I have a client who has told me that his wife refuses to have sex and has been refusing for years.  He says that she loves him, cares about him, and is a great mom.  I'm inclined to believe him because he prefers to spend his time doing the PSE thing-- no kissing and no cuddling, just straight to the sex.  

I think it's sad that this couple has so much going for them except for the sex.  But on the other hand, at least their only problem (from his point of view) is something money can buy.  

So LG, why do wives start refusing to have sex after a few years of marriage?  Barring major health issues, I just don't get it.

Ask a wife. My wife told me she is not obligated to give reasons for not having sex.

not LG but i have a personal experience.... husbands also refuse to have sex. the reasons are likely as many and varied as the couples. a failure of trust in general. for instance...

disagreements over reproduction can be a biggie. i started to be unable to have sex with my wife when it became apparent that she was only pretending to use her birth control method. i've heard from women about guys sabotaging condoms because they wanted to impregnate her.

when there are such substantial disagreements and one side deceives it is a bit of a turn off.

Not LG but my take is that maybe they were never really into it in the first place and if they appeared to be, it was to please the BF and hope the BF became the husband.

Or kids..kids can be the biggest passion killers...or so I'm told. This is way too common and that prompted me to make a comment a few posts below as to the cruelty of nature and the disparity in the sexes' drive. Escorts don't count here.

Maybe in his case the PSE thing is exactly what the wife dislikes...maybe she is lacking the romance...hell if I know.

When their is a lack of intimacy, be it sexual or emotional in a relationship, it is almost never caused by one person. It is a relationship issue and both people contribute. If a spouse does not want to have sex it may be helpful for the deprived partner to reflect upon this.  What am I doing to contribute to this problem and what can I do to make it better.



-- Modified on 8/2/2008 5:06:52 PM

First, I'm certain LG will thoroughly cover your question. Second, if he doesn't know why, he is part of the problem. Third, perhaps PSE is all he wants from any woman, and that makes him, even more so, part of the problem. Fourth, there are so many, many reasons why a women will refuse to have sex with their spouse.

.... so many wives aren't sensual and won't acknowledge their husband's sensual and sexual nature. Thee are so many levels of compromise available beginning with acknowledging your husband is horny and watching / encouraging / helping him masturbate. This level of sharing and acknowledgment can be far more intimate than the sex act, particularly the 'PSE thing'. And then you can go from there....

MH60

Dear aRoseByAnotherName,

Well, all I can say is that if my husband didn't want to kiss or cuddle, I'd refuse having sex too! Thing is, since the wife is not here, we don't know why she's refusing. But I think this guy's statement may not tell the whole story; if she really "refuses to have sex," and he likes to just go for the mechanical stuff without any tenderness, what makes you think that he'll be different with anyone - wife included?

Yes, some women don't want to have sex, for many reasons. Mostly hormonal, some anger issues because of unresolved conflicts, some because they actually [surprise!!!] have the hots for someone else...the list is long. Think back on the times YOU didn't want to have civvie sex with someone you dated/lived with for a long time..what was the reason then?

Maybe her husband is a crappy lover. Maybe their relationship is full of predictable sex. I can tell you that the sex does dry up somewhat after being with anyone for a few years. The fact that men want to have sex with the same woman over and over again is more an issue of having a testosteronic itch and wanting to scratch it, than being wildly turned on by the same person over and over again. And, since women seem to want to ration their sexual experience with someone they've been banging for years, it sets up an interval reward ratio, with the guy trying to score every time [even though he may only hit the jackpot once a month or even less.]

The problem is that when men get sick and tired of screwing the same person over and over again, they either find someone else on the sly or go to prostitutes. With women, it's a little more complex. They have to engage their brain as well and be very attracted on many levels before hopping in bed with another male [if they're married and have a lot to lose.] So, many women feel that it's way too much work and it's easier to just hit the Hitachi Magic Wand or just forget about it. Hence, you've got two people in a relationship who aren't having sex with each other, mostly because it's "a hassle" for the woman to find someone else - whereas for the man, it's easier [his sex drive isn't as dependent on the totality of a person as for the woman.]

