when i see a provider why do i feel guilty if she is doing all the work? (such as giving me a blowjob, after 10 or 15 minutes i feel bad i am just sitting or laying there

If she is doing all the work, you are doing all the paying--I don't see the problem.   If you are really feeling guilty, it sounds like misplaced guilt about something else--such as your relationship with your wife/so.   Just one man's unprofessional opinion,.

i am serious, i know it sounds absurd but i always end up feeling like that

Solution?  Do some of the work -- DATY, a massage, some stimulation of her clitoris or sucking on her nipples, etc.  She'll most likely enjoy it, and you'll enjoy it and feel less guilty.

How sweet of you, ben grimm,

Just another example of how 'sexual scripting' can interfere with plumb logic. Apparently, paying has little to do with your 'sexual style.' If you're one of them altruistic type fellas in bed, well, then follow your m.o. and get active!

Perhaps somewhere way back in your sexual history, there was a girl who demanded your participation [and her satisfaction, LOL] in a most vociferous way? Perhaps it affected you to the point of always making sure there's equal time for both of you? Or heck, maybe you're just 'a giver.' It's as simple as that. Some people, for many deeper - and not so deep - reasons feel better when they participate to equalize the playing field. You may be one of those guys. Or do you feel pressured to climax after 10-15 minutes of getting [what I hope is] a most enjoyable BJ...and can't?

Being able to receive is just as important as to give. If you are unable to relax and truly enjoy the BJ administered to you, you may actually rob the provider of feeling empowered and being able to master her activity. Mastery is important to all of us humans. If you de-focus the activity, the other person may feel diminished.

Of course, if you are engaged in serious, higher-order defense mechanisms such as feeling guilty over the entire situation - and I don't know this, so I'm just shootin' in the dark here - then maybe the provider thing isn't for you. But rest assured, if you found a provider on TER, there is very little chance of slavery, or her working against her will. The majority of successful providers genuinely ENJOY their work and want to perfect the art of sexual performance. There is no need to "feel guilty". Au contraire, kick back and let them show off their skills...and then be sure to give compliments if the experience was enjoyable.

There are no shoulds or musts here, ben grimm
the Love Goddess


-- Modified on 11/28/2006 3:06:25 PM

who insists that I just lay back and enjoy myself while she is the active one.

I don't experience guilt exactly, but I feel lazy just laying there.  I also have to confess that there are times that I just feel like laying there so I guess I just have to allow myself the privlage of being that way.

I also wonder if the provider is truly enjoying herself more by getting off on being the aggressive one, or if she just wants to make sure that I am very happy so I'll come back.

Then again, maybe she has learned from experience that it is better for her to be the active one because otherwise, some men get fresh if they get in a position to be in charge.  (You know what I mean.)

So many possibilites and my mind is not at its peak of analytical thought while in the boudoir.

Well then do something about it. Make it a goal to break a sweat and please the provider. I know I enjoy pleasing the provider - so much that many can't stand it and want me to stop. Try some different positions with her, be creative and have some fun. Many of the providers that I have visited so enjoy what they do. I'm sure they would feel bad if you came out feeling guilty.

i think it is more to the effect that i(in all aspects of my life) feel uncomfortable when people do things for me- i even feel weird getting gifts, that i do not deserve getting them

Hi again ben grimm,

Since these issues are overarching for you and reach into "all aspects" of your life, I would suspect that their origins go way back. Awareness of the problem is often the first step to change [if that is indeed what you're after.] Staying conscious of the issue when interacting with a provider will help. Letting go of the ideation altogether would help more. If you are truly serious about changing your patterns, a professional counselor might help. Otherwise, I suppose you could continue living with the awareness and make the best of it when the guilt strikes again.

Life is too short to deny yourself its many gifts,
the Love Goddess

Try to remember, her's is a profession - it IS her job to please you.  There is nothing wrong in feeling selfish occasionally, and I will often tell a provider up front, depending upon my mood that particular day, I am randy and lazy as hell... please just do with me what you like.
On the flip side, I have those days when I want nothing but to see her hips thrusting to the ceiling when I go down on her... and DATY for half of the session or more because I also get great enjoyment out of giving pleasure - there can be no greater feeling of giving when your partner has several orgasms in one session and at least they well, seem to be real.

A truer translation of the Greek (I am told) is:
*It is happier to give than to receive.*
*makarion estin didonai mallon ê lambanein*
-Acts 20:35

DATY = happier trysts (for both players).

I am not a member of the fundamentalist base; however, I can make an argument that - taken as a whole historical treasure chest of marvelously mixed messages - the Bible more often supports the hobby than not.

For example, was not the (brilliant) provider Rahab the heroine of Joshua Chapter 2 ?

Her impact has been HUGE. (Look at the current echoes, still reverberating thousands of years later, in the Middle East.)

Again, did not a provider keep King David warm and interested in life in his last moments on earth?

What would Jesus do? (Hang out with interesting providers!)

i will try to modify my thinking- maybe i just assume the providers are doing their job (all be it well paid) as opposed to enjoying what they do

"Why my mother's name was Mary!"

Somedays you feel like playing with the ball, and other days you feel like watching.

for some reason i feel i don"t deserve to get such pleasure

From this statement, I would say that you may have some deep psychological issues that may require "another" kind of therapist to resolve.

I'm guessing your psychological issues don't have much to do with the hobby per se, but with some bad programming you might have gotten when you were a kid.  Did your parents or other adults in your life send you messages, overt or subtle, that you don't deserve pleasure?  I know this is a hobby site, but do you remember being abused in any way?  The way you're treated as a kid affects you in every way, even in the hobby.

If you answered yes to at least one of the two questions, then I might be on to something here.  You probably internalized the idea that you don't deserve pleasure, because of the way you might have been treated as a kid.  So now, when someone (e.g. an escort) gives you pleasure, your deeply programmed reflexes rear their ugly heads.

Remember this, and remember well.  The adults in your life when you were a kid may not have wanted you to get any pleasure, but for escorts, your pleasure is their primary concern (their safety goes without saying).  They want you not to be nervous, they want you to enjoy sex during the appointment, and they want you to smile for hours afterwards.  Regardless of how your daily life is, an escort gives you a pleasant escape; enjoy it.

Regards,
I_like_escorts.

I agree that you might want to try a therapist because these feelings most likely have their root in your childhood upbringing.  Understand that they are what they are and that it's okay to experience these things.  There's nothing wrong with you.  In fact many people have felt similar things.  Also, while it's cool to have this discussion online we are all just people with our 2 cents to throw in so I wouldn't try to expect your answers to come here.

Now regarding working harder and DATY, sure that can be fun if that the mood you're in or that's what you want out of a provider.  However, there's nothing wrong with sitting back and letting her do that work.  The fact of the matter is that it is a service.  This isn't how all providers prefer to work but sex is enjoyable in so many different ways.  Part of the fun in seeing a lady is in living out different power relationships and fantasies.  If your fantasy on an given day is to have a woman service you more power to you.  

The womderful thing about this hobby is that it allows certain freedoms that comes with regular sex.  As everyone knows, it frees you of having to make emotional attachments.  It does happen but it's perfectly acceptable if it doesn't.  

Another freedom I enjoy is the freedom of the need to "perform."  I find that if I'm with a girl I'm dating and if I particularly like her I sometimes feel the pressure to show her a good time and it can take me out of the experience a little bit.  With a provider, I am relieved of that responsibility and it can actually lead naturally reciprocity or not.

While you want to treat the provider with respect, part of what you are buying with your service is the freedom of not having to worry too much about what she thinks of you.  So, by all mean, sit back and enjoy.