So I am married with a 4 year old son.  I was seeing a provider exclusively for about a year and a half.  She was great.  We really connected.  She had 3 kids already and was providing to supplement her income.  I am not sure but I think I may have been her only real customer, just with the way she acted and what not.  Now here is my dilema....she got pregnant and had a son.  She had dissappeared for awhile then sent me an email stating she had a baby and that she believes it is mine because I was the only one she had been with.  I honestly do not know what to do here.  She said she just wanted me to know and doesn't expect anything from me.  And sometimes I put it out of my mind but sometimes I really wonder about her and my other son.  I have told noone of this before.  I am worried that one day she might go to get county assistance and name me as the father.  This would wreck my marriage and my life but at the same time I think about the child here.  

I am just confused as to what I should do

Dear mplskink,

I was waiting until we would get a posting here such as yours, and quite frankly I was dreading it...because yours is a question that deserves an answer which MUST go way beyond what this board can offer.

As a licensed, professional mental health practitioner, however, I can only say that you seem to have your head in the right place when you say that you are "thinking about the child here." Because in my professional opinion, that is who matters the most at this time. In terms of the Hague Convention which is undersigned by a majority of nations, it clearly stipulates that every child should know of his or her origins. Whether or not that will tilt your opinion in either direction is difficult for anyone on this board to say - since you are not here and we have very little information as to the rest of your life in general and your marriage in particular.

Now the bitter pill: As far as I'm concerned, you have "wrecked" a lot of lives already. By engaging in unprotected sex with a woman who now claims that you have fathered her child, you have put your own health, that of the woman's and your wife's (if you are having uncovered sex with her) at risk. You have no way of ascertaining if you were the provider's "only real customer," nor should it matter in this case. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? No, wait don't tell me (us), because at this point it's almost immaterial.

What you need to do is go ahead with a paternity test, period. If this turns out to be your biological child, please face your responsibility and act on it. And please get into psychotherapy as soon as possible. If you are not talking to anyone about this "dilemma," you will be soon...and you will need all the emotional support your emotionally battered psyche will require. In fact, please contact a therapist NOW, in addition to getting a paternity test as soon as possible. This is not the forum to make such life-changing decisions.

Go make these calls NOW,
the Love Goddess

I know the fact that she's pregnant kind of implies unprotected sex, but not really.

They've been having sex for 1.5 years, and if condoms were the only protection, I'm not surprised a pregnancy resulted. Say what you want, but condoms, break, they tear, they come off, people use them "incorrectly."

I believe the failure rate for condoms is on the order of 5% or so. Does this mean if you have sex 100 times, then 5 times there will be some kind of failure...

I personally would never trust condoms-only for birth control in any kind of LTR situation. The "pill" is a must. I always assumed most providers use the condoms not as main birth control, but to avoid his fluids.

Would you put all your trust into that thin sliver of latex?

Luckily for us ladies, and certainly basic knowledge in the sex industry is that when a condom breaks and yes, the sex turns into "unprotected," even if unintentionally, a responsible provider goes straight for this type of medication, available at the nearest drugstore or ordered by any pharmacy in major U.S. cities. Of course we don't know why this provider did not do so, or if something else happened - hence the insufficiency in answering questions like these on a board of this kind - but believe me, if the condom broke, don't you think the poster would have mentioned it?

Or not, I suppose, since anything is possible
the Love Goddess

Many providers who are not in a civvie relationship are also not on the pill. I had condom protected sex with my wife for five years before we got married with no pregnancy at all. She got pregnant however after we stopped using condoms and she started taking the pill...

taken within 72 hours of unprotected intercourse. It is reliable, generally safe and does work. It is not the same as being "on the pill," it is only intended to prevent a pregnancy after an "accident."

See link,
the Love Goddess

You should immediately contact the lady and arrange for a paternity test. To your credit, you are thinking about the child, the most important person in this affair, as well as yourself and the lady.

       But you are overlooking a possible fourth person who is very much involved. If you are not the father, someone else is, and that person deserves to know as well as the lady and the child.

  If you are the father, far better to resolve this now, accept responsibility, and retain an attorney to deal with child support /visitation/custody issues while the lady is friendly.

