L.G., I have posted before and have gotten very good advice from you, so I am need of some more assistance. I have stopped having bbfs with a provider that I have been seeing. But the romantic feelings between us continue. I am confused, not about my feelings, but about whether I can trust a provider with my heart. It seems stupid, on the surface that I would even think to trust a provider with such things. But that is where we are. I have been seeing her for three months. There is nothing free, but we are in contact we each other nearly every day by phone, text, or e-mail. I don't want to be a sap, so I need some perspective here. Is this normal ?

Well gosh darnit, kingofsharts,

Aren't you just the statistic of the week! I was getting worried there for a while, but the 'I've-fallen-for-a-provider-and-can't-get-up'-syndrome is apparently alive and well. Now, I'm not as cynical as I may sound. I believe in love too; and why shouldn't you both have it?

So here's the deal: if you have decided to go 'all the way' - and with this I mean with your feelings, not with your genitals, you've already done that a bunch of times - then let her know that you've fallen in love with her, pure and simple. And then watch what she says and does. If she tells you that you don't have to pay and that you are now her boyfriend, then your biggest issue will be that you have a girlfriend who has sex for money and how you manage your feelings around that issue.

If she tells you that she loves you too, but that her time is available for the same fee as those she clearly doesn't love, then that's your answer. Provider or not - it's always best to be honest with your feelings if you want an honest response. That's not being sappy, it's being brave - particularly if you demand [nicely, but firmly] the bareboned truth from the object of your affection.

Find'em, feel'em, fuck'em, fess up to 'em,
The Love Goddess

apparently this is nothing new under the sun. other people have been there and done that, but i needed to hear it from someone with authority.
Again, i'm new to the hobby, she is my first provider. that may be it in a nutshell. the truth probably is that that she is a marketing guru who easily reads her clients.she knows i want affection, not hard core slamming, and she only wants to see a few clients on a regular basis. All the 'i think i'm in love with you" stuff is probably a way to keep me as a regular customer. And I must say, it works, at least on me. thanks for the perspective.

What *is* normal?

LG's responses are always thoughtful, knowledgeable, and helpful.  I'd like to add one additional thing to her response.

What isn't mentioned is boundaries.  In my experience, all the providers I've been with have them.  Every one of them had different boundaries, though.  I believe those are set between both parties involved.

When it comes to love and giving your heart, I would normally not recommend it.  However, LG is right - if you truly want to, tell her how you feel, and see how she reacts.

I have been in this situation, and have done exactly that.  She reacted that we could be that way, and she felt the same, as long as we kept it in our place.  We both have to live our lives once we leave.

Of course, you'll always wonder if that's genuine, or if she says that to all her clients.  Really, that's none of your business if she does.  For me, I've learned that I don't care.

As another poster so aptly put, "Sweet nothings that fall upon the clients ears are pleasant, and add to the experience, but he needs to either accept them for pleasure value only, or, if to be taken more seriously, condition that choice, by the presence of actions that lend credence to the words."

In my case, I do believe her words because of the actions behind them.

I think these cases are rare, but can be very positive experiences.

Feelings can be real.  She is a real woman and may in-fact like you as a client or even more.  Have fun and good luck.

a romantic relationship with a provider or ex provider is certainly possible but it's also difficult. You'll need to do a lot of self-monitoring to check for silly, addictive behavior and to make sure you're acting consciously.

Good luck!

Apparently, this HAS happened before- about every day around TER.  Now, ask yourself why that might be the case.

Take LG's advice if you want to bring some quick clarity to the issue.   You're lucky I can't bring myself to write another response to this question.  But feel free to do some searches of this board for a few dozen other guys who landed here with their common sense missing.

I have no doubt you are in love, but that's probably because you want to be in love.  And who wouldn't?  An imagined relationship with a beautiful provider can be anything you want to make it- even if it's all in your head.  

But you aren't her first client, even if she's your first provider.  So I really doubt she's fallen for you like you've fallen for her.  As LG suggested, there's an easy way to find out.

i feel relieved that so many thoughtful people took the time to give me their take. It is greatly appreciated.

