About a year ago I saw a provider for the first time. My wife and I had not been getting along and after the birth of our first child two years ago our sex life was next to nothing. I felt unloved and unwanted. I felt like she didn’t make enough time for me between work, the baby and dealing with some serious health issues.

My wife found out that I was seeing a provider and it wasn’t pretty. She is devastated and it has made her rethink everything in her life.  On the plus side since she found out our sex life has improved 10000% and we have been getting along great since we have been more honest with one another. I have been so happy with the way things are right now that I have no desire to see another provider or even to look at porn. I want to change. The downside is that my wife has changed. For the most part she is her old self, but she is very insecure, doesn’t trust me and I truly worry about her mental state. She just seems very depressed. I am worried about her and I don’t want her to leave me. She is a beautiful, intelligent woman with a lot going for her. I have no doubt if she left me I would fall apart. She would probably end up with a better life since she doesn’t need me financially and I doubt she would stay single for very long.

I really just want things to be right again. I want her to forget and for everything to be as it was, with the new and improved sex life and communication. How can I make her forget about what I did and put it out of her mind? Will she ever move on and trust me again? Would counseling help?

A counselor could help-----But........She will never forget-trust me on that!  Even if she forgives you-she will never forget!!

Dear Simba7777,

"I really just want things to be right again. I want her to forget and for everything to be as it was, with the new and improved sex life and communication. How can I make her forget about what I did and put it out of her mind? Will she ever move on and trust me again? Would counseling help?"

Your words, and beautiful ones. In fact, the entire email is honest, revelatory and feels very intimate. Now, have you asked your wife these questions? It's difficult to make any type of pronouncements, because your wife isn't in the room, and she seems to be the primary concern.

My advice, since you are being more honest with one another, is to show her these words [you don't have to show her the website, that's not the point] and have another heart-to-heart talk with her about precisely these matters.

The fact that you do worry about her mental state is to be commended. On the other hand, it needn't be your past actions that bother her. There can be a million other issues in people's lives, and we sometimes imagine that we are the cause of the distress, when in fact it can end up being something or someone completely different.

Maybe your wife has no idea that you would "fall apart" if she left you. In some way, it seems that you may also be projecting many of these feelings on to your wife; maybe YOU are the one who doesn't trust in the relationship, because you still suffer with feelings of almost 'wrecking' it. And maybe YOU are the one who feels very frail at this point. Letting your wife know, may actually be very empowering for both of you.

When two people lose trust, it takes a great deal to put things back to where they used to be. Oftentimes, that's not even possible. Recognizing that, and instead trying to build something new and different, is a big job. Yes, couples counseling would definitely help - for both of you.

Hope it works,
the Love Goddess




 

-- Modified on 3/2/2007 5:54:59 AM

-- Modified on 3/2/2007 10:21:40 AM

advice LG.  All I can reiterate is "communication, communication, communication!"  Don't tell US..... tell HER!  Your writing is so sincere and loving. Share these thoughts with her!

...nor should they even though many men wish our wives were those happy go lucky sex crazed kittens we first met!!!!!  A child brings on changes in almost every woman I have known.  Women 'grow up' in a way that makes us boys feel like...well...boys.  No marriage of many years is without some betrayal, regret, resentment...the list is endless.  You will argue over how to raise the child, the schools, the level of punishment, whether to let him eat more cake, call the doctor over a fever, the smell of his poop, the choice of his girlfriends...just everything!  

Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her and be sure to take the time to seduce her.  If you love each other, she will forgive you and to some extent, herself for all that has happened.  But neither of you can go back.  Never.  And at time, you will argue painfully and make love beyond anything this hobby will ever give you.

If things went totally back to the way they were you would be wanting to see providers again.  Before there were many things that were not working and now a couple (at least) are working much better - communication and sex.
 Yes to couple therapy.
Rebuilding trust will require time and trustworthy behavior.  Can you two do something like plan a cruise together in 6 to 8 weeks or the like. That lets her know you want to be with her and lets you two have a second honeymoon.
 The cruise will not work if every day, all day, all she does is beat you with the "horrid thing" you have done to her.  But if you can work with a therapist on this stuff honestly, there is a good chance that in 6 to 8 months things will be in a new balance which is better than the way they were before.
 Final story.  Evidently Gracie Allen found evidence that George Burns had cheated on her.  No words were said but George went out and bought her a very expensive gift (I think something like a ring or the like).  She is proported to have told a friend about two years later that she wished George would go have another affair because she would like another ring.

It's all in the little things. Make sure you pay attention to her. Notice her hair, perfume, earrings. Touch her frequently- just little pats or strokes to let her know you love her and find her desirable. FOOT MASSAGES! Of course, none of this is worth doing if it's not sincere.

Things will never be as they were, but that doesn't mean that they can't be even better. It'll take time, though.

How did she find out?

Coming from a woman that found out about this "hobby", it is devastating.  I am on here trying to learn why why why why????  You need to understand her hurt.  Not just say you understand it, but truly understand it.  Put yourself in her shoes.  Then, just maybe you'll understand that things can't go back.  But, they can get better and maybe even better than before.  You need to be accountable with your time guys.  You can't just disappear for a few hours if you've cheated in the past and think that she should be ok with that.  I agree with some of the other suggestions that you should really try to notice her, love her, give her attention and affection.  By doing that, she may start to feel like you do really love her and that you just made a big mistake.  However, don't ask her to forget....that's a slap in the face.  She'll never forget...but she will forgive if you are willing to be the best man you can for her.  I hate to be so blunt, but you need to know what this does to your SO.