I know, I know--another post about falling in love.  I'll try to be concise, as this is obviously a well-worn subject on this board.  

I'll also not bore anyone with my story, or make an attempt to convince anyone that there is any "true love" here or any litmus test that's been passed.  Suffice it to say, I have a real attachment to a provider and we enjoy a mutual relationship together that goes well beyond where it started.  And, now, it's potentially moving into a new phase (or ending).

To be clear, I'm not a WK and I don't expect her to stop working.  I have another life on my own that won't end, either.  But I'm struggling to decide whether to maintain a close relationship with her going forward or whether I should let it end, knowing that she will continue working.

After a lot of consideration and some amount of maturing, I've learned to accept many parts of our situation.  The most fundamental one, however, remains--my jealousy and insecurity about her work and her time with clients.  In many ways, it hasn't gotten any easier or better, and is in other ways probably worse.  Much of this has been caused by me.

So, my question is this, I suppose--how to approach this "issue".  Certainly, nothing I was taught or saw growing up ever introduced me to the concept of prostitution as an acceptable trade.  And, sex was always attributed such gravity, sanctity and seriousness (I was raised catholic).

Lest anyone think I'm approaching this purely from a selfish perspective ("what's in it for me?"), I also consider this as someone who cares for this woman and who doesn't want to complicate her life any further.  I think it's interesting that people always approach this issue by saying they are in love with a provider, but fail to acknowledge the potential harm they can cause by entering a relationship in which they can cause harm to someone they purport to love.  I'm certainly guilty of that in many cases with this woman.

All feedback is appreciated...

Well then, atacrossroads,

Are we to infer from your posting that you are in a relationship with someone else as well? Or is it just the provider? Nevermind, doesn't really matter. It's just that "a life of my own" seemed a little unclear, that's all.

With the risk of just cutting straight through this Gordian knot, I will just say this: are you prepared to a) support your intended by buying her out of the business, or, b) put up with the fact that she has to make a living and just accept this fact as if she were going to the office every day?

If no on either/both counts, then stop this relationship dead in its tracks and move on. How to approach the issue? With honesty toward yourself and the lady. And realize that being in a relationship with a woman who provides sexual services to multiple individuals may just not be your cup of tea.

WK - White Knight, I assume,
the Love Goddess

-- Modified on 11/5/2008 4:15:03 PM

If you can't get past the fact that she works as a provider then you don't have much of a shot at any sort of honest relationship beyond you paying her for sex. Actually, I don't even see how you could enjoy that if you are fixating on the guy who was there before you or the one who will be coming after you leave.

Look, two of my very closest friends are also my two favorite providers.  Maybe it's the fact that I'm married and not looking for a GF but I simply never have and never will judge these two ladies because of what they do for a living.  I wish I could explain to you in words why I don't but I just don't. Nobody else should either but I realize that is not realistic.  I was raised a catholic as well but I managed to survive it. I don't let religion or society dictate to me how I should view other people and I don't judge anyone by the work that they do.

I wish there was an easy solution to your problem but there is not. Only you can change what is in your head and your heart.  If you can't look at this lady as a person first, a woman second and a provider third then you are wasting your time trying to develop any sort of relationship with her.

-- Modified on 11/5/2008 4:25:33 PM

then you have a chance to continue to enjoy the relationship without harming yourself or the lady. I can understand why this is difficult for most people. Even providers with SOs.

If you cannot continue to be in a relationship with the lady without possessiveness, I don't see how you will be able to make it work for either of you.

You have my sympathies, and my hopes for you and your ladyfriend, for a good resolution.

Cheers

Gregory

-- Modified on 11/15/2008 10:05:29 AM

Well Iknow what you are feeling pretty lost between two worlds. Your feeling if you stay you must become indifferent and if you leave you dont want to.  I  m,et a wonderful person not the usual to see someone it was work she exclaimed no different from mine. I raised the afety issue and she told me about the guys. she was honest to me about everything like the person you are seeing but my jelousy overcame me. I had to back offf my feelings the more I pressured the more she resistedso you have to decide as to whether your relationship with her is more important than your ego. We are very good friends and I have backed off and she is more interested in me. It is hard but if you care you will be there for her

Thing one- Jealousy always stems from fear. This is a good chance to look at your own insecurities and work on those, even if it is painful and difficult.

