LG... this is a quote of yours from a few posts down, talking about how providers may feel uncomfortable when a body part is focused on and complimented too much.

Can you elaborate on this comment about the worshiper being the one in control.  I am going through a situation where one of my "clients" has become "worshipful" I guess.

He brings gifts, overpays, compliments, compliments, compliments on my beauty, my skill, my intelligence, etc..
It would seem like the perfect client right?  But why do I feel so uncomfortable?  I had never thought of this: the worshiper is the one who is in control.

But, yes, I feel a sense of power play when I am engaged in his energy field.  It is so hard to explain to him, to others, and to myself.
He's not a stalker, he isn't violent or scary.  It's just this constant barrage of .. "you're too good to be true."  "no one has ever been able to touch me like that."  

And then the email afterward, and the little text message about how he can't stop thinking about the session we had.

Why do I feel like even though he's "paying" me all of these compliments,  he is really the one with all the power here?  

I had to cut him off for a while but then, because I couldn't really explain why I felt so uncomfortable about it all, I agreed to see him again and it's just more of the same.  All of the attention he lavishes on me does not make me feel good about myself or this situation.

ps.  sorry for the alias, I don't want  "anyone"...to know who I'm talking about.

Dear lurkergurl,

The closest I can get to a suitable analogy would be in the BDSM world, where body worshipers abound. They are usually submissive, but as in every relationship of power exchange in the BDSM world, the top usually facilitates the bottom's experience and is merely there to be a tool for the sensate experience of the bottom. Thus, it's really all about the bottom and his/her exalted feelings in the act of worshiping.

The activity of DATY in the hobby world is also a good metaphor. Scenario: a client contacts you with a specific request. He says to you that he wants to "satisfy you, make you happy, make you come many times over," and he will do this by "eating you out." He will render you "blissful" for hours on end. Oftentimes, he will assert that he has a "special technique" that will make you insatiable and scream for more, more, more.

But what does this really mean? Granted, it's nice to "receive" a tongue-job. But for hours on end? Hence, when you agree to participate in what is ostensibly an activity to make YOU happy, paradoxically the DATY devotee has gained control over your body for X amount of time.

Now the DATY is just an example. The worshiping can take many forms - it can be about body parts, or the way you move, the way you shriek during orgasm, etc. But the quality of the praise or the activity is insistent, pervasive and has a repetitive, almost hypnotic quality to it. The hobbyist keeps saying or doing the same thing over and over again, with minor variations. At the same time, he may look at you with pleading eyes, as if he wants you to react, to affirm his entreaties and his compliments. If you do not respond, he will continue all the more. In some sense, it's a cat-and-mouse game, a pursuer-distancer phenomenon, a state in which the hobbyist/worshiper finds bliss in repeating the same words/actions over and over again.

The reason why this may feel uncomfortable to you is that IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT THE SATISFACTION OF THE WORSHIPER. On some level, you as a person mean less to him than the act of worshiping itself. On some level, you don't matter - it's the worshiped attribute(s) that take(s) central stage. You feel invaded, reduced to an object, and clearly NOT in control.

Now, for a professional dominatrix who includes worshiping in her array of services, this may not be a problem. But for a provider who needs to feel in control of the total session in order to give up control of her body for a specific amount of time, a worshiper may feel like he has hogged the entire session and left her with zero breathing room. People mistakenly believe that providers feel the worst about getting a strange penis inserted into the vagina; however, nothing could be further from the truth. What the provider fears the most is to be reduced to an object, a mere vessel, and a tool for someone else's satisfaction. Nothing is more demoralizing or annihilating for a thinking, feeling woman than being reduced to someone whose presence is ignored on a psychological level. And paradoxically, the worshiper is so caught up in his personal experience of worshiping, that the providers wants and needs are actually ignored. The worshiper becomes oblivious while the provider slowly goes crazy with irritation and discomfort.

My advice to you is to really ask yourself if it's worth the X amount of dollars to get so aggravated. If it's not, then just tell him point blank that you can't see him. If he wants a reason, tell him you just don't like him anymore. Yes, he'll be devastated, but such is life. You don't owe him anything else than your performance when he pays you, and if that condition is removed, then call it a day and have a better life. There are so many easygoing, charming hobbyists who don't get into your hair [and your psyche] in this cloying manner. Give THEM the extra 10 minutes and count your blessings.

