Lately I've been losing my erection during penetration. Before a session, I like a lot of buildup and will watch porn and "rassle" with myself to get in the mood. I'll do this for hours (no release). I'm wondering if all that rough handling could me making me insensitive when it comes time for penetration? A guy handles himself a lot rougher than penetration feels.

Or is it possible my brain's telling me I don't want to do this anymore?

Well, Alongtheway [or are you really OJ, since you like to "rassle," LOL]

Your brain surely is telling you something! All this porn-watching, "rassling" [tell me it's really wrestling, haha] and whatever other type of "rough handling" you engage in is neither natural nor desirable in the long run. Here's the thing and you know it: your pecker was naturally designed to go inside a nice, warm space, squirm around in there and detonate. Nuttin' more, nuttin' less. The fact that some men can go through some sexual, physically taxing self-gymnastics and still perform is a mystery to me, but heck, so are a lot of other things in this world.

What should you do? QUIT ALL OF IT, PLEASE, and go natural. Yep, as natural as natural gets. No stressing the mind about some kind of super-climactic release, no man-handling [pun intended.] Please, get together with a lovely lady, try to get into some kind of ROMANTIC [gee, what a concept!] mood where there is some reciprocal give and take that will influence your psyche and that will make you relate to the woman in question. You'll still be a horny, sexy guy, but one who responds with his entire being rather than just with his penis. Remember that the brain is our biggest sexual organ! If we tamper, we have consequences!

Yes, if I could postulate about your brain [i.e. you,] I'd say that you and your brain don't want sex THIS WAY anymore. That's why you'll need to try something different and preferably entirely opposite of what's been going on for you.

The beauty about sex is its variability. I don't care if you stand on your head, jack yourself off into a frenzy, or just whistle - if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, your brain will get habituated, with the effect that the E - R - O - T - I - C [big wurd, folks] stimulus will attenuate or vanish. And what is sex without eroticism? Boring, boring, boring! And that's why there are a zillion techniques in this world, all purporting to be the Holy Grail of screwing and curing all the world's ills. It's variety, and we humans need it. Otherwise, we'll all get into a rut, just like you have at this time. And that's when unexpected things like lack of erection during penetration and other strange phenomena will occur.

Of course, we could take a different tack here and ask if you are on meds, drugs, diets, smoking, etc. But somehow I don't think that's the case...

Break your patterns, my friend,
the Love Goddess

- So watching porn as a warm-up is actually bad? Is is a surfeit of erotic activity? I don't understand why. I like it and it gives me wood so I thought it would be good. I had assumed the physical act of rubbing myself was a physical desensitizer.

- Why do I lose the erection during penetration (and not when we initially disrobe)? Is the condom killing sensation? I've had plenty of sessions where that wasn't the case.

- How can I feel romantic when I know the girl doesn't really want to be there? I don't want to be one of these guys who falls in love or says "She had a really big O!"

Thanks so much for your time.

Dear Alongtheway,

Watching porn is not actually BAD. But it doesn't exactly help things when it becomes ROUTINE. Like I explained in my previous answer, anything that becomes ROUTINE is HABITUATING, meaning that your brain gets used to it and it no longer stimulates in the same way. Also, it depends on what type of porn. If you watch the same porn over and over again, you could get bored.

Yes, maybe the condom is killing the sensation. And self-stim is definitely a physical desensitizer that can numb your penis. And if your penis is numb, it can lose erection, particularly if it's sensitive to being encased in a condom. But it's what you are saying in your next paragraph that is the total Eros-killer:

Saying, "I know the girl doesn't really want to be there," and "I don't want to be one of these guys who falls in love or says 'She had a really big O!' is definitely not giving credit in the many fabulous providers out there who DO want to be there and who DO get turned on. On the other hand, if the provider notices that you're not really into her mentally, she may withdraw and show disinterest herself. Even if you are the payor and she the payee, having sex is a two-way street. One compliment, one positive regard feeds another in return. If there is reticence or even some aloofness on your part, that's what you'll get in return. I will tell you that the happiest HOBBYIST is not the one who pays the most or is the best looking. It is a man who knows how to bring out the best in a woman, meaning he shows her positive regard, respect, even some adoration, even if only for one hour. Such a man will always get stellar service with heart and soul included.