This is totally normal...  to have feelings for someone we have great sex with.  Relationships with providers rarely work out but it does happen.    
That said, you need to get a grip...  maybe see others...  It is in her best interest to keep a good client such as yourself all to HERself...  You can not blindly trust her to act in your best interest.  Keeping in close contact with you MIGHT mean she's attracted to you...  or that she's keeping you on the hook.

In your wildest dreams, where would you like this to go?  Are you free?  Would you want her to quit the business?  Are you willing and able to support her?  Would she want that?  

Remember that clients who fall for providers are just a breath away from being clingy stalkers...  some providers will refuse to see clients they feel are falling for them.

This is breaking the rules...  NSA = No Stings Attached.  

I know these things because I have broken these rules, as have many here.  I had to take an extended break from a Fav lady...  I can now see her again but I rotate others into the mix.  

Best Wishes,
skb

ready to throw the metaphorical bucket of ice water on the lovelorn.

At the risk of making this about me (oh, what the hell, let's make it about me), the reason I have so little patience with these guys is I've been exactly where they are now, albeit a long time ago.  I lost control of my emotions, took the knock-out punch and made a complete mess of things.  I let it ruin many aspects of my life and emotional well-being for a number of years. It was perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever done.  And during this time, I shut myself off from the affection of several really great women because I was still "in love."

I believe it's true that our strengths define our weaknesses.  In my case I'm a rationalist (not rationalizer!) based on every test I've ever taken.  But it seems my rational, scientific, strategic brain is particularly susceptible to the lure of tits and hips- perhaps it's because they don't play by the rules.  Or maybe I spent too many years studying when I should have been screwing my brains out, or maybe female charms simply manage to leapfrog my logical side.  But whatever the reason, I found I was almost defenseless against feminine wiles and the emotional challenges of love.   And when I fell, I fell HARD.

So when I see my fellow male acting like (hmm, what's the word I"m looking for?) oh yeah, a total head-up-his ass moron (i.e. exactly like I acted), I just want to smack him and say "snap out of it!"  Yes, just like in the movie "Moonstruck."   Although a better name might have been "Dumbstruck", because that's how I acted -dumb.

So there you have it my friends, I represent tough love in its purest form.  I want to spare my fellow man the pain which laid me low for years.  And since I was acting pathetically for so long, I can now can spot someone else doing the same thing a mile away.  You can moan and whine, but you can't hide!

Yes, you and every other guy on here may have had some unfavorable (or is that rather down-right humiliating and destructive?) experiences when you fell for Your Provider, but it is different for me.

She and I have something special, something unique and beautiful.  We are kindred souls that have found each other across this vast and unfeeling universe.  Our hearts meld together to create a greater whole.  We don't have to wear masks around each other.  We can simply be ourselves and be comfortable with the knowledge that nothing either of us could say or do would ever pull us apart.  In fact, hardships and struggles will only ever serve to tighten our strangle hold of love.

Sure, I have only spent 5 one-hour appointments with her.  Yes, perhaps she has asked for a couple of small favors - cash and cars mostly.  True, I still pay the full donation - plus a hefty tip that she earns ten-fold over - and we haven't actually had sex the past couple of meetings.

But it's not about that.  It's about being with the one you Love.

As soon as she can get away from her no-good boyfriend, I'm going to tell my wife and 6 kids that I need to grow as a person and I have found my new life partner.  I can't wait to announce to the world (as well as to the rest of my congregation) what a beautiful and precious thing we have.  Oh joy!

I am sure that when I tell her my true, inner-most emotions, she will open her arms to me and let me into her world.  Of course, she will have to stop working as a provider, since I can't stand the thought of other guys pawing at her.  I'll probably only continue hobbying when I go on business trips, but I am sure that will be alright with her. In fact it may serve to spark up our love life which has suffered through lack of full expression.  I think it is those damn condoms, that's why we're going BBFS as soon as I can get her to answer my Texts of Love.

So, I guess my question to you is, should I go with the robin's egg blue tux at the wedding, or maybe something with a little more pizazz, such as canary yellow?

Thanks for your thoughtful and considered response.

