My relationship with my spouse of 18 years hasn't been very good for the past several years.  One of our major issues, at least for me, is the nearly complete lack of sexual desire and/or ability on her part.  We had intercourse one time in 2006 and other activities occur once every 4 - 6 weeks.  She hasn't allowed me to perform oral on her for essentially 17 years, after our 1st child was born, though enjoyed it prior to then.  She doesn't like to give oral, either, but will on occasion.  She had a complete hystorectamy in 2/05 and HRT hasn't worked, but the frequency started decreasing well before then.  I'll admit, I finally got tired of the refusals, so hobbied from 10/03 to 2/06 on business trips to Cananda.  She doesn't know about these activities and have had no other encounters besides those in the hobby.
     
    We are starting marriage counseling on Mon., 4/16.  We attend the first session, at least, together.  I am concerned, no make that "scared to death," that the therapist is going to ask about extramarital affairs.  If I mention the hobby, the therapy session, and marriage, will end immediately.  As a type of therapist, do you think a marriage counselor would ask such a question with both people in attendence and expect an honest answer?

     If this therapist can help us improve our relationship, including hotter sex, that would be great.  However, I am also mentally prepared to ultimately leave if it is the right thing for everyone in the family.

     I'd like to get your thoughts on how to handle this question if it is asked.  Believe me, there is plenty of blame to be placed on both of us for our difficulties, so I'm not implying that everthing is her fault.

Thank you for your help.

Crownroyal

While I am far from anything professional in the
field of dealing with relationships, lol, Let me
ask a question, if you are in fact prepared to deal with the results, or fallout from your activities, then why is it that you are concerned
about what a third party may ask?
If you have been hiding your activity all along,
then what difference would it make if you were asked, about other sexual contacts.
To the point, you have been hiding it all along,
so what is the harm if you continue to hide it?
Or if you desire to bring it to the surface, then
do so, and deal with the certain damage that you know it will cause.
It is more a question of how do you prefer to go
about your life, living and hiding to keep the peace, or standing your ground, and living without
guilt, or deceit.
No judgement on my part, just an observation,
or my two cents, best of luck to you either way.

If a therapist is to be of any help at all, the first order of business is to gain your trust, otherwise, you'll never open up, and the therapist will be left guessing. Asking about extramarital affairs in front of the other spouse is going to insure that you NEVER trust that person with anything! In fact, I seriously doubt you'll be asked about it even in a private session, unless the therapist strongly suspects such goings-on, and even then, it's much better if you bring it up. No therapist worth anything will ever judge or condemn you for hobbying, and I don't think any would tell the other spouse.(The trust issue). They might, and I mean might, suggest you reveal it to your spouse, but ONLY if you feel it's in both your best interests.      The fact that you're both going to counseling suggests that you both want to make this work. If you give a respectable therapist half a chance, you'll be amazed at the results.    A word of caution, a few sessions with the best therapist alive is not going to magically turn your wife into a sexual dynamo, it takes alot of work on both your parts, and it may very well get worse before it gets better. In the end, you'll both come out much more in love than you are now.   Best of luck to both of you!

do not have to worry about any answer to the questions posed, you will know you have "arrived".
It has happened to me in the past... after years of chemical dependence and abuse, along with infidelity and other sordid activities, I spilled my guts out to my bride of now 36 years.... that was some 21 years ago... and we are still married but she lacks the drive in the sack she used to have - that is just a fact of nature for many women.
If you and your marriage can face that and survive, you will know you have something special.

I can't believe any trained marriage counsellor would ask you about affairs or escorts in front of your wife. Only privately, after gaining your trust, and promising confidentiality.

However, I realize you can't be 100% sure and are understandably very concerned with what to do.  In that unlikely event, you could answer the question with a 'white lie' - "No, no affairs - but it's been very difficult, given the way our sex life has been."  (There's a lot of truth, though not the whole truth, in that statement.)

I agree with sgandolfs that counselling may very well not restore your wife's sex drive.  You need to think carefully about how you want to deal with that possible outcome (not that you haven't). For many of us, keeping the wife as a best friend, and getting regular sex elsewhere, is a viable solution (though it's expensive, and hardly the American Dream).

It is critical that you get a counselor/therapist who is experienced.  Do not get someone who is still in training or just out of school.

Although I am no longer involved with the clinical side of things, my experience was that some couples went into therapy to try to make things work out and some went in to find a path to part ways.
 You need to know what you want for you as well as for the marriage.  Try to figure out what your line in the sand is.  If lack of sex makes your life miserable then some accomodation needs to take place.
 You are in a tough place, hopefully in 6 months you will be able to say it was worth it and say the benefits outweighed the costs.  Good luck.
B.

In addition, crownroyal,
I would say that "hotter sex" in the way that hobbying has afforded you, will most likely be a very remote possibility with someone who has had a hysterectomy and ineffective HRT. Complete hysterectomies frequently sever innervated tissue and areas around the uterus as well - areas necessary for sufficient sexual excitation. It is possible that a different type of HRT could be administered, but somehow I don't think that would solve the entire dilemma.

