Dear LG,

I've been a hobbyist for little over a year now. My enthusiasm has died down quite a bit, though I do still throughly enjoy myself and the ladies of the hobby. Of course, I've never told my SO and do enjoy the secrecy of it all.

Last week, my SO admitted to cheating on me with a co-worker and even to the point of BBBJCIMTC. She has ended the affair and is grateful that I'm willing to work at the relationship (5 years and counting). I might have been premature in my forgiveness but I do love her.

My heart sank. I was physically ill. The though of her lack of protection with a civie still haunts me and probably will for some time. However much of a hypocite this makes me, the hobby is and always has been just about sex. Never have I wanted to leave my wife for a provider.

Now all I want to do is give her colleague a good working over with my foot.

Do I reveal my hobby to "even the playing field"? Also I've been looking for more and more appointments with providers to exact my "revenge" however unsuccessfully.

Any thoughts?

I found it odd that she confessed to that much detail.  Once she confessed to an affair did you demand that kind of detail?  

You didn't say that your W wanted to leave you.  She had an affair, that's all.  Would you feel better if  she had looked for a male provider instead?  

The only satisfaction you can get from a revenge f*** is if she goes with you and watches you.  

Why on earth are you mad at the other guy?  He's not the one who betrayed you, he was just being a guy.  Would you turn down a hottie just because she's married.  

Confession rarely does the confessee any good.  It only helps assuage the guilt of the confessor.  I say you shouldn't do it.  Get your mind right about how what she did is no different than what you have done, forgive and move on.  If you can't forgive there is something wrong with the marriage that only counseling can fix, if it can be fixed at all.

Dear SlantedSicko,

I understand about your feeling physically ill, your concerns about STDs and the immense betrayal. For whatever reason, the majority of women do not cheat because of flawed sex per se - their infidelity can often be seen as a sign of lacking communication and disappointment in the relationship, whereas men can pursue sexual activities outside the marriage for no other reason than variety.

Still, before you go blasting, ask yourself the following questions:

1. How will my disclosure benefit the relationship?

2. What is the potential damage of my disclosure?

3. Since I enjoy "the secrecy of it all," will my disclosure facilitate or compromise my future escort activities?

4. Will "evening the playing field" make me feel better emotionally IN THE LONG RUN?

You state that you "love her" and that she is "grateful" that you are "willing to work at the relationship. Do you think that she will have the desire to do the same after your revelation?

I fail to see how your disclosure will help in any mature, constructive manner. In addition, you are not disclosing out of guilt and/or regret, you are disclosing out of anger and revenge. As to the colleague - unless your wife wants to continue her relationship with him, best forget about "working him over" and regard him as a fool for getting involved with a married woman. There are plenty of single chickies out there...why go messing where the potential outcome is loss rather than gain?

If you truly love your wife, then start communicating and repairing your marriage. Right now, she is so preoccupied with her own guilt, that I doubt she'll be very inquisitive as to your own activities. Please take all this as a big warning and GET TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE, THE BOTH OF YA.

No revenge unproductive stuff, please,
the Love Goddess

But I understand what you are saying. In fact, I came to many of the same conclusions myself. It just helps hearing it from someone else... feel like less of a loser that way.

My major peeve is that she went with a civvie. If she went with a provider, then I know it's just for sex. In the male way of thinking, it's emotionally the same as baseball (although a lot more fun). The fact that she confided in someone and shared an emotional bond (along with the obvious physical) is what makes it so painful.

But yes. These events have caused me to evaluate my role in our relationship and now that she can no longer hold herself up on a pedestal and realises she is, after all, human.... "now the healing can begin"... is that how shrinks put it?!

Thanks LG. You have proven yourself invaluable once again.

First dig 2 graves.

  As many of you already know, my wife of 25 years was bi-polar enough to end her life 2 years ago. 19 years ago, we decided that 2 kids was enough, so I got changed into a steer. It's physically impossible for me to father children now. We have a 13 year old daughter. She wasn't adopted.

  That's right, 5 years after I became unable to father children, she became pregnant, obviously the result of an affair. Up to this point, I hadn't snoozed with anyone but her.

  Did my heart sink? You bet! Did I become physically ill at the thought? Yup! Was I worried about STD's? Of course; a couple of tests solved that fear however.

  Now, to get to the heart of the matter. She had attempted suicide 4 or 5 times by now (obvious cries for help, didn't actually want to die yet), and been in the mental hospital several times. Believe me, the thought of bailing was very real. No one, and I mean no one would have thought less of me if I did. In fact, some thought less of me because I didn't.