Also, child birth will do a number on women, both hormonally and physically. And, if they keep having more kids, they're forever locked in some kind of progesteronic state where free, unbound testosterone is suppressed. So no horniness, boredom with the same man over and over again...what's a woman to do?

Hey, I understand it very well. I swear, in my own relationships it would never fail. I'd fuck like a rabbit for the first 18 months or so, and then, like some chemical withdrawal, I just couldn't get it up for the guy again. He could be as sweet as pie, and I was just like a cold salmon, to paraphrase Woody Allen. It may simply be evolution - think of polygamous societies. The woman's hot for a guy a few years or so, then she pops some kids and then it's bye-bye sexlife, hello babies and motherhood. And that's when the guy goes off and marries another woman or gets her by the hour off TER.

Difficult to generalize,plus we don't know what's at the bottom of your client's story,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 8/2/2008 11:39:09 PM

Or she figured out that he is boinking other women and can't stand the thought of being intimate with him...

At any rate there is always more to any marital situation-namely the other spouse's POV-than what we here from the person telling the story...

I have little doubt she has figured out he is boinking other women. My ex had an affair many years ago when I was in grad school. Its not really very difficult to figure out when extra boinking is going on.
I can't place all the blame on my ex however. I was very busy with grad school and I'm sure she felt neglected and lonely. They moved in with each other and may still be together to this day.
I really enjoyed using the term boinking. I think it motivated me to reply to your post




-- Modified on 8/3/2008 11:43:15 AM

...god knows what drives a woman's libido.  Women are so often driven by procreation, whereas men are driven by recreation.  It can be influenced by so many things...depression, children, unresolved conflicts, preoccupation with trifles, etc, etc, etc.

But, chasten yourself, I have a cure.  There is nothing that will raise a woman's libido more than a  man who 1) lends attention to little children (BIG TURN ON!!!!)  2)  does house chores in the buff  etc, etc, etc.

Yea, yea, yea...I know.. such BS...but trust me...it works.

BS

Why can't they (we) overcome biology?  God is the ultimate mysogonist.

who do have the major health issues that you mentioned. After three surgeries, my wife came home from an office visit, and half-jokingly informed me that the doctor said that I'm going to need a girlfriend. There are plenty of gents on these boards who will tell of similar circumstances. It's not always due to some deep seeded resentment or falling out of love or any of the hate driven reasons that too many people seem to believe. Sometimes it's just the way it is, a very simple fact of life.

sometimes it is unfortunately the result of physical problems. I don't think anybody would deny that.  

-- Modified on 8/4/2008 4:23:10 PM

but you'd have to transition from female-to-male and take testosterone daily, in order to get a sex drive that matches natal males'....

Ask an FTM,
the Love Goddess

I'm sure all here have gottent he email that shows two buttons
"Male Orgasm"
"Female Orgasm"

Hit the male one and it goes on for about 4 seconds.

Hit the female one and it goes on for 15 seconds and then it says "want to do it again?"

I don't know about you, but if I could have an orgasm that lasted THAT long and then turn around and get another (and another, in some cases) - I'd be addicted!

Soooo..if that's true why wouldn't you want to get as much of that as you could?    

It's odd to me that it's usually the man that is accused of being bored with his wife / SO and then he cheats.  I find it very often to be (as LG as pointed out) the other way around!   The women get tired of the guy.

It's certainly that way in my house.        And I've tried everything - including bribery.

...and a refusal to have sex/please your Husband. i certainly understand the plethora of issues a woman may be dealing with that can decrease the sex drive, however imo this is absolutely no reason to turn around and shun a wifely duty. if a woman truly cares about her mate, and also accepts her place and role as wife, then short of some severe and ongoing medical or psychological health issue nothing should prevent her from pleasing her Husband sexually. sex drive has nothing to do with it.

last time i checked, i was still a girl. thanx anyway tho.