I have no idea with whom you've been consorting,  but rest assured that the MAJORITY of successful providers approach their job with gladness in their hearts and with turn-on in their mind. Otherwise they wouldn't be doing what they do, and do it WELL. This kind of pessimistic attitude is what's making you lose your erection. That, and the formulaic approach to eroticism.

No, you don't have to say "she really had a big O." In fact, you don't have to say anything at all, you can just quietly enjoy yourself. And no, you don't have to fall in love. That's NOT what I'm suggesting. Being erotic and being romantic is not the same as falling in love, although the two may definitely intersect.

My suggestion is that you get with someone successful, with great reviews and someone who isn't just about the in-and-out. A great provider can create the mood that sets the tone for a wonderful session, where there is no need for pornwatching or self-stimulation. Doing all that and then visiting with a provider almost seems like a waste of time. If the provider just becomes a receptacle for the final minutes of solitary activity, what's the point of seeing her at all?

There are some gents on this board who seem to have it down. From what I understand, they are of the more "mature" age category and they also seem to appreciate all women - providers included. I would bet that they probably have a thing or two to say about their m.o.

Let's hear from them,
the Love Goddess

I truthfully believe that the answer lies in what kind of hobbyist you are.

See, when I started, I didn't know what type I was.  I met with several providers that were as you had described: in it mostly for the money, wanted me to finish as quickly as I could, and leave.  There were many times when I couldn't stay erect under those conditions.

I am a slow, passionate lover.  I found that I need that friendly, passionate provider as well, and there are many out there.

I find that I am truly paying for companionship, in the true sense.  She isn't just a means to an end, a sexual object.  With conversation, touching, listening, feeling, I have some of the most intense sessions I can imagine, and it's great for the both of us!  I can go for many hours...and I know it is because of this connection.

With the right providers, what you put into it is what you will get out, and often you will get more than you pay for!

I really appreciate your time!

There is a huge gray area between the "women who don't want to be there" and you having to fall in love and with an escort to have a good time. The gray area, in this case, is where the fun is! Read the reviews here, spend some time reading the national and local boards and get to see what makes the good ladies out there tick. Believe it or not, the providers out there that are worth seeing enjoy sex and enjoy being with good men who treat them well and are truly interested in having some fun WITH a beautiful woman. As LG said it truly IS a two way street.  I've been hobbying for over 20 years and while it's true that not every woman I have been with has rung my bell on every level, my batting average has gone way up since I started using the resources of TER.

Now, as far as your problem....I have to be honest.  I do watch porn and "prime the pump" a bit before appointments and it works for me. I also have to mention that, due to high blood pressure and high blood sugar medications, I take Viagra and have for a couple of years.  I don't need V to maintain an erection during masturbation but I'm in big trouble without it when it comes to sex with a real live girl.  I don't know how my situation compares to yours since you have not talked about your age or any possible medical conditions but I do think it's something you should think about.  I agree whole heartedly with LG that a lot of your self-motivational activities may be desensitizing you. Penetration with a real live girl is not the same as masturbation or even oral sex. The additional physical activity involved in "boinking" may be putting just enough of a load on your circulatory system to be causing you erectile problems. If you are older, overweight or even if you just haven't had a physical in a while you may want to see a doctor.

I'm not trying to scare you, just passing on some wisdom that has helped me.  Get checked out and make sure that your problems are not physical. Then just relax, put yourself in the hands of the beautiful ladies of TER that are out there and enjoy.

I think the "gray" area is actually more of a "pink" area, at least in this context!