  Why on earth would anyone choose to remain in a relationship like this?? Same reason you did. Love; the most powerful force on the planet.  Like you, I loved her. I could see genuine repentance in her eyes. I looked back at all the good times we had, and saw many more in the future. I never considered revenge, my forgiveness was genuine. Counseling helped alot, but if I live to be 1000, I'll never forget the closeness we felt after we chose to stick it out. Looking back, it was WAY worth it.  

  I began my hobbying career a few years after this, not out of revenge, but out of need. The warning on bi-polar medication that says 'may cause decreased sexual desire' is a gross understatement at best!  For me, the hobby, though she never knew about any of it, did indeed 'level the playing field'. I found that if my sexual needs were met, it cut out alot of the tension, and allowed me to love her much more deeply, and on a level she could understand.

  Please consider spending some time with a therapist. I know it's scary, (it sure was for me) but in reality once you get comfortable with it, the rewards are incredible.  No one will be told they're right or wrong, instead, feelings will be discussed, together as well as privately. Normal human behavior will be presented, and you get to choose what you do with it. If you choose to, you can reveal your hobbying to the therapist (during a private session), and it'll never leave the walls of that office. Really, therapy is all about presenting choices, so you can make informed decisions.

  You're standing at a major crossroads right now, and whichever way you choose will have lasting effects.  Choose wisely.

  P.S. feel free to PM me if you'd like, I've walked a few miles in your shoes.

That's an interesting question to ponder.

She must have given it a lot of thought.  Perhaps this is a way of her reaching out to you to find something in your relationship that she finds missing?

Just a guess, there could be other reasons too.

As far as revenge goes, save it for your fantasies.  Revenge is a food best served piping hot, but it cools quickly and congeals into an unappetizing mess.

I actually really find it humorous that you hobby guys think your wives and SO's are faithful, innocent girls who just wait on the other side of your lives for you to give them attention and love...  
I'm not trying to make light of your situation, but have you ever heard of the law of attraction?  Like attracts like..  birds of a feather flock together..  you all have a lot more in common with your wives and SO's then you really think.  
and ps.. yes, you do sound very hypocrytical.

I wondered as I was reading if maybe the SO did know about the hobbying and was getting her revenge. Maybe she made it all up, maybe she's a great actress. If that is true, she got you good.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander, eh?

What is good for the goose, is also good for the gander Words written so true.

Case in point:

At one point in my civilian life, I had dated someone for 11 years (wayyyyyyy before I got into the bizz), and yes he did cheat on me. But guess what, I ended up cheating on him, with someone who DID pay me more attention, than what I was getting. Also, when we broke up, I even told him about it Boy, just to see a grown man break down and cry like a baby, was my best part of revenge... sorry for being honest, it was.

I would strongly urge you to take no revenge-like another fellow said-the guy was just being a guy-been there done that!  You now have the upper hand-don't "blow" it by showing your cards!!

First say nothing about your hobby if you end up in court the judge will take a very different view of that than your wife's behavior.

Second - You hid your hobby and she cheated on you behind your back. She confessed to ease her pain and to see what would happen. She'll do it again and you show no sign of giving up your hobby. Marriage is tough enough with out deceit.

Third - communication post betrayal is highly over rated. Rarely does it save a relationship that is where you two are. The odds are that you will both waste some number of years in therapy and end up with a failed marriage anyway.

Save the time and the heartache. Get as peaceful and friendly divorce as possible. Find someone who  you can be HONEST with.

Good luck. (had I taken this advice I could have avoided wasting 20 years of my life).
-J

Oh and get the nastiest toughest female divorce lawyer you can find - just in case.

No doubt you feel the betrayal. May I humbly suggest, w/o knowing all the particulars of your situation, that:
1. Men typically have a much harder time when his wife cheats on him than the reverse. Call it patriarchy, ego, double standard, or all of the above. Anecdotally, I know this to be the case (after over 20 years in the biz)
2. As others have stated, sharing to even the score or clear your conscience tends to be a poor idea. The reasons it is a bad idea are too numerous to list here.
3. If your goal is to keep the marriage, then focus on putting both of YOUR feet back in the relationship...only then will you (both) see what is possible from this crisis/opportunity.
4. As others have noted, it is noteworthy that your wife shared her activity in such detail...either anger, titilation/turn on, or something she'll tell you.
5. Your candor is noted re: hypocrisy. At some level, I hope your integrity lets you take your lumps, learn, and refocus what you really want (and are willing to do) re: your marriage. Sex with others is a gas, but generally speaking, most couples aren't cool with it within their marriage. Sometimes, we just gotta make a choice!

No judgment, just observations for your consideration..Good luck.