I saw my first provider back in december? I had a wonderful time...at the end of the session she asked if i wanted to go get something to eat without any concession...at first a said yes and she asked me to wait in my car til she came down...as i sat there i thought about everything i read here about client/providers and boundaries
so i quickly called her and said i had to go. Being my first time i wanted to avoid connecting to much. did i make the right call? i did see her again about 3 weeks later for a even better session...and will see her again. Do most of you guys avoid heading in the friend direction with a provider? or adding a friend angle add to your future meetings? is it taboo to question the provider about this subject? thanks

Dear zippitz,

You are asking if you "made the right call." No one can but you can really decide that - it's up to your ability to maintain boundaries and your capacity to recognize the provider-hobbyist relationship for what it is, first and foremost: an exchange of sexual services for money. Does this mean that you absolutely cannot go and have a meal with a provider? Only if you are not able to separate a business relationship from a personal relationship.

As to your question "do most guys avoid heading in the friend direction with a provider," well, you wouldn't believe it from reading this board, LOL. But ours is often the 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' - in the rest of the world out there, VERY FEW HOBBYISTS BECOME 'FRIENDS' WITH PROVIDERS. VERY FEW. First of all, TER is a very small part of the worldwide sex industry. Even if we were to exclude brothels, massage parlors, bona fide sex clubs and other forms of sex selling and only use TER members as an example, I can tell you that the overwhelming majority does not socialize with providers outside the stipulated pay-for-play time.

Of course there is a "Lonely Hearts Club" among hobbyists, particularly those who may not have an SO in their life. But believe me, the vast majority partakes and then splits. Otherwise, it could get very complicated, and that is just what the idea of buying sex is meant to represent - a temporal sexual relationship, free from the obligations and responsibilities that you would accord a friend, girlfriend or wife.

So you have to decide for yourself next time you get an invitation to do something outside the time contracted for. As long as you understand that none of it means anything serious unless the provider tells you she's in love with you and will never charge you again, I suppose you're safe.

Oh, but the misunderstandings...sigh...
the Love Goddess

I allow myself to get involved but with somewhat mixed emotions.

The vast majority of providers know that it is wrong to get involved, so the relationship ends when the clock says its up.  A few, however, ask me to spend time with them, and then to help them on this or that errand, or want a loan, etc.

First, being single and kids out of the house, I have the luxury of time and privacy.

It's also a sort of social life for me.

On the downside, I often feel a bit entrapped when things go too far, and I'm squeamish about pulling back and setting boundaries, but I am getting better at it.

Overall, however, I'm fairly happy with how things stand, even with the ups and downs.

One should always tread cautiously and with eyes wide open.

Only you can decide if you made the right decision.  I have dinner, off the clock,  with my ATF every time I see her.  The first time we did it I was really just recommending a good restaurant near her in call and she asked me if I wanted to go with her as I was her last appointment of the night.
We had a great time and it felt very natural. Not being an idiot I made a mental note to always book her last appointment of the day and our dining tradition was born.  There is nothing conniving about what happened on either side and those dinners are a high point of our visits. Dining with a beautiful woman that you have just had passionate sex with is actually a very relaxing experience...

What's right for you? As I said, only you can decide.  There is a ton of good advice dispensed here in the threads of TER but it is just that, advice. We can all relate our various experiences and opinions but ultimately you should do what feels right to you. My personal experience is that as long as both folks are clear thinkers and being realistic about what can and can not exist in terms of a relationship then there is no reason why they shouldn't be able to spend some quality OTC time together.  Keep in mind, this is not something that you go looking for.  It finds you.

I have a favorite I've developed a friendship with. After several meetings, and much pillow-talk we've developed a level of trust where we share some aspects of our personal lives, and have meals and other meetings (none sexual) off the clock. I'm very cautious, and I've read several horror stories about jealous boyfriends, competing providers, and angry neighbors, so I am not inclined to make such friendships quickly. Be very, very careful, and only go so far as you feel comfortable with. Allot has to do with how much you could lose if things go very badly.

I can only echo the advice my esteemed colleagues have given.  You, and you alone, can decide if you made the right decision.  Me, I would have gone to dinner with her.  I have spent off the clock time with some of my providers, after our playdate, and have loved every minute. They did too.

You get to know her.  Now, I know many guys, and maybe gals, will say that is not something good.  I have found it to be a very nice experience and consider these ladies as very close friends.  We IM, we talk on the phone, we enjoy  each other's company outside of the hobby.  Granted, this does not happen with all providers I have seen, but the ones it has happened with, well, I feel like I have made a real friend.