As you point out, your relationship with your spouse is not only compromised from a sexual standpoint. The outcome of the therapy really depends if you can work out all the other long-standing issues.

As to my own treatment modality, I usually meet with the couple jointly the first session, then once with each party separately to find out more information. At that time, I would most likely ask the client if there was someone else in his/her life, and if there was anything that this "relationship" may have done to affect the marriage in any way. There are differing schools of thought on this one: some therapists flat-out state to the client not to "tell anything to the therapist that s/he wishes to keep confidential." This approach does not work for me, as I find it a very unempathic and punitive way to deal with a client who already is suffering from possible guilt and shame. My attitude is to be as empathic and "holding" as I possibly can - and sometimes that means "holding" a client's confidence as well. When the client is ready and the therapeutic process has progressed sufficiently, such information usually comes from the client himself/herself, with no prompting from me.

I am first and foremost a facilitator and not a judge. I don't tell clients in therapy what to do - even if I liberally dispense advice on this very board, LOL. But in therapy, we have the luxury of delving profoundly into intrapsychic issues, face to face; most clients in my practice go very deep and can eventually come to some understanding of what has happened, without blow-by-blow accounts from either party.

Finally, I wish you a good and productive therapy outcome, even though this may mean a dissolution of your long-term marriage. So many couples just stick their heads in the sand, for fear of rocking the already sinking boat. You and your wife are to be commended for trying to resolve this in an adult and responsible fashion - I hope things will go well for you, whatever the result may be.

Good luck to both of you,
the Love Goddess

Very relevant and insightful comments.  My case is more like the "wife as best friend and have an outside hobby" that Boston Greg mentions.  I don't like being deceitful with someone I have shared so much with, but my wife's attitude has always been, "If you want to play, I'm outta here."  Whether she would actually kick over everything in that event is not certain, but it's possible.  I have suggested counselling, but my wife feels that what goes on between us is no one's business but ours, even if we had a great therapist.  This effectively condemns us to continuing a lie, which i think my wife prefers because it is less threatening and even though she may suspect the truth.  Illusion is part of almost everyone's life, and sometimes good people feel it's better to maintain it rather than face a certain truth.  If I had to choose, I'd choose the truth, but it might cost me a marriage still deeply satisfying in many ways.  Give up hobbying?  I could, but it's now a vital part of my life, not just an occasional getting the rocks off.  And a dilemma for sure.

but I have to imagine that you often find clients who ask you to judge them so that they can find vindication or, as was the case when I did personal therapy, find catharsis through the punishment of negative judgements.

Fortunately I had a skilled therapist who used Socratic methods to get me to see how I held myself back by trying to use every question as a judgement that must be administered against me.  

It can be so rewarding to be declared officially a failure.  

It's so hard to work at not being one.

Thanks for the chance to reminise about my therapy days.

It may be that there are other issues that are bothering your spouse.Children are very demanding on a relationship. I have seen relationships break up because the parents have different ideas on how to raise there children It is important for the two of you to be a team then you will feel more as one and more attracted to each other. When I was marrried we would try to have only fore play once in a while Believe me thatisa tease. But don"t do it for your injoyment only  try to do it for your parternes enjoyment only even if you are onyl touched for a moment.Fingers can be very a powerfull satifacition.

Thanks for everyone's input.  It has helped in several ways:
1.  Made me less concerned about the therapist asking me a question in front of my spouse that I definitely don't want to answer.  I am now less nervous about that and can hopefully get more out of the sessions.
2.  Managed the expectations regarding the therapy.  My spouse recently told me that she had no emotional connection to me anymore, thus no sex.  I'm sure there's considerable truth to that because I can tell by the way she looks at me (no sparkle in the eyes, which are the mirrors to the soul).  However, I don't think that she's felt that way the entire time where sex has been limited.  As I've told her, she's lost some of the traits which attracted me to her and gained some traits which I find undesirable.  
3. Came to the realization that in spite of counseling and possibly increasing the mutual sense of attraction, the sex may never be what I would like and that we may be sexually incompatible.
4. In spite of the counseling, the potential for ending the marriage is very real.  I guess if this marriage ultimately ends, I, and probably my spouse as well, would want to feel that we did everything we could to save it.  

    On a side note, I had some therapy in 2006 from the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles.  I was afraid that I was a sex addict and had the phone therapy.  It made me realize that I wasn't one and a lot of my unhappiness was wife related, thus the upcoming counseling.  I recommend the SRI phone counseling sessions.  My counselor still keeps in touch to make I'm pursuing a course of action.