I think, there are two different types of people when it comes to romance.
There are those who are Passionate and Sensual and deeply Intimate in so many ways and on so many levels.
Then there are those who are not. When you pick your companion, the one you hope to be the love of your life, we seldom realize that the Passion we crave needs to be a shared passion, both need to be of the same ideal as to what we seek in our love lives. We can be compatable with many but sensually compatable is key as well to a wonderfully deeply Sensual partnership. Many times that gets lost...and the shuffle of the daily grind makes it toxic at times to remember what Our lovers touch feels like and crave it as we did before all the complications of life set in. It is work to maintain this level of Passion, and it is time consuming and sometimes, you just feel used up by every day life. It is work for sure but needed as well. Part too of having this bond not only is Passion but Compassion for our partners needs, on all levels. Illness, pressures of work, children and responsabilities can lessen the desire, or weaken the desire in that moment,understanding our lovers issues is key. If it is happening to him or her it is too happening to you as well, you are partners. Showing your ability to comfort in these times can rekindle that Desire and bring back the Passion that has been shelfed to make room for other issues.
She is your wife , the mother of your children, grandma to your grandchildren cook, maid, housekeeper, bookkeeper ect...but remember she was your Lover first. When was the last time you saw her as that first, before all the rest. And too you were hers, and if you want to feel like Lovers you need to treat each other as such.
Being true partners in a relationship comes with good and bad, we take the blows even when they are not ours, its life. But then again, if a partnership can maintain and sastain their deep desire for each other, all the little things, that can feel so overwhelming often seem less when you have true intimacy between you. It tends to soften the blows and help to strenghthen the bond.
So...go make love to your wife, your Lover. Rekindle what you had. Hell go bang her like theres no tomorrow...

Nicole



-- Modified on 8/8/2008 11:59:40 PM

If all else fails and she doesn't want to make love, what do you do then?

really you need to find out what her reasons behind it are and take it from there. There are many reasons why someone may not be interested at some point. What you choose to do about it depends on why she feels this way.

In the old days all she had to do was take off her clothes and I was ready to go.  I did a good deal of foreplay on her and then entered her.  A few positions by just starting at Mish then side Mish and then CG and in about 5 minutes she and I both finished.  At 53 it takes alot more work to get me to come.  A skillful handjob or BBBJ before and after work wonders but she is not willing to do that.  I even bought a book about sex with a man over 50, she read it and said that it seemed like she was doing all the work and just tossed it aside without trying any of the techniques.  If I were not hobbying I might end an otherwise great marriage.  Many of my friends my age just hang it up in their 50's but I am finally experiencing the greatest sexual experiences of my life right now.  Providers are angels of mercy and I am eternally grateful and try to show it every way that I can when I am with them.

Especially since I think I'm the one who recommended the book she tossed aside.

But I think Nicole makes a good point, if I read her correctly, and I'll add a couple more comments.  

To improve your sex life with your wife, try shifting your focus from the sex itself, to all the other things that are going on in the relationship that lead up to sex.  In other words, spend some time on the upstream issues first and the good sex might follow- at least I think that's basically what Nicole means.

We men tend to view the relationship in terms of how well the sex is with our partners.  Most of us get married to have sex if we're honest with ourselves (sorry ladies, but it's usually true).  And while I agree that sex is a huge barometer as to the health of a relationship, women don't share that view as much, because sex isn't the objective for them.  The relationship is the objective.  As a result, they look at all the other parts of a relationship first- the non-sexual things, and then determine if they want to have sex.  Whereas we men basically want to ignore all that other stuff and just have sex, especially since men often feel sex is the antidote to life's stresses.

Because for men, good sex makes everything right, whereas for women, good sex is the product of everything being right.  As life and love get more complicated, women will often find themselves less likely to want sex under the same circumstances that will make men more likely to want sex.   We just seem to respond differently to the same situations.

Even putting aside all the issues relating to the decline in female sex drive as they age, there are still other major issues that work against women having the kind of sex when they were young and carefree.  

So I guess what I'm saying is if you want to have better sex, quit focusing on the sex.  I didn't say it was logical, only that it works.  LOL.