Playtime is paytime, but having dinner with a beautiful woman is also a very nice experience.

The important thing is:  Remember the boundaries!!!!!

Have fun,
Swim

A provider I saw recently for the first time suggested we go out for dinner a couple of nights later.

We did.  It was a pleasure.  She happens to be bright, good company and respectful of boundaries.  So it worked easily.  And led to another OTC get-together a few days later followed by an intimate session.

I hadn't given her an envelope before the intimacy.  But I did after, and she refused it.  I insisted and prevailed.  It seemed like the right thing to do, but she wasn't expecting it.  I guess she'd had a good time with me and felt in a giving mood.

So far so good, and I'm not expecting any complications to arise.  Mainly due to the high level of mental/emotional health and general intelligence of the provider in question (and in part due to my ability to maintain healthy boundaries in this situation).

With other providers (and hobbyists) I'm sure this type of situation could quickly spin out of control.

As those above counseled, I'd say go with your instincts and keep an eye on appropriate boundaries.  Then relax and have a good time..  

Read the MongrMan thread below. It may just be getting food...it may be probing. But I think she is crossing the line for a first session. Maybe after you become a regular but for the first session, kinda wierd. Keep your shields up.

Thanks all for the advice...she allowed our next meeting to be 3 hours so maybe some good pillow talk is in order to help set boundaries...

Can pretty much agree with all said.... pros and cons.

I have become friends with several providers and crossed the line with three going on four.  I may fall in to the 'lonely hearts club' Love Goddess talks about, but I also have been able to handle and deal with all that has come up and am comfortable with it.  And all alluded to above has come up.  Fell head over heals in love once (was mutual for a short while then crashed and burned), have been asked for help, the requests got problematic until that had to be uncomfortably stopped.  But... have some great friendships too.

Pretty much.... all that is said in contrarian to friendships and beyond bounds relationships has much truth to it.

But, if you can keep it no strings attached, have mutual trust established through history such that both of you trust each other not to become a problem to each other, and if you can keep your head on straight and not do the 'puppy love' thing, it can be satisfying.....  a lot of conditions there!

I just happen to like many of the providers I see repeatedly, like the open, accepting nature, and am very open to whatever happens.  To each their own, in preference, risk tolerance, nsa ability, and able to deal with it when GFE becomes GF!

All in all, given she was your first provider, I think you made a wise decision!

It is probably not wrong to have a dinner with a provider; however, this is a dangerous place to be in if you do not really know this person.

I have one provider that I have a close relationship with.  We know our boundaries and because of that, we can enjoy companionship beyond the "session."

THIS IS RARE, and you should understand that.

I do have a funny story.  I met a provider for the first time.  We had one session.  I setup a second session, and she canceled.  I was driving and (belive it or not -- sometimes I don't) I saw her crossing the street in front of my car 30 minutes after we canceled. I called out to her.

I offered her diner, and we had a great time, just like any other girl you would invite to dinner. Lots of good conversation. I never saw her again, but we had a great time.

What is most important is that you must know the person you are "getting closer" to.  If this is just a provider, then stay away from that -- but (and I can't find the proper words) if you find a special provider, a little gentleman ship is not a bad thing

There are no rules! You can do whatever you want as long as your communication is open with complete clarity.

 Through the years I have seen many relationships work out with this combination, even to successful marriages.

 The reason you never hear about those are because they have had a positive outcome and are no longer active.

 Whether it's friendship or something more, just be careful. Make sure there is no other motive. If it's something you want to explore, why turn down the experience.

  Providers are no different than the girl who does your nails , cuts your hair, or gives you a legal massage.

 It's society that has put the wedge between us.

I was not prepared for what would happen when I started hobbying. Several of the providers that I saw made it clear that were fine with off-the-clock activities such as dinners/coffee and just hanging out. With my ATF, it's progressed to the point where I even hang out at her place. It's really cool and I have to say that this part of hobbying is more rewarding than the sex. Did I really say that?? :-p

Its funny that I just saw this thread, so long after it was posted. I'm not a frequent visitor to this particular board obviously.

I have known a provider for over 4 years, and have seen her for business 3 times. Last summer we started to become friends, and we let each other into our private worlds. I truly regretted this, as she then no longer wanted to see me as a hobbyist once we knew each other better. As far as I know, I am the only hobbyist that has been turned away from the business side of things with her, even though she does know a few other hobbyists personally.

My advice to those guys who want a friendship, don't do it! If you can still hobby together, that is great, but if you can't---then forget it.
It'll just make you feel lousy in the end. I've been there.