WOW, YOU ARE A FLAMING ASS. Did you get this smart watching Seinfeld, or was it reading MAD Magazine as a kid? You either need to stop drinking or start. One or the other. The question was real, I felt stupid asking it, which I stated. But I have been to massage parlors before and years ago with streetwalkers. I have never even come close to caring about or wanting to again see a provider, or whatever you want to call them, more than once. It seems real to me, and if it isn't then I'm dealing with a person who I have no interest in ever seeing again. I know there are snobs wherever you go. I guess I didn't understand the honor code among hobbyists.If you want to really put your great analytical and sarcastic skills to use, place it on that concept, honor as a hobbyist. Now that would be funny.

I knew you'd come through for me!

And I think you are right.  The canary yellow tux will really set off her black wedding gown and the serpent tatoo she has on her face.

BTW, I am considering asking her to invite her doubles partner to be her maid of honor.  I'd LOVE the thought of our honeymoon three-some.  Should I bring this up during the ceremony, or after we cut the cake?

My post was a humorous parody response to G2's post.  And also, it was more generally directed towards the tendency of ALL of us humans to get so emotionally wrapped up in our own little world that we can't see the forest for the trees.

I meant no disrespect towards you or your particular situation.  I can believe that it is very confusing and isolating to be in such a position with a provider.  Where else can you go besides this board on TER to talk it over and get some decnet feedback?  I understand why you posted, and I do think you have gotten some valuable feedback from people that can relate to your situation.

The ironic thing about my post is that while I was writing it, I was saying to myself, "How funny is this going to be when I look back on it after I post my own, 'Help I've fallen for a provider' post in a year or so?"  Believe me, I am not immune from emotions or their accompanying turmoil.

With that said, I have sometimes found that outrageous parody can convey a message more efficiently than all the most elegant words in the world.  If you have read the Erotic Highway board much, or if you have searched for this particular topic, you know that if comes up VERY frequently.  It is a demonstration of one of the truisms of the Human Condition.  Love is a VERY powerful force.  I was simply trying to lighten up the mood a little bit.

I am sorry if my post angered you.  That was not my intent.

When I talk about the destructive powers of bad situations, I speak frankly because I've seen the pain it can cause, and there's no upside to be an enabler in these situations

I don't doubt the depth or sincerity of your feelings.  But I do greatly question the context in which you are experiencing all of this.  That's where you might benefit from the experiences of others on this board, many of whom have found themselves feeling the exact same things you're feeling, and not knowing how to deal with it all.

I really don't intend to belittle your circumstances or turn this board into a place where people don't feel they can share their innermost feelings.  So, to the extent I did that, I apologize.

However, when you see someone about to drive over the cliff, you have a responsibility to grab the steering wheel and turn them away from harm.  Of course, you're free to pursue whatever course you wish, but this is a public board so you shouldn't be surprised if others express concerns and voice opinions different from your own.

I wasted, and I mean wasted FIVE years of my emotional and social life.  Read that again and think about that for a while.  I lost a job I'd busted my ass for, I lost a marriage to a good woman and a small son whom I loved.  

So I think I've got sufficient credentials to tell others don't do what I did.  Everyone thinks their situation is unique, but it's not.  I've been on this board since 1999 and I've lost count of the number of men who have written the same post you did.  Each of them had the same strong feelings you do, but each of them had invested in an illusion of love and intimacy.  The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll be able to move ahead in a more positive direction.




-- Modified on 10/8/2009 7:02:19 PM

I appreciate the sincerity, but apparently my naivety is being underestimated and my common sense is being marginalized or ignored. My post was about romantic feelings, not striving to have a"real" relationship with a provider. I am surprised I could feel so strongly about someone who I barely know. That is the naive part of me. And I feel foolish that I couldn't see that as a "possibility."But that doesn't go to the heart of my confusion. It has to do with her actions, that have to do with her desire to want to have unprotected sex with me.( i stopped it, not her) And our discussions about her family and mine.She is not an American citizen. She is a college student who doesn't advertise her services, at least not for the last six months, and my real fear is that she is possibly wanting to get pregnant so she could stay in the us permanently. I don't want that. I just want this 'romance" thing to continue. But I fear allowing it to continue on a more personal level is a mistake. But she pushes my "romantic" buttons so well, that I fear being manipulated. Sorry that I took the sarcasm so personally. But my concern is real.

Get real.  The providers play to your male ego.  You pay them, you fuck them, they like your money.