual repertoire may have to change to keep in tune with the body.
Another issue may be the ED med you are taking. You may want to try a different dosage or even a different version, such as Levitra or Cialis. Please check with your physician to obtain samples and to discuss your situation. As for hypnosis, it may have some relaxation benefits. Just be sure to visit with a hypnotherapist that is in tune with sexual matters.
Finally, it seems that you do have "options," and that you haven't been spending time with someone "by choice." Maybe it's time to rethink those options a little. There may be "a patient woman" in there that may work out for you in the long run.
Good luck,
the Love Goddess
I take 50mg of Viagra-half a tab if you are getting the 100mg tabs. 25mg was not enough for me. Of course everyone is different but it's just a thought.
for what it's worth, here's my tips.
Find a provider who is seductive and you have great chemistry with and book several date sessions for progressive 'as it happens' progress toward sex.
Start out with a dinner date in a secluded booth where with her eyes, hands, and kisses just tease the hell outta you at dinner. Either stop there or consider going back to the room for a tease/explore session where you explore and tease her body at great length. A lot of time then and at future sessions focusing on her body and enjoyment will be arousing and the focus on her will take the pressure off you!
Schedule a few more sessions where you only kiss, seduce and tease. At some point when you are so hot you can't stand it anymore, enter her but only for a few strokes and stop. Even if you are dying to continue (unless rock hard of course)- stop. If you are so aroused you can't stand it, have her tease you further with hand job, perhaps to completion.
But go in to each session with the intent of not having complete sex. When it happens and however it happens- whether by hand, mouth, grinding or camel slide, or sex.... it'll happen when it's supposed to!
Whenever you get to the point where you are having regular penetration, never stick with one activity long enough to lose erection. If you are not progressing toward orgasm, stop and do something else for awhile. The one sure orgasm killer and/or erection losing thing for me is to try harder and harder at same activity or her trying harder and harder..... gets self defeating quickly because the thought of trying to get off starts and that as you already know is no good.
Also in penetration, I vary all over the place from faster to long slow strokes, to pressuring down toward her ass or up toward her clit and g spot, grab her ass and go long slow strokes.... as much variation and multiple tactile stimuli as possible.
While I haven't suffered any conscious performance anxiety, I don't always have orgasm and sometimes don't stay hard for long in covered penetration. Regardless, I have thoroughly enjoyed every session because of the fun I have exploring her body, spending lots of time getting her off in oral, finding her hot spots. And as time has evolved, orgasm now happens about 90% of the time, and often when we have both teased each other in to such a frenzy that the resulting sex is eye popping!
Another thought is if you enjoy porn, spend a couple sessions just watching porn with her and fondling/teasing each other during.
If you are embarrassed about asking a provider to schedule such sessions.... DON'T BE! Believe me... any good provider and for that matter probably most providers would love to be paid for easy sessions! Also two hour or longer instead of hour sessions takes the time pressure off.
Hope that helps!
-- Modified on 1/13/2009 11:27:52 AM
-- Modified on 1/13/2009 11:33:44 AM