Hi Goddess

I have found myself in a 30 year old marriage and love my wife to my core.  The problem is that their is no affection in our relationship which includes sex.  I have tried talking to her about this issue but will not talk about it.  I have tried seduction, romance, and plending without success.  Do you have any comments or suggestions.

mark

Other than sending you both to couples therapy, imlonelyman,

I would suggest asking her what SHE thinks you should do about your disparity in needing affection and sex. It's no different than any negotiation between two individuals in a relationship, be it business or pleasure - or both, as marriages may be.

If she "will not talk about it," then maybe she'll talk about it to a professional, be it therapist, psychiatrist, clergyperson or physician. This is a pretty strong stance and there is probably something else much deeper behind her reluctance to engage in conversation.

We've had these issues on board before, and it usually surfaces that the wife or SO was raped, endured sexual abuse or otherwise came from such a sex negative background that even DISCUSSING the issue became a source of trauma. On the other hand, your subject line states "rekindling," so maybe there was something happening ages ago? If that's the case, ask her what she thinks you should do to rekindle the romance.

Or...maybe...harsh as it may seem, she could be just bored with having sex with you? In any case, you'll never know unless she talks...which brings us back to professional help with just that. After all, talking never hurt anyone. If all else fails, show her this posting and maybe she'll react in some fashion.

Age old issue where people get stuck not pushing hard enough for solutions,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:31:55 AM

Sorry to be so negative but I find that women just get bored.  LG as written on this subject many, many times.

Men want sex and women just don't have the same drive that we do.

Now and then I play golf with some 80 year old men.  I ask them if they miss sex - almost unanimously they give a resounding "yes."    But their wives don't even want to talk about it.

I'm in similar situation.  Masturbate, hobby or give up.

I would have pm'd you with my response, but couldn't. I'm not certain where you have come to the impression that a counselor (assuming marriage counselor) will "meet with the partners individually  first, later together." That's not my experience. And, there are major drawbacks in doing so. One, is that what one partner share's with him/her may never be revealed to the other. Though the partner has shared it with the counselor, that does not necessarily translate to increased motivation to reveal it to their partner. Indeed, often it reduces the motivation, and the counselor, without the partners permission is not allowed to reveal it either. So, the counselor ends up with a big secret, such as an the partner is having an affair, has a STD, is gay or bi, etc., etc. The only way around this is if both partners, in counseling, agree that that counselor is free from having to keep secrets. That anything revealed to the counselor can be revealed in conjoint session.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:36:13 AM

Has she had any medical issues? When my wife was first going through some difficult times, she lost all interest in sex. There was nothing that was life threatening, but she's had some surgeries, and sex became not only unimportant to her, but extremely uncomfortable.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:32:42 AM

not all women have a bad sex drive or there wouldn't be providers of all ages and sizes to hobby with!