Hey, LG, what can I do? I havn't had sex with my wife in months. It's driving me crazy. You can jerk off only so many times. My wife would rather sit in front of the computer e-mailing friends than hopping into the sack with me. I refuse to force her to have sex, she  has the right to refuse, but don't I have right too? Should I threaten her and tell her that if she doesn't want to have sex with me, then I will find someone who does? Do I accuse her of "cheating" one me? What to do? I am going out of my mind!

I hate to break it to you #1assman,

but you and a gazillion other men out there in the world are thinking the same thing - right as we type! Yes, this is the universal bugaboo of disparate sex drives between the genders. It's what we therapists deal with in the treatment room on a regular basis, and it is the scenario played out in bedrooms from Cleveland to Calcutta every night. The reasons for it are complex, hard-wired and, according to some, highly debatable. I'm in the evolutionary camp, hence I believe there are lots of reasonable factors as to why men have higher sex drives than women on the whole. But you're not asking for reasons, you're asking for a solution. So...

What to do? It's up to you. I am always an advocate of having an open, frank and in-depth discussion with the other party. It's no different than the Camp David peace talks [hopefully with a different outcome, sigh] or hammering out a solution for tearing down the Berlin Wall [hmmm].

What you have said in this posting can also be told to your wife...in a kind and non-blaming way [that's the tough one, for someone frustrated.] Try to find out from her WHY IT SEEMS that she'd rather email her friends than get hot and heavy with you. Explain to her, in a calm manner, that you are extremely frustrated. Ask her if having disparate sex drives bothers her. Ask her if she has even perceived that there is a problem. Maybe she is oblivious of your entreaties because she is so focused on other things? In any case, get a discussion going. Let HER come up with a solution. Thing is, you've been battling your feelings around this issue for so long. Now let her carry the burden of coming up with a way of interacting sexually that will be fair and equitable to the both of you.

I've said it again in other postings on this board: couples need to take time out to NEGOTIATE their sex lives. Just like you take time to negotiate who takes the kids to school, who takes out the trash, and who pays the bills.

Of course it's difficult to get involved in re-constructing a sex life. We are taught that it should come naturally, just like when we first meet someone and everything is so damn erotic. But it doesn't work that way. After a few years, Eros takes his neurotransmitter highs and moves on to strike the next unsuspecting couple, all in the name of procreation. And we're left with feelings of deepened love, but also holding a bag of sexual frustration in either direction. Eros cruel trick has been played on us mortal fools!

Marriage can mean many things to many people, but one thing is for sure: it's a collaborative union that needs constant work. Can't shy away from it. Yes, you can ignore the matter and hook up with providers, mistresses, etc. No problem. But if you want it to work, you'll have to put in the time. And that includes discussions about everything, even sex.

So yes, #1assman, stand up for your rights and bring them to the bargaining table. No, don't threaten her, that's not particularly smart. And don't accuse her of "cheating," that's lying to yourself. If you really want more sex from her, see what she wants from you. And then work out a mutually satisfying plan. Tough? You bet! Worth it? To those who want a truly fair, equitable and happy marriage? Yes.

It's difficult all the way around, I admit,
the Love Goddess

LG:  I agree with your advice 100%.  The one aspect of your response that really caught my eye was you mentioning to NEGOTIATE sex lives.

With family, career, and other obligations pulling at everyone you do have to negotiate or schedule their sex lives.  I never thought it would get to an appointment-like scenario, but it is actually working out pretty well.  It's almost like when you are initially dating....you anticipate the lustful encounters much more.  You know that on Saturday between 2-4 pm, it will be a mutually gratifying experience.  Yes, perhaps it is not the most spontaneous of times...but with both parties working together and acknowledging that they need to work to keep their sex lives fresh, it is a solid solution.

Thanks for your insight.

Dear Love Goddess
 Thanks for your insightful wisdom, My marrage of 26 years and 6 children (all but away) is a struggle. The very devoted well educated mother of our children has been a full time Mom at home for the past 10 years. We are both 50 years in age and in very good health. We always discuss things in a pretty cool and laid back fashion,I'm a fairly upbeat guy and I have done everything I can do to comply with her emotional needs which include: Affection, Open and Honest Communication, Financial support, Family Committment. We went to a lady marriage counciler 12 years back at my wife's suggestion and my grateful relief. My wife takes considerable exception and becomes angry inside by anything I think, say or do. Her preception of my expression filled face rarely is the best . The councilor advised me in private to divorce my wife or I would dry up trying to "stick with the program". Well here I am with my patience and grace just about all dried up. I have been always the only one to initate the 2 hr foreplay-wild sex, romp and fun-afterplay.  Can You please help me save my marriage. Please, Please, Please.

Married To Mrs. Emotional Economy

Oh, LG, do you really think this is possible?  Both my marriages ended in divorce.  This wasn't the deciding factor, but I was terribly frustrated because once we got married (in both cases), it seemed like the sex life dried up (on their end, not mine, and yes, I tried everything).  I always wondered if it is possible to be married AND have a rewarding sex life.  What is it about being a "wife" that suddenly kills a man's desire for you (I was a "good" wife, btw, not a shrew).  Why am I desirable to men as a provider but not as a wife?  I mean, is this common?  Is it, pardon the expression, a virgin-whore complex for guys?  Can they just not see a woman in their lives taking care of kids, and cooking, and working, and writing Christmas cards AND hot in bed?  I mean, is that just too much of a stretch?  Are there guys who sleep with their wives?    I wonder!  I don't think I'd be willing to risk getting married again if I have to give up making love.  I definitely don't want to be a "wife" again.  No siree, bob.

Dear Horseman2007,

Unfortunately I can't help you save your marriage. I don't think anyone can, except possibly your wife. She is the one controlling the emotional and sexual tone in the union by her behavior and your compliance. And as long as you comply, she will be in control of the marital union, and therefore will be the one who saves or destroys it at her own behest.

It is quite lamentable to read stories like yours. I often wonder WHY people stay in these situations for so long. What surfaces most for my therapy clients is BARENAKED FEAR, masked by all sorts of rationalizations, can'ts, musts and shoulds/shouldn'ts. Often, clients in long term dysfunctional marriages have become so paralyzed by fears of being alone, fears of not being able to exist, or learning to exist without the other person, that their emotions come to a complete standstill. Any acting upon advice or encouragement is non-existent, until the other party in the union does something rash or radical and metaphorically "detonates" the relationship.

I think your counselor way back when was onto something, but you are the one who has to make the decision to stay or go. You say you're 50 and in good health; as far as I'm concerned, move on, move out, and move forward. Use your emotional condition as a spring board for evolving into someone really true and loving toward yourself.

It's worth it,
the Love Goddess