A couple of people on the general discussion Board suggested that I post my comments here.

So here it goes again:

I first met my ATF about three years ago.  Nine months later, I started seeing her a couple of times a month and for the last year have been seeing her once or twice a week.  I continue to see other providers because I told myself to keep a distance and that I am just a client.  But I cannot help it.  I have come to love my ATF.

My ATF is a beautiful, intelligent, sexy and very classy woman.  She does have a career outside this line of work and now works UTR with a few steady customers.    She is a single mom with a young child to support.  We have spent some time together outside our sessions and I pay her when we have a session.  She shared with me a lot of her personal life, including having me meet her child.  Last week, we were able to spend part of the weekend together and she told me she has met someone who may be the one she can build a long term, serious relationship with.  I am very happy for her because she may now be able to quit this profession and create a stable family for her child.  I was deeply affected by the news and the thought that she will soon be out of my life.  She wanted me to eventually meet this person and give her my impression of him.

The thought has cross my mind to leave my wife for her but I know I can’t do that.  It would be devastating to my wife and I do care about her well being.

I know what I need to do - move on and see other providers.  I will eventually get over this but at the moment, I am heart broken.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.  Maybe posting would help me heal.

Yes, let's hope so, Foolonthehill,

I don't have much else to say about your decision, except that she was in the driver's seat, and she took off. As is her prerogative. Meanwhile, you do/did love her, and you spent lots of time with her..probably far too much, considering it was a professional relationship.

Now, should you leave your wife for her? No. Not because it will be devastating to your wife [what about the news that you have been hobbying - I bet that would be just as devastating, on a scale of 1 to 10], but because you should not leave a woman for another.

Could you leave your wife for anyone? YES. Yourself. That's the only person who gets to be the reason to exit gracefully. When we leave one relationship and jump into another, it rarely turns out the way one imagines. When we leave because we have grown disparate, evolved as individuals, as human beings along multiple dimensions, that is when the result oftentimes is successful - even if it contains growing pains.

On a side note, there have been many threads on this board concerning long-suffering men who hobby, but are not able, for various reasons, to leave their wives. I would venture to guess that women are not as charitable. Of course, there are battered wives, manipulated wives, etc., but by and large, I do think women are more able to leave their husbands if they have made up their minds to do so. Men tend to vacillate and stay put, even if they find sources of discontent in their unions. Ultimately, I do believe men have an inherent, curious "survival instinct," which tells them that being alone is not good for their well-being. And studies prove it, over and over again. Or is it just the threat of alimony and the meat'n'potatoes on the table every night that keep you husbands coming back?

Cliché, but true: Time will heal your wounds,
the Love Goddess

It was my wife who left me, not I, her.

Why?

Well I thought is had to do with protecting the kids, or avoiding the embarrassment with the family, etc.

And I know it wasn't the food because I was the cook in the house.  (Also the babysitter, the cleaner-upper, the grocery shopper, etc, etc.

Maybe it's genetically encoded like in the discussions of previous threads.

On the point of not wanting to be alone, I can say that I am happier now than when the Mrs. was in residence, but I have the kids and the house, so that helps.

Plus I have a wonderful SO, but she's a continent away, still we correspond everyday.

And then there are the wonderful gals I see two to three time a month, so that gives me a great outlet for sex and companionship.

Then there's my whole family her at TER, and you guys definately help.

I wish I had had the guts and sense to do this much earlier.

I need to thank the ex for finally pushing me off the cliff.

On target Love Goddess.

Whether it is survival instincts, fear of being alone, or guilt about abandoning family, men have a tougher time leaving.  And the old "I am staying because of the children" is just crap.  Children are not better off watching their parents stuck in an unhappy relationship.

Seems to me children are better seeing their parents take control of the situation, end the relationship, and find a way to treat each other with decency and respect.

As for me, leaving my home was the toughest thing I ever did.  And I went through hard times getting over it.  But in retrospect, I should have left much sooner.

It is harder for men to leave a bad marriage because the laws in the US strongly favor the woman in alimony, child support, and community property issues. And this doesn't come from a study or a whiny survey, but from statistics of state laws.

All the arguments about men being charitable and inherent survival instinct is psychobabble claptrap the Orpah tribe falls for.

Studies don't prove squat. Reminds me of the hoax about more domestic violence by men on women during Super Bowl day that turned out to be hogwash.

MissDemeanor

That's interesting, MissDemeanor,
In Europe, specifically Scandinavia, where laws favor men in terms of alimony (there IS no alimony in Sweden, for example, only minor child support,) the same behavior occurs among men. They don't readily leave their wives and stick with mistresses or paid company instead. Sweden in this case is particularly interesting, because their laws also make the hobbyist into the perpetrator - providers are not prosecuted when caught, hobbyists and panderers are.

By the way, no one is arguing that men are charitable. We are merely posing questions here and engaging in qualitative discourse. Quite frankly, your tone and diction does not befit a civil discussion on this board. If you are as intelligent and passionate as your posts allude to, you shouldn't have to resort to blanket statements and low diction. If you disagree, show us reports to the contrary. Otherwise, your opinions will be no more valid than expressions of disdain and not taken seriously at all.

Just my advice,
the Love Goddess

My wife left me too. I stuck it out for alot of reasons, mostly I thought it would be good for the kids. (It wasn't). I thought it would be good for her. (It was). I actually thought it would be good for me, and in alot of ways, it was.                                           Living with and caring for a bi-polar person over the long term taught me things I never knew even existed. There's no school anywhere like the school of hard knocks. I learned more about women, relationships, psychology, and myself than I could even imagine. Had I bailed out, I don't think I'd be anywhere near the person I am today. Sure, it hurt, sometimes alot. Looking back, it really was worth it though. P.S. sticking it out for the kids is pure garbage, they're alot smarter than we think they are!

-- Modified on 9/29/2006 2:24:08 PM