-- Modified on 8/12/2008 12:31:44 AM

-- Modified on 8/12/2008 12:35:30 AM

Especially since I think I'm the one who recommended the book she tossed aside.

But I think Nicole makes a good point, if I read her correctly, and I'll add a couple more comments.  

To improve your sex life with your wife, try shifting your focus from the sex itself, to all the other things that are going on in the relationship that lead up to sex.  In other words, spend some time on the upstream issues first and the good sex might follow- at least I think that's basically what Nicole means.

We men tend to view the relationship in terms of how well the sex is with our partners.  Most of us get married to have sex if we're honest with ourselves (sorry ladies, but it's usually true).  And while I agree that sex is a huge barometer as to the health of a relationship, women don't share that view as much, because sex isn't the objective for them.  The relationship is the objective.  As a result, they look at all the other parts of a relationship first- the non-sexual things, and then determine if they want to have sex.  Whereas we men basically want to ignore all that other stuff and just have sex, especially since men often feel sex is the antidote to life's stresses.

Because for men, good sex makes everything right, whereas for women, good sex is the product of everything being right.  As life and love get more complicated, women will often find themselves less likely to want sex under the same circumstances that will make men more likely to want sex.   We just seem to respond differently to the same situations.

Even putting aside all the issues relating to the decline in female sex drive as they age, there are still other major issues that work against women having the kind of sex when they were young and carefree.  

So I guess what I'm saying is if you want to have better sex, quit focusing on the sex.  I didn't say it was logical, only that it works.  LOL.

Yes you did recommend the book.  It was a perfect suggestion.  I hobby so that I can focus on the other aspects of the relationship without having the resentment against her for rarely having sex with me.  The bonus is that I finally am living the sexual fantasies that I used to just watch on online amateur porn sites.  It's all good.

very true, and I do understand your frustrations as well as the issues with men over 50, my SO is there as well. ( don't think I am not benefiting sexually and emotionally from this hobby) as well as financially...
It takes patience and willingness on both sides.
Its Gods cruel joke or if you are an evelutionist, it still sucks.
You blow your load when the wind blows in your 20s and still rocking strong in your 30s, hit your 40s and passion and Intimacy is gained with experience and you are busy making life better all the way around, hit your 50s, you actually have time willingness and desire but its starting to slip away with your age, and your partner now has issues as well.  Damn it just ain't right.
I too gain a great deal from this choice of entertainment and career. My love life at home is great but too he's over 50...so I get it but we work at it , both of us, it's important to both of us.  Now he also, like your SO I am sure, has no idea what I do so there it's all good and everyone is happy.
It is as was said, needed to focus in my opinion, on being lovers again as before all the BS came, its hard but it can bring romance back in your life again, and where theres Romance theres usually some hot steamy sex!!! Good luck all, hell you can do as I do also and keep playin with other friends. So important to play well with others...xoxox

Nicole

-- Modified on 8/12/2008 11:59:02 AM

You make a lot of sense. Biology seems to be a tad on the cruel side don't you think? I can understand same sex liasons/partnerships as the two people involved at least are on a similar playing field with very similar physical and emotional drives.

Oh yeah genius?  What's your SECOND guess? I have done and continue to do tons of diapers, dishes, cooking, hugging, admiring etc.  Still it's once a month if at all.  Mind you she is multiorgasmic and loves when I DATY. Plus, while I'm hardly enormous she says I fill her nicley and have to be carful not to bang her cervix when we do "boink".  But she just says, "I guess my sex drive just isn't that strong"
Go figure

I am 54 and am in the same situation.  Everything you said Thebadass (you don't sound like a bad guy) applies to me.  I just have started to see a provider for the first time and it has actually improved my marriage or at least my attitude torward my wife.  I talk easier with my wife now and appreciate her presence more.  Why? because the provider provides me with something I have always wanted and had for a long time, that my wife decided to stop doing.  So, that minor slight but most always present resentment, carried over into my attitude of the marriage.  Now that resentment is gone and my attitude has changed, because the want or need is being fulfilled.  The marriage has got better.  Providers are indeed angels of mercy and I too am eternally grateful to the one I have started to see.