Icky, sticky,
the Love Goddess

I too felt a deep satisfaction for many years from being the one to worship and do all the pleasing with a provider.

At one point, a provider insisted that I just lay back and let her worship me for a change.  It felt weird but I let her do so and I'm grateful that I did.

No one should get to hog being the active pleasing one.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 11:19:50 AM

Hi Love Goddess,
The analogy of the domme and her submissive is a very apt one. In the world of BDSM, this behavior is also known as "topping from the bottom."

As for you, lurker girl, I suggest you follow your gut feeling. I would slowly faze this relationship out...That inner voice of yours should not be ignored.

I hope this situation is resolved safely and quickly, although I suspect it might take some time before this wrinkle is ironed.

Stay safe and sage!
-Nicole

Yes, thanks all.  LG what you described is exactly what this is like.  What I am seeing now is that there is simply no way to get him to understand what he's doing to me and how horrible it makes me feel.  

I got a message from him just this morning about how  he's offering me a certain something and he knows I'll enjoy it because I'm ....  (such and such that he knows so well...)  

This is very different, very different from someone who is infatuated with me.  I've experienced that as well.  When someone likes me, is infatuated with me, they care about me, they are concerned with my feelings, with my well being.  Even if they are concerned with my alter ego provider self, still there is a feeling of genuine care.  
It's different from someone who has already created an image in his own mind and is just using me to embody his image.  It's HIS fantasy as opposed to A Fantasy.  I guess.  

Yes, and it's like he's high almost.  His eyes glaze over when he's with me and there is no communication, no sharing of two different presences, no "dance" if you will.
It's just his strange dream that I feel I got trapped in somehow.  

I think that you're right LG.  I'm just going to have send an email saying.  "I'm sorry, I just don't like you anymore."  and then ignore every thing he sends...

Do you think that's the best way?  I do feel very burdened by this situation.

That's just MEAN!

kidding.

It's possible that he genuinely likes you, that you really "do it" for him, and that he is harmless - not violent, scary, or a potential stalker. If that is all true, then it would be a shame to end a relationship that is physically and emotionally beneficial to him, and financially beneficial to you.

However, if I were in your shoes I'd get out immediately. Sounds too creepy for words.

Should you decide to end it, be careful, especially if he knows any personal stuff about you. Seek out advice from other providers who have had stalker situations. I'm not saying that's going to happen to you, but why not be prepared?

Best of luck.

I may be a minority of one here, but IMHO, there may be other options than "I'm sorry, I just don't like you anymore."

Clearly, this man is doing something very, very wrong. The problem may be that he doesn't know what he is doing wrong and why it is wrong. If you cut off contact without an explanation, you lose a source of income, his feelings get hurt, and, worst of all, he won't learn from his mistakes. So, he will continue to make the same mistakes with his next provider and in his next relationship.

It may be possible to train him to be a better hobbyist. (In a sense, you would be playing the role of a sex therapist/tutor.) You could send him email assertively explaining that his obsessive worship makes you very uncomfortable and must stop. And then you could give him one chance to show improvement. You could do what mrfishers provider did, and say something like "you have adored me enough. Now lie back, shut your yap, and let me adore you!"

If you have decided that you really cannot see him again, IMHO, it is important that you send an explanation like: "I do like you, but what you do makes me so uncomforable that there is absolutely no hope that we can ever see each other again. Here is what you did wrong: . . . [insert Love Godess' explanation].

As a third alternative, you can tell him that you will only see him if he agrees beforehand to wear a ball gag for the entire session. This should cut down on the unwanted compliments!

Or simply, passive aggressive? lol  I'm not saying that's the case here.  Assuming she never asked for those gifts and extra money, there's no reason she should feel bad or she's not in control.  If he's nice to her, he's doing it at his own will and risk.  I imagine she has other income source and if not, get it.