I think the OP has left a bit too much unsaid here. I'm not a mind reader but I would think that he would have mentioned a condom breaking. Since he didn't I'm assuming that he was having unprotected sex with a provider-a bad idea for both of them.

I'm glad he brought it to the forum even though the answers are beyond the forum's scope.

The fact is that condom accidents and intentional or heat of the passion bareback are more common than we all admit.

When I first started hobbying, it never happened and I thought with the 'high' level of pros I was dealing with it wouldn't.

However, similar situation to mpslkink, one night with a long time regular things just got too hot and she pulled me in bare.  Yes, I had a choice, yes both should have had clearer heads.  I was under the obviously mistaken impression that all providers would be on birth control.... no.  Plan B used, but still emotional flack after.

One time occurance....no.... happened again recently with another provider.  And a second time, she says after... no birth control.

Yes, you can get on righteous high horses and point indignantly at me, but stop and take a thought.....

probably doesn't happen often with providers not seen regularly.... but I've noticed in my own experience and heard from others that if there is great connection and multiple visits, familiarity begets aggressive camel sliding and passion and stupidity sometimes win.

If nothing else, hopefully his bringing it up will make us all more cognizant that it does happen or the temptation does happen.

-- Modified on 11/21/2008 10:09:33 AM

is not really the bareback/accident issue per se - it's the future of a human being who may have all sorts of emotional issues as he grows up. It is also a question of taking great responsibility for a child - or running away and ignoring the situation. And that, I believe - is not so common in the middle-class sex industry.

Thankfully so,
the Love Goddess

The failure rate of birth control is often misleading; it's not what most people would think.

One of the ways that the failure rates are determined is by studying couples using that method for a period of time.  For example, if 100 couples use condoms for sex, and have an average of 150 couplings in the space of a year, and 3 couples had a resulted pregnancy, the effectiveness of the condom would be 3%.  

The actual percentage ranges depending on the study and how the birth control was used; if the condom is put on correctly or too late etc.

As with anything, improper use often results in less satisfactory results.

I am sorry to correct Love Goddess on this point, but despite the propaganda of its proponents, Preven is NOT a contraceptive. It does not prevent conception, it causes a very early term abortion after conception has already taken place.

Such a drug is an abortifacient - it causes an abortion.

Not everyone believes that life begins at conception.  That is a debate we as a people have been forbidden by unelected judges to carry on in our legislatures.

But medically speaking, and apart from any questions of morality, Preven is an abortifacient, and anyone using it ought to be told that and also ought to be aware of some often harsh side effects of its use.

Dear Courtesan5,

This is NOT a forum to debate political opinions on abortion. Please take your message to the Politics and Religion board for that. But if we must discuss medical science, Plan B is a progesterone-only medication that works very much like a high dose of the minipill. Here is what it does:

Prevents ovulation (not abortion, that's what any contraceptive does)
Possibly preventing fertilization by altering tubal transport of sperm and/or egg (altering tubal transport is not abortion)
Altering the endometrium, which may inhibit implantation (altering the endometrium is not abortion - that's what the minipill does)

You can debate the properties of levonorgesterel(a synthetic progesterone also used in IUDs such as Mirena) with any scientist, but an abortifacient it is not. Plan B does not attack any embryo in any way - that is what an abortifacient does. But an embryo has not yet been created within 72 hours, and that's why Plan B works.

As for side effects - yes, there are some. Having used it myself once, I can attest to slightly increased bleeding. Having used the controversial RU-486 - a REAL abortifacient, I can attest to the experience being miles apart.

Let's not put some kind of irrational fear into the many providers who may be reading this and who need a real alternative to when the condom breaks.

And again, - let's remember what this thread is all about. It's about a child who didn't get aborted (apparently) and who has a father out there somewhere. Whether or not that is the original poster, we don't know. Hence, if you really want to "debate" something, why not discuss children whose fathers may be vacillating in their responsibilities?

Thank you - discussion on "abortion" closed,
the Love Goddess

I find her comment somewhat disingenuous that she has the altuistic intention "I just wanted you to know".  Now, I may have been born in the middle of the night, but I wasn't born last night - that is a bunch of bovine scatology, if you ask me.

I agree with what other's have told you, and would make a larger statement that perhaps, just perhaps, you are in "play".  The only reason she would tell you this is because she wants something from you.  If that were not the case, then why would she tell you?  So, to reiterate, I would begin by questioning her intentions.