Thing two- No one can ever be someone else's 'one and only'. By that, I mean that we each must have a life beyond any other single relationship in order to be fulfilled. You seek things that you need from relationships other than the one with the lady, don't you?

The most we can ask from another individual in a relationship is that they may sometimes be our 'one and only' while we are sharing moments together. If you two can manage that, you are ahead of many people.

One of the things I've been able to get much practice in from my own relationship with a now-retired provider is how to enjoy fully the time we have together without letting jealousy and possessiveness caused by my own insecurities ruin what are otherwise very special moments. This is a great opportunity for you to practice enjoying the moment purely for what it is and not what your ego wants it to be.

Great advice wormwood. It truly works when you put your own behind

...to indulge in extrospection than otherwise, as my recent posting and the responses therein might suggest.

Relationships, period, involve a bit of chess playing - the sending of signals, some sublime others not so.  There are a couple of things you really haven't told us which are really critical, IMHO.  First, what sweet whisperings has she alluded to you - and what have you alluded to her?

Just like getting Betty Sue into the back seat of your '60 Chevy, you're not going to throw her back there unless she gives you signals she wants your man juice.  Has she given you those signals or not?

The single most critical piece of information I can share with you from a previous foray with a sex worker, and this really comes from LG, is that some providers are really very good chameleons.  They can move, groove, slip and slide in any which way depending on the situation.  That is to say, they give you what you are looking for.  They compartmentalize.  Some might say adopting such a tact is "unethical".  However, I would opine, a priori, what is ethical about the hobby?  I would say to you "it's all in the game".

I won't even begin to address the repression that religion heaps upon us and is largely historically based to prevent the translocation of diseases harbored primarily by animals, the social stigma from unwanted pregnancy before the age of contraception, etc.

I admire your selflessness, but if your heart is involved and you're not just gettin' some sweet nookie, then you had better begin start thinking about yourself...because you're heading for a rollercoaster of a mind *uck.

If there is reciprocity of emotion, then you have to learn to accept what she does - or offer to take her off the clock.  Then there is the issue, and not to disparage your object of affections, but is she in it for the money or does she like to bump and grind?  If she likes the BnG, best head for the hills, my man.

Nobody likes going somewhere where somebody else has been - especially 15 minutes after the fact (yuk).  It takes a very special guy to accept being emotionally involved with a provider.  You need to be very selfish with yourself and ask honestly, if that is you.

Best,

BB

-- Modified on 11/6/2008 8:23:10 AM

I had similar feelings about one of my ATFs.  I have several close friends in the business and a long-term marriage, so I have no right to complain.  But, like you, I was jealous of the time and attention she spent with others, feelings exacerbated by her great reviews that I read.  However, I came to grips with it when I realized that her attitude toward the other men was that it was just a job, and with me it was different.   If she feels that way about you, then you have to make come to the same conclusion and truly internalize it.  If she does not, or you cannot recognize that that is the fact, then you are in for heartache and trouble.

I can speak from the experience of being a provider who has a "client" claim to be in love with her.

1. Please don't make her responsible for your emotions.  It really is not her fault that you have jealousies or judgements.  It's not her fault that you feel you are falling for her.  It doesn't matter if she is a chameleon or if she flirts with you or sends mixed signals, you need to own your emotions.  You feel the way you do, because you feel the way you do.  And only you can control your feelings.

2.  Please don't assume that she is doing this purely for the money.  Many of us wouldn't stop providing even if we were offered thousands a week by one man.  It is the variety that we crave, the freedom to live outside the boundaries of the roles we were expected to live by because we are women.  It is the ability to control our own world without relying on any one person other than our own selves.  Many of us are simply happy to be exactly what we are.

3.  Please don't assume that you know what she wants.  The best way to proceed is to do exactly what you say you're not trying to do.  Be selfish.  Get what you want out of this relationship and expect that she is doing the same thing.  We are not victims of circumstance here.  We are not looking for protection or security or help or to be rescued.  Every time a man walks in to my life I ask myself, "How can he make me happy?"  And if he can't, then what's the point of being around him?
I know it sounds harsh but really it's the only honest way to proceed.  Admit that you are getting something from this quandry and as soon as you are not getting what ever that satisfaction is, you will move on.  You don't owe her anything, and she doesn't owe you anything.