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 11:21:03 AM

Dear gmbrrr,
While I don't doubt your benevolent intentions, I really believe that it is very unproductive for a non-professional to assume the role of a "sex therapist/tutor" in this kind of psychosexual situation. A provider is not paid to provide psychotherapy to this level. There is no reason for someone who already feels uncomfortable in another person's presence to engage further. Any further contact, whether it is to educate, admonish, praise or try to amend his behavior, is only going to result in further negotiations.

There is no reason for the provider to offer any further explanation beyond a courteous refusal to see the person, based on scheduling changes. As a provider, a woman is always at liberty to change her schedule; if she decides to keep only a few clients, or change her client preferences, it is up to her. For a provider to get involved in psychosexual explanations [as in the one I offered in my posting] is non-productive at best and dangerous at worst.

In the "real" therapy world, when a client develops a "fixation" that will not go away, the therapist can terminate the therapeutic relationship, as long as s/he provides 3 referrals to the client. Please note that such a termination is not based on the client being "difficult" or "resistant;" it is based on an invasive, erotic transference that is resistant to attenuation. Granted, a provider's mission is to create a fascination and even a desire to return, based on factors of attraction. When those factors go into a situation that makes the provider uncomfortable - regardless of what they may be - she is under no obligation to act as a tutor/therapist/teacher or even stay on speaking terms with the client. The best thing for the provider is to CUT OFF CONTACT, in order to solve her problem of discomfort. Remember that she is not there to cure someone of his emotional problems, and she should not be put in such a position - just like therapists, who shouldn't sleep with their clients.

It is NOT important for her to "send an explanation." That would be for the benefit of the hobbyist, and would have zero benefit for her. Actually, it is important for her to break off contact so that she can do her job and feel comfortable in life. Again: providers have no obligation to psychoeducate or be nice beyond the stipulated time. The fact that so many of them are is evidence that providing attracts many selfless and sacrificing ladies; however, that does not mean that they have to go beyond the call of duty just because they are nice people.

Boundaries include rapid termination when necessary,
the Love Goddess

And of course you will lead him on untill you bilk every dime you can out of him and that's the last he will here from you.  Fools shouldn't play with snakes.

Dear readers,

This email comes from a former provider, username "greenerpastures." This is what she says:

Can't you see????? To share with LG and gmbrr (and everyone)
Posted by greenerpasture  , 5/20/2008 2:57:00 PM  
This is a game of manipulation and "using" someone on his part.

As a former provider, I can attest to the havoc that this scenario can reek on a girls life. I went through it myself.

I was newly back into the biz and independent for the first time. I began seeing someone who a couple visits later turned into an SD type of arrangement.

I was very naive in this arrangement and things got very out of hand.  My experience was very similar to that of lurkergurl's except it went a couple steps further. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was indy for the first time and was still learning the whole game. I wouldn't have put up with half the sh** he put me through if I'd had just 2 or 3 more months under my belt. Our arrangement was NOT exclusive. He was very manipulative in this same psychosexual way which LG so eloquently describes as "the worshiper is the one who is in control".  He contributed (negatively) to my retirement from the biz. I began to feel like he was watching every post I made, my calendar on my website, etc. etc. Eventually, and luckily, I became savvy enough to end the relationship before he was paying for my living arrangements.

MONTHS after I retired, I found out from former clients, and colleagues, exactly how naive I had been.

I shared a LOT of personal information with him(especially before I realized he was a little off-balance). I found out that he went into my computer when I was taking a long shower and got e-mail addresses of clients and other girls I communicated with. HIS MOUTH WAS THE SIZE OF ALASKA! He told countless people my real name and many other things. He tried very hard to keep other clients from seeing me, and tried to deceive them into thinking he was getting free sex.

Obviously, I was naive, maybe even careless, but, after I found out everything this man had done, how much of our experiences he had shared with others, all to make himself look and feel like a "big man"...I felt as of I had been raped. Yes, you read correctly, as if I'd been raped. To be honest and open, I am still not over it.  I still get that old feeling of being trapped whenever I think about this...especially finding out LATER all the horrible things he did when I was still involved with him. LG, what do you think I can do to put this behind me?

lurkergurl, mad kudos to you for having the courage to ask for advice on this fabulous board.

gmbrr, and everyone else, I hope you realize now why it is so important that she just cut him off. Period.