    Anyway, thanks for everyone's input.  LG, I wish you were going to be my therapist:_)

Crownandseven

If you don't mind my saying so.
You Sir, appear to be well aware, and have a great
sense of reality.
I wish that there was an easier way for you to gain a greater happiness, but, sadly sometimes
we have to undo emotionally, what we invested in,
and move ahead into the darkness of not knowing,
so that we can see the light of knowledge.
It never hurts to gain introspect, from others
in sharing experiences, and knowledge.
Best Wishes on your course of action, as it is
better to do something constructive, as opposed
to sit still and do nothing.

eom

Not that anybody really cares that much about my first marriage counseling session; however, I had asked in my initial posting about how to answer the "have you ever had extramarital affairs" question if spouse was present.  The overwhelming response from everyone on this board was that no therapist would ask that question with the spouse present.  Well, lo and behold, that was about the 3rd question out the therapist's mouth.  We said no, wife was truthful, I obviously, was not.  I can't believe he asked that question.  Maybe he wanted to test our reactions.  I don't know if I can tell him the truth in our "one on one' therapy session during the week of 4/23.  Any advice would be appreciated.
   
Crownroyal

I'm not a thereapist, but I've had some counselling, long ago.  I think your therapist's question was unprofessional.  If he asks again, I would evade until I had established a comfort level of trust with this guy.  Failing that, I would seek another counselor.  What does LG think?

You just might want to think about getting another therapist.  The fact that he would ask it is very bad, regardless of what the truth of the matter is.

Unbelievable, crownroyal,
I don't know who this therapist was/is, but this is clearly not the way to BUILD TRUST with clients!

Call me crazy, but I believe that SOME male therapists are lacking in the empathy department. Like detectives, they set out to prove a point, rather than try to empathize with the client.

It is also possible that he is trying to "trigger" some sort of "cataclysm" or "abreaction" which in turn will be "catharctic" and assist in resolving the issue. I have seen that too, and I don't agree with it.

Maybe you really should switch to a female therapist, or at least a more empathic counselor who won't put you on the spot. This type of disclosure should come unprompted from you, WHEN YOU ARE READY. Isn't this why you are in therapy in the first place? This is no way to force an issue. Egads.

I say quit and find someone else. You haven't built any trust with him as of yet, and the beginning was not splendid.

Oy vey,
the Love Goddess

Crownroyal,

My reaction is even stronger than our two 'sunny' members' and LG's.

What he asked was outrageous.  He's supposed to be trying to make things better, not worse. If you had not thought about what you'd say beforehand and were not prepared - he could have wrecked your marriage, in his very first session.

If he had, he would have been liable to be sued to malpractice.

I'm totally outraged.  I agree - tell your wife you're "not comfortable with this guy. Let's try a female therapist".

In his defense - there's a lot of 'moralism' in American culture, which probably even influences some marriage counselors. From catching a few brief glimpses of when my wife has had Oprah on TV, my impression is that "Dr. Phil" there spouts a lot of 'sanctity of marriage' simplistic nonsense. I'm very angry about that general pervasive moralistic attitude.

It might be helpful if LG posted again the link to the family-therapist association she belongs to.  I suspect you'll have much better luck with one of its members.

If you live in Los Angeles, crownroyal,
you can book an appointment with yours truly. Go to www.caringtherapist.com for more information.

Or, please visit the link provided.

Hope you find someone else, whoever it may be,
the Love Goddess

Crown, sorry to hear that you first encounter with
this idget went downhill so quickly, my opinion
is that you gave the correct response in this instance, and yes you should seek someone else
other than person.
By all means, keep us informed on your progress,
as sharing is what it is all about, and yes,
believe it or not, some of us do care about your
situation. So Share away if you like, and thanks
for the update.
Best of Luck!

LG, pun intended, but you appear to be just what the doctor ordered.  Unfortunately, I live on the east coast.  I could see potential individual sessions if you did them by phone, but doubt my spouse would agree to that.

Thanks for the list.  I'll have to be careful how I approach requesting a therapist change.  We made such a big deal of the "affairs" question that if I want to switch, she may think that I have something to hide, which I do.

You may be right about his question trying to cause a major change event start the therapy and to test our reactions.  At the risk of offending someone, he's been in practice for 25+ years, so maybe that technique is more common with older therapists.  LG, you obviously would know that better than I.  If we don't change therapists and I have my individual meeting, I will ask him why he asked that question with the both of us together.

I didn't expect this topic to generate this level of interest and empathy, but I'm glad it did.  We'll see what happens.

Crownroyal

I agree with the bottom line -- fine someone else.
 I found I also wanted to know if your wife had already met with him one on one or if she arranged the appointment (and somehow set the agenda).
 There are some "schools" of therapy which are quite confrontational particilarly if the therapist thinks substance abuse is involved. One of these people claimed to be a Gestalt therapist.
I was subjected to one of these (but not Gestalt) at one time and the whole session was focused on me, not us.  It had been set up in the appointment making process.
 Another time the "counselor" was so out of line I asked her to get supervision on the case.  I would consider asking this person to get supervision on the case.
  But bottom line I think I would refuse to return stating that his way of handling issues seemed like he was coming on gangbusters and that isn't going to work for you, that you need someone who develops a safe space and trust.  Be willing to see someone else, and probably a lady therapist is a good idea.
 I am really bummed for you.  You sound like you are trying to do all the right things but the Universe isn't meeting you half way.
B