When you get more pleasure from setting up the appointment, planning and anticipating the session, meeting the provider, small talk,  etc. than you get from sex itself? After a few years of intermittent hobbying (the SO and I have gone years without sex), I long for someone to care for emotionally. In my deluded state, the idea of a mistress (which I have long avoided) seems infinitely more satisfying  than the occasional session.

Well my dear Penny4Thought,

I'm afraid I can't answer your specific question. But I can say this: If you can find a mistress who will be happy with being someone's sidegig,  then go right ahead and find one. And see how long she'll stick around. In today's day and age, it's becoming more and more difficult to find women who are willing to play the mistress role. Divorce is everywhere, women elect not to get married (or get involved with married men) and mercifully, the "mistress syndrome" is about to go the way of hoop skirts and other assorted anachronisms. Unless there's a divorce in the plans, most echo boomer chicks (under 30) don't feel like playing second banana to some man who wants his cake and eat it too. Today, you'll need to pay for that, LOL. And a pretty penny it adds up to - just check  your monthly TER tab .

On the other hand, if you really long for someone to care for emotionally - and that person is not your present wife - then what are you doing in your marriage? It would be one thing if you only sought to replace the physical relations, but also the emotions? Get out of your delusion, get a divorce and MOVE ON. It's either that, or start communicating very deeply with the one you're married and try to regain what was lost - if you're up to the considerable effort, that is.

Please be deluded no more,
the Love Goddess

In a post on this board (http://www.theeroticreview.com/discussion_boards/viewmsg.asp?MessageID=8430&boardID=20&page=1), G2 said, "I was only 34 when I got divorced and still decent looking, in good shape and approaching the top of my game professionally.  And while I did have some nice long term relationships, they were all based more on me appearing to be a "good catch" (as in meal ticket) as opposed to love.   Much to my surprise and disappointment, I was never able to meet the sort of quality women that would get me thinking about marriage again, even though I tried.  I did meet plenty of women with "issues," however."

And, "The reality is middle-age dating is pretty bleak and anybody who has been put through the wringer of a divorce will never approach dating quite the same way again- that's why TER thrives.  Sure, the romantics may spend a few years on Match.com before throwing in the towel, but the realists get VIP memberships on TER.  That's just the way it ends up for 95% of the people either approaching, or already past age 50."

My experience is a little different than G2's experience because I met the woman who would become my wife in 1975 when I was 38. Now, many years later she is dead (lung cancer metastasized to the bones), but I think G2 is probably pretty accurate about my prospects of finding another relationship (as opposed to finding activities and friends, which helps but does not fill the void).

So I pretty much find myself in the position Penny4Thought describes when he says, "What does it mean when you get more pleasure from setting up the appointment, planning and anticipating the session, meeting the provider, small talk,  etc. than you get from sex itself?" I've asked myself that a lot recently.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 11:17:31 AM

Wow, shuda, your situation is amost identical to mine but for the fact that my SO was not widowed when we met. To be honest, I looked at other women but never strayed until I started to approach the age that my Dad had been when he died prematurely. Then the "perfect citizen" wheels started to come off and TER became a refuge of sorts. It's comforting  to know that I am not alone or that unique.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 11:18:28 AM

you know it is sad when the most beautiful experieince that two people can enjoy has been reduced to a means to something else, meal ticket , money, whatever women have that they want. i too went through a painful divorce. was never unfaithful and did try hobbying for a while afterwards.  But it was so unfulfiling.  In reality most men just want a friend and a lover.  Most women want whatever they can get from men for sex.  Call us pigs if you want but I truly find most woment I have met, civie or other wise to be quite disgusting human beings.

I am the same boat as you two except I'm still married after 40 years.
To me, sex is a mostly in the mind. A girl with some clothing on is more exciting to me than one completely in the buff. It's the imagination factor...LOL
My suggestion to you would be to continue hobbying. I would wager a bet that you will eventually find a provider or two that you enjoy being with, both mentally and physically, to add to you ATF list.
I wish I started hobbying years ago as I feel I have wasted soooo much time! And time does seem to go by so much faster the older I get!
JMHO