I agree you should ask for a paternity test, but I would not at all be surprised if she tells you no.  Why?  Because it's all in "the game".

If by some slight of hand you ARE the biological father, why did she not TELL YOU before hand?  Why did she not TERMINATE the pregnancy?  You know, there is this landmark constitutional right women have to choice - and quite frankly - it was your choice too, if you are the father.

Now I know we're not going to get into some prolonged debate about the morality of abortion here.  In the days of back alley abortions with coat hangers, this scenario I might be more sympathetic.  We are living in the year 2008 and she had access to services to "handle it".  I would want to know WHY SHE DIDN"T HANDLE IT?????

Sorry, but this whole idea that it's ONLY a womans right to choice is a bunch of hogwash.  If you were involved you had a right to know, a priori, the minute she started her maternal blush or the second she vomited with morning sickness - and you had the legitimate right to partake in the decision to keep the pregnancy or terminate it.  Don't stand there sucking your thumb and wondering - how could she have bore a child, fully knowing, according to her statements, that you were the father, and never informed you beforehand - then come to you after the fact, and pass off this polly ann'ish aw shucks update - oh by the way, I had a child and I think you're the father - just wanted you to know?????  What fucking rock did she crawl out from underneath??  I would absolutely be livid!  There is no shared responsibility if there is, a priori, NO SHARED RESPONSIBILITY - said differently, the should be mutual consent.  And, in this case, if she is being truthful, which I doubt, there is none.

With the advent of choice, there is not only choice for women, but also for men.  Bringing a child into this world is not some decision that should be made haphazardly, but only with careful thought and planning.  It is a huge decision and a tremendous responsibility.  Moreover, it is NOT a unilateral decision.

Again, sorry for the rant, but my gut tells me there's something is terribly awry here, and you need to look further.

If she says no to the test, let us know - you'll need alot of support - and this is probably the only place you'll get it.

Best,

BS

-- Modified on 11/22/2008 9:20:26 AM

... was spent in the OR of a USAF hospital getting fixed.  From that day (well a month later) on I have not had this worry.
MVR

Evidently, political comments on abortion that you agree with do not merit your censure?

Dear BigSplooge,
First of all, we don't know, we don't know, we don't know what she said or did. Maybe it's not even his offspring. That's why all of this is speculation, and the only sensible thing to do is to take a paternity test. And that's why a board like this is not sufficient to resolve these issues...since we don't have her side of the story, we're not dealing with a full deck of cards...

Who knows what went on, really,
the Love Goddess

Dear Courtesan5,

There is no double standard here. I will not address further political comments on abortion - neither yours nor his. Your comment did not get censured, nor did his. Your posting is here in its entirety. What I object to is your assertion that there is an embryo within 72 hours of conception that gets "aborted" by levonorgesterel. Clearly, that's not scientifically accurate - talk to any gynecologist, even one who is against abortion, and you'll get the correct answer.

Having said that, I issued a warning to you to take any conceivable debate on abortion - since you brought up that people "debate" this issue - to the P&R board where such issues belong.

Next, we'll be debating dinosaurs outside Sarah Palin's window,

the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 11/22/2008 4:04:32 PM

well I am glad to see you are a bit concerned.
The subject here is Not abortion, or woulda coulda shoulda done this or that. It seems to be
What to do now.
I do understand you have other lives (your home family) to be concerned with, and yes, this may end your marriage and all if your wife finds out. I suggest you do the right thing and get tested, if it is your child, start setting up the appropriate support payments weather you wish to see the child or not, you have a responsability to this child.
You may be in a situation to funnel $$$ to her without your wife ever finding out, if not and she will notice a bit of extra $$ missing you may want to plan on telling her about it.
You could always say you got drunk and she was a one night stand. Who knows but you have an obligation if this child is in fact yours.

Sinc LG prefers numbers to be documentated, here is a link: http://www.infoforhealth.org/pr/h9/h9chap4.shtml with a biblography that gives the sources for the numbers pertaining to effectiveness of condoms in preventing pregnancy.

Incidentally, I have seen the perfect use figure of 3 pregnancies per 100 women in the first year of use (number of couplings not given) referred to as a 97% effectiviness. Personally, I would consider condoms as 97% effective only if all 100 women would become pregnant within the first year if no condoms (or other methods of birth control) were used. (No link, sorry.)