And above all just enjoy the moments.  Let the thoughts of the future go.  Just be thankful for the moments that you're together.  And when you aren't together with her, enjoy those moments as well.  And please allow her to do the same thing.  Be grateful that she is enjoying her life when she is with you, and understand that she has every right to enjoy her life when she is not with you.  

Thank you for this post, which makes a lot of sense to me.  

I am honestly striving for what you describe.  If I can't accomplish that, I will stop.

Please continue to share your perspective on this board!

Wormwood, I couldn't agree more.

There's a certain social stigma against any feelings towards a provider.  When emotions are involved on the client side, jealousy usually accompanies it.  But Wormwood's right..and I can speak from experience.  One person can't be the "one and only" - there are many people in your life that you interact with and get different things from.

Let's not forget a few factors here:
1) For her, it's a job.  Sometimes it isn't all that pleasant.  Sure, there are people she enjoys spending time with, just as there are times in your job when you enjoy it.
2) Just because she spends time with another client, does it really affect anything?  No!  If she does care for you at all, would that change by her seeing someone else?  No!  Therefore, her seeing others is irrelevant.  She's doing it for her job.  Again, she may enjoy some of the people she sees, but that doesn't affect YOUR relationship with HER unless YOU let it.

I had to learn those two points above over and over until it sank into my head.  Now, we have a great friendship and I'm not jealous at all.

Think of her as her person, not what she does.  If your thoughts are only of her in the hobby, well, then, you're missing the point.  There's plenty of people who are great in bed, that you don't get along with, and wouldn't want to be close to.  So I'd bet that it isn't the part that attracts you.

I'd agree, that was beautifully put by girl on a pedestal.  Like the old joke you'd put a girl on a pedestal, so you can look up her skirt.  Please post your info, I'd like to try and see you.  Thanks

Dear Love Goddess:
What are the warning signs that one should look for if a relationship with a provider is starting to become somewhat romantic?  What are the potential pitfalls and danger signs that would manifest in the seminal stages? Also how critical is compartmentalization with respect to your emotions at that point in time?

There's no one answer, duplicitouslust...

..since it depends on YOUR OWN pattern of attachment. What constitutes a pitfall for one person may mean something totally harmless to another. You'll need to ask yourself what makes you fall for someone. Clearly, if you no longer understand that sex work is a BUSINESS, well, then I guess you're in trouble...cognitively as well as emotionally, LOL, which means that your emotions have taken over your rational thought process. That's a danger sign enough, no? I mean, what else would you need? If you no longer can think rationally about a business that entails sex-for-money transactions, then I'd say you're pretty far gone.

How critical is compartmentalization? It's critical at ALL TIMES. If it happens when you're confusing business with off-the-clock-pleasure, then it's almost too late. Of course, anyone can have a lapse in judgment - that's fairly normal. But what isn't normal is not to recover, and to become preoccupied with someone who is out of reach for a multitude of reasons. Kind of like falling in love with a gay or lesbian person if you're straight.

Hope that was clear,
the Love Goddess

sadly what you say is true. Unfortunately to those of us who have her walk in your life then shares your friends and family. It is hard to understand the fredom you talk about. There is a responsibility to you when that happens. As someone says it is the wrong place to be looking for love but it happens.  You know when the word of love is spoken and I want to be with you always there is a reaponsibility. I agree if it is diversity of the lifestyle then get out. I am in a realtionship where she says it is work . I mat her tthat way and our 2nd night was ral and it was where she said she wanted to be with me always and she has not been comfortable in a relationshi ( friends shared) in a longtime. Had the not been said I would of moved on. But everything you have said been pointed out to me.  When she went on a tour I got clled morning and night and every segment of the flight. But one cannot just ait for the person to possibly grow out of her feelings, Inevitablt thre relationship has to die out of frustration. I know itbut she wanders more in my life my kids my home and I sometimes resent that, So I agree in past what you say but dont try to make these guysa understand that they should just expect this behavior and be happy with it. But they should knoq she is living her life and you should too but be clear with her why and what are her goals. Then you will not be hurt