How would you feel or what would you do If you found out ( way after the fact ) that a lady you really enjoyed spending time with is actually a post op transsexual.

Reid you know

Dear Mrhowcanitell,
I am assuming you are asking Love Goddess this question because it happened to you...
Well, how did YOU feel?
The acceptance of someone else's gender seems to be correlated with the acceptance of one's own. Many men who are very uncomfortable - almost phobic - toward gender variance have been found to have deeply rooted defense mechanisms in place to cement their own fragile sense of masculinity. For instance, there are those who commit violence after finding out that their sex partner is TG. These men become enraged at what they perceive is a "deception" and/or "betrayal." Recently in Northern California, a few young men were sentenced to prison for murdering Gwen, a young TG woman. They did this after they "found out." Others don't go this far, but TG people are victims of violent hate crimes at a much higher proportion than even gay men. Usually the perpetrators are young males who are in the throes of establishing their sense of their own masculinity. Gender ambiguity is so threatening to them that they psychologically (and literally!) want to destroy that which destabilizes that frail and emerging sense. Horrid, but true.

On the other hand, if you are secure in your perception of your sexuality and gender/gender role, the fact that the lady is a post op transsexual might evoke feelings of surprise, maybe even initial shock; but, you should be able to separate your own sexuality from that of hers. N.b. that you perceived her as a "lady" and that she indeed is, after surgeries, hormone treatments, etc. Hormonally, she now has the same levels of estrogen/progesterone as the average female; her genitalia have been altered to reflect her inner sense of being female; and, the most important issue - her behavior and the way other people see her is now gender-congruent. The only issue making her slightly different from female-born females are her chromosomes. Most likely, she was born XY. But I surely hope you weren't just enjoying her set of chromosomes? That would have been a monumental waste! As to the research on transsexuality, there are now studies showing that male-to-female transsexual brains are more closely related to those of natal women than to those of natal men. We still don't know exactly which or what genes are responsible for these genetic expressions, but we have found some hypothalamic similarities and also similarities in the corpus callosum of TG and natal women. But again, I would hope that you continue enjoying spending time with her while not focusing on her brain structure!

In all seriousness, you may wish to see this lady as someone with a birth defect that has been corrected. Transsexuality is not a choice, it's a condition. We try to help the patient in the best way possible with the means available to us at this time. It's likely that way in the future, there will be a pre-natal test for gender variance. Whether parents will choose to test for it is a political hot-button question. Until then, hormones and surgery is the best we've got. This also relates to people who are born inter-sexed. They may have chromosomal issues or be born with ambiguous genitalia. Because new parents can visually see the genital area, many choose to operate on their infants. [This is another hot-button issue that is not directly related to your question, so we'll skip it for now.] But if said parents also were able to see into the brains of their newborns and found out that s/he had a transsexual brain orientation, perhaps the problem would be corrected at a much earlier stage. After all, we provide hormones to little girls who are afflicted with AGS (adrenogenital syndrome, meaning that they were exposed to the mother's hormonal intake during gestation, and their brains and genitalia masculinized.) Or, we do the same with boys who have Klinefelter's syndrome (males born with an extra X chromosome, 1 in about 700). We don't do anything to TG babies, because we can't "see" the transsexual problem in the neonate.

My feeling is, that if you look at her problem from a medical perspective, rejoice in the fact that she was able to take care of it in such a positive way. She most likely has suffered great psychological trauma as a child and as an adolescent. She has been able to overcome other people's reactions to her gender reassignment and she has had to endure great pain, both emotionally and physically to get where she is now. Since you enjoyed your time with her, I'm assuming it wasn't just physical. If anything, she is a very unique lady who has seen life from both sides of the gender coin. If you really found her lovely, continue your contact with her. If not, then just go on and marvel at life's many twists and turns among us human beings.

Carpe vitam,
the Love Goddess

Reid you know

I felt a bit confused and in shock . I also felt a bit betrayed. Is this something that needs to be told upfront ?

Thanks for your insight and your thoughts they helped me see things in a different light .
Your right she is a very unique lady , beautiful inside and out .
I just better not tell my guy friends since they don’t seem to be very accepting.


-- Modified on 7/11/2006 12:16:09 AM

Reid you know

Thank you, Mrhowcanitell,
As to the question if this needs to be told upfront, it's another hot-button issue. It depends on how you view people with birth defects. I bet you "women" who have testicular feminization - an individual who is XY but is insensitive to androgen, thereby becoming indistinguishable from any female after puberty, but with no ability to procreate - would not necessarily discuss this when having sex with someone new for the first time. Also, I do think it depends on the circumstances. If she is a provider, she doesn't really need to discuss her private life with a first-time client - or ever, if that's her choice. All these things are very intimate. It's just like any surgery....not many providers would be upfront with facelifts, nosejobs, boobjobs (if they can get away with it, although natural looking breasts seem difficult to recreate).

As to your guy friends, yes, you may not wish to discuss it openly. It's a shame they're not "accepting." On the other hand, it's not really ideal to discuss such intimate matters with those who are not directly involved. Birth defects are tough to deal with. I'm really happy you found her beautiful. And, I'm very happy that you are able to see things in a different light. Imagine 200 years ago, when they thought epileptics were possessed by the Devil. It's great that medical advances can change our perceptions and help us accept physical variance, however it may be expressed.

Enjoy your beautiful lady, my friend,
the Love Goddess

Reid you know

you should feel Gay.

Reid you know

Mr. How..  

I'd be shocked as hell!!  Keep in mind people who have been through a lot generally wait to share deeply until they believe they can take you into their trust.

Honestly, if I really dug the lady and the sexual connection was there as well, what's the problem?  Not trying to make light of your situation looking from the outside in.  Just thought you'd value the opinion of a regular guy.

Best to you.

Yabe

Reid you know

Is this lovely lady a provider or civilian?

Reid you know

I love the Love Goddess' answers and respect her opinions but in this case I must add what I feel is necessary here. I like to think of myself as understanding and more openminded than the most people, but men that feel that if they are not told about this beforehand feel betrayed are being made to feel that they are commiting something wrong and being made to feel as if they are doing something wrong to the TS person. I think that the feelings of the TS are given priority here and I don't see why they should be. Men's feelings here are perfectly valid and should not be presented as secondary to the TS person's feelings. Having said that, I think that if you don't want to deal with this kind of situation and dislike being with a TS then that's perfectly fine. Just walk away and don't look back. I know this has been suggested; what I object to is giving priority to certain peoples feelings making them be the heroes while making other people feel guilty about their feelings...

a provider.

Thanks to all for your feedback