The Link below also gives a lot of interesting information about condoms, including effectiveness in preventing pregnancy and in preventing STDs.

...where you make the quantum leap that my comments on abortion are "political".  They are not political, they are de facto.

I am not debating the merits of abortion - that is not the issue.  The issue is really one of consent.

The provider in question has told her client "oh by the way, I had a child and I think it's yours".  Unless she's an idiot savant, she probably knew it was his the moment she missed her first period - or if there were many potential suitors - perhaps it was the progeny's nose was as long as his member.  The point is, IMHO, if she made the unilateral decision to go ahead with the pregnancy, then, IMHO, it is her unilateral responsibility to spend the next 18-24 years seeing to it's needs.

Though I am not an attorney, I would love to see this type of case get into the legal system because, I believe in this situation the whole issue of paternity is a huge double standard.  It may be a woman's body, but it takes two to tango, and a woman's unilateral decision to proceed with a pregnancy that is unwanted by one party (her male germ donor) should not obligate the unwilling party to participate if there is not, a priori, mutual consent.

There.  Enough ranting.

BS

Of course, BigSplooge,

If the provider has taken it upon herself to rear the child without any financial assistance, it's certainly her business. But EVERY CHILD deserves to know the identity of his/her father. In this day and age, with genetics being such a huge factor in personal health, children should have the right to know what "the donor" [if you will] has brought to the table in the form of DNA.

It's for the child's sake, that's all. Yes, it's not fair, but the fact is the kid is here now, and he deserves to know something about his ancestry.

This may be very difficult for people who are not adopted or offspring of sperm/egg donors to consider, and it can get very personal indeed. But as such an offspring myself, I can assure you that filling out medical forms where you constantly have to put N/A [and those pages are increasing as we progress within genetics, btw], gets more and more depressing - not to mention all the questions and emotional baggage that accompanies not knowing one's biological heritage.

That's where I was hoping the issue would go - toward the emotional consequences child who will grow up without any information as to his background, and a man who knows he has a son somewhere out there - not necessarily discussions toward child support payments and such, particularly if the provider may not want any.

Difficult issue to say the least,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 11/23/2008 12:27:00 PM

Did we read the same post?? You sure did read ALOT into the original poster's statements.

What do you mean "why didn't she handle it?" It would appear she did - she had the child. In this day and age of safe and legal abortions, it appears she chose to 'handle' it, the way she saw fit. From your statements it appears you believe she should have been held down and forcibly aborted if the father in question objected to having a child with this woman.

Further, unless you read some secret message encoded into the original poster's I don't see anywhere in this post where the original poster felt he was being in any way badgered or threatened in order to dig financial support out of him.

The woman did the right thing here. For good or ill, she has a child, and that child's father has a right to know that he has another child in this world. Simple as that. Strange as it may seem, there are actually some men who would want to know about a child they fathered, and who would want an opportunity to participate in the child's life. I know, that is just CRAZY talk, but there are actually a few men like that.

So why all the anger? Why would you be "livid" if a woman got pregnant and did the rigth thing in telling you that you were the father?

Side thought, I just remembered a statistic I once read that a murder is the leading cause of death among pregnant women. Perhaps I just got a glimpse of why that statistic is true.

Your last sentence says you are confused as to what to do. So here are my suggestions.

1.Mainly focus on LG's initial reply. Some of the other posts are emotional rants that are not helpful to you at all.

2. As LG stated go to therapy immediatly. If you live in the LA area see her or get some suggestions from her. If you do not live in LA find someone you can feel comfortable with and connect with.

3.Also as LG stated get a paternity test. You really do not know what your issues are until you get the paternity test. I can infer from your post that you really want to know if you are the father.

4. After you know whether you are the father and have a therapist you trust and connect with you will be able to cope with all the issues involved in this situation. Given the dynamics of your situation with the childs mother and your spouse you can still figure out what is in the best interest of the child. That will not automatically wreck your life or marriage.

If you get the paternity test and go to therapy you will be able to start sorting all this out.

Good Luck!



-- Modified on 11/25/2008 8:36:14 AM

Why did she not terminate the baby??? Bc it's her